calblondie

Hi all,

Well I'm back here again - and have been lurking for a few days trying to figure out my options. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic man for over 3 years. We have lived together for 2 of those years, both have 1 son each from previous marriages. I am 40 and he is 32. He got sober and began attending AA back in October 2012. We were so amazingly happy for the first 5 months. He was going to AA regularly, I was attending Alanon, and things were improving in our relationship. After 5 months sober, he relapsed. And then he didn't go back to AA but stopped drinking. And then he relapsed again, called me wicked names in a blacked out state, woke up the next morning and apologized and promised to get back in his program. To my knowledge, this was all talk. He hasn't been to AA since March.

The most recent relapse occurred on Wednesday night, when he didn't come home after a basketball league game that he participates in. He claimed that he was out to get dinner with his teammates, but he didn't end up coming home at all. He hasn't come home since then, although we have had a few conversations via text where he has promised to go back to program. But he hasn't actually followed through on that promise as far as I can tell.

I do want to talk to him face to face, but you know how convincing those As can be! I wish we could just go back to when he was sober - things really did seem great. Sure, he was a little moody but at least he was home and wasn't drinking.

So now I have to decide if I am going to kick him out (again). When I kicked him out back in October, it took him about a month of AA meetings and sober living before he came knocking on my door again. He promised me that things would be different and that he never wanted to drink again. Why did I let him come back again?

I guess I am here to vent - I know what I need to do. My bottom line is that he has to be sober in order for us to be together. And he hasn't been sober for two months, so it is time to close the door again.

Thanks for listening SR friends!
Karin

firebolt

Sending you strength and understanding. That's all I got. OH, and (((HUGS!)))

calblondie

firebolt - thanks for your post and the hugs! It is so very clear to me where I need to go with this...now it's just up to me to follow through!

Karin

LexieCat

Sorry you're dealing with this, Karin.

When you kick him out this time, if you are inclined to give him any more chances I strongly recommend at least a YEAR of solid sobriety before you let him move back in. That's a year as in, no five months and only a few days of drinking, followed by seven months. A WHOLE year.

I'm glad you are sticking with your boundaries.

NYCDoglvr

Sounds too familiar. As a codependent, denial and rationalization are the two big hurdles I had to contend with before leaving. That, and accepting that there was no way I could affect his drinking, nothing I could do or say. This led to recovery where I saw my own part in the disastrous relationship: I picked him and I chose to stay. I recommend Alanon which was a lifesaver for me.

AnvilheadII

i'd suggest there's more here than JUST a drinking problem. there's also a lack of commitment, either to you or HIS CHILD. does his son live with you, thus meaning when he takes off and just doesn't come home he has flat out abandoned his child???

one word in your post that repeats is AGAIN...kick him out AGAIN, he's drinking AGAIN, he mouths the words about getting with the program AGAIN. he continues to return to his "comfort" zone....and checks out on real life, AGAIN.

you two are not married. it's "only" been three years and you now have a pattern of behaviors to observe. is it healthy for YOUR son to have this guy zipping in and out the revolving door? what does that teach him? are YOU not worth more? steady unbroken loyalty, consistency, truth and security?

calblondie

Thanks everyone for your continued support. It means a lot to come here and be able to objectively look at what is going on in my relationship.

Anvil - I think that both he and I have slipped back into our comfortable patterns. I am codependent (clearly) and he is an alcoholic and has a gambling problem. I have a difficult time sticking by my boundaries. But your responses and all the great advice really does help me a lot.

Karin

Programmatic

I can practically assure you that when he made that promise that he believed it a million times more strongly than you.
The succeeding question is an important one and deserves a good deal of introspection. I would suggest that you have a need or needs that you feel are met by having him that involved in your life.

My experience is that the large majority of my needs cannot be met by another human being. There are exceptions but as an independent adult they are relatively few.

I, too, have established a boundary that I will not live in the same house with someone not practicing a sober lifestyle. The difference between my boundary and yours is that I know what I need and how to provide it for myself and it doesn't require anyone else to do or to not do anything.

That clarity took some time to develop and my boundary was initially stated much in the same manner as yours so I would say, based on my experiences, that it is a good start.

atalose

[QUOTEMy bottom line is that he has to be sober in order for us to be together.][/QUOTE]

I hope this go around you allow way more then 30 days of AA meetings before you allow him to stroll back through your door.

It's very true, we do teach people how to treat us. He knows that all he has to do is show a dedication to AA for a short period of time and you take him back over and over again.

He clearly is NOT committed to you or your relationship or his recovery.......nothing changes if nothing changes. Doesn't look like he's going to be the one doing any changes so that leaves YOU.........

calblondie

Programmatic - I appreciate your honest advice.

I believe you are right - there is some need that he is fulfilling and I am afraid to not have him around. I have always been very independent when it comes to my work; I am very successful, manage million dollar projects, multiple individuals, etc... But when it comes to my personal life, I have a hard time being alone. Or I guess what I have a difficult time with is not having a "partner". So, at the end of the day, I guess I compromise my own standards and boundaries because I am worried about being alone.

So silly, but I guess that is what it boils down to. I can identify similar behaviors throughout my entire adult life - I have always had relationships with the "fixer uppers"...those that have a lot of potential. And then I end up falling in love and/or getting attached and dealing with a lot of baggage.

This is my first relationship with an alcoholic, and although Alanon has helped tremendously I have continued to get sucked back in because I have taken his promises at face value. I trust too much, and I trust the wrong people.

I do believe that he has good intentions, but his disease continue to get in the way of carrying them out.

Karin

calblondie

atalose - Yes, I think sticking by the year of sobriety prior to engaging in a relationship is the right thing to do. And I have trained him that I will continually take him back "no matter what". This is tough because I have a tough time understanding the difference between unconditional love and not sticking by my boundaries.

I do love him - but he continues to hurt me and others around him. Time to draw the line.

dandylion

Dear calblondie, it is soo important to understand that what might work very nicely in a "normal", non-alcoholic marriage does not work the same way with an active alcoholic.

An active alcoholic cannot make any promise to anyone--not even himself. The disease distorts reality and takes over if the person is not working a strong program of sobriety. He might believe it at the time--but, does not have the ability to abide by it--the disease is too powerful.

Lexiecat is correct, but I would add even more. Just not drinking is "dry" but a long way from SOBER!! The disease is still present and working inside their mind. Even going to some AA meetings--while a good first step--but does not constitute genuine sobriety--the kind that changes thinking;which changes attitudes;which then, translates into changed actions. He will need to work a diligent and honest program--AA meetings, working with a sponsor--working ALL the 12-steps of AA. This takes dedicated work and committment. If he is not willing to do this on his own--then he is not ready for true sobriety and certainly cannot become committed to the welfare of his family.

I would say a MINIMUM of working a strong program for a year and uninterrupted sobriety would be the barest minimum for reconsidering his role in your life. LOVING him is not enough--sadly. Most everyone in alanon loved their significant others!!

It is up to you to decide what kind of life you want for you and your son. Actually, your son should be the first consideration--as I am sure that you as a mother would agree.

Straight talk can sound very blunt, I know. But, I feel that you deserve to know what you are up against.

You can do this.

dandylion

calblondie

Dandylion - Thanks for your direct but kind words. You are absolutely correct that my son is the very first consideration, and I am completely being selfish in thinking that that things are going to change. This hurts and is going to be a very tough transition for me. I am there in my head, but just have to get all the way there...I am used to being the "nice girl" and giving in, so standing up to my ABF is a really tough thing to do. Those As are good salespeople! But in all reality, I have been at this point in my relationship over and over again...nothing has really changed, therefore I MUST change.

Karin

atalose

You need to have that "unconditional love" for your self first!!!!!

If you work on that, then all of what he says and does will no longer be acceptable behavior to you.

calblondie

Yes! So true...

calblondie

Interestingly enough, my ABF called me last night (he has been away from the house since Monday afternoon) and told me that he needs to move out and focus on his sobriety. He apologized that he was dragging me along with him. I feel fortunate that he was clear-headed enough to see this, but now I have my ground to hold on conditions of him moving back in.

I am drafting these now, so any input is graciously accepted. Of course, the first on the list is sober and working a program for at least 1 year.

Thanks for listening,

Karin