laurie6781

I agree with Dandylion definitely start contacting some agencies and they can also help with the 'Medicare' as since your dad is blind and your mom had senile dementia, will pay for, if 'ordered' by a doctor up to 28 hours a week 'home health care help' which can and does mean a 'housekeeper' of sorts, that can take them grocery shopping and/or doctor visits, etc. Look into meals on wheels for both of them. They will still feel like they have their 'independence' but will have someone that checks on them. Oh and if they don't use the total 28 hours a week (and that is for each of them so would be 56 hours a week, or up to 9 hours a day, lol) they 'accumulate' in their 'file' so that should there be a hospital stay or a procedure they will have 'hours' that can be used for someone being there 24/7 for a bit. And the 'individual' agencies that are 'approved' by Medicare have agreed to accept whatever Medicare pays them, and not bill the client for the balance.

You my friend, are suffering BURNOUT. I know, I had my own 'private home health care business for years. And the hospice here, rotates their nurses that after 6 months in the field, they come and work in the office for 6 months, then back out, etc. Same thing with the nurses and CNA's that work in their residental home. 6 months in the home, then 6 months in the office.

By doing the above you will be able to eliminate some of the 'necessary' trips and go when you feel like just 'visiting' with your parents. That will give you some 'me time' in which at first, I suggest you do absolutely nothing. sit or lie on the couch watching some funny program, or just SLEEP to refresh your body. You do need some 'down time' for you. And with some 'down time' here and there, you will start to feel like you are no longer operating in a fog, your brain will be much clearer which in turn will allow you to figure out more ways for some 'down time.' It can become a 'good' "Catch 22"!

We are here for you! And we do care!!!

Love and hugs,

SoloJohn

All I can say is that coming to this sight has been the most encouraging outpouring of support and understanding that I have ever experienced. To interact with like-minded individuals, is well, overwhelming. I have been dealing with all of this alone for so long, I know I'm burned out (or insane, LOL). You indeed are "friends", in the most profound way.

dandylion

Hey, Solo---it is so good to have you on board! Whether you know it, or, not---you are helping others who learn from your story and experience.

Plus, it is good to have some DUDES around. (in my opinion).

dandylion

SoloJohn

Ok, the latest happenings: My wife called me 3 times today, I finally picked up the 3rd time this evening. She was mainly calling about some info about my parents. Of course the conversation turned to our situation. I tried to reason with her that she needed to seek help, and that moving away was not going to change the problem. But she is convinced that getting away, and making a new start on her own will be the solution. Well, ok, I hope your right. She said that she was going to start attending AA, and even attend religious services, as she popped a beer. Jeez, what do you do? Anyway, I shared some info about what happens when one spouse is an alcoholic, and how it affects the marriage in general. I guess it fell on deaf ears. Just no reasoning.

I really appreciate the line of thought that, if you met this person, and you knew about their habits and personality, would you befriend them? That really is food for thought.

I realize now more about this co-dependency thing, and that is what I need to be concentrating on. I don't feel really any worse for talking to her, since I was able to share that she needs to seek real help, and I told her I would be glad to help her get that help, but of course, she has to do it on her own. Well I hope she does. I guess we'll see.

BlueSkies1

SoloJohn,
She may be learning a small lesson right now. That lesson that says--wherever you go, there you are. As in you can't run away from yourself.
If I was that deep in substance abuse I would probably try changing locations too. Try anything because the horror that I was the cause, all by myself, would be a hard thing to accept. (I don't abuse substances btw!) Just imagining what kind of depths I would have to go to to finally understand that changing exterior things, doesn't change who I am.
Seems that is where she is at, and that means she is a long way mentally from accepting what she has become. How long will it take her timewise to accept? Who knows...tomorrow...or possibly never.
That's why we focus on how to help you here, not her. That part is up to her.

I agree with others you are being quite the hero to everyone...are you taking care of your emotional needs? You deserve the kindness from yourself too, you know.

laurie6781

(((((SoloJohn)))))

I can give you one example of a timeline, MINE, lol

In early Jan of '79 I was told by my parents and family that they were going NC and they meant it. So I moved 3,000 miles, from Florida to California. IT took me another 2 1/'2 years to find recovery and the last 1 1/2 years was living on the streets of Hollyweird.

Some take longer, some take less, and some never find recovery.

So this is why we on her show how we work on ourselves, because in reality that is the only person we can change and fix.

I am really glad you found us!!!!!!

Hang in there, it (your life) will get better!

Love and hugs,

SoloJohn

I'm really glad I found you too!!!! I'm feeling a bit better, day by day. I am trying to take care of myself as best I can. I will stress to everyone in similar circumstances, as hard as it is, the 'no contact' rule is the best way of helping yourself, and to concentrate just on the facts. Every time I start going down that road of what-ifs, I just think of the track record so far. Really helps my mental outlook. No talk: let's see the proof.

SoloJohn

Why is it the mornings are so hard to deal with? I want so bad to contact her this morning, but I know I can't, well, shouldn't. Every time I talk to her it sends me into a tailspin. I know I've been suffering burnout for a while, and add this situation to it, I'm letting things go that I can't afford to, i.e.: work. This is my busy time of year, and I'm having a hard time even returning calls to customers, much less actually working. One day I'm a little better, then in a hole the next. I know its early in the game, but wow, this is tough!

dandylion

Dear SoloJohn, hang tight about the contact---you don't want to become another intermittent chicken! I know how it is---you manage to crawl up to the edge of the hole--and then you make contact to, hopefully dull the pain---wham! Jerked back down into the hole again. You never even get clear of the "hole" because you get jerked back so often.

Solo, bit by bit, the better times get longer and longer. Grief takes it's own time--you just have to know that it will come to an end and be willing to go through it. You can't go around it. It is about getting up and going forward every day, even though it sucks.
You are making progress, but you just can't measure it, yet. It is like the grass growing in the spring---you sit and watch it, but can't see it move. Three days later--you go out i nto the yard, and the damn stuff is three inches tall! This will happen to you as long as you keep facing forward.

About the mornings being the worst--I suspect that you m ay be a little depressed. I would be surprised if you weren't.

one day at a time.

dandylion

OhBoy

Solo, I was there for a long time with my XAW, we were together for 18 years. I remember all the chaos, confusion & exhaustion. Seems like they all fuel each other! She was boderline BPD, though i'm pretty sure now the borderline part should be removed. I remember walking into rooms wondering why the hell did I come in this room? Not focusing on work, my mind just blowing around thoughts in my head...... One thing that helped me was to just STOP! Take a minute, sit down and DO THE NEXT BEST THING. Maybe that thing was to get a glass of water, sweep the floor, mow the lawn, straighten some nails, go for a ride, maybe sit one more minute. Just try to break the swirling thoughts in my head & let them settle.

It can be tough for me to deal with her still, its only been 6 months, but it gets easier. Much easier than at first that's for sure! I am learning that I can walk away from something and leave it broken. I don't HAVE to fix it, though at times I want to REALLY REALLY bad! I realize this a lot when dealing with XAW, I still desperately want to make things better. But these are feelings. I recognize them for what they are. I am GOING to have feelings like these, I have to allow them to happen and then the choice is mine on how I deal with them. Do I act on them or let them go? It's kind of a case by case basis. I try to realize the consequences if I act on them, sometimes it is warranted, other times it is destructive to me.

For me & my XAW, I had to get out of her way. I had stopped enabling her for quite a while but she found others to take my place. Friends & family, especially MIL. Seemed like her whole focus had shifted to me being the source of all her unhappiness and reasons for why she drank. Mother would take her out drinking, hubby would not, bad husband! She actually felt abandoned by me. She couldn't understand why I couldn't help her drink. Though I doubt she saw it as helping her drink, in reality that's what it was. So I got out of her way, let her leave. I am now realizing how bad it/I/we were, something that I couldn't realize at the time. Glad your here!

SoloJohn

Yeah, I feel like I'm walking in quicksand. Work/chores, etc. feels like I'm carrying an extra 100 pounds with me. I just have to take it on faith that it will get better, because it sure looks like a very long tunnel right now. But I know it will.

OhBoy, were you a fly on the wall at my house? Somehow I'm always the bad guy, at least I always catch all the bad vibes from her friends and relatives. I keep thinking about really how bad it has been over the years, and ask myself, why the H**L am I grieving over this?? I'm not the bad guy here. I realize just how many good friends I have, how many have come out to offer me support, including you here. I really appreciate your advice OhBoy, and yes they are feelings, and unlike AW, I'm resisting hard not to follow my feelings. Likewise I'm trying hard not to make any big decisions until I'm out of the fog. I really get what you say about the borderline part, especially when alcohol is involved. I never knew what to expect when I came home. Jekell or Hyde.

Dandylion & OhBoy, thanks for these useful tips and encouragement. The first thing I do when home from work, is to come by here and check the posts, a real boost. Thanks!!!

Hammer

Maybe they meant she was (is?) "Borderline?"

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is its own diagnosis -- the name is very old school -- comes from a hard to describe condition considered the "Borderline" between Neurosis and Psychotic. Scary place to be, at any rate.

It is not uncommon, along with other Mental Illness in long-term Alcoholism and other Addictions. Some of your other and SoloJohn's descriptions sounds sort of like the condition.

Crazed

I can seriously relate. I know it is not true, but it still takes effort for me to really believe it, and is a feeling that may in part last with me forever.

And SoloJohn- mornings do suck. But they do get easier. Hang in there, I am finding that it does get a tad bit easier as time goes by. The compulsions to contact get less and less extreme. And so does the desire to choke her to death for all the pain that she has caused me over the years. Oh sorry, I thought I buried and locked that one thought deep into the subconscious.

******TO FBI INTERNET MONITORS*************
The preceding comment was just a joke, trying to make SoloJohn laugh.
*****END OF COMMENT TO FBI MONITORS*******

SoloJohn

It worked, ha, ha. I can definitely relate.

SoloJohn

Well, a month has passed since AW has taken off, with 30th wedding anniversary Monday, and I've really been struggling with this. This is a little embarrassing to relate, but I actually broke down at work today and had to leave early. WTH? It just seems worse now than before. Everybody tells me this will get better in time, but wow, time is moving a lot slower than it used to. I am a basket case, and my work load is increasing, and I can't deal with it. I appreciate the analogy of grass growing, you don't notice it, but its moving. And so each day is just that much easier. I don't know. It just doesn't feel like it. But the only choice is to keep moving. Another setback came in the mail, when the USPS notified me of her change of address the other day. I know, just part of the play, but it stinks out loud. Insanity. Just venting. Thanks for considering this.......

dandylion

Hey, John, don't feel pregnant---I have done the same thing (breakdown at work)---going to bathroom to cry, etc...... Also, anniversaries are always a B****. Just a great big ole reminder of how miserable you feel!! Try not to think about it-- as much as you can. Try to view it as just another day. Remember that thoughts determine feelings.

Is there anything that you can think of that you can do for just yourself this weekend?
I live in Virginia, also, so I do k now that it is raining cats and dogs fight now. Even so, can you go hiking or to a movie or visit someone? Buy some tomato plants. Buy yourself some new clothes? Start a 5,000 piece puzzle.

You are growing (like the grass).

dandylion

wicked

Puzzles are amazing for therapy!
I love to just sit there and search for the matching pieces.
Then Victory!

Time passes, you look up haven't had a thought of her for 30 minutes.
It starts slowly and builds momentum.
Keep moving forward.
You are doing okay.

Beth

SoloJohn

Well, today (Saturday), started out kinda down. But I came here, reviewed the 3C's, and some other comments (Crazed, you're my hero, LOL). Went and talked to a good friend, (he's got to be sick of me by now), did some shopping, mowed the grass, (yep, its growing), and just felt a lot better. The fog lifted some. I refused to let my mind go down that dark road. I might just get used to this bachelor thing Yes everyone has been right, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know there will be down times, but today was a revelation. Its got to get better from here..