MTSlideAddict

Being in a relationship with my AH seems to require a doctorate in psychology at times. I have a few college level courses just from sheer curiosity, but for some reason when he turns to drinking he believes I'm the doc. He has come to me several times in the past regarding psychological issues. Frankly I do not need to hear all of the issues, nor do I have the capacity to deal with the emotional aspect that comes with these revelations.

Last night, the storm came back in the form of sorrow. My AH called me at work (again) down and depressed. He had been drinking. He said he had to tell me something. Apparently, there was a significant childhood trauma that occurred that is honestly extremely disturbing. When he was telling me the details of this news I had only heard vaguely referenced to during one of his extremely drunk volatile rants I felt emotionless. When I got home he sat down and wanted to discuss it further. I allowed him to talk, but even with the nature of the news, I still lacked compassion and concern. He was crying, but there I sat emotionless. I felt nothing. He was asking me what he should do.

Am I that broken? Do I not even feel? Or is it that since dealing with his alcoholism for so long I have detached emotionally that compassion is just not there anymore?

I told him that I was sorry he was feeling that way, and advised him to make an appointment with a therapist. I told him the truth; I told him that I wasn’t equipped to deal with that type of situation, and that he should really see a therapist to discuss it. I do believe I handled the situation as best I could, however, I am more disturbed by the lack of emotion I exhibit. From the type of news that was shared, I would think it would be appropriate for someone to feel some sort of compassion for a person that they love.

Has anyone experienced this coldness before? I’m sure him actively drinking played toward my emotional barrier, but even today I feel blank. Do you eventually feel again?

dandylion

Dear MTslide, I think we protect ourselves by erecting barriers to prevent compassion exhaustion from overtaking us. If you were a feeling, compassionate person before, you have not lost it. Of course, you are angry at him, also. Anger serves a protective function for us.

Actually, Dr. Phil couldn't have given him a better answer--in my opinion.

Living with active alcoholism can just wear you out.

dandylion

wicked

Oh yes, I have MTSlideAddict, and it was along the same lines.
I was sober, and somehow my ex (who started drinking again 2 weeks after a 6 week inpatient) decided that was the time to start to tell me about some horrific childhood experiences.
I had to put the wall up.
I was not emotionally equipped or have a degree in psychology, so I was completely unable to help him.
Since my usual response to one of his sudden horrible memories was to feel empathy, and console him, I had to put up the wall to protect myself.
Our marriage was ending, I had given every single ounce of my strength to trying to help him, even mentioning and begging him to get professional help.

He would not do it, get professional help. I had to put up the wall. I let the children in, and I could help them, but not him. He did not want my help, he wanted me to "change back". I could not go back to where we were. The wall was a barrier against going back.

I hope this helps in some way. When you said the coldness and his disclosures getting worse, I knew the same feeling. Protect yourself. It is all you can do now.
I am sorry.

Beth

honeypig

I agree w/dandylion and wicked, you just get emotionally worn out from the roller coaster of living w/an active A. The cycle of ups and downs is exhausting.

Plus, there is always an element of "is it real", or at least for me there is. I have seen my A in tears, consumed w/regrets and vowing to do better, and then less than 24 hours later, that is all out the window. I have seen him snap from that weepy state into a cold and callous one in the blink of an eye. As this happened more often, I gradually started to react less and less. It's just too damn hard.

Recently he has begun "confessing" to me the sneaky ways he would hide his drinking, hide the amount of $$ he was spending on it, etc., claiming it helped him to say these things out loud. Be that as it may, to me it felt like a slap in the face, like "look what I did and you couldn't figure it out." A few days ago, I was able to get a handle on my feelings and tell him I didn't want any more of these confessions, that if he felt he had to get that sort of thing off his chest, then his sponsor would be the most appropriate person to talk to.

So no, I don't think there is anything wrong w/you at all, and I think you did exactly right in telling him to take it up w/his therapist or other professional. As wicked said, you start to put up a wall, knowingly or not, to protect yourself.

LifeRecovery

I did not think this when it was happening to me so please don't think it is judgemental.

I thought my ex was talking to me to get it out and start healing (cause lets face it he talked about things the way I would when I was talking to a therapist).

It took me a variety of sessions to realize that there were some big differences.

One was that I have not ever talked to my therapist intoxicated.

I made a commitment to getting better and my therapist was part of that committment. My ex would drink, become emotional, talk about it (and I thought it was such a cathartic thing for him...like therapy for me).

He often could not remember what he said the next day.

What is the definition of insanity? I read your post as deciding to do it a different way and stepping off the crazy train (cause lets face it yes partners should know and support each other...but you should not be his therapist). He would probably balk if you suggested when he was sober that he should get some help.

My ex (with my help) held me as a emotional hostage this way for a long time...good for you for not stepping on the ride this time.

I think it is kind of weird that I let this happen time and time again for so long. I do not think it is weird how you reacted today.

wicked

Yes, I could no longer be the be all end all of his emotional existence.
And, the question came up for me too, like you said, is it real, or is it a lie to get my attention?!
In the end, it did not matter, it was more "look at me! look at me! look at ME!"

Do what you have to to protect yourself, he may sense you are distant, and it might ramp up. Keep up the wall of protection. Save your strength. I had to, to get out and stay out.

Beth

SolTraveler

((MT))-

I did that with both of my ex husbands. The first one was addicted to painkillers, the second was just extremely dependent and jealous. I got to the point where I could look at them and feel absolutely nothing. In both cases, they cried and begged for me to reconsider but I couldn't have cared less.

My therapist told me that they had crossed boundaries with me so many times that I stopped caring. Makes sense. It sure made it easier to leave though, I can tell you that.

At first I thought something was wrong with me - like I was broken. How could I not care about these guys that I had shared so much of my life with? But you know what? I still feel nothing. Not love, not anger, not hate.... nothing.

I don't know. For me, it has always been a signal that it was over. I am the type who holds on long past hope.

Maybe it means that you are at a turning point?

MTSlideAddict

Yes. I feel like I am walking in those shoes right now. Maybe this nothingness is my way of having strength to finally get off this coaster.