ClosetotheEdge

Hi,

I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking and have started the process of detaching from my A husband.
However I find it hard to understand how I can completely cut him off from all funds. Currently I am the only earner, I do control the money and give him money when asked (most of the time), but he does things like "I need 100 for groceries and gas" - I give him this, and afterwards I find out he only spent maybe half of that and spent the rest on drink. Or as he has done in the past, asked for money in his account to buy me a gift, or to treat the kids to a burger when he is looking after them etc, and again he has spent the money in the local bar.

I live in the real world, I can't physically manage to do everything that our family needs to have done, using cash, while working fulltime and managing the day to day practicalities of lie. So how do I avoid giving him money? I was thinking of perhaps giving him an allowance of x amount per week for day to day expenses, but I'm worried that this will get spent in a binge and then he'll come back looking for cash for something that I can't refuse, like food, gas, something for the children, batteries, whatever it might be..

Thoughts anyone?

Florence

Don't give him money! I'm kidding. It's that simple, and it's not.

You've already won half the battle by controlling the money. Actually, I had to do this for awhile. I had to harden my heart to his stories, give him the "allowance" and let him spend or blow it as he chose. The amount was enough for gas and cigarettes, no more. I knew he needed both as much as booze and refused to buy booze. Then I had to steel myself for when he came up with a story about this need or that need. He was either unemployed or majorly underemployed and always mad that I made more money and didn't want to give it to him to spend as he wished (for the record, it wouldn't have been an issue if he'd been an honest person, which he was not). At that time, I also decided on the boundary that he couldn't stay with me if he was drinking and told him so. If he chose to go out and drink and I found out about it, it meant he had better be prepared to live somewhere else until I was convinced he was pursuing recovery.

All this being said, it didn't work to keep him sober. It did save me *some* money. I was trying to give him changes, and trying to hold out on the possibility of recovery. It was naive of me, and it turned into a power struggle I didn't want. I was pregnant and trying to regain some control over my life before the baby was born, but I didn't want to kick him out because of [fill in the reason].

But let's be real. He's not capable of being responsible for household duties, or minding children any more than he was capable of managing money. These rely on skills acquired in long-term sobriety.

After the umpteenth relapse and a series of disappointments and lies, I kicked him out. After additional relapses, disappointments and lies, I filed for divorce. Our daughter is under two. Ultimately I was doing everything anyway, so why did I have him living with me and taking up space in my head, taking money and generating chaos? Separating finances made it easier to let him go when it was time, and to finally take over the rest of the household duties by myself. It's much more peaceful now, and the only money problems I have are my fault.

AnvilheadII

what about $20 for a bus ticket outta town? half kidding...is it time to take stock of the bigger picture and ask youself WHY this man is still in your life and part of the family system when all he does at every opportunity is drink........ON YOUR DIME?? not sure that type of character should be trusted to watch children, much less be given the adult responsibility of managing more than about 5 bucks at a time.

he can't be trusted. he does not work. he uses everything to his advantage to protect his one true love interest....alcohol.

ichabod

Florence, I disagree. You can't/shouldn't cut the SAHP off completely. He is, apparently, providing some child care, grocery shopping, and running errands that benefit the family. If the OP can't do these things, she as the working partner needs to provide the funds. If he isn't doing any of these things, cut him off.

OP, write out a budget and stick to it. Fill up the car when you can and he has to work with that. If you can't do the shopping, make a list and give him what's necessary. Decide what you think is fair for spending money, and stick to it. If he comes crying for more, too bad.

dandylion

Dear CloseTothe Edge, may I ask--do you all have an arrangement that he is a stay-at-home-parent?

dandylion

Pelican

Gift cards.

Buy gift cards for your local grocery store. Gift cards for the local burger place.

Buy yourself a gift to remind yourself that you are loving and loveable.

Florence

Ichabod, I would agree if the stay at home parent was acting responsibly with the family's interests in mind. Since he's not, and since this isn't a situation where an adult conversation about family and finance will have desired outcomes, she has to make the calls. My experience is that he was not only flippant about money, but also our safety and general well-being. I have a hard time believing its too different in other households, but friendly people do disagree.

I also feel like its the responsible thing to do to question whether an alcoholic can be a safe and effective stay at home parent.

ClosetotheEdge

He has been the stay at home parent temporarily, from time to time. I recently started a new job that has flexible and part time hours so have been able to juggle childcare and work, most of the time. In the past we had other arrangements, but often we couldn't afford external childcare AND his habits so needs must and he did do childcare. I am sure that he would never put our children at risk and he doesn't drink in the daytime unless I am home. He doesn't drink at home and it would not be acceptable (socially) for him to take the children to a bar with him in the daytime.

Recently my job has become busier and I've been asked to increase my work hours so as of 1st June I have made fulltime childcare arrangements outside the home. When he does the stay at home dad thing, he takes out his frustrations on me so I figure I'll look after myself and the kids and he can do what the hell he likes with his time. I think I'll have to go with an allowance and as some have said, run the errands, get the gas etc myself as far as possible.

In terms of detachment, do you tell your A what your new boundaries are? Or do you just go ahead and implement them?

dandylion

Dear ClosetotheEdge--This is my take on this--since the two of you are still operating a home together with children you would have to state your decision. I say decision, because, you can hardly expect him to come to an agreement about something that is going to cut into his ability to drink. I would also expect some resistance from him in the beginning---if your boundaries upset his status-quo he will feel some anger. Just expect it--and detach from any angry arguments he might start about it.

Boundaries are something that you don't have to get agreement on---because they are about something that you are absolutely unwilling to accept--irregardless of what someone else thinks.

dandylion

sunnshinegirl

I'm the only wage earner too and for a long time I just let AH have what he needed. Big mistake for me because the spending escalated. I think getting a gas card and a grocery gift card is a great idea and I also think if you can talk with him tell him you are giving him a weekly allowance of x and then stick to that. Just depends on your AH and whether he's an angry person or not whether you can sit down and have a talk with him. If you can, I would.

ClosetotheEdge

Yes, it makes sense as long as we are running a household with young children. I've spent too much time "discussing" and "coming to compromises" only to be let down time and time again. So I will be telling him, not asking.

Pelican

Be aware that the addiction of the alcoholic is stronger than your ability to control. An active alcoholic will do anything to get his fix, even to the point of stealing and financially ruining his family.

I tried controlling the amount of money my husband had access to. I was the financial secretary of our household. He had the income, but I was responsible for making payments and shopping. He would see a balance in our joint account and make withdrawals, never considering that that money was there to cover a check that was just put in the mail.

This is what happened to me when I cut off my alcoholic by moving funds into an account in my name only and by cutting up his credit cards (done with his approval).
His addiction started screaming for more, more, more.

He took MY convenience checks that MY credit card company had mailed to our home (I usually tore them up as we were drowning in debt) and he forged my signature and made them out to himself for cash.

He also rented a postal box to receive him mail. He opened new credit cards in his name and had the mail forwarded to the PO box. He used his new credit cards as ATM cards for cash withdrawals.

He was then unable to make the payments.

That's when I knew I was done.

Wavy

I'm not sure where you live, but what about ordering your groceries online and getting them delivered? All the main supermarkets here (UK) do that for a small fee (from about £3) which would be a considerable saving if it meant that more money wasn't being spent on booze. They normally store your last shop so once you've done it once its actually quite quick to do each week if you regularly buy similar things.

Other than that the gift cards idea sound ideal, although a PITA.

ABF gets an allowance each week for spending money - didn't stop him spending most of this months rent on booze. Unless you have sole access to the rest of the money an allowance won't do a lot to help.

ClosetotheEdge

Thanks wavy, I already do the grocery delivery thing regularly, its just that the nature of the real world is that people need cash for a coffee, a newspaper, a pack of picture hooks, milk, a sandwich, a pair of gloves etc etc..

I have sole access to our accounts. He has his own account that I drip feed as required. However I've had far too many occasions where he has texted me from a bar to say that he is "with a potential client and needs to buy a drink for him" or "with a long lost visiting second cousin and needs to buy a drink for him" or "is on his way home and needs cigarettes/ gas/ catfood" etc etc.. Usually I give in for a quiet life but then I resent it.

I spoke to him in a public place to avoid any arguments, told him that I would be putting x amount into his account every week for incidentals and if he had any work then the resulting money was his to do with what he wants. I will no longer be his ATM. I also pointed out that his time was his own, now the kids are looked after day to day, I don't really care what he does with his day.
He was not happy and did his usual thing of picking at my flaws and my previous responses to his behaviours, mentioning what a control freak I am and what a nag I am. I think it freaked him out completely cause I just said "I see" and "that's fine" and "ok", and nodded and smiled. For once I didn't jump at the bait.

I have been reading some of the other threads and stickies, really helpful information. Thanks again.

Wavy

Sounds like you did a great job talking to him and not engaging in his attempts to derail you.

sunnshinegirl

Good for you ClosetotheEdge!!!