cricket123

I have to keep reminding myself that he is thinking like a 12 year old and not a grown man. I find this to be very difficult to deal with. What other stuggles have you had in learning new skills to deal with your A?

SparkleKitty

My entire life it has been difficult for me not to take everything other people do and say personally, even when I KNOW, from a logical perspective, that it has NOTHING to do with me. I have had to learn to step back from my knee-jerk emotional responses and ask myself, "Is this person doing this TO me, or is it possible I don't have all of the information about what they are going through?" This is a lifelong process for me.

sunnshinegirl

For me, it's detachment and not trying to fix everything.

DreamsofSerenity

Differentiating between who he really is and who I want him to be. My thinking is so warped, I have a hard time seeing reality.

honeypig

I'm in there w/SparkleKitty--everything, my whole life, has been taken oh-so-personally and responded to on an emotional basis. Recently I read a response here in which the poster said words to the effect of "he isn't doing this AT you" and it was like a bucket of water in the face--I suddenly and finally GOT IT! Holy carpfish!

Now, by no means do I practice this well, but I am at least AWARE of it now, I at least understand what is meant by not taking things personally, which I didn't even get THAT before. That's gotta be part of the battle, right? Now to get on with using it in daily life....

SparkleKitty

Not to derail this interesting thread, but I am totally stealing this!

Fathom

Tee! Hee! I am completely amused by you guys! (I'm stealing it too!)

I am actually surprised, but I think I have learned greater patience dealing with angry irrational people in my life. Not just talking about As now, but members of the public that I sometimes interact with. I have patience with their rantings because I now realize it has nothing to do with me personally, and it's not my job to fix it for them. They just need a rant, and I no longer internalize it or carry it with me after the conversation is done.

So, great! Lesson learned, right? Well, I still have work to do. Because, even though I am patient with my response now... I am still responding! But, at least now, I try to address my response to the rational universe, and not just to the ranting red-faced person in front of me. It seems to work on some level, but I think I could just not put my energy into the response in the first place.

Fathom

Sueski

Not biting the hook is one of my biggies. I have to almost physically restrain myself from trying to have a logical debate or discussion when he gets Like That.

Walk away, Sue, walk away. Don't respond. Say, "hmm," or something else noncommittal. Take a breath. Sometimes it even works!!

I'm stealing "holy carpfish," too. Love it!

BodkinVanHorn

I have a really hard time because I try to understand the...motive? I'm not sure that's the right word? I guess I'm looking for a rational reason but there isn't one. And it doesn't make sense and it's frightening to me.

EverHopeful721

The biggest thing I learned from my XA was to pay attention to ACTIONS and not get caught up in WORDS. Yes, he was SAYING he loved me, SAYING he wanted to continue seeing me, but he wasn't ACTING like it!! This was hard for me to grasp (still is), because I'm an honest person and I would never lie about such things, especially to someone I knew had true feelings for me...

thislonelygirl

Wow I think while my ah was drinking (sober now) the list of was vast.
I agree the mental capacity of a drunk would be. Number 1...then the dissapearing....blamimg and financially.
But to be brief I think it would have been trust....learning to let go of it and realize I wasnt in a normal healthy relationship and hurting myself with the illusion it was was a learning curve for me.
I needed to let go of the idea that our relationship was broken because of us but because of what his drinking caused.
It took me awhile to stop trying to fix us and understand what addiction was...and it was/is a baffling disease. I think "trust" was something I expected to be mutual not realizing that the person I expected to trust in had the mental capacity of a teen and therefore I was more mom than a wife...and needed to detach from the illusion that I had any part in the relationship other than. Myself.

Sueski

Bodkin, I feel that way, too. The irrationality of some of the behavior is just so IRRATIONAL!! It's crazy-making to try to figure it out. I'm getting better at thinking of it like the weather and just dealing with the conditions as they are. Still hard, though.

theseithakas

This. This this this. Times a million.

wolfpackfan45

Detachment and not trying to fix it is my killer. I struggle with watching my 22 year old son making the same mistakes over and over. He's sober, but very immature. Frustrating to see him make decisions like he was back in high school. He's getting better, but at times I feel like pulling my hair out.

Florence

Detachment. At this point I interact with him as little as possible because my tendency is to jump right into his business if we talk too long. I have fears for how my STBXAH handles our daughter, but I think he's trying to make a go at sobriety and he has a LOT of obstacles. I shouldn't be one of them, and frankly, I don't want a front row seat to the drama anymore.

Reedling

The second hardest most important thing for me still is to get up and leave the room and the house if necessary. First hardest is planning ahead, especially when things seem to be going well, to leave the room and the house if necessary.

dandylion

Mine is remembering when I must just hand them (my A's) over to the universe.

Another way of saying "Let go and let God". Loving them at a distance.

It takes the responsibility off my shoulders--where it didn't really belong in the first place.

dandylion

dbaguy

This is my biggest hurdle ever. I'm a "fixer" by nature and trying to alter that behavior is a real struggle.

MsPINKAcres

my hardest struggle is not telling my daughter & step-son - how much their disease is affecting their children ~

I know in my head my words would be wasted ~ I would have better results talking to a pine tree in my front yard ~ but I KNOW ~ I have been there ~

I know how I was affected, I know how my daughters (including my now in recovery addict daughter) are affected and I know how my grandchildren are affected ~

I struggle with wanting to "make" them see this ~ but I know I can't!

So I keep my words to myself and offer up prayers that my grandchildren will hear recovery thru my actions ~

Pink hugs ~

SolTraveler

I struggle with detachment... big time.

I have recently come to the realization that, drinking or sober, he will never be the partner that I want. Sure, he may be there sometimes, when he isn't at work (which is ALL the time) or at the bar with friends (twice a week) or golfing (at least twice a month). I get what is left over. I am trying to come to grips with it because I don't think it will ever change - this is part of his personality and has been since I first met him 20 years ago. But... I was still hoping for more. Now I have to create more of a life outside of my job and family, or go insane, because just like you can't "buy bread at a hardware store" I can't rely on him for social interaction and support as much as I need.