Back from rock bottom with some hope
 

I came to this site and posted for the first time recently when my husband of 13 years went completely off the deep end. I just want to follow up while I’m in a much better place. This may be too long for anyone to want to read, but it is helpful to me. I am so glad to have found this board. Reading the posts here has been both very scary (why, oh why do so many good people have to be here??) and very helpful.

My husband has had a problem for years, but his binges were short (he would justify them as blowing off steam), and he always seemed to come right back to his reasonable self. I worried and tried to make him see the extent of the problem and he’d say some of the right things, but I knew he didn’t see it for what it was. He thought pot was his only problem because he had done it daily for years and quit, but he substituted it with binges on alcohol, coke and pills. He was never irresponsible to his work or others…just me…so in the height of his binges he would call me a puritanical American (he’s English and I’m not puritanical, by the way). And he is very successful -- the business is expanding well and he receives tons of press - local and national -- so it was easy for him to think he was managing it all.

He recently went on a several week binge, taking huge quantities of all his drugs and alcohol. I was petrified he would OD on the pill/alcohol mix. He abandoned our business and intimidated me with a hammer at one of our restaurants because I was trying to stand in his way. I had him thrown in jail…more to protect him than me. The court mandated treatment, but they allowed him out (he made a grand argument for how he had to go take care of his elderly father) and he flew to England (worrying his father tremendously) and then Amsterdam to get high on his “drug of choice� for several days. I was in the depths of despair, as you can all relate to, during this time. He referred to me as his ex-wife in court and I was forced to make plans with our partners to step in to run the current businesses and to launch the restaurant that is in construction now – abandoning my own career. I knew forced treatment wouldn't work if he didn't see the need and I thought everything was probably thrown away, all my hopes and dreams for my life with this man.

He did return for his court date and treatment. And I am just amazed at how much he seems to be getting it now just five days into treatment. And for right now at least, I don’t think it is BS coming out of his mouth. In no uncertain terms he is admitting that he is an alcoholic and substance abuser and that he never wants that craziness to take hold of him again. He is being very proactive to put a support network together (AA, MA, a sponsor) in addition to attending the mandated treatment meetings. And he even said to me last night after a meeting that he was going to start praying. He is an atheist and has always been very against religion. This, more than anything, makes me see a change in him.

I have learned enough from this board and from many long conversations with people in my own support network, to know that his recovery may or may not work long term. But now that I feel my sanity returning a little, it is time to look after myself. I recognize how all my energy recently has been on him and I can't continue that. I've lost a lot of weight I can't afford to lose and I'm a mess in so many ways. I've always been very independent and strong and somehow thought codependency didn't apply to me. I clearly didn't understand the concept. But I understand now how wrong I was -- it is because I am so used to controlling my life and fighting fiercely for my loved ones that makes me extremely codependent. But I can't control his recovery. Just for me, I plan to attend Al-Anon, I’ve just started reading “Codependent No More� and I am seeing a family therapist versed in addiction issues.

Thank you all for listening and for being here for one another and me. My best wishes and prayers (I’m agnostic although not anti-religious, so I figure it can’t hurt) are with all of you.


P.S. You can find used copies of “Codependent No More� or other helpful books on half.com for sometimes as little as $1.00 plus $2.30 shipping.

That sounds hauntingly familiar.
Vikster, it's good to hear that things are on the upswing for you. Keep taking care of yourself, that's what it's all about.
Gabe

Good to see things are looking up.
Take care of you.

Ngaire