Florence

I used to talk about my AH like this. I was talking myself into staying, and minimizing the effects of his drunk behavior on me, the household, and our families.

And somewhere under all the layers and excuses was a question I never wanted to ask of myself: Who was I if I hitched my cart to a lame horse? It might have been a nice horse, or a nice looking horse, but if it didn't pull a cart, or kept losing the cart (This metaphor is getting weird), I was just feeding and housing a perfectly good horse that didn't want to work the farm. Ahem.

Another thing, and I know this from experience, all the flowery language is romanticizing the exquisite tragedy of a young man throwing his life away. Unlike the movies, happy endings are hard won and very rare. Unlike the movies, you don't get to walk away after two and a half hours. This is your actual life, your actual relationship, your money and things and family. What kind of relationship can you have with someone who lies to you? Who you can't trust?

What exactly is heroic about Mr Hero? I'm hoping its a sardonic nickname.

Jad3d

MetallicThorn,

You are clearly an intelligent person, but whether you admit it to yourself or not, you are skirting over his issues and trying to envision a life with him IF. I say this to everyone and to myself: beware the "If". "If" is a dangerous state of being. It opens us up to possibilities instead of probabilities and certainties.

This here below is an example here of your "If" state of mind:

I am starting with this quote because it's the concept that each of here have thought as some point or another in our journey. That version is exactly that - it's a version, a type, an ideal of the person he could be if he just did ... etc.

This is an honest statement and you should not ignore it.

You keep saying "won't be happy" so you're clearly unhappy now.

Consider yourself as two separate people with two different agendas. "We" got back? No, HE got back to where HE started. And you are frustrated because the reality doesn't fit with your versions of what your life could be like.

Whatever his reasons for stopping before, he made a conscious choice to start up again. You're right when you say you can't blame anyone but him.

You are assuming here what he really wants. If you wanted a better life, wouldn't you go out and achieve that? If he wants so badly to have something for for himself, wouldn't he? Again, you are trying to second guess his intentions to fit in with your ideal.

You are trying to push him because he will be great? You just know it? This statement wreaks of hesitation and idealism. You know you don't really know this. You just wish it. You wish he would be great some day. I wished the same thing for one of my xabfs with alcoholism and drug addiction. He's now in jail. So I wished it, but it didn't happen. And he was ridiculously smart - he could have been anything. That's why it was so sad to watch it all unfold. He had a bad past too, sure, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.

Smart people aren't immune from doing stupid things. The fact that they are smart doesn't give them a pass either.

You can't push anyone toward a "brighter" tomorrow, you can only push yourself. His tomorrow is his business.

You should definitely accept people for who they are, and sure you can love them - but you don't live their lives for them. My uncle is a drug addict. I love him, sure but I am strictly NC with him. I accept he is who he is but that is his cross to bear, not mine.

And settle? This is a big red flag. You say you can leave him, but you're willing to settle? You are an intelligent and insightful woman with a lot of love to give, but you are buying in to the bulls***. Why should you settle for anything? You should always aim for the stars, because if don't quite make it, you'll still be somewhere up high. Don't settle for the sewer!

His burden is his own, not yours. (three C's - Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it). He alone has that power.

You will become blind to it, and one day you will wake up when that beautiful version of your life has never come to fruition and he has thrown your brother through a window/spent all your money/got your car impounded/lost his job... These are actual realities. I lived through them and many other horrible things all because I chose to stay and save my man from the big, bad bottle. I didn't save him. I left. And I chose me. I chose to save me.

These are not relationship issues - they are issues exclusive to alcoholics/abusers/addicts - and they are up to the individual to recover from.


This will not be a silent devotion - this will be a trainwreck of conflicting emotions. You know this will not make you happy but your posts scream of an underlying obligation to stick it out. Why? Would you stay in a job you hated? Stay friends with someone who hurt you?

Crying is not a silent devotion - it is an expression of sadness, of pain. Eventually the crying stops, and it turns to amusement, then disbelief, complacency, and then disgust.

Your posts are sad, they remind me of the many stages I went through - justifying his behaviour, accepting him for who he was, and believing in the person he could be.

At the end of the day, I can only believe in me and not be let down. Because only I can control who that person staring back at me is.

MT, You don't need to forgive yourself. You are not going to be there all the time, but you shouldn't have to be. He chose to relapse, and you say you have to live with your lack of action? What about his action? What about his choice to throw his recovery out of the window?

You're right. But I hope you realise that he is not worth having. He needs to work on himself, and you need to realise that the only thing worth having is genuine happiness.

MetallicThorn

Again, I feel as though I've given people a mass misconception of me, my intentions and goals while on this site.

I am not here to compromise anyone's integrity, I am not here to prove anyone wrong and or right, I am not here to throw my ideals at people or change their's and I am not here to throw my relationship at people obnoxiously.

What I know for sure is that I do want to acquire knowledge of what alcoholism is, how it works, how it shows up and how it can be addressed.

I am here for heightening my sense of awareness and consciousness to what can happen, has happened with other people and what possibly will happen in the future. A designated path if you will.

I am here for camaraderie, council and a shared introspection on the struggles of dating an alcoholic, from those who not only empathize but understand due to experience.

Above all, I'm looking for all the safety of a fourth room where I can go and feel accepted amongst individuals who are there with the same alignment. Allowing me to express my truth openly, freely and honestly.

MetallicThorn

Someone asked, "What heroic qualities does he have now?"

I presume this was asked because I called him Mr. Hero. Initially, this stemmed from a nickname I gave him(despite him disliking it.) It wasn't as though he defeated an evil villain or rescued me away from evil step parents. In fact, he wouldn't be deemed a "Hero" at all.

Throughout my dating history, I've learned a lot through trial and error. As mentioned earlier on, I dated Mr. Hero before, but it fell through on my behalf. Now that I've learned more about myself, my relationship with myself and my relationship with God, I've discovered what truly matters to me in terms of being in a relationship. Those eternal qualities I was blindly unaware of now vivid and crystal clear. In essence, that's why Mr. Hero and I started dating again. Underneath his disease and bravado lay the ground work for a long lasting path to Love, Healing and Regeneration.

It was never about "Superman", rather Clark Kent, and even he didn't see himself as a Hero. Moreover, it was about an observing-ego, which allows us to see how people view us and how we view ourselves.

I call him Mr. Hero...because he has giving me back my humility.

wicked

What is a fourth room?

You are being accepted here MetallicThorn, I am sorry if you do not feel it.
You are being given the best advice and counsel ever, the kind that is hard won through experience.
Please continue to express yourself, you seem to have a very keen and intelligent mind.
I have one too.

I am a recovering alcoholic.
I was just doing some reading from "The Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps", and it struck me that what I read might be helpful to you.

As a codependent we become blind to what is really happening.
It starts out slowly, just a few drunks here and there, a DUI where someone gets hurt, a trip to rehab and a return to alcohol.
It seems like NORMAL.
You know this great guy is in there, and if you hang on long enough, or love him enough, or accept his alcoholism as part of NORMAL, then somehow it will all work out.
It will not. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. He can halt the progression, but that chance is always there, what piece of stress will make him drink again?
There is no "WE" when he decided to drink again. Only HE decided to drink again.
Then since somehow, you have decided you have some control over this, you will go insane trying to fix it, hide it, ignore it, rehab it.

Unless and until he is willing to go to any lengths to recover he will get worse.
That is a fact.

You can have your normal love story, but not with an alcoholic.
The odds are so slim they are negligible.

I wonder, do you have any struggles with addiction in your family of origin?

Try some Al Anon meetings, you will get an education, and meet some wonderful caring and compassionate people who will help you see how you might be getting fuzzy vision.

Beth

PS I am not labeling you codependent, I was speaking for myself only.
It just seemed some of your posts, especially the one with the phone conversation were very revealing about what is happening.
Like anvil said, he is talking about drinking, you are talking about food and studying.
Oh, I hope this makes some kind of sense.
Keep coming back here.

Crazed

I empathize and believe I have some experience. I was with my ExAG and her daughters for 13 years. I fell in love with her because she was beautiful, intelligent, educated, physically fit, fun, creative, dedicated to her career, and had a good sense of humor. But I kept my emotional distance from her because deep down I knew she was an alcoholic, and things would probably not work out. We were together, then separated, then together again. I hung in because I knew if she could just kick the disease, she would be that everything. She stopped for a few years (which were filled with substituted chaos), then she started drinking again (very infrequently, but always resulted in chaos) and started a very gradual slide in 2007. She is now currently in her 5th rehab. A few months ago she lost her lucrative job. She has a nice convertible, but no license because of her multiple DUIs. Her kids moved out of her apartment and now live full time with biological dad. I can only imagine how difficult things are for her now. And I STILL believe in the person she could be. But that causes me to ignore the person she currently is.

While i dont even know if she is feeling any pain, MY pain from the damage it has done to me is extreme. Her disease, her life, her conflicts, etc, took over my life. I accepted unacceptable behavior to the extent that anyone else would have exited the relationship. I don't blame her or the alcoholism. I blame me. I chose to stay for many of that reasons that you have discussed. In the beginning I left because I knew it was not right. But I came back to give it another shot. And I hung in, in the face of chaos over and over. Because of this belief that "it really wasn't that bad. If she could just stop drinking."

You have been given a lot of good insight. Many here are very passionate, but it is to try to protect, and prevent future pain. If you read other posts, you will see current active pain that being involved with an alcoholic brings. I would be willing to bet that several of them could have written your same first post when they first got involved.

The choice to stay or go is yours. I walked the tightrope- I never committed 100% through marriage, but I also never committed to leave. It was extremely unhealthy for both of us, and I believe it contributed to her staying sick. I hope you will eventually make this difficult decision. The best advice I can give is to not wait 13 years to do it.

WritingFromLife

MT--I hear where you are coming from and I don't think you have given anyone misconceptions. Many on this forum are very experienced with where you are right now and are hoping you get off those tracks before the train hits.

Please continue to post and stick around these pages, peruse threads others have started, etc. Much to learn from the stories of others here, I have found.

FireSprite

Ditto & quite honestly, just referring to him AS Mr. Hero is in & of itself a huge overture of romantic connotation, is it not?

MT - you have gotten incredible advice in this thread, I really hope you are hearing it. (((HUGS)))

MetallicThorn

Someone asked, "I wonder, do you have any struggles with addiction in your family of origin?

In term's of my family, I have only one individual who has fell into the clutches of addiction. Other than that my family does not struggle with that specific issue.

I myself, have never desired or relished in any substance because that doesn't appeal to me.


Someone asked, "What's a fourth room?"

When I wrote that, I was using that as an expression or symbolism of a "private" space to converse with other's and release all my thoughts, opinions and notions of alcoholism without fear of judgement.