Advice and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Advice and support
Hello....
My boyfriend/best friend is an alcoholic. He is currently 64 days sober.
On one hand I am genuinely happy for him because he finally decided on his own that he needed to get his life and act together. On the other I am very torn because he just told me that he has gone through some earth shaking changes during those 64 days, he can "see" clearly, and that with this process that he is going through I will never understand it. He then told me, he is not in love with me that he actually couldn't understand this feeling in the past.
Of course it hurts because we have been through so much for these last four years. Is this something normal? Is this something that is part of the recovery process? Is letting go of people part of the package? I have always been VERY supportive, not an enabler...very aware of that! However, I am having a hard time understanding the process of "he was in love" to "i am not in love" changed n 60 days. Maybe he was not in love? How does your emotions, feelings, thought change during the process of sobriety? Anybody has articles?! I am aware of the physical changes, but not mental.
One thing to point out he is an emotional alcoholic. He used to drink to avoid dealing with his emotions, struggles, and anxiety. He didn't do it on a weekly basis, but for the past 10 years, he has been drinking to avoid dealing with his life struggles...so I am aware he has some catching up to do, maturity wise.
Yes, I know I will never understand this process because I am not an alcoholic. However, I do understand that because of the alcohol he has been blurred all of his life and e doesn't have the tools to cope with anxiety and stress and that he will change his way of living, motivations, thinking, and seeing the world that surrounds him. I get that he has a daily struggle that is exhausting. I get that his focus is his life and he needs to focus on that. After all, if he doesn't love himself, he really can't love me.
It just sucks because in a way I know I need to let go, but selfishly don't want to. I love him. It sucks because He says he has feelings for me, but he can't love me the same way I do. I am very passionate and show my emotions with no fear, he is more of a reserved person. It sucks because I know what it needs to happen, but the flame of hope always stands and I am afraid I won't be able to move forward. This has happened in the past once. He tried recovery, but mainly because of his family's wishes... that is actually what it didn't work in the first place. He then pushed me away, we didn't talk for a while, but then he realize he wanted me in his life and that he missed me too much. He then continued to drink after some time.
I guess I need and want advice. I am cutting all source of communication with him because even though it is EXTREMELY painful, I need to cut any vicious cycle and focus on me. I need advice from a recovered alcoholic or someone that has been trough this. I need support. I need to realize that if I truly love him, I need to let him figure out his own recovery on his own. I want to be able to have a balance between hope and reality. I want to eventually be friends because after all he is an important part of my life and I am who I am thanks to him and all the learning experiences we have gone through, individually and together.
Any suggestions are welcomed.
My boyfriend/best friend is an alcoholic. He is currently 64 days sober.
On one hand I am genuinely happy for him because he finally decided on his own that he needed to get his life and act together. On the other I am very torn because he just told me that he has gone through some earth shaking changes during those 64 days, he can "see" clearly, and that with this process that he is going through I will never understand it. He then told me, he is not in love with me that he actually couldn't understand this feeling in the past.
Of course it hurts because we have been through so much for these last four years. Is this something normal? Is this something that is part of the recovery process? Is letting go of people part of the package? I have always been VERY supportive, not an enabler...very aware of that! However, I am having a hard time understanding the process of "he was in love" to "i am not in love" changed n 60 days. Maybe he was not in love? How does your emotions, feelings, thought change during the process of sobriety? Anybody has articles?! I am aware of the physical changes, but not mental.
One thing to point out he is an emotional alcoholic. He used to drink to avoid dealing with his emotions, struggles, and anxiety. He didn't do it on a weekly basis, but for the past 10 years, he has been drinking to avoid dealing with his life struggles...so I am aware he has some catching up to do, maturity wise.
Yes, I know I will never understand this process because I am not an alcoholic. However, I do understand that because of the alcohol he has been blurred all of his life and e doesn't have the tools to cope with anxiety and stress and that he will change his way of living, motivations, thinking, and seeing the world that surrounds him. I get that he has a daily struggle that is exhausting. I get that his focus is his life and he needs to focus on that. After all, if he doesn't love himself, he really can't love me.
It just sucks because in a way I know I need to let go, but selfishly don't want to. I love him. It sucks because He says he has feelings for me, but he can't love me the same way I do. I am very passionate and show my emotions with no fear, he is more of a reserved person. It sucks because I know what it needs to happen, but the flame of hope always stands and I am afraid I won't be able to move forward. This has happened in the past once. He tried recovery, but mainly because of his family's wishes... that is actually what it didn't work in the first place. He then pushed me away, we didn't talk for a while, but then he realize he wanted me in his life and that he missed me too much. He then continued to drink after some time.
I guess I need and want advice. I am cutting all source of communication with him because even though it is EXTREMELY painful, I need to cut any vicious cycle and focus on me. I need advice from a recovered alcoholic or someone that has been trough this. I need support. I need to realize that if I truly love him, I need to let him figure out his own recovery on his own. I want to be able to have a balance between hope and reality. I want to eventually be friends because after all he is an important part of my life and I am who I am thanks to him and all the learning experiences we have gone through, individually and together.
Any suggestions are welcomed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Is this something normal? Is this something that is part of the recovery process? Is letting go of people part of the package?
It just sucks because in a way I know I need to let go, but selfishly don't want to. I love him.
I am cutting all source of communication with him because even though it is EXTREMELY painful, I need to cut any vicious cycle and focus on me.
I need to realize that if I truly love him, I need to let him figure out his own recovery on his own. I want to be able to have a balance between hope and reality.
I had to let my guy go too. I hated it. And it hurt like a son of a b!tch. But it was the right thing to do. It's been a year, and I am living my life well. I have no regrets; I'd do it all over the same way again if I had the chance. But he needed to go, and it was not fair of me to hang onto the marriage simply because I didn't want it to end.
When you say "have hope", I take that to mean "have faith" in the process. Having hope that things will turn out the way you want them often clouds good judgment. Your good judgment led you to post this today.
Al-anon is a wonderful source of IRL support. Posting here is a great place for virtual support. The best way to mend a broken heart is to live through it. It will get better, I promise.
~T
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Mv6348- I can relate. My EXAG is in rehab, and although she hasn't told me she doesn't love me, she has made it clear she cannot speak with me. I am truly struggling with it (We were together 13 years). It hurts and it sucks. I want so bad to be part of her recovery, and still have this hope of us repairing our relationship and just being in love and together again.
I don't have much to offer in terms of advice. But I must say your post helped me today. Especially the part about if I truly love her, I need to let he find her own way.
Thank You.
I don't have much to offer in terms of advice. But I must say your post helped me today. Especially the part about if I truly love her, I need to let he find her own way.
Thank You.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your experience is a very common one, often shared here on SR, and it is always yet another reminder to the partner of any alcoholic that without the alcoholic's solid recovery and solid sobriety and the return of full mental health (which requires, by most measures, at minimum one year of rigorous recovery work, though I put it more at three), emotional pain is the inevitable outcome for the person who loves that alcoholic.
From a purely physiological perspective, the pleasure centers of the alcoholic's brain are absolutely distorted in addiction, the dopamine levels are in a constant state of chaos, and the alcoholic progresses to a state in which he is unable to experience any kind of pleasure in life without alcohol (and this includes the emotional pleasure of relationship).
When the alcohol is removed, the brain takes a very long time to return to a normal balance, and the dopamine levels, the stress chemicals, all are still very unstable. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic or drug addict to go through a long spell of depression during the first year of recovery as a result. In this state, it is really, in my opinion, impossible for the recovering individual to know, yet alone express, his true feelings, hopes, wishes, and to know himself or herself. And to be able to relate with genuine intimacy and empathy to another human being seems to me impossible for the newly (less than one year) recovering person because of the instability of mood and feeling.
The codependent is generally living on a different plane from the recovering alcoholic, and rarely has the long view and the necessary self-direction to step away gracefully and accept that the alcoholic simply cannot give her (or him) the love and attention and understanding so deeply longed for. In my experience, most codependents cling desperately to the recovering alcoholic (much as they did during the active drinking) and cannot let go for fear that they will lose the person forever. (This is who I was). Most codependents have a very hard time with that fear of finality. It is in the nature of codependency to want things to remain the same, now and to infinity, no matter how painful and draining the relationship has been.
You can either pursue this person who is at present living on unstable psychological ground, or you can accept that at this time, what you want you cannot have, and pull back your shoulders, take a deep breath, and figure out, given this circumstance, how you can most honorably respect yourself and your life with positive growth. The growth could come from some inner work with a counselor or in a 12 step group. It could come from a focus on a challenging project or on a deeper involvement with good friends or family. It could come from travel. If Life has removed the alcoholic from your life for today and for the near future, then you must ask, "What then, instead, does Life want me to be doing? If I am denied this relationship for now, what then is Life asking of me?" I believe there is a divine wisdom and design in all things and in the unfolding of every relationship. And when we do not get what we want, then we do best by asking of our higher power, with open hearts, what is our path and how do we find it. Then we wait for the answers. Codependents are not very good at doing that. But releasing all will to control people and situations is part of our recovery.
You are in pain and sorrow and confusion. I hope as time passes you can find peace and can believe in your heart that you are no less beautiful and worthy just because an unstable person cannot feel anything reliable and true. In recovery, we admit our powerlessness to change or direct the alcoholic or the relationship, then we make an effort to find our best selves again. When the alcoholic is no longer our higher power--determining our self-worth and our spiritual health--then we find that we are actually prepared for a mature relationship. This takes work. And time.
For now, try to be in the company of people who love you and who will sit with you until you have turned a corner. Love from others is very healing. If they are not there for you, many here find that sitting in nature every day until the pain starts to lessen makes a difference.
And as is so often repeated in recovery circles: more will be revealed.
From a purely physiological perspective, the pleasure centers of the alcoholic's brain are absolutely distorted in addiction, the dopamine levels are in a constant state of chaos, and the alcoholic progresses to a state in which he is unable to experience any kind of pleasure in life without alcohol (and this includes the emotional pleasure of relationship).
When the alcohol is removed, the brain takes a very long time to return to a normal balance, and the dopamine levels, the stress chemicals, all are still very unstable. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic or drug addict to go through a long spell of depression during the first year of recovery as a result. In this state, it is really, in my opinion, impossible for the recovering individual to know, yet alone express, his true feelings, hopes, wishes, and to know himself or herself. And to be able to relate with genuine intimacy and empathy to another human being seems to me impossible for the newly (less than one year) recovering person because of the instability of mood and feeling.
The codependent is generally living on a different plane from the recovering alcoholic, and rarely has the long view and the necessary self-direction to step away gracefully and accept that the alcoholic simply cannot give her (or him) the love and attention and understanding so deeply longed for. In my experience, most codependents cling desperately to the recovering alcoholic (much as they did during the active drinking) and cannot let go for fear that they will lose the person forever. (This is who I was). Most codependents have a very hard time with that fear of finality. It is in the nature of codependency to want things to remain the same, now and to infinity, no matter how painful and draining the relationship has been.
You can either pursue this person who is at present living on unstable psychological ground, or you can accept that at this time, what you want you cannot have, and pull back your shoulders, take a deep breath, and figure out, given this circumstance, how you can most honorably respect yourself and your life with positive growth. The growth could come from some inner work with a counselor or in a 12 step group. It could come from a focus on a challenging project or on a deeper involvement with good friends or family. It could come from travel. If Life has removed the alcoholic from your life for today and for the near future, then you must ask, "What then, instead, does Life want me to be doing? If I am denied this relationship for now, what then is Life asking of me?" I believe there is a divine wisdom and design in all things and in the unfolding of every relationship. And when we do not get what we want, then we do best by asking of our higher power, with open hearts, what is our path and how do we find it. Then we wait for the answers. Codependents are not very good at doing that. But releasing all will to control people and situations is part of our recovery.
You are in pain and sorrow and confusion. I hope as time passes you can find peace and can believe in your heart that you are no less beautiful and worthy just because an unstable person cannot feel anything reliable and true. In recovery, we admit our powerlessness to change or direct the alcoholic or the relationship, then we make an effort to find our best selves again. When the alcoholic is no longer our higher power--determining our self-worth and our spiritual health--then we find that we are actually prepared for a mature relationship. This takes work. And time.
For now, try to be in the company of people who love you and who will sit with you until you have turned a corner. Love from others is very healing. If they are not there for you, many here find that sitting in nature every day until the pain starts to lessen makes a difference.
And as is so often repeated in recovery circles: more will be revealed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I couldn't put it any better than EnglishGarden. It's very hard to judge (for us, for you, for him) whether he is truly done with the relationship, because of all those emotional/physiological upheavals right now.
But the facts as they have been presented to you are that he currently does not want to pursue the relationship. I'm glad you intend to honor that. None of us knows for sure what the future holds, so we can only move forward with the facts at hand.
Breakups are always painful. Work on your own healing and making your life the way you would like it to be.
Hugs, glad you are here.
But the facts as they have been presented to you are that he currently does not want to pursue the relationship. I'm glad you intend to honor that. None of us knows for sure what the future holds, so we can only move forward with the facts at hand.
Breakups are always painful. Work on your own healing and making your life the way you would like it to be.
Hugs, glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you, of course it's painful. The first year of getting sober is tough, with lots of emotions and mood changes. And, it's number one focus must be on sobriety.
I hope you go to Alanon for the support and help and keep posting here. There's nothing you can say or do to change the way he sees the relationship; yes, it's time to let go. Perhaps some day in the future you can resurrect the relationship but right now, he doesn't want it.
I hope you go to Alanon for the support and help and keep posting here. There's nothing you can say or do to change the way he sees the relationship; yes, it's time to let go. Perhaps some day in the future you can resurrect the relationship but right now, he doesn't want it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Tuffgirl - Thank you! Your words really spoke to me. As painful as it is, there is no love from his part. If he doesn't love himself, he really can't share it with me. I just strength! LOTS of it!
I really liked what you said about faith vs hope. I really HOPED for many things..deep inside that is what I want, but I need to trust the circumstances and have faith that we will both come out of this better human beings.
Crazed - Yes. It is hard. Let us surround ourselves with people that will give us good energy into moving forward. Letting go is hard, and I have cried every day and every night...and probably will for a while...time is our treatment...
Eglishgarden - Thank you for your words. I cried as I read them because it is true... I just have to trust. However, I am also in so much pain that my judgement is all over the place. I took a risk and I am learning through this whole process. I get frustrated that I fell in love.
LexieCat - Thanks! I am working towards it. I am trying to honor his recovery, and it is hard, because I am forgetting about mine. Facts and facts, you are right... I just have to focus on that... He is not in love and the show must go on
NYCDoglvr- One of the hardest things to experience is the battle between brain vs heart. I know what is right, but my heart gets in the way. My heart and my emotions are involved and they don't let me think straight. Ive been in three serious relationship and this one, of course, has been the hardest. Not only because of the circumstances, but mainly because all of my dreams and homes have been shattered. This doesn't mean I will get new ones because I will, but itis mainly because they ones I had created with him, are gone. That is the hardest part. Also, because it does feel like death...I've lost my best friend...I've lost the man I love.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It feels like these four years have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I need so much love and support and my friends are there, but it is also hard for them to understand because they have never loved or been with an alcoholic. I know time will be the best remedy...and I just wish him well because he deserves it....and so do I.
I really liked what you said about faith vs hope. I really HOPED for many things..deep inside that is what I want, but I need to trust the circumstances and have faith that we will both come out of this better human beings.
Crazed - Yes. It is hard. Let us surround ourselves with people that will give us good energy into moving forward. Letting go is hard, and I have cried every day and every night...and probably will for a while...time is our treatment...
Eglishgarden - Thank you for your words. I cried as I read them because it is true... I just have to trust. However, I am also in so much pain that my judgement is all over the place. I took a risk and I am learning through this whole process. I get frustrated that I fell in love.
LexieCat - Thanks! I am working towards it. I am trying to honor his recovery, and it is hard, because I am forgetting about mine. Facts and facts, you are right... I just have to focus on that... He is not in love and the show must go on
NYCDoglvr- One of the hardest things to experience is the battle between brain vs heart. I know what is right, but my heart gets in the way. My heart and my emotions are involved and they don't let me think straight. Ive been in three serious relationship and this one, of course, has been the hardest. Not only because of the circumstances, but mainly because all of my dreams and homes have been shattered. This doesn't mean I will get new ones because I will, but itis mainly because they ones I had created with him, are gone. That is the hardest part. Also, because it does feel like death...I've lost my best friend...I've lost the man I love.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. It feels like these four years have been a roller-coaster of emotions. I need so much love and support and my friends are there, but it is also hard for them to understand because they have never loved or been with an alcoholic. I know time will be the best remedy...and I just wish him well because he deserves it....and so do I.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mv6348, I recall a sensitivity poster from the past that was very popular--it was on everybody's walls:
"If you love something--Let it go. If it returns, it is yours; If it doesn't--it wasn't yours to start with"
By the way, there is a good thread on the board today that would be good you YOU to read. It is called " Don't be his chick(en)". It concerns how to conduct No Contact.
One day at a time. It won't always be like this--I promise...
dandylion
"If you love something--Let it go. If it returns, it is yours; If it doesn't--it wasn't yours to start with"
By the way, there is a good thread on the board today that would be good you YOU to read. It is called " Don't be his chick(en)". It concerns how to conduct No Contact.
One day at a time. It won't always be like this--I promise...
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Question to anybody out there....
I've decided to do my own recovery... hurts, but I know it will be ok... but I am confused... my ex he seems VERY enthusiastic and positive about his recovery. Now he has only been sober for 66 days so it is fairly new and he still has 299 days to go for the whole year so I know it will be along journey. Of course, my hopes are that he continues this enthusiastic, but is this normal? From my understanding, it seems that it is a change of moods... so I am kind of waiting for that to happen...
I am one, if not the only, person that really knows him. He just reconnected with an old friend (not alcoholic) and told her that he was an alcoholic. To be honest, BIG step from him. She really doesn't know the whole deal, so in a way it is good for him to start reconnecting with old friends...right? As in, to start fresh. He also told her that he is damn good because he recently kinda restarted his life again. Of course, I am happy to an extent... because I fought and stood there all this time and all I want for him is to get better, but then again, he pushed me out of the equation so it does kind of hurt.
I was talking to a friend and I told her that I feel kind of bad that I can't be that happy for his recovery, even though I know I am. I am just angry at the situation and she told me, don't be so hard on yourself because you stood there with a good heartfelt intention and that what matters.
I am just overwhelmed with emotions.
I've decided to do my own recovery... hurts, but I know it will be ok... but I am confused... my ex he seems VERY enthusiastic and positive about his recovery. Now he has only been sober for 66 days so it is fairly new and he still has 299 days to go for the whole year so I know it will be along journey. Of course, my hopes are that he continues this enthusiastic, but is this normal? From my understanding, it seems that it is a change of moods... so I am kind of waiting for that to happen...
I am one, if not the only, person that really knows him. He just reconnected with an old friend (not alcoholic) and told her that he was an alcoholic. To be honest, BIG step from him. She really doesn't know the whole deal, so in a way it is good for him to start reconnecting with old friends...right? As in, to start fresh. He also told her that he is damn good because he recently kinda restarted his life again. Of course, I am happy to an extent... because I fought and stood there all this time and all I want for him is to get better, but then again, he pushed me out of the equation so it does kind of hurt.
I was talking to a friend and I told her that I feel kind of bad that I can't be that happy for his recovery, even though I know I am. I am just angry at the situation and she told me, don't be so hard on yourself because you stood there with a good heartfelt intention and that what matters.
I am just overwhelmed with emotions.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 35
Mv, I fully understand what you are dealing with. My A/wife of 30yrs, moved out a few weeks ago, saying she couldn't stop if she stayed. I understand her reasoning, because of her drinking, she lost driving privileges, in turn job(s) etc, and is stuck at home, with me working trying to stay afloat. I will spare all the gory details, but it has been ugly for many years, (and very costly, hospitals, seizures, dui's, totaled cars, jail, debt....). I know I need to let go, but it is very hard to do. She has called a couple of times, yesterday at the latest, and left a message for me to return the call. I haven't . But its very hard not to. Yeah, I could use some support about now too. I understand the anger part, after all I've endured, and supported, just to walk away, well, a full range of emotions, to say the least. Not much help, I know, but you are not alone, if that is any comfort.
(Btw, not my 1st post, but couldn't sign in under old user name, been a while)
(Btw, not my 1st post, but couldn't sign in under old user name, been a while)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I would stop worrying about whether what he is doing is good for him, and concentrate on what YOU can do that is good for YOU.
You can be happy or neutral about his recovery. It doesn't affect him either way.
YOUR emotions are all over the place right now, too. There is no right or wrong way to feel--you feel what you feel. The only thing that can be dangerous to you is to hold onto resentment for too long. And if you start working your own program of recovery you won't do that.
You can be happy or neutral about his recovery. It doesn't affect him either way.
YOUR emotions are all over the place right now, too. There is no right or wrong way to feel--you feel what you feel. The only thing that can be dangerous to you is to hold onto resentment for too long. And if you start working your own program of recovery you won't do that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Mv6348,
Things are not always as they seem. It’s pretty normal in early recovery for life to seem to great and wonderful and people are enthusiastic about their recovery other wise they would be drinking again.
It’s the extremes with so many alcoholics, all or nothing…..time will tell if he keep ups his enthusiasm or not and continues to work a good program.
But enough about HIM leta talk about YOU because you are most important person right now not him or who he’s in contact with and what he is saying.
It’s probably a really good idea now to not talk with him or anyone who is giving you any information about him. Put that aside for now and work on you. Try and figure out what attracted you to stay in a relationship with someone who had to use alcohol to deal with life. What was it about YOU not him that kept you there and attached. I certainly don’t mean this in a bad or negative way but it helps to begin to answer our own why’s then focus on their why’s.
Things are not always as they seem. It’s pretty normal in early recovery for life to seem to great and wonderful and people are enthusiastic about their recovery other wise they would be drinking again.
It’s the extremes with so many alcoholics, all or nothing…..time will tell if he keep ups his enthusiasm or not and continues to work a good program.
But enough about HIM leta talk about YOU because you are most important person right now not him or who he’s in contact with and what he is saying.
It’s probably a really good idea now to not talk with him or anyone who is giving you any information about him. Put that aside for now and work on you. Try and figure out what attracted you to stay in a relationship with someone who had to use alcohol to deal with life. What was it about YOU not him that kept you there and attached. I certainly don’t mean this in a bad or negative way but it helps to begin to answer our own why’s then focus on their why’s.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Thanks everybody!
I am trying really hard to focus on me, but it is quite challenging. I go to bed thinking about him, when I am finally at sleep I dream about him...We have had no contact, and it has been very challenging.
I don't like that I have no motivation. I don't like that I miss him. I don't like a lot of things, but this is the way it must be in order to break the cycle.
I know what I have to do. I know what is the best thing. I know, trust me I do. However, I am not quite there yet because bottom line I love him and the feelings involved blurred my reality.
This is by far the hardest experience I have ever been to, and I know healing takes time, but this HURTS like hell. Like somebody said earlier, yes, as for today it is a scary feeling of thinking I lost him forever, but nobody knows that. I would love to have that fairy land happy ending, but nobody knows that. There is a lot of things that nobody knows and as of today, the facts are the facts and those are the ones that I need to work with... to be quite honest, I just don't know how to deal with it. I find myself trapped...or at least feeling trapped into wanting to movie on, focusing on me, but not knowing who I really am because I am just thinking of him...and also because I have spent four years of my life with him. It feels like a lost sense of who I am.
This is very hard and I just feel meh! This weekend was VERY hard, and yesterday was a better day, but today I woke up thinking of him and it is only 6am.
Breathing... with pain, but breathing.
I am trying really hard to focus on me, but it is quite challenging. I go to bed thinking about him, when I am finally at sleep I dream about him...We have had no contact, and it has been very challenging.
I don't like that I have no motivation. I don't like that I miss him. I don't like a lot of things, but this is the way it must be in order to break the cycle.
I know what I have to do. I know what is the best thing. I know, trust me I do. However, I am not quite there yet because bottom line I love him and the feelings involved blurred my reality.
This is by far the hardest experience I have ever been to, and I know healing takes time, but this HURTS like hell. Like somebody said earlier, yes, as for today it is a scary feeling of thinking I lost him forever, but nobody knows that. I would love to have that fairy land happy ending, but nobody knows that. There is a lot of things that nobody knows and as of today, the facts are the facts and those are the ones that I need to work with... to be quite honest, I just don't know how to deal with it. I find myself trapped...or at least feeling trapped into wanting to movie on, focusing on me, but not knowing who I really am because I am just thinking of him...and also because I have spent four years of my life with him. It feels like a lost sense of who I am.
This is very hard and I just feel meh! This weekend was VERY hard, and yesterday was a better day, but today I woke up thinking of him and it is only 6am.
Breathing... with pain, but breathing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by SoloJohn 
Well MV, I'm going thru the same thing, and experiencing the same feelings you are. See my thread "Encouragement?" Read the replies, they are very wise and, well, encouraging. Hang in there!
SoloJohn,
I read your thread. Inspiring and it proves again that we do care and love, but that some how we need to take care of ourselves.
Yesterday (and weekend) was EXTREMELY hard. I go to bed thinking of him, I wake up thinking about him. I cry, I laugh at the memories. I miss him.
Little by little I know what I have to do, but I am not quite there yet. My heart aches, my world is different, my world is changing. At the moment I may no see it because of all the pain, but perhaps this is for the better. Do I want a fairy tail ending? Of course! However, facts are facts and if he really loves himself he needs to work on his solid recovery. To be honest, one year will be tough for him and won't be enough. He has been drinking for 10 plus years.... and this is just one of his problems. He needs to dig deep.
I feel your pain. I feel you! You committed yourself to this woman for so long, you come from a family that struggled, and I applaud that! There is always a new day. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't like waking up and feeling meh, I dont like worrying, I don't like not knowing...but I have to let go. How? no clue, but I have to. I am just plain exhausted and overwhelmed.
People say focus on you, but that is the last thing in my mind. I try and then 5 minutes later his name comes to mind. I worry. It is common. I've been doing it for 4 years. Baby steps are key.
I've been feeling the love from friends, families, strangers and even his family. They know everything and they are looking out for me. Surround yourself with people you love. That helps.
You are strong and embrace the hell out of the pain. It will eventually lead you somewhere.
I am a very passionate person about life. When I am happy, I am passionate about it. When I am sad, I am equally passionate. My world is about caring and loving everybody, and it has been very strange having that turned around. This is new to me. Loving myself has been there, but I have never felt it as this strong.
Today seems to be a better day. I don't have all the answers and most likely will never understand many. Of course, it is sad...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 35
Thanks Mv. God knows I know how you are feeling. I had to come home from work early today it was so bad. Strong? I sure don't feel very strong right now. Focus on me? Don't feel like that either. I'm much the same way when it comes to passion. When its good its great, when bad-very bad. Just the way it is. Thanks for the support, and the kind words. Need all I can get, and I know you do too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Why do I feel so obsessed into thinking about him?!
Why can't I take him out of my mind?!
I manage to have a better day, but then something happen and BOOM!
There more I think about it, the more I read, the more I know that it was not going to work. Yes, I get that...however, how I can make my brain and heart believe that or agree?! For some reason I am still hurt with him saying he was not in love with me because he probably doesn't know what love means, but truth to be told, I think he was honest, so I rather suffer now than later...correct?! However, it still hurts
Hurts way too much, and I want to be ready and strong in case he contacts me.
My no contact time ONLY 5 days
Why can't I take him out of my mind?!
I manage to have a better day, but then something happen and BOOM!
There more I think about it, the more I read, the more I know that it was not going to work. Yes, I get that...however, how I can make my brain and heart believe that or agree?! For some reason I am still hurt with him saying he was not in love with me because he probably doesn't know what love means, but truth to be told, I think he was honest, so I rather suffer now than later...correct?! However, it still hurts
Hurts way too much, and I want to be ready and strong in case he contacts me.My no contact time ONLY 5 days
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by mv6348
Why do I feel so obsessed into thinking about him?!
Why can't I take him out of my mind?!
I manage to have a better day, but then something happen and BOOM!
There more I think about it, the more I read, the more I know that it was not going to work. Yes, I get that...however, how I can make my brain and heart believe that or agree?! For some reason I am still hurt with him saying he was not in love with me because he probably doesn't know what love means, but truth to be told, I think he was honest, so I rather suffer now than later...correct?! However, it still hurts Hurts way too much, and I want to be ready and strong in case he contacts me.
My no contact time ONLY 5 days
Why can't I take him out of my mind?!
I manage to have a better day, but then something happen and BOOM!
There more I think about it, the more I read, the more I know that it was not going to work. Yes, I get that...however, how I can make my brain and heart believe that or agree?! For some reason I am still hurt with him saying he was not in love with me because he probably doesn't know what love means, but truth to be told, I think he was honest, so I rather suffer now than later...correct?! However, it still hurts
Hurts way too much, and I want to be ready and strong in case he contacts me.My no contact time ONLY 5 days
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
Mv, solojohn- I hear you and feel your pain. I broke down and called my EXAG yesterday at rehab and left a message with her roommate. She didn't call me back. And today I feel absolutely horrible about it. The whole "why doesn't she love me, was I so bad, etc," is back in full force. I wouldn't be here if I had the strength to just not have called yesterday.
I too can't get her out of my head. And it has gotten worse since I know she is getting out of rehab on Monday. I really want to talk with her, and share her newfound (albeit short at 60 days) sobriety. But it is a bad idea- for both of us. Logically I know this. I am a tremendously logical person in every aspect of my life.... Except for my feelings and actions regarding her.
I too can't get her out of my head. And it has gotten worse since I know she is getting out of rehab on Monday. I really want to talk with her, and share her newfound (albeit short at 60 days) sobriety. But it is a bad idea- for both of us. Logically I know this. I am a tremendously logical person in every aspect of my life.... Except for my feelings and actions regarding her.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
