The Irony
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
The Irony
I was thinking today (ok, obsessing)....
From day one with my EXAG, I always loved the chemistry, attraction and excitement our relationship brought. I wanted her, but never thought anything long term *could* ever come out of it. For a few years we dated, and I kept my distance from her very young children. Maybe it was an excuse, but I always used the fact that I was not ready to get married, and I thought that getting close to young kids (3 and 5) without a plan for a future together would be selfish and could be damaging to the kids. I also used the fact that I don't deal well with break ups, and I will only get married once in my life. Hence, marriage for me will not be a "gamble."
And here I sit, 13 years later, even though we didn't get married, I am feeling like I have been going through an agonizing divorce for months. I guess the only real difference is I get to keep my 401k.
The irony....
From day one with my EXAG, I always loved the chemistry, attraction and excitement our relationship brought. I wanted her, but never thought anything long term *could* ever come out of it. For a few years we dated, and I kept my distance from her very young children. Maybe it was an excuse, but I always used the fact that I was not ready to get married, and I thought that getting close to young kids (3 and 5) without a plan for a future together would be selfish and could be damaging to the kids. I also used the fact that I don't deal well with break ups, and I will only get married once in my life. Hence, marriage for me will not be a "gamble."
And here I sit, 13 years later, even though we didn't get married, I am feeling like I have been going through an agonizing divorce for months. I guess the only real difference is I get to keep my 401k.
The irony....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think it was Johnny Carson who said instead of getting married again, he was just going to find a woman he hated and buy her a house.
Hey, at least you have your 401k!
My last relationship was very "marriage-like" in many ways, but if I had been legally obligated to give him anything more than his share of the winery property we owned together, I would have puked.
Hey, at least you have your 401k!
My last relationship was very "marriage-like" in many ways, but if I had been legally obligated to give him anything more than his share of the winery property we owned together, I would have puked.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
crazed
somehow, be thankful you get to keep your 401K. right now this probably doesn't seem like such a great thing to you but it is. had my relationship lasted i would have been under the bus financially before it was all said and done--guaranteed. i've never been one to focus on money other than having goals i want to reach(he was terrible, terrible, terrible with money and said so alllllllll the time)and making sure the bills are paid, etc...BUT BUT BUT...how bad would we feel right now if that had happened, also?????? this situation has been worse than divorce the way my heart feels at times. i know you feel this way, too. the only thing i can hang on to is what my brain says which is "girl, it could have been so, so much worse" and then i have to stop. you gave 13 years of your life to her/children--but you still have years of life to live. please remember it. i keep telling myself whatever i need to just to breathe and keep moving. if you can, reach down as deep as you can and find the piece of you which won't allow another human with addiction to take your future away from you. it will be a different future than either of us thought or planned or even how we feel right now. thing is: it will be BETTER. none of the nonsense we have experienced with them.
letting go of the "good" times or the beginning or the things that seemed hopeful is the hardest. the train wreck is real. and there is always one or more train wrecks with them. for me...my heart can't do this again. once is enough. what i learn here and now is going to stick. come hell or high water.
be strong!
somehow, be thankful you get to keep your 401K. right now this probably doesn't seem like such a great thing to you but it is. had my relationship lasted i would have been under the bus financially before it was all said and done--guaranteed. i've never been one to focus on money other than having goals i want to reach(he was terrible, terrible, terrible with money and said so alllllllll the time)and making sure the bills are paid, etc...BUT BUT BUT...how bad would we feel right now if that had happened, also?????? this situation has been worse than divorce the way my heart feels at times. i know you feel this way, too. the only thing i can hang on to is what my brain says which is "girl, it could have been so, so much worse" and then i have to stop. you gave 13 years of your life to her/children--but you still have years of life to live. please remember it. i keep telling myself whatever i need to just to breathe and keep moving. if you can, reach down as deep as you can and find the piece of you which won't allow another human with addiction to take your future away from you. it will be a different future than either of us thought or planned or even how we feel right now. thing is: it will be BETTER. none of the nonsense we have experienced with them.
letting go of the "good" times or the beginning or the things that seemed hopeful is the hardest. the train wreck is real. and there is always one or more train wrecks with them. for me...my heart can't do this again. once is enough. what i learn here and now is going to stick. come hell or high water.
be strong!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Thanks Peacedove. Very well put.
And Lexie- It is sometimes easy to mask pain with humor-
I just flew in, an BOY are my arms tired! Remember to tip your wait staff! I'll be here all week. And Try the Veal!
And Lexie- It is sometimes easy to mask pain with humor-
I just flew in, an BOY are my arms tired! Remember to tip your wait staff! I'll be here all week. And Try the Veal!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
*rimshot*
I know it sometimes feels like we are MASKING the pain with humor, but if I can crack a joke or make someone else smile, or if someone makes me laugh, I feel BETTER, dammit. Heck, you've let it ALL hang out with us. You don't NEED to mask anything with us. So I'm betting you felt a teensy bit better with the Henny Youngman routine up there.
And feeling better, even for a few minutes, is a nice thing.
I know it sometimes feels like we are MASKING the pain with humor, but if I can crack a joke or make someone else smile, or if someone makes me laugh, I feel BETTER, dammit. Heck, you've let it ALL hang out with us. You don't NEED to mask anything with us. So I'm betting you felt a teensy bit better with the Henny Youngman routine up there.
And feeling better, even for a few minutes, is a nice thing.
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