Mild Meltdown---
 

So all week I have been struggling with my feelings regarding two thing I heard on Tuesday
1) EXAG is getting out of rehab and returning to her apartment on Monday
2) I didn't get an invite to my pseudo step-daughter's high school graduation ceremony (which is going on right now)

Regarding #1, my compulsion kicked in, I failed to resist temptation, and called EXAG and left her a message at rehab. She didn't call back, so I had created a new hurt. I have since let it go, and am now doing OK with it.

Regarding #2, it really hurt my feelings. I understand and accept WHY I wasn't invited, but damn, I helped raise these kids for 10 years. This I also let go to the best of my ability.

Then today I got a letter from step-daughter. Inside was a graduation announcement - basically a professional picture of the stepdaughter in a nice dress with her cap on.

I couldn't believe how overcome I was with raw emotion. I sobbed for about 30 minutes, feeling slapped in the face with what I've lost to alcoholism, and my own sick codependent and controlling ways.

Thanks SR for hearing me.

Big fat hug to you, Crazed. Not being invited to the graduation would have broken my heart, too. :(

Reverse, first #2 -- fwiw -- lotta schools limit how many folks each kid can invite. Yeah, wodda, shodda, codda been you . . . but at least you got the gift request . . . er ah, I mean, announcement.

Regarding #1 -- her brain is likely to be so spinning that you have put in 10 times as much thought (and guilt) as she would even be capable. Dunno if you have tracked around here -- but they tend to be a TOTAL MESS coming out of rehab. Total Mess. All-in-all, maybe be glad you are not there to have that land on you, too.

its good of you to care for the young lady. please make sure to send her a card or something? my last husband and i were together for 14 years total, that's 14 years of my daughter's life from 4-18. when he and i split, well, when i left, he never once tried to contact her directly...in the few times we spoke he was inquire but i was more than a little shocked that his defense mechanism of shutting ME out (understandable) including shutting HER out.

I have to admit, that's the first thing that popped into my head, too, Hammer...

Dear Crazed, that must have hurt like a hundred bee stings!! My heart goes out to you for that one.

I can practically gurantee that it falls on her mother's head, and is not a calculated action by the child!

Do not blame the child--who knows exactly what happened, anyway. The child would probably have to acquiess (sp?) to the parent's wishes, anyway.

Those things that you did with and for the daughter will always remain in her memory--they will be there decades from now. It is not lost. The good always remains in the heart.

I second the suggestion to send the daughter a nice card, or something symbolic.

Isn't it always that the kids get hurt in the middle between the adults?!!!

The messed up mind of the addicted hurts others in countless ways. Ther is no way around that fact.

dandylion

I'd like to expand on my earlier post, Crazed. After I posted it, I wanted to go back and explain why that was the first thing that popped into my mind. But before I could do so, our IT guy came to my desk and needed to perform some computer maintenance, so I had to log out and was not able to log back in before I left for the day.

My oldest brother is in almost the same exact situation as you. When he met his XGF, she had a 5 year old daughter, who from the beginning, he treated as his own. He and his XGF were together for 13 years, and he helped raise her daughter during that time. The only difference is that it wasn't an addiction that came between my brother and his XGF, but another man (although this wasn't evident at first). About 6 months ago, his XGF kicked him out without much of an excuse other than 'it just wasn't working for her' anymore, it was her house and she wanted him out, knowing he had nowhere to go and knowing that he was struggling to get his business off the ground, so between that and helping pay the monthly bills on HER house, he had no money saved up for an apartment, furniture, etc. So he ended up 'living' at his business, which just so happens to be around the corner from HER business. Long story short, he did his best to move on, but found it hard to do when she would constantly find reasons to walk by his shop and 'stop in just to say hi,' she would text him and hint that she'd like to get back together, but then when he would swallow his pride and express interest in doing so, she would cut him down and back away, until the next time she wanted to play with his feelings. During this time, he texted her daughter a few times, asking how she was, how school was going, etc., but he never got a response. So after six months, he's finally accepted that there's no chance of reconciliation and has started taking steps to move on with his life, and now it's graduation time. Does he get invited to her graduation? Nope. I think the reason he was given by his XGF was, "That would probably be awkward for everyone (yeah, especially her new BF!), so I think it's best that you don't come. Oh, but hey, M (the daughter) would like to get her first tattoo and we thought you could do it as a graduation present to her!" Ummmm.....really?? So he's not good enough to be invited to the graduation ceremony of the girl he came to think of as his own daughter, but he's good enough to give her a FREE tattoo as a graduation present?? Nice. And of course, my brother agreed, I think partly because he's still not over his ex and can't seem to break the hold she has over him, but also mostly for the daughter, despite the fact that she doesn't seem to want anything to do with him anymore. I think he figures, well, I can be the bigger person, and at least I'll know I did right by her and won't have to live with regrets.

Obviously, your situation is a bit different, and I'm sure your pseudo-stepdaughter isn't like my brother's. I think in your case, as everyone else has said, she is just caught in the middle and has to abide by her mother's wishes. I agree that it would be a nice gesture to send a card or something in response to the announcement - then no matter what the reasoning is behind you not getting an invite, at least you can rest assured that you rose above it and did the right thing by not taking it out on the girl. I just wanted to explain my earlier post and apologize if it sounded harsh. Admittedly, it struck a nerver...it was hard to see my big brother crying after he got dumped, just as it was hard for him to watch me cry so many months later when it was my turn to get dumped. I just wanted to clarify - it had honestly been bothering me since I left work. And I'm very sorry for the pain you're in tonight. ((hugs))

Tattoo for a Leach's Graduation Present?

omigod.

THAT is too funny.

Sounds like a "My Name is Earl" script.

At least it is not like money going to something stoopit like college n' sh1t.

Thanks all. So here is a bit more information- it stings a bit less since today I found out that NOBODY got invited to graduation. Not aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great parents- basically folks that were instrumental in the kids lives. So I don't feel like I was singly excluded.

I will make an excuse for mom- she is in rehab. I don't think she had anything to do with the planning. I'm not even sure if she was able get out and go for today. Her release date isn't until Monday. I DO blame biological dad, and stepmom Cruella DeVille, who stepdaughter is now living with full time. They have tried to isolate the kids from everyone for years, and this is a prime example of how they are.

Regarding the gift, I have the same opinion about announcements. They scream "we don't want to provide a party, a keg and a cake, but please send money." BUT.... I did already gave her her gift a few months ago- I bought her a plane ticket to see her best friend that moved away. So the fact that I got the card felt good, but made me feel really so sad as well. It was such a flush of intense mixed emotions.

Honestly, not knowing if mom would be there, NC in effect, a stepmom that I despise, and a biological dad that I have no respect for, I am unsure if I would have gone anyway. I truly feel like an outsider. It is her celebration day, and I would rather stay away to not add any discomfort for her.

The most painful part is realizing this is a major event in her life (one of many more to come) that I am no longer a part of. And I blame EXAGs alcoholism, as well as my contributions to the failure of the relationship. It's just so sad.

Crazed,

I feel like you are future tripping about your relationship with your step daughter. The effects of all the time you spent with her haven't just disappeared. It is totally possible that in a few years, when she is independent of her parents and all the crap with your ex has settled down,
she will seek you out again. It would not surprise me if you were invited to her college graduation and/ or wedding.

She's been through a lot lately. Being forced to move in with her dad because her mom got arrested and is now in rehab, is really heavy sh1t. If her dad didn't want you at the graduation, I find it totally normal she went along with what he wanted. It isn't a relection on you or your relationship with her in the least. She's in as much pain over your exagf as you are, if not more. She might not have even given a thought to who came, or even really cared.

Maybe think about this a minute. Your Jailbird-ex -- did she screw him over more than she did you? I follow the "Make an excuse" routine, but you may have the more common experience with them. More than any of the rest of the enablers on Did Not Invite list.

Sure. Write the check, send with it with an All The Best Card, and think good thoughts. At least she is not going to go get a tattoo with it (still laughing about that one). Looking back I have watched Mrs. Hammer pull this sort of crap on her dad for years. A couple of months ago, I went apologized for my unwitting part in it over the last 10+ years.

Really distressed him and his wife, early on, too. They wound up in a church program over it, (sort of like Alanon) and are really doing pretty well, now. Their peace and acceptance is about like mine -- Mrs. Hammer has a mental illness and is an addict/alcoholic, etc. Another name for that condition is User.

and Users . . . use other people. What they do. Otherwise the word would not have meaning.

On a brighter note, with our User somewhat sidelined, I now try to make a point that her dad gets to see our kids.

Only person who really screwed everyone over was/is Jailbird. Whenever you get ready to take the Goddess down from the pedestal and the picture down from the wall, you will likely figure it out. Best to you on the path ahead.

Thanks for the comments.

Yes, he also was victim. But regarding the "enablers," comment, I am speaking about HIS side of the family, independent of EXAG and her disease. No enabling there, just HIS desire for CONTROL. He has done some horrible things to my EXAG, myself, and the kids over the last 14 years since their divorce.

I couldn't DISAGREE more. It is so easy to place ALL BLAME on the alcoholic. But there have been 4 parents involved in the lives of these children. None of us are perfect, and the other side of the family is full of blatant disfunction. This is independent of EXAG. I say this without taking any blame away from EXAG. But I know she is not the only person to blame.

She is not on a pedestal in my mind. At all.



... If you don't mind, I would like to start a new thread with this comment. It is actually something I have been thinking about for a few days.