Advice and support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
Every day I survive!
I've been very tempted to contact, but no!
However, this weekend he will be in town with his family. I am anxious, but I will not contact and I know he won't.
I need strength!
Also, anybody know where I can get good articles regarding the alcoholic mind?! I am fascinated by this disease and I would like to some how understand it a bit more.
I've been very tempted to contact, but no!
However, this weekend he will be in town with his family. I am anxious, but I will not contact and I know he won't.
I need strength!
Also, anybody know where I can get good articles regarding the alcoholic mind?! I am fascinated by this disease and I would like to some how understand it a bit more.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear mv6348, you can read the articles by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. You can google his website where you will find many articles. Start with "The Addicted Mind" and "Addiction, Lies and Relationships". Those were very valuable to me. It helps to understand how this horrid disease distorts everything it touches.
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I just want to give you both some support tonight, mv6348 and SoloJohn. So many here, myself among them, remember well the weeks and months and even, for some, years of shock following the abrupt rejection and sudden coldness of the alcoholic or drug addict. For many here it came unexpectedly, often following a period of what felt to be a healing reunion with the alcoholic. mv, you mentioned a period of separation when your former partner pushed you away then pulled you back. This is very common with alcoholics, and each time it happens it makes the codependent partner all the more vulnerable. Partly because the alcoholic is often quite tender, perhaps deeply apologetic, often seems wounded and lost, and all the codependent compulsions to feel needed, to rescue, and to be with someone who is so broken that the risk of that person leaving seems so unlikely.....it is a perfect and tragic combination of two individuals who cannot form an honest and dependable union with each other. One is selfish to the extreme (the alcoholic, even though he or she often hides it quite well) and the other is selfless to the extreme. Relationship is about balance, and these extremes simply do not "relate."
The codependent, when the alcoholic walks away, is utterly stricken, in most instances. She (or he) is stunned that the alcoholic apparently has no genuine love for her, no need of her, and seems to feel no pain at the possibility of never being with her again. This is so outside her own approach to the relationship that she reacts with a kind of sick horror and she takes his rejection and disappearance deeply personally. She cannot absorb its reality because this kind of thinking and behavior is unimaginable to her. And this experience certainly happens with an alcoholic who is actively drinking but it can also happen with one who is dry and in a recovery program. When it happens with one who is "in the program", that can be a tremendous shock, for the codependent projects onto the alcoholic all sorts of expectations of personal transformation: he will be kinder, more loving, more committed, more mature, more spiritual, more GRATEFUL for her relentless loyalty to him. When instead he continues to be self-serving, self-justifying and self-centered (being in AA can intensify the alcoholic's grandiosity unless he actually experiences the complete collapse of ego), she is further confused and more stricken because now someone who is a "program person" --and therefore, in her view, "exalted" --finds her unacceptable. She thinks, deep down, that he must be so well now, and view her as so sick, that he had no choice other than cutting her out of his life.
Do not be a part of this script. It is not real. Alcoholics are always smoke and mirrors, they are always about the look-good, and they know how to puff themselves up to god-like proportions. And those in early recovery can be the worst offenders. They like the attention they get because they go to meetings. They are probably nowhere near working an authentic and gut-wrenching Fourth Step (character defects and the damage done), so they feel pumped, in some ways, by this pink cloud period of "success". It feeds, for many, an already grossly inflated ego.
You are letting a fake decide how you feel about yourself today. You are probably isolating, obsessing, and imagining things which are surely not real. If you can get to any kind of meeting for codependents--Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon--it can help this fog you're in start to lift.
The codependent, when the alcoholic walks away, is utterly stricken, in most instances. She (or he) is stunned that the alcoholic apparently has no genuine love for her, no need of her, and seems to feel no pain at the possibility of never being with her again. This is so outside her own approach to the relationship that she reacts with a kind of sick horror and she takes his rejection and disappearance deeply personally. She cannot absorb its reality because this kind of thinking and behavior is unimaginable to her. And this experience certainly happens with an alcoholic who is actively drinking but it can also happen with one who is dry and in a recovery program. When it happens with one who is "in the program", that can be a tremendous shock, for the codependent projects onto the alcoholic all sorts of expectations of personal transformation: he will be kinder, more loving, more committed, more mature, more spiritual, more GRATEFUL for her relentless loyalty to him. When instead he continues to be self-serving, self-justifying and self-centered (being in AA can intensify the alcoholic's grandiosity unless he actually experiences the complete collapse of ego), she is further confused and more stricken because now someone who is a "program person" --and therefore, in her view, "exalted" --finds her unacceptable. She thinks, deep down, that he must be so well now, and view her as so sick, that he had no choice other than cutting her out of his life.
Do not be a part of this script. It is not real. Alcoholics are always smoke and mirrors, they are always about the look-good, and they know how to puff themselves up to god-like proportions. And those in early recovery can be the worst offenders. They like the attention they get because they go to meetings. They are probably nowhere near working an authentic and gut-wrenching Fourth Step (character defects and the damage done), so they feel pumped, in some ways, by this pink cloud period of "success". It feeds, for many, an already grossly inflated ego.
You are letting a fake decide how you feel about yourself today. You are probably isolating, obsessing, and imagining things which are surely not real. If you can get to any kind of meeting for codependents--Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon--it can help this fog you're in start to lift.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
The codependent, when the alcoholic walks away, is utterly stricken, in most instances. She (or he) is stunned that the alcoholic apparently has no genuine love for her, no need of her, and seems to feel no pain at the possibility of never being with her again. This is so outside her own approach to the relationship that she reacts with a kind of sick horror and she takes his rejection and disappearance deeply personally. She cannot absorb its reality because this kind of thinking and behavior is unimaginable to her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 78
EnglishGarden,
Once again thank you. Reading everything and little by little with time, I am discovering a lot about myself and as painful the situation is, the relationship was not going anywhere. Accepting that is hard. Accepting that you are codependent woman is hard.
As I have mixed emotions, I am (little by little) understanding and seeing everything. However, it still hurts. I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and mainly I am dealing with how to get back on track no matter how painful the situation is.
I am encountering myself dealing with two big emotions:
First, I fell in love with an alcoholic. I don't understand his process and I don't understand his current enthusiasm towards recovery. He is certainly a different person and he is actually doing really great with his recovery. He is only 76 days sober, but the way he talks (yes, we talked), the way he is acting, everything seems amazing. Now, this is what I don't get... I understand that every situation is different and that in order to get sober you just have to make the choice. Yes, the road will be bumpy, but you have the make the choice. Who am I to judge, right?, but I really don't get how he is getting better with no therapy or actual plan, because as he says his only plan is "not to drink". He is going to daily meetings which give him support, but he is not digging deep into those emotions and issues that drove him to drink in the first place. I am actually dealing with the fact that I am guilty that I can't feel genuinely happy for him, even when that was what I wanted in the first place. I dreamed of the day that he will become sober, and now that he is working towards that, I can't feel happy because I am out of the picture because according to him, drinking made him be blurry and he was most likely not in love with me in the first place. He is saying that this all new to him. During the relationship I did question many things, and I was not happy, but I am not sure why I didn't want to let him go. Now, I don't want to get back with him, but that doesn't mean that I am questioning the accuracy of his recovery... not sure why. Is this normal? Do I want him to fail, yes... because that will tell me, "MV, you are right he is still an alcoholic that is drinking, lets move on". That to me is harsh to say and feel, because yes, I am angry and I am hurt... now, deep down I know I don't want to. I want to see him live his life, but I am angry. I've never allowed myself to be angry, and this is new to me.
Secondly, I am human and this situation is forcing me to see within and to deal with some painful emotions, and insecurities. I know I will be ok, but not sure how to get there. I know I need to move on, but not sure where to get the strength from. I am scared, very scared because I don't even know who I am. I think accepting it is the first step and even though I am still in that process, I am certainly going in the right direction. These emotions are really getting every inch of my energy. I can't pretend that I am ok, but I have to in a way so I can continue with my life. I am also being extremely hard on myself. This unhealthy obsession of thinking about him, this feeling of having him be with somebody else, this feeling of seeing him happy and processing our break up in a different way (and he seems fine too), the feeling of disappointment because I allow myself to be in this relationship and I allow him to walk all over me, the feeling of thinking (or wanting to think) that he cares for me, but because of the disease he can't love me or respect me, the feeling of all the memories (good or bad), the feelings of all the pain that I went through and still I was hopeful because faith is the last think you lose.... but worse of all, this feeling of not knowing who you are... Well, it is all VERY overwhelming
I guess these are all experiences and lessons that will make and help me become a better human being... a better STRONGER human being.. I certainly don't feel it or see it now, but hopefully (REALLY SOON) I can look back and say "it was worth the pain because it taught me this", "he taught me this, and now I am like this", "everything happens for a reason"... because right now I am just lacking strength in that sense. I used to be a very happy, optimistic person... deep down is still down there... and I am keeping my face up high. Just like the japanese proverb.... FALL SEVEN TIMES, STAND UP EIGHT!
This is not easy at all. I am in plain reconstruction of myself... to an extend I am in my own recovery...
Woah, I just realized I needed to vent. Excuse the typos because I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and now I am about to board a plane If any of you read this, thank you... I am not alone, I know, and this is a great place to feel safe and to get advice.
Once again thank you. Reading everything and little by little with time, I am discovering a lot about myself and as painful the situation is, the relationship was not going anywhere. Accepting that is hard. Accepting that you are codependent woman is hard.
As I have mixed emotions, I am (little by little) understanding and seeing everything. However, it still hurts. I am dealing with a lot of emotions, and mainly I am dealing with how to get back on track no matter how painful the situation is.
I am encountering myself dealing with two big emotions:
First, I fell in love with an alcoholic. I don't understand his process and I don't understand his current enthusiasm towards recovery. He is certainly a different person and he is actually doing really great with his recovery. He is only 76 days sober, but the way he talks (yes, we talked), the way he is acting, everything seems amazing. Now, this is what I don't get... I understand that every situation is different and that in order to get sober you just have to make the choice. Yes, the road will be bumpy, but you have the make the choice. Who am I to judge, right?, but I really don't get how he is getting better with no therapy or actual plan, because as he says his only plan is "not to drink". He is going to daily meetings which give him support, but he is not digging deep into those emotions and issues that drove him to drink in the first place. I am actually dealing with the fact that I am guilty that I can't feel genuinely happy for him, even when that was what I wanted in the first place. I dreamed of the day that he will become sober, and now that he is working towards that, I can't feel happy because I am out of the picture because according to him, drinking made him be blurry and he was most likely not in love with me in the first place. He is saying that this all new to him. During the relationship I did question many things, and I was not happy, but I am not sure why I didn't want to let him go. Now, I don't want to get back with him, but that doesn't mean that I am questioning the accuracy of his recovery... not sure why. Is this normal? Do I want him to fail, yes... because that will tell me, "MV, you are right he is still an alcoholic that is drinking, lets move on". That to me is harsh to say and feel, because yes, I am angry and I am hurt... now, deep down I know I don't want to. I want to see him live his life, but I am angry. I've never allowed myself to be angry, and this is new to me.
Secondly, I am human and this situation is forcing me to see within and to deal with some painful emotions, and insecurities. I know I will be ok, but not sure how to get there. I know I need to move on, but not sure where to get the strength from. I am scared, very scared because I don't even know who I am. I think accepting it is the first step and even though I am still in that process, I am certainly going in the right direction. These emotions are really getting every inch of my energy. I can't pretend that I am ok, but I have to in a way so I can continue with my life. I am also being extremely hard on myself. This unhealthy obsession of thinking about him, this feeling of having him be with somebody else, this feeling of seeing him happy and processing our break up in a different way (and he seems fine too), the feeling of disappointment because I allow myself to be in this relationship and I allow him to walk all over me, the feeling of thinking (or wanting to think) that he cares for me, but because of the disease he can't love me or respect me, the feeling of all the memories (good or bad), the feelings of all the pain that I went through and still I was hopeful because faith is the last think you lose.... but worse of all, this feeling of not knowing who you are... Well, it is all VERY overwhelming
I guess these are all experiences and lessons that will make and help me become a better human being... a better STRONGER human being.. I certainly don't feel it or see it now, but hopefully (REALLY SOON) I can look back and say "it was worth the pain because it taught me this", "he taught me this, and now I am like this", "everything happens for a reason"... because right now I am just lacking strength in that sense. I used to be a very happy, optimistic person... deep down is still down there... and I am keeping my face up high. Just like the japanese proverb.... FALL SEVEN TIMES, STAND UP EIGHT!
This is not easy at all. I am in plain reconstruction of myself... to an extend I am in my own recovery...
Woah, I just realized I needed to vent. Excuse the typos because I just wrote, and wrote, and wrote, and now I am about to board a plane If any of you read this, thank you... I am not alone, I know, and this is a great place to feel safe and to get advice.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Right there with you!!
I just wanted to tell you that I am having similar questions about my AH's recovery right now (you are not alone!) - he has stopped drinking, has started going to AA meetings, and is working out/eating better. To me, they are all good steps in the right direction. BUT, for any chance of reconciling our marriage, I believe that a treatment program and counseling are necessary. How does he really think he can make the necessary changes completely on his own? And, yes, I know, that is not my issue to be concerned with.
I'm trying to learn how to deal with this - practice detachment and work on myself. I have come to the realization that in order for any chance at a reconciliation, I have to be sure of who I am and what I want from a relationship. Knowing these things will be extremely important for ME, whatever may come. Ultimately, I think these difficult experiences are what will help set us on the path to recovery so that is something to be thankful for.
Thanks for sharing your vent today!
I'm trying to learn how to deal with this - practice detachment and work on myself. I have come to the realization that in order for any chance at a reconciliation, I have to be sure of who I am and what I want from a relationship. Knowing these things will be extremely important for ME, whatever may come. Ultimately, I think these difficult experiences are what will help set us on the path to recovery so that is something to be thankful for.
Thanks for sharing your vent today!
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