Dublin

Just need to vent really. I know what I need to do but too weak or stupid to do it. Had another brilliant honeymoon period of everyone on best behaviour and started to Imagine again a future where all would be well. Back to misery in no time. I know I played a huge part in it this time because I expect everything to be fine now and can't be patient and wait for recovery to happen. I want my happily ever after and it doesn't exist.

I am a bright person in every other area of my life but in this I am refusing to see what's in front of me. This is no good for me and I need out. Why don't I get out?

dandylion

Dear Dublin, I don't remember.....what kind of recovery program is he in?

dandylion

Dublin

Hi dandylion he's in AA and is not long past 90 days sober. He was on at least 1 meeting a day sometimes 2 a day and is now down to 1 or 2 a week. I'm in alanon and get to 1 or 2 meetings a week depending on work childcare etc.

It's a bank holiday wknd here I thought we'd do nice family things for the weekend but he wasn't feeling well and wouldn't commit to plans and was dismissive of my ideas and I lost it. Crazy lady came out to play again. Not as bad as I have been in the past but I did not behave well and am fed up of having my buttons pushed and acting like a child. I think if I can't detach and ignore the behaviour I need to just get out.

dandylion

Dear Dublin, you may well have to. In the meantime--there is a website:
peggyferguson.marriage-family.com . It is quite a large website--on the left hand side there is a section on the addicted marriage/family---several excellent articles dealing with the early recovery period. It is generally agreed that the first months of recovery is the most vulnerable time in a marriage---and, often more miserable for the spouse than the origional drinking!!

I think this might help you. Don't beat yourself up too much---this is a VERY stressful time for the partner.

Such a good move on your part to go to alanon, now. It will certainly help with sorting yourself out. Yes--detach--detach--detach.

dandylion

Dublin

Thanks Dandylion I'll check out the website now. I told my partner during the honeymoon period that this would be the hardest time on our relationship as we both struggle with very different journeys of recovery. We both agreed to keep it in mind and be kind - not so good so far on either side I'd say. Maybe I just need to leave but for today I'll read that website. Thank you so much for taking the time to support just need to hold off crazy lady by reaching out.

honeypig

Dandylion, thanks for the info on the site. I'm going to repost your link so it works as a link, b/c when I copied and pasted the info as it was originally in your post, I got a message about how the page couldn't be found, blah blah...

So here's the link and, as Dandylion said, it's a big site, w/many headings on the left side to choose from.

Relationships In Recovery,Anger In Addiction Recovery,Married to Alcoholic,Regaining Trust in Recovery

dandylion

Hoheypig---Gee thanks. I'm glad you did that---cause it is such an important topic for so many, here.

Did you read any? How would you rate them?---in case others might decide to go there.

dandylion

honeypig

I have barely scratched the surface, but the 2 articles I read definitely were worthwhile, and I'll be back when I have more time (supposed to be working now...). There is a nice little poetry and inspirational section there that I skimmed quickly, too. I would surely recommend giving it a look.

I am all in favor of having more info available to help us understand what's going on and how we can best help ourselves and those around us, Dandylion--I appreciate you finding and posting this. Thanks a lot!

Dublin

Well I lost it again, I think I finally admit defeat, I can't keep doing this. Am staying with a friend tonight and planning how to move forward on my own. Thank you for your support and thanks Dandylion for the website and honeypig for the link. I hope I have the courage to follow through and stay going this time. Who knew that recovery would be the straw to break the camels back. Sad and defeated.

honeypig

Dublin, I'm sorry, but I don't remember if you were going to Alanon at all? Please consider going to some meetings. If you can't make one in person (which is definitely the best option in the beginning, I feel), then check into an online or phone meeting. Alano can give you a lot of support and help you get started on the right path.

You can do what you need to do. There are a lot of folks that will help you; just keep reaching out.

Dublin

Hi Honeypig, thanks I get to at least one alanon meeting a week, two when I can and I do find it great. I think I need to get some space and work on my anger, I have such rage at times with all that has happened. I have tended to keep it all hidden but in recent months shared with some friends and some family members and I called in that support today so going to stay with a good friend tonight and just spoke at length to my brother on the phone. To be honest I think my RA will be just as happy that I'm gone if he even notices, I think I have been clinging on to something that is gone. Very sad but I'm ready for a change, only so long I can hit my head off a brick wall right!

honeypig

There is a lot of anger for me, too, Dublin, some of it directed at the A, some of it directed at myself. I was angry at him b/c he had lied to me so often and so long, and I was angry at myself for being stupid enough to believe it.

I was told that A's do what they do simply b/c they ARE A's. The phrase that was said to me was "it's not like he did it AT you; it's just what an A does." Kind of like being angry at a bird for flying or a bee for buzzing. I find that a certain amount of anger can have a motivating effect for me, and that's not a bad thing, but when it gets out of hand and starts feeling overwhelming and destructive, I try to remind myself of that statement, "he didn't do it AT you."

Don't know if that is helpful for you or not, but wanted to pass it along in case.

Dublin

Thanks honeypig, I actually read that in another thread today where you had posted also and yes it does help. I am equal parts angry at him and me I think and I know a lot of my anger is damaging and could make me sick I need to deal with it in a healthy way. The articles Dandylion posted made a lot of sense to me I am waiting on an apology and amends from my RA and he's to busy enjoying the ticker tape parade everyone's holding for his recovery to notice me fuming in the back of the crowd. Not his issue -mine. I have to decide can I live without acknowledgment of past hurts, without amends and with whatever level of recovery he reaches. I don't like where he is at now and I don't want that to be my life, I think the pain of leaving will be worth the possibility of happier times ahead. I don't want anymore weekends of fights and moods and silences and hurt, his and mine. My behaviour has not been great these last months, I admit that and I will try to improve but I think I need to do it alone. I can't seem to detach properly and not react so I think I need to remove myself from the situation. As I say sad, and tired, very tired. Thanks again.