How Do You Sit Next to Your STBXAH?
 

Good morning, folks!

Yep, STBXAH is coming back to town for a three day weekend. He will be flying in Friday. For our daughters' dance performance.

This is the same guy who isn't following the court-ordered pension regs. Not only can't I pay the rent, I haven't been able to pay the January dance lesson bill. I made two small payments this spring, but I still owe three quarters of the third trimester payment. I explained to the school director the situation with AH because it effects my daughter, who is 13 and dances in their pre-professional track four days a week. The director thankfully totally gets it because her stepfather was an abusive alcoholic. Nasty A's have impacted a lot of lives. She says it helps her to know because they have noticed that my daughter has changed this year. She's more serious, laughs less.

Anyway, I've been as no contact as possible, working with the lawyers to deal with the financial crisis and trying to focus on moving forward - finding work, getting my life sorted out, having fun with the children.

But I have to deal with this man from time to time. So I've ordered tickets for AH, myself and the boys. I am going to sit there with him, watch our daughters dance, and be a civilized, dignified adult.

In the meantime, some part of me is so disgusted, so repulsed, so horrified by this abusive, narcissistic man that was my husband for 18 years and who is the father of my four children. I don't want to see, hear of, think of, waste emotion on, share the same continent with him. And here I'm going to be sitting with him watching girls twirl about on the stage in pink cat costumes.

My dream is that the director invites him backstage and has him flogged by a hundred little girls in tutus for not paying the bill and then daring to show up at their show, then the curtain opens and the director welcomes audience discussion.

I wouldn't mind if they humiliated, raged at, and stoned him. I like to think that I would look on rather disinterestedly, yawn, chat with a friend, and get up before they are finished and move on to something else.

I know that from this thread I am still struggling with detachment. I don't want to waste thought and anger on this pathetic individual. I want to move on with my life. But I wouldn't mind if a little justice were served along the way.

I realize that the best thing for everyone involved is that I behave royally, enjoy the show, and don't waste another minute's thought on him. But one part of me is - AAARRRGGGHHH!

I totally get what you're saying Pippi but I bet, knowing you, you will behave with dignity for your childrens' sake. Won't you???
They'll be looking anxiously for any sign of discord between the two of you, if I remember my childhood correctly.
Love your fantasy.

Pippi, I understand, completely. I had a similar situation with my children's father--he wasn't alcoholic--but he was quite narcissistic (I divorced him). I pretty much followed your same plan when I had to be in close contact with him. I spent a lot of time biting my tongue, I can tell you. I had to remember that just about everything out of his mouth was NARCISSISTIC QUACKING!!! That helped me stay detached in front of the children. Like you, I sucked it up for the children.:gaah

I applaud you for considering the children first. I have heard others say "You have to love your children more than you "hate" your husband".


Best of luck with this.

dandylion

WHY are you sitting with him, for heaven's sake?

He may have the "right" (disgusting though it is) to attend the dance recital. And if the other kids want to sit with him because they don't see him often, that's up to them.

But I see NO reason for you to SIT NEXT TO this deadbeat creep who is making your life so difficult right now. The kids KNOW you are not one big happy family--what is the point of sitting together?

If the tickets are together, then I would ask someone to try to rearrange the seating. Trade seats with another parent or something.

My two cents.

Ditto Lexie.

We are so rooted and raised in not making other people uncomfortable that we can continue violating our own sense of safety and self even after we are no longer hostages of an A.

I would not buy him tickets. I sure as hell would not sit with him. But I've been divorced for a while already - I care less what people might think, and the kids are under no illusion that we are a happy family.

Don't beat yourself up over it - but remember, you have zero responsibility for doing ANYTHING for him.

I'm sorry you having to go through this. I went through something similar with ex who was not an A. But a habitual cheater who held money over my head to control me. He couldn't stay faithful but didn't want me to go on with anyone else. After 6 years of including him in in recitals, holidays and special occasions, I realized I was giving him his perfect life. He didn't have to commit but still got his happy family and photo ops with us. I coordinated everything. Well honey, I finally stopped. If he wanted to be involved, I let the kids invite and he was responsible for his tickets, seating and taking his own photos! And I finally broke that string between us! Very liberating. And he's learned what a mistake he made, however, I had already moved on and did not care!

Looking back, I decided to sit with him because he said to the children, "your Mom probably won't want to sit with me". My initial reaction was to say, "what's such a big deal? He doesn't have to incite any emotion in me. I'll sit with him and show all of us that I am civilized and don't care enough about him to need to sit elsewhere".

I'm naturally contrary :)

But this is where I rely on you level-headed folks. So after some reflection, I am inviting a friend to come and sit with me instead, and I will give up my original ticket. The boys can choose to sit with their father.

I think it will actually be more consistent and less confusing for the children if I leave AH to sit elsewhere.

Thanks for your support and excellent advice!

His "your Mom probably won't want to sit with me" is pure manipulation. I"m glad you're going to sit with a friend. We have to stop worrying about what other's think or say. We need to give ourselves as much consideration as we do others.

FWIW....I wouldn't have paid his ticket either. Why??? It's his daughter too. If he wants to see her dance, he can buy a ticket. It's not your responsibility to make sure he goes to her performance. I would have said "If you're interested in attending the ticket will be $XX".

And I'm all for the Director arranging the flogging. :)