Sexual assault?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 97
I appreciate the strength and courage it took for you to ask this question. I've been carrying around a similar question for myself, for quite sometime, that I finally opened up to my therapist about.
Because of the nature and impact of the relationship I had with my AXBF, I still have trouble deciphering whether something was abuse vs healthy. My therapist asked me to remove myself from the situation, and if it was my best friend or sister asking me this question, what would I say? What advice would I offer to her?
This perspective helped me gain some clarity. And thank you for asking this question, it hit close to home for something I've been struggling with for a while.
Because of the nature and impact of the relationship I had with my AXBF, I still have trouble deciphering whether something was abuse vs healthy. My therapist asked me to remove myself from the situation, and if it was my best friend or sister asking me this question, what would I say? What advice would I offer to her?
This perspective helped me gain some clarity. And thank you for asking this question, it hit close to home for something I've been struggling with for a while.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm just wondering what possible sick pleasure can be derived from getting an orgasm using the body of someone who may or may not be aware of what's going on.
Yes, damn straight that's sexual assault.
Yes, damn straight that's sexual assault.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Crazed,
I would respectfully suggest that in the future, before you make assumptions that such acts are welcomed, you have a conversation about it.
"Honey, you looked beautiful sleeping and I was really tempted to wake you up by making love to you, but I wasn't sure how you would feel about that. Would it be OK if I did that?"
Then nobody would have any questions about it.
I, personally, have never objected to being awakened that way--at least, provided we weren't in the middle of a fight before we went to bed. Some women feel much differently about it, as you have seen. Some women may (though they may never have shared it with you) have been victimized in the past--maybe as a child. For them, whatever your good intentions, it feels like a violation.
So ASK. If you are told "No, it would bother me (or upset me) if you were to do that," then you have your answer. You do not do that to that person.
I would respectfully suggest that in the future, before you make assumptions that such acts are welcomed, you have a conversation about it.
"Honey, you looked beautiful sleeping and I was really tempted to wake you up by making love to you, but I wasn't sure how you would feel about that. Would it be OK if I did that?"
Then nobody would have any questions about it.
I, personally, have never objected to being awakened that way--at least, provided we weren't in the middle of a fight before we went to bed. Some women feel much differently about it, as you have seen. Some women may (though they may never have shared it with you) have been victimized in the past--maybe as a child. For them, whatever your good intentions, it feels like a violation.
So ASK. If you are told "No, it would bother me (or upset me) if you were to do that," then you have your answer. You do not do that to that person.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Gisele 
First off, I apologize if my post comes off to graphic or offends anyone those aren't my intentions.This has been an issue that I have questioned to myself, have goggled and even communicated with friends. I have yet to receive a definite answer of a "yes" or "no". Why? I don't know you tell me.
When I was in relationship with alcoholic boyfriend everything came on his terms including sex. QUESTION: Their have been at least four times that I can remember that he would have sex with me while I was sleeping. For example: 6am in the morning I would get waken up by him having sex without my consent. During these times I was to tired/still half asleep to respond back therefore I would let him to do his thing. Is this considered sexual assault/abuse/rape?
When I was in relationship with alcoholic boyfriend everything came on his terms including sex. QUESTION: Their have been at least four times that I can remember that he would have sex with me while I was sleeping. For example: 6am in the morning I would get waken up by him having sex without my consent. During these times I was to tired/still half asleep to respond back therefore I would let him to do his thing. Is this considered sexual assault/abuse/rape?
Legally? Thats iffy....one would say yes it is rape because you had not consented but at any which time you did not say no or stop either unless you were on medications where he clearly took advantage of the situation. ..soooooo.... both ways. Yes and no and if say you were in court for this it would depend clearly on the judge/jury/da/defense etc because in order for it to be sexual assault or rape you would have to prove you did not consent and were not made aware of your actions in order to do so.
Morally? I would say yes because you were unaware of the actions against you but this can defer from person to person as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Crazed
I am probably setting myself up for an assualt here, and should hold my tongue, but this is an impartial forum, right? Take what you want and leave the rest... So here goes-
I guess I take offense to the conclusions on this thread. So I will go out on a limb- In the past I have snuggled up with EXAG, and in early morning hours have had sex with her (she wasn't drugged, medicated, intoxicated, etc, just a normal night of sleeping). It takes work. First there is the necessity to get out of clothes (or at least partially) for 2 people. And then there is positioning. And then penetration. And then the physical act. And not to be too graphic, but there may even be cleanup. This may have happened with her back to me- without us having a conversation. She did not formally consent through declaration. And she did not NOT consent. So I am now guilty of sexual assault?
I am not saying that what he did was right or wrong. I wasn't there and can only go by the brief description that was provided. Again, your feelings are yours- you were there, we were not. I just would like to not jump to conculsions before we condemn this guy as a rapist.
With all of the things that need to take place to make sex (with penetration) successful -can someone really sleep through the whole thing and have no chance to give or deny consent?
How can we arrive at this conclusion? If she said no, or made any attempt to stop it, then I would agree. By her own admission, she didn't. If she truly slept through it all (maybe she was on Ambien, Sleep-inducing antidepressants, etc), then my attitude would be different.
And if anyone here can sleep through an entire sexual act (including penetration), please let me know how. I wake up when the refrigerator compressor goes on two rooms away from my bedroom, and would like to know your secret.
I guess I take offense to the conclusions on this thread. So I will go out on a limb- In the past I have snuggled up with EXAG, and in early morning hours have had sex with her (she wasn't drugged, medicated, intoxicated, etc, just a normal night of sleeping). It takes work. First there is the necessity to get out of clothes (or at least partially) for 2 people. And then there is positioning. And then penetration. And then the physical act. And not to be too graphic, but there may even be cleanup. This may have happened with her back to me- without us having a conversation. She did not formally consent through declaration. And she did not NOT consent. So I am now guilty of sexual assault?
I am not saying that what he did was right or wrong. I wasn't there and can only go by the brief description that was provided. Again, your feelings are yours- you were there, we were not. I just would like to not jump to conculsions before we condemn this guy as a rapist.
With all of the things that need to take place to make sex (with penetration) successful -can someone really sleep through the whole thing and have no chance to give or deny consent?
How can we arrive at this conclusion? If she said no, or made any attempt to stop it, then I would agree. By her own admission, she didn't. If she truly slept through it all (maybe she was on Ambien, Sleep-inducing antidepressants, etc), then my attitude would be different.
And if anyone here can sleep through an entire sexual act (including penetration), please let me know how. I wake up when the refrigerator compressor goes on two rooms away from my bedroom, and would like to know your secret.
I bring up the Gray are because sometimes BFs and Husbands don't beat or physically abuse to get sex. at least before, while they are asking...
they destroy our self esteem.
they emotionally destroy us.
we truly believe they will hurt us if we say no.
In absence of violence or emotional and verbal abuse before the act is done, we lie back and think of England, allow the act as a defense mechanism.
in the moment, it seems like the only way to avoid the abuse that is sure to follow if we just say no.
This is baffling for a man to understand and wrap his head around if he has any respect for women because he accepts no as no.
Many abusive husbands and BFs have learned through experience that you catch more flies with sugar than vinegar.
If we say no they flip out and yell and name call and sometimes hit or move on to force.
I highly doubt you would have done that if the girl who was in your life had said no. You most likely would have cuddled her and kissed her cheek instead. you respected her.
we don't want the bruises, we don't want to be called names. we don't want to be abused. So... sometimes, we say yes.
but it is still very wrong.
our most private possession isn't taken from us in these situations with a gun being held to our head literally, but with a proverbial knife being held to our soul.
at least that was my experience.
I have learned in time and with therapy and prayer that his wrongs were about him, his insecurities, selfishness, and downright filthy lust.
lust for power and control much more than physical.
I wonder if I will ever forgive him.
to this day he still vehemently denies ever having done a thing wrong because I said yes.
The abuse when I said no never happened.
right. and the grass is blue and the sky is green as well by the way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Never in any relationship I've been in, whether with alcoholic or non, have we (either of us) "asked for permission" to have sex. It just happens. If either is not in the mood, we say so, and it doesn't happen. No formal requests, no waivers, no proxy votes, no contracts, no notary, etc.
So I will gracefully bow out, but only after offering one suggestion: All that I respectfully ask is that you use your god given voice, and say NO if you don't want to. That would also clear up any confusion.
As an aside, I really hope this thread doesn't result in judgement or hard feelings- And I ask that you don't get the wrong impression of me. Put bluntly, the biggest turn on for me is when my partner is turned on. If she is not into it, neither am I. I would have her vouch for me- unfortunately she is in rehab and no longer speaking to me.
But I will not jump to judgement and condemn a man for sexual assult/rape without knowing all the facts.
So I will gracefully bow out, but only after offering one suggestion: All that I respectfully ask is that you use your god given voice, and say NO if you don't want to. That would also clear up any confusion.
As an aside, I really hope this thread doesn't result in judgement or hard feelings- And I ask that you don't get the wrong impression of me. Put bluntly, the biggest turn on for me is when my partner is turned on. If she is not into it, neither am I. I would have her vouch for me- unfortunately she is in rehab and no longer speaking to me.
But I will not jump to judgement and condemn a man for sexual assult/rape without knowing all the facts.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by Crazed
Never in any relationship I've been in, whether with alcoholic or non, have we (either of us) "asked for permission" to have sex. It just happens. If either is not in the mood, we say so, and it doesn't happen. No formal requests, no waivers, no proxy votes, no contracts, no notary, etc.
So I will gracefully bow out, but only after offering one suggestion: All that I respectfully ask is that you use your god given voice, and say NO if you don't want to. That would also clear up any confusion.
As an aside, I really hope this thread doesn't result in judgement or hard feelings- And I ask that you don't get the wrong impression of me. Put bluntly, the biggest turn on for me is when my partner is turned on. If she is not into it, neither am I. I would have her vouch for me- unfortunately she is in rehab and no longer speaking to me.
But I will not jump to judgement and condemn a man for sexual assult/rape without knowing all the facts.
So I will gracefully bow out, but only after offering one suggestion: All that I respectfully ask is that you use your god given voice, and say NO if you don't want to. That would also clear up any confusion.
As an aside, I really hope this thread doesn't result in judgement or hard feelings- And I ask that you don't get the wrong impression of me. Put bluntly, the biggest turn on for me is when my partner is turned on. If she is not into it, neither am I. I would have her vouch for me- unfortunately she is in rehab and no longer speaking to me.
But I will not jump to judgement and condemn a man for sexual assult/rape without knowing all the facts.
Its ok crazed I agree with you.
As I said in my post on the topic it depends but woithout saying no or stop well thats a different thing and I can understand why she got alot of maybes on this topic since we werent there or know if she brought it up to him after the fact etc.. maybe is the best answer but I totally agree its not ok to condemn someone as a rapist etc unless that was clearly the intent
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Crazed
So I will gracefully bow out, but only after offering one suggestion: All that I respectfully ask is that you use your god given voice, and say NO if you don't want to. That would also clear up any confusion.
I believe you, and many others who think saying no is always just that easy and feels the need to tell rape survivors so, may truly be great people who just doesn't understand rape and the many faces of DV and control inherent in an abusive relationship, whether it's emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. But the statement you posted just isn't always an option for those hurt by intimate partner rape or rape in general, and as a survivor, I can attest to the fact that statements like these can feel so dimissive of the pain and fear suffered.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Crazed
I am probably setting myself up for an assualt here, and should hold my tongue, but this is an impartial forum, right? Take what you want and leave the rest... So here goes-
I guess I take offense to the conclusions on this thread. So I will go out on a limb- In the past I have snuggled up with EXAG, and in early morning hours have had sex with her (she wasn't drugged, medicated, intoxicated, etc, just a normal night of sleeping). It takes work. First there is the necessity to get out of clothes (or at least partially) for 2 people. And then there is positioning. And then penetration. And then the physical act. And not to be too graphic, but there may even be cleanup. This may have happened with her back to me- without us having a conversation. She did not formally consent through declaration. And she did not NOT consent. So I am now guilty of sexual assault?
I am not saying that what he did was right or wrong. I wasn't there and can only go by the brief description that was provided. Again, your feelings are yours- you were there, we were not. I just would like to not jump to conculsions before we condemn this guy as a rapist.
With all of the things that need to take place to make sex (with penetration) successful -can someone really sleep through the whole thing and have no chance to give or deny consent?
How can we arrive at this conclusion? If she said no, or made any attempt to stop it, then I would agree. By her own admission, she didn't. If she truly slept through it all (maybe she was on Ambien, Sleep-inducing antidepressants, etc), then my attitude would be different.
And if anyone here can sleep through an entire sexual act (including penetration), please let me know how. I wake up when the refrigerator compressor goes on two rooms away from my bedroom, and would like to know your secret.
I guess I take offense to the conclusions on this thread. So I will go out on a limb- In the past I have snuggled up with EXAG, and in early morning hours have had sex with her (she wasn't drugged, medicated, intoxicated, etc, just a normal night of sleeping). It takes work. First there is the necessity to get out of clothes (or at least partially) for 2 people. And then there is positioning. And then penetration. And then the physical act. And not to be too graphic, but there may even be cleanup. This may have happened with her back to me- without us having a conversation. She did not formally consent through declaration. And she did not NOT consent. So I am now guilty of sexual assault?
I am not saying that what he did was right or wrong. I wasn't there and can only go by the brief description that was provided. Again, your feelings are yours- you were there, we were not. I just would like to not jump to conculsions before we condemn this guy as a rapist.
With all of the things that need to take place to make sex (with penetration) successful -can someone really sleep through the whole thing and have no chance to give or deny consent?
How can we arrive at this conclusion? If she said no, or made any attempt to stop it, then I would agree. By her own admission, she didn't. If she truly slept through it all (maybe she was on Ambien, Sleep-inducing antidepressants, etc), then my attitude would be different.
And if anyone here can sleep through an entire sexual act (including penetration), please let me know how. I wake up when the refrigerator compressor goes on two rooms away from my bedroom, and would like to know your secret.
I wake when a door is opened, the tap turned on, or the stairs creak... Yet through conversation with my husband, I've learned that I can happily sleep through many physical advances when I know he is in the bed with me (he works out of town so is not always necessarily sharing a bed with me), and I have conversations with him that I have no memory of when I wake up. The state of sleeping or even half-sleeping is much different than being awake.
Sure he's attempted sex/intimacy many a time when I've been asleep. But has he followed through without my consent? Has he penetrated me without making sure that I knew what was going on? Never. I've been with my husband for 13 years and we still ask for permission and/or look for signs of agreement within our sexual relations. It's important.
Our society is a joke with all its siding with the rapist bullsh*t. I hate having daughters in a society that thinks it's okay that if she didn't say no, well that's the same as consent. It's NOT. It's SO NOT!
Huh?
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 474
Originally Posted by lillamy
Crazed, I'm not directing this at you personally - it's just something that comes up over and over when ever people talk about sexual violence or violations. Like Lexie said, there's a culture of "taking" that is... Sick.
I'm appalled that anyone can even consider using another human being's body to masturbate in. That's what you do when you penetrate a person who has for whatever reason not expressely told you they want this interaction. You demean their value as a sentient being and use them simply because you have the power to.
Sometimes I think rape should be prosecuted under physical assault. Because nobody would ask a woman "well, did you make it clear to him that you did not want him slamming your face into the brick wall? I mean, how else would he know you weren't in on it? Maybe you used to like it back then?"
I was sexually violated in my marriage for years. I could not label it rape in my mind because i stopped saying no. Because my AXH would be abusive to the kids if I refused his sexual advances. It would get worse and worse and I learned that it was easier to let him violate my body for three minutes than to defend the kids for however many days he decided to punish them for me not "doing my wifely duties."
i don't recommend this survival strategy. I still can't touch my own body in the shower without nausea. I have a hard time with any kind of touch. Crowded stores where you rub shoulders with people give me panic attacks. It's a different kind of reaction than if you've been raped by a stranger, I'm told. Because you constantly feel like somehow, it was your fault and you deserved it. It screws with your mind and emotions on a level that's hell to get straight.
Sex should involve two people if two people are involved in the act. Period. If the other person only "doesn't seem to mind an awful lot" you really should slam your own face into the wall and see if you can smack some sense into it.
I'm appalled that anyone can even consider using another human being's body to masturbate in. That's what you do when you penetrate a person who has for whatever reason not expressely told you they want this interaction. You demean their value as a sentient being and use them simply because you have the power to.
Sometimes I think rape should be prosecuted under physical assault. Because nobody would ask a woman "well, did you make it clear to him that you did not want him slamming your face into the brick wall? I mean, how else would he know you weren't in on it? Maybe you used to like it back then?"
I was sexually violated in my marriage for years. I could not label it rape in my mind because i stopped saying no. Because my AXH would be abusive to the kids if I refused his sexual advances. It would get worse and worse and I learned that it was easier to let him violate my body for three minutes than to defend the kids for however many days he decided to punish them for me not "doing my wifely duties."
i don't recommend this survival strategy. I still can't touch my own body in the shower without nausea. I have a hard time with any kind of touch. Crowded stores where you rub shoulders with people give me panic attacks. It's a different kind of reaction than if you've been raped by a stranger, I'm told. Because you constantly feel like somehow, it was your fault and you deserved it. It screws with your mind and emotions on a level that's hell to get straight.
Sex should involve two people if two people are involved in the act. Period. If the other person only "doesn't seem to mind an awful lot" you really should slam your own face into the wall and see if you can smack some sense into it.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
When I told AXH no, he took want he wanted with a lot more pain and degradation than the times where I either wasn't given the option of saying no or where I just laid there not wanting it, but not wanting to be hurt or to have my (our) baby hurt or scared. Not saying no is not saying yes. And it's only as simple as you're making it when neither partner is a rapist or abuser.
I believe you, and many others who think saying no is always just that easy and feels the need to tell rape survivors so, may truly be great people who just doesn't understand rape and the many faces of DV and control inherent in an abusive relationship, whether it's emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. But the statement you posted just isn't always an option for those hurt by intimate partner rape or rape in general, and as a survivor, I can attest to the fact that statements like these can feel so dimissive of the pain and fear suffered.
I believe you, and many others who think saying no is always just that easy and feels the need to tell rape survivors so, may truly be great people who just doesn't understand rape and the many faces of DV and control inherent in an abusive relationship, whether it's emotionally, physically, or sexually abusive. But the statement you posted just isn't always an option for those hurt by intimate partner rape or rape in general, and as a survivor, I can attest to the fact that statements like these can feel so dimissive of the pain and fear suffered.
Alot of good points in this thread but since we werent there and we dont know I think we can agree to disagree for everyone. If the op feels she was violated wjo are we to tell her she wasnt though. Valid point right there . Hopefully the op gets the answer to her question somewhere its a touchy subject and I think everyone has made great responses to it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I can take Crazed's point as long as we are talking about non-alcoholic, non-abusive relationships. Once addiction has colored the relationship, as we all know, we're operating under coercive conditions. Frankly, it's a mindfu** and sex plus addiction is usually weird, disappointing, and stunted because we're sleeping with people who by definition can't do intimacy while using.
On the other hand, I really don't cotton to telling survivors how they ought to feel. This is the survivor experience, and it's really not up for debate.
On the other hand, I really don't cotton to telling survivors how they ought to feel. This is the survivor experience, and it's really not up for debate.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Florence
I can take Crazed's point as long as we are talking about non-alcoholic, non-abusive relationships. Once addiction has colored the relationship, as we all know, we're operating under coercive conditions. Frankly, it's a mindfu** and sex plus addiction is usually weird, disappointing, and stunted because we're sleeping with people who by definition can't do intimacy while using.
On the other hand, I really don't cotton to telling survivors how they ought to feel. This is the survivor experience, and it's really not up for debate.
On the other hand, I really don't cotton to telling survivors how they ought to feel. This is the survivor experience, and it's really not up for debate.
it is all about motives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
If you feel traumatized, assaulted, or even just 'icky,' it doesn't matter if a legal determination of rape or assault is made. You've got some emotional trauma, and i'd encourage you to seek counselling.
In a healthy relationship, w/great physical and verbal communication between partners, there would be no doubts. Alcoholism puts doubt into just about everything, and it can be crazymaking.
I'd suggest you listen to yourself...if it felt traumatic, accept your feelings and seek some help. Good luck to you!
In a healthy relationship, w/great physical and verbal communication between partners, there would be no doubts. Alcoholism puts doubt into just about everything, and it can be crazymaking.
I'd suggest you listen to yourself...if it felt traumatic, accept your feelings and seek some help. Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
but since we werent there and we dont know I think we can agree to disagree for everyone.
And my post was made, not only for the OP who was confused about whether what felt inappropriate was in fact inappropriate, but also for any other SR members or readers who are faced with the same question. I hope that it helps to offset the mentality of victim blame behind comments like, 'but she didn't say no,' 'but she didn't fight hard enough,' 'but she knew her attacker,' 'but she wore a slinky red dress' ' but she....' 'why didn't she come forward before...' all of which effectively tell victims they should have done something different and then they wouldn't have been raped, assaulted, hurt. Those statements make it the victims fault for what happened, rather than placing the blame where it should be: with the attacker.
Please, ANY ONE who is struggling with defining sex that felt inappropriate or degrading or hurtful to you, please don't listen to the voices telling you if you'd only_____, whether they're from people you're seeking support from or your own self-doubts. If its sex where there was mutual consent, there are no questions. If you feel hurt or traumatized, please feel free to seek support. You are worth it, you deserve it.
Aphrodite Wounded: Survivor Support & Educational Resources for Marital and Partner Rape - Intimate partner rape and sexual violence
Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room Pandora's Aquarium - Rape, sexual assault, child sexual assault, DV
RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network | RAINN: The nation's largest anti-sexual assault organization.One of - Rape, sexual assault, child sexual assault
1in6 - Male victims of childhood sexual assault
And while I'm sharing site information, for DV support:
Emotional Psychological Abuse-Power-Control-Domestic Violence-Bullying - Emotional and psychological abuse
Violence Unsilenced - DV and SA abuse survivors speak out. If you're having a hard time naming what happened to you, odds are there are stories just like yours here.
National Domestic Violence Hotline - National Domestic Violence Hotline
Please be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with what happened and seek to heal. Sending love and peace and wishes for continued strength to all survivors.
Michelle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 18
Gisele, I am glad you can find some peace with what happened to you. It was rape, because you did not consent, but the process of reporting and attempting a conviction often piles hurt upon hurt and is not something I would advise anyone to do unless they wanted to.
It's not difficult to ascertain consent. The grey areas are for lawyers and rapists. If in doubt, don't. Have the conversation about sleepy sexy beforehand, but be aware that you may end up raping your partner if they do not want to have you penetrate them at that time. Because consent can be withdrawn at any time.
It is not complicated. Enthusiastic consent at all times. A lack of "No" does not mean consent is given and a "Yes" does not mean consent if it is coerced.
It's not difficult to ascertain consent. The grey areas are for lawyers and rapists. If in doubt, don't. Have the conversation about sleepy sexy beforehand, but be aware that you may end up raping your partner if they do not want to have you penetrate them at that time. Because consent can be withdrawn at any time.
It is not complicated. Enthusiastic consent at all times. A lack of "No" does not mean consent is given and a "Yes" does not mean consent if it is coerced.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
I am sorry that this happened to you. Any kind of sexual violation is a terrible thing to go through. Assuming these acts occurred in California, a clear reading of California Penal Code section 261 appears to support the contention that a rape did occur, at least initially, from your perspective. The ability to prove this, beyond a reasonable doubt, is a different story:
"(a)Rape is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a person not the spouse of the perpetrator, under any of the following circumstances:
...
(2)Where it is accomplished against a person's will by means of force, violence, duress, menace, or fear of immediate and unlawful bodily injury on the person or another.
...
(4)Where a person is at the time unconscious of the nature of the act, and this is known to the accused. As used in this paragraph, "unconscious of the nature of the act" means incapable of resisting because the victim meets one of the following conditions:
(A)Was unconscious or asleep.
(B)Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant that the act occurred...."
Admittedly, there is a lot going on in this section of code. Notice that specific consent is not a component of this crime in California. Rather, the victim has the burden of showing he/she resisted the act but the perpetrator continued with sexual intercourse.
Yes you were asleep initially, but upon waking you were capable of resisting but chose not to. A defense lawyer will key in on this to establish reasonable doubt with a jury, potentially making the prosecution's case about as effective as punching water, unless you can prove you were in fear of immediate bodily injury.
Of course, there is the perspective of the "perpetrator" which would also come into play. If, for instance, he attempted to wake you up in some way and he perceived that you were awake (opened your eyes, moved your body, made sounds, etc.), in the absence of resistance a conviction would be very difficult.
There are undoubtedly many pages of higher court interpretations of the code that would come into play, but the plain text indicates at least to me that a prosecution would be difficult under the circumstances.
Still, if you are struggling emotionally with what happened I would echo the suggestions of other posters and advise you to seek therapy and support to deal with this. Best wishes!
"(a)Rape is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a person not the spouse of the perpetrator, under any of the following circumstances:
...
(2)Where it is accomplished against a person's will by means of force, violence, duress, menace, or fear of immediate and unlawful bodily injury on the person or another.
...
(4)Where a person is at the time unconscious of the nature of the act, and this is known to the accused. As used in this paragraph, "unconscious of the nature of the act" means incapable of resisting because the victim meets one of the following conditions:
(A)Was unconscious or asleep.
(B)Was not aware, knowing, perceiving, or cognizant that the act occurred...."
Admittedly, there is a lot going on in this section of code. Notice that specific consent is not a component of this crime in California. Rather, the victim has the burden of showing he/she resisted the act but the perpetrator continued with sexual intercourse.
Yes you were asleep initially, but upon waking you were capable of resisting but chose not to. A defense lawyer will key in on this to establish reasonable doubt with a jury, potentially making the prosecution's case about as effective as punching water, unless you can prove you were in fear of immediate bodily injury.
Of course, there is the perspective of the "perpetrator" which would also come into play. If, for instance, he attempted to wake you up in some way and he perceived that you were awake (opened your eyes, moved your body, made sounds, etc.), in the absence of resistance a conviction would be very difficult.
There are undoubtedly many pages of higher court interpretations of the code that would come into play, but the plain text indicates at least to me that a prosecution would be difficult under the circumstances.
Still, if you are struggling emotionally with what happened I would echo the suggestions of other posters and advise you to seek therapy and support to deal with this. Best wishes!
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