Fairness/slightly OT
 

A friend suggested to me today that maybe my Xabf has not been in touch because he has met someone else. That really hurt.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the unfairness. I've been told I'm attractive, funny, good company but I'm still single. Everyone I know is coupling up. I just can't seem to meet anyone. I've joined a camera club, other social clubs, online dating but still single.

I'm not money oriented or focused on what they do for a living. I supported a broke guy with no job for a few years! I just want the opportunity to meet someone normal, feel that spark with someone.

Why should my x meet someone after all the pain he put me through and I remain alone. If just doesn't seem fair.

Sorry, I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. Just having a bad night..

The bad news is you wont find anyone really "normal".

The good news is you seem very nice and will find likewise one day.:05:

Well, first of all, you are going on about the unfairness of his being with someone else, when you don't even know that that is the case. Right? Wasn't this just a speculation from somebody?

Second, the fact that you are not with someone at the moment has absolutely NO predictive value in terms of the likelihood you will meet someone with whom you want to share your life.

Third, there are some big-time advantages to being single that you should not overlook, either. You are free to do what you want, when you want it. My friends who stayed single go on fantastic vacations that their colleagues with families cannot afford. I'm not suggesting one is "better" than the other, just that usually there's a bit of envy on both sides of the marriage divide.

My suggestion is that you work on building a fantastic, interesting, fulfilling life for yourself. Happy, interested, engaged people (I'm not talking romantic engagement--I'm talking about being engaged in life) ultimately attract friends and partners who admire those qualities.

Yes. You are right - it's ridiculous. And I know deep down someone else who is seeing him will just have to deal with the drinking but its my worst fear. I am working on being happy on my own. Sometimes I really feel it, other times, like tonight, I'm weary of it.

((Hugs)). You will meet someone. Work on yourself first though so you do not pick up another one with massive problems....

Your WORST fear? That he will meet someone else and (God forbid) be happy?

What he does--whether he is with someone or is happy or not--has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOUR ability to be happy. His being happy doesn't somehow deplete the amount of happiness available to YOU. That's math that doesn't add up.

There is plenty of "happy" to go around. I hope you will start going for YOUR happiness.

One thing that is stressed in AA (because it's literally a matter of life and death for us) is equally important to people recovering from relationships with alcoholics. Resentments are bad news. Resentments are like drinking poison hoping that the other person will die. When you can let go of resentment about whether he's happy or not, or what he may be doing, you will lighten your own load considerably. Seems to me that life gives us enough baggage to lug around without carrying someone else's.

Anon12 - I can really strongly relate to how you feel. There's a sense of injustice about being with an A for ages, supporting them when they need it most, always being there, never getting anything in return and one day - when they feel better - they decide they don't want you anymore - and quite possibly move onto someone else. It's a massive kick in the guts, and shows a lack of loyalty.

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom for you. But - I do know that at the end of the day, even if I don't want to believe or feel it, I'm better off alone than being with someone who treats me like that. I deserve better, and so do you.

They say that success is the best revenge. Not that you should inherently be seeking 'revenge', but being happy, content and not relying on someone else to be your source of self esteem is going to reap dividends. And being happy, positive and assured in your own skin will mean that you attract similar people!

Yes, Kasie, that's exactly it. Thanks for understanding. When I'm logical and rational, I see that I need to focus on me. The last I heard he was still drinking so he's not likely to have moved on in a positive sense but that just makes me sad so I'm going to try and focus on me.

i understand that PING in your heart and feelings...but it would have not worked out in the long run anyhow..

now that your AWARE of what you dont want...start focusing on you and what you do want...

ur slowly grieving and putting things together...its all normal...