The recovery rollercoaster
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
The recovery rollercoaster
I have been reading a bit since my first post. Of course I have many questions.
My project at work should be finished in the next couple of weeks, so I hope to be able to make a meeting. As I said before, AH's job is tenuous and my job is brand new, so I really have to work the extra and make sure I keep my job.
In my last post, I mentioned how I thought AH was detaching from the family. At first I thought it was just me, but now it is me and both kids. The oldest doesn't notice as much since he isn't around the house much (is an adult), the youngest has started the eye rolling whenever AH says anything.
I have been trying to detach and have only had a couple of slip ups this past week. I once asked him if he has stomach issues because he is clearing his throat about 40 times an hour.....it is annoying. He got so mad at me, telling me that given everything else that was not an issue that needed to be addressed. Didn't speak to me for a day or two after that.
The second, I thought we could do some shopping together where we would have to make some decisions. He was a jerk to me and an absolute jerk/idiot to the kind salesperson that was attempting to help us. I was very embarrassed to be with him. I did not confront him, just told him that I thought we should leave the store. He has not spoken 10 words to me since (just yes, no, maybe, whatever, eye rolls etc. )
So my question....I feel like I am letting him be a jerk to everyone when I don't confront this behaviour. I feel like I am telling him that his behaviour is OK by me because he does it and I walk away.
How do I detach, but let him know that how he is acting is unacceptable? I compliment him when deserved, but all I get back is a curt one word response. I am afraid if I say anything negative at all, that I will unleash a beast.
Advice anyone?
bluetomato
My project at work should be finished in the next couple of weeks, so I hope to be able to make a meeting. As I said before, AH's job is tenuous and my job is brand new, so I really have to work the extra and make sure I keep my job.
In my last post, I mentioned how I thought AH was detaching from the family. At first I thought it was just me, but now it is me and both kids. The oldest doesn't notice as much since he isn't around the house much (is an adult), the youngest has started the eye rolling whenever AH says anything.
I have been trying to detach and have only had a couple of slip ups this past week. I once asked him if he has stomach issues because he is clearing his throat about 40 times an hour.....it is annoying. He got so mad at me, telling me that given everything else that was not an issue that needed to be addressed. Didn't speak to me for a day or two after that.
The second, I thought we could do some shopping together where we would have to make some decisions. He was a jerk to me and an absolute jerk/idiot to the kind salesperson that was attempting to help us. I was very embarrassed to be with him. I did not confront him, just told him that I thought we should leave the store. He has not spoken 10 words to me since (just yes, no, maybe, whatever, eye rolls etc. )
So my question....I feel like I am letting him be a jerk to everyone when I don't confront this behaviour. I feel like I am telling him that his behaviour is OK by me because he does it and I walk away.
How do I detach, but let him know that how he is acting is unacceptable? I compliment him when deserved, but all I get back is a curt one word response. I am afraid if I say anything negative at all, that I will unleash a beast.
Advice anyone?
bluetomato
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
This is a tough question (I'm a newbie) but I feel for you and want to show support. I have a friend who is so rude to servers at restaurants that I totally dread going out to eat with her. Confronting her about her behavior would only unleash her wrath upon me, so I understand how difficult your situation is.
First of all, it isn't your responsibility how your AH treats other people. In the example with the salesperson, maybe you could have walked away from the scene while he was being rude. Salespeople are used to dealing with jerks, and this one probably would have realized you were walking away because you disapproved of your AH's behavior.
First of all, it isn't your responsibility how your AH treats other people. In the example with the salesperson, maybe you could have walked away from the scene while he was being rude. Salespeople are used to dealing with jerks, and this one probably would have realized you were walking away because you disapproved of your AH's behavior.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear bluetomato, it sounds like you are living pretty much on eggshells and are living under a lot of pressure to make everything o.k. That is a lot to shoulder.
It is pretty unanamous that the earl y recovery period is stressful on everyone in the family--at least, for the first year. I notice that this is the most sober he has been for 30yrs. The alcoholic uses alcohol to cope with their emotions--both good and bad. They are often at a loss when their major coping device for life has been taken away. Life without alcohol is very frightening and they haven't had time to develop normal coping skills.
Your husband sounds, to me, to be very angry at what has happened and is expressing it in a very hostile, passive-aggressive way. Maybe he feels you are part of the reason that his best friend has been taken away. Anything and anyone that gets between the alcoholic and his drinking is seen as the enemy (at an emotional level).
On the detachment issue--you don't have to be with him when he is behaving this way. You can set as many boundrys as you wish or need to to distance yourself from any behaviors that you find unacceptable. REMEMBER that anything you do will not cause him to drink or not drink. He is responsible for what he does. He is responsible for his reactions as you are for yours. If he drinks--he drinks because he is an alcoholic.
If he is a jerk shopping--stop shopping with him. If he punishes you with his silent treatment--arrange to be away from him. Certainly, don't stay in the room any longer than absolutely necessary. The goal is to make life more comfortable for you--not him. If he is QUACKING--don't engage or get sucked in--deflect him.
There is a website: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com that has some good articles on the dynamics of early recovery and the stress on the family--go to the section (on left side) on the addicted family. You will probably relate to this material quite a bit.
Not everyone can tolerate this early recovery period. It is up to you to decide this for yourself--what can you live with. Alan is going to help you a l ot--as well as reading the "stickys" at the top of this main page.
Please hang around and post as often as you need to. Many, here have been in yoiur shoes and will share their experience and understanding with you.
dandylion
It is pretty unanamous that the earl y recovery period is stressful on everyone in the family--at least, for the first year. I notice that this is the most sober he has been for 30yrs. The alcoholic uses alcohol to cope with their emotions--both good and bad. They are often at a loss when their major coping device for life has been taken away. Life without alcohol is very frightening and they haven't had time to develop normal coping skills.
Your husband sounds, to me, to be very angry at what has happened and is expressing it in a very hostile, passive-aggressive way. Maybe he feels you are part of the reason that his best friend has been taken away. Anything and anyone that gets between the alcoholic and his drinking is seen as the enemy (at an emotional level).
On the detachment issue--you don't have to be with him when he is behaving this way. You can set as many boundrys as you wish or need to to distance yourself from any behaviors that you find unacceptable. REMEMBER that anything you do will not cause him to drink or not drink. He is responsible for what he does. He is responsible for his reactions as you are for yours. If he drinks--he drinks because he is an alcoholic.
If he is a jerk shopping--stop shopping with him. If he punishes you with his silent treatment--arrange to be away from him. Certainly, don't stay in the room any longer than absolutely necessary. The goal is to make life more comfortable for you--not him. If he is QUACKING--don't engage or get sucked in--deflect him.
There is a website: peggyferguson.marriage-family.com that has some good articles on the dynamics of early recovery and the stress on the family--go to the section (on left side) on the addicted family. You will probably relate to this material quite a bit.
Not everyone can tolerate this early recovery period. It is up to you to decide this for yourself--what can you live with. Alan is going to help you a l ot--as well as reading the "stickys" at the top of this main page.
Please hang around and post as often as you need to. Many, here have been in yoiur shoes and will share their experience and understanding with you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Perhaps what appears to be detachment on hubby's part is actually a form of manipulation and control on his part. Just because he is not drinking today, does not mean traits just disappear overnight.
Well lets see, he is an adult man, why do you feel the need to compliment his "good" behavior ? geez, your not training a puppy here. ( said without malice)
You cannot control him, and you are not responsible for his unacceptable actions. period.
You are afraid to say anything in fear of unleashing the beast? What would you like to say to him ?
He's the one acting like as ass and being rude and disrespectful, maybe he is showing you who he really is, it's been said , sometimes we give the booze to much credit.
Regardless, You do not have to continue to spend your days walking on eggshells. Best I can offer, concentrate on yourself, let him work his own recovery......
Well lets see, he is an adult man, why do you feel the need to compliment his "good" behavior ? geez, your not training a puppy here. ( said without malice)
You cannot control him, and you are not responsible for his unacceptable actions. period.
You are afraid to say anything in fear of unleashing the beast? What would you like to say to him ?
He's the one acting like as ass and being rude and disrespectful, maybe he is showing you who he really is, it's been said , sometimes we give the booze to much credit.
Regardless, You do not have to continue to spend your days walking on eggshells. Best I can offer, concentrate on yourself, let him work his own recovery......
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You will need some kind of outside support, bluetomato. You will not be able to deal with this in isolation, whether he is newly sober or secretly drinking. Perhaps your medical insurance will cover a referral to a counselor via a visit with your family doctor to ask for that referral. You must get outside help.
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and has been, according to your first post, for many years. And you are very vulnerable to his mood swings and his passive-aggressive attempts to hurt you.
Many alcoholics enjoy hurting their loved ones. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Alcoholism feeds on resentment, and alcoholics are loaded with resentments. Their brains scan for things to resent. And a fragile spouse who is afraid to defend herself or to be herself....is a prime target.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a relationship of dominance and submission. The alcoholic dominates the spouse through threats....threats that he will get angry, threats that he will leave her, threats that he will find someone better. He dominates by criticizing her personality, her looks, her sexual expression, her close friends, her family members. He isolates her from people by being so hostile and belligerent that staying away from other people seems to her like an easier choice. And the more she is isolated, the more he mentally controls her.
Your husband has abandoned you in countless ways and today he is in IOP because he was forced to do that or lose his job. He is in a simmering rage because the world--and you--are getting in the way of his drinking.
You must seek help. SR is not enough. You need help there, and will need help for many years. This is a long long road and you have children who have been hurt by the alcoholism in their lives. SR can offer you some support, but your needs are greater and deeper. I hope you will find a way to see a counselor. You are at risk of being destroyed by your husband's abuse. He is going to look for someone to blame for the drinking. There is a very good chance it will be you he blames.
Nothing you do or say has ever caused it. Nothing you do or say ever will.
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and has been, according to your first post, for many years. And you are very vulnerable to his mood swings and his passive-aggressive attempts to hurt you.
Many alcoholics enjoy hurting their loved ones. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Alcoholism feeds on resentment, and alcoholics are loaded with resentments. Their brains scan for things to resent. And a fragile spouse who is afraid to defend herself or to be herself....is a prime target.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a relationship of dominance and submission. The alcoholic dominates the spouse through threats....threats that he will get angry, threats that he will leave her, threats that he will find someone better. He dominates by criticizing her personality, her looks, her sexual expression, her close friends, her family members. He isolates her from people by being so hostile and belligerent that staying away from other people seems to her like an easier choice. And the more she is isolated, the more he mentally controls her.
Your husband has abandoned you in countless ways and today he is in IOP because he was forced to do that or lose his job. He is in a simmering rage because the world--and you--are getting in the way of his drinking.
You must seek help. SR is not enough. You need help there, and will need help for many years. This is a long long road and you have children who have been hurt by the alcoholism in their lives. SR can offer you some support, but your needs are greater and deeper. I hope you will find a way to see a counselor. You are at risk of being destroyed by your husband's abuse. He is going to look for someone to blame for the drinking. There is a very good chance it will be you he blames.
Nothing you do or say has ever caused it. Nothing you do or say ever will.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I find that alcoholic ugliness doesnt entirely disappear. My ah a month sober...sooooo much a better him still has days where he acts like a jerk. He gets frustrated and annoyed at times.
I think this is to be expected. I just brush it off since ah catches himself after.
Maybe this is something better left to aa and therapy...?
Or just a learning curve for him as time goes on?
Speaking up to his bad behavior sounds reasonable but you know your husband and if hes acting childish would this only continue the childish behavior?
Anyhow on the throat scratching my hubs does this as well. All it is is clearing his throat.
He probably notices more now sober to do so. I think this is just another new thing to being sober and men as they get older make these interesting noises lol
Or if you reallt think it may be medical.... it could be allergies.
I think this is to be expected. I just brush it off since ah catches himself after.
Maybe this is something better left to aa and therapy...?
Or just a learning curve for him as time goes on?
Speaking up to his bad behavior sounds reasonable but you know your husband and if hes acting childish would this only continue the childish behavior?
Anyhow on the throat scratching my hubs does this as well. All it is is clearing his throat.
He probably notices more now sober to do so. I think this is just another new thing to being sober and men as they get older make these interesting noises lol
Or if you reallt think it may be medical.... it could be allergies.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Welccme blue tomato!
Whoa. Again English Garden, your wisdom is profound. Thank you!
Blue tomato, living with your A is a choice you make, but one the isn't necessary. I can't begin to understand how people do it. I think you have to be in love with your A. If it was my child who was the A in my house, then I get it. But a grown man who burps and smells, is bigger than me, lies and threatens and abuses me, and in front of the children? Get out of my house you vile being!
But we each have a different situation and timeline. Once I went to Al Anon and got finally after upteen years what I was dealing with - it was almost completely over for me. 3 enlighening couples therapy sessions, a few Al Anon meetings, and one violent episode and I was finally through with AH. Life is too short for me, and the children's childhoods are faster than fast. They are living on eggshells, too.
Ok, enough said! Courage!
Whoa. Again English Garden, your wisdom is profound. Thank you!
Blue tomato, living with your A is a choice you make, but one the isn't necessary. I can't begin to understand how people do it. I think you have to be in love with your A. If it was my child who was the A in my house, then I get it. But a grown man who burps and smells, is bigger than me, lies and threatens and abuses me, and in front of the children? Get out of my house you vile being!
But we each have a different situation and timeline. Once I went to Al Anon and got finally after upteen years what I was dealing with - it was almost completely over for me. 3 enlighening couples therapy sessions, a few Al Anon meetings, and one violent episode and I was finally through with AH. Life is too short for me, and the children's childhoods are faster than fast. They are living on eggshells, too.
Ok, enough said! Courage!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Wow.
I have a lot if work to do and am in a bit of denial.
I am tired of eggshells. I am tired of being the intermittent chicken.
I need to get some help. I need to admit that I can't fix this.
I can't even wish for things the way they used to be because I don't know when I have ever lived in reality.
My husband is an addict. My first step is admitting that.
I thank you all for your eye opening posts.
Lots of reading and thinking to do.....
Bluetomato
I have a lot if work to do and am in a bit of denial.
I am tired of eggshells. I am tired of being the intermittent chicken.
I need to get some help. I need to admit that I can't fix this.
I can't even wish for things the way they used to be because I don't know when I have ever lived in reality.
My husband is an addict. My first step is admitting that.
I thank you all for your eye opening posts.
Lots of reading and thinking to do.....
Bluetomato
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 43
I am new on the recovery journey, but have noticed similar things with my AH. He is 28 days sober, but sometimes I wish he would start drinking again. It feels like he is emotionally stunted and reverts back to being a surly teenager. He doesn't know how to deal with the emotions he has been drinking to cover up for all these years. He gets frustrated easily and saying every moment he is fighting the urge to drink, which distracts him and puts him on edge.
I am hoping with work, time and space we will be in a better place. I thought stopping drinking would solve everything, but like someone else here said, when the drinking stops, the real work starts.
((hugs))
I am hoping with work, time and space we will be in a better place. I thought stopping drinking would solve everything, but like someone else here said, when the drinking stops, the real work starts.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Thanks for the hugs Wishful.
I totally get surly teenager.
I wish AH would say ' I am struggling at the moment' instead of treating me like crap.
When I told him I would do what I could to support him thru recovery he threw it back at me and told me there was no way I could ever understand what he is going through so don't even try to pretend I could help him in any way. So I step away.
Then he gets pissy because I don't ask him how he is doing.
I am wrong at every turn. I am beginning to think that we are beyond any amount of work.the resentment is too deep on his part and I am losing me.
Sad
I totally get surly teenager.
I wish AH would say ' I am struggling at the moment' instead of treating me like crap.
When I told him I would do what I could to support him thru recovery he threw it back at me and told me there was no way I could ever understand what he is going through so don't even try to pretend I could help him in any way. So I step away.
Then he gets pissy because I don't ask him how he is doing.
I am wrong at every turn. I am beginning to think that we are beyond any amount of work.the resentment is too deep on his part and I am losing me.
Sad
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
