The Calm in Between Storms
Journey To Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
The Calm in Between Storms
You can’t fool me AH; I know what is coming.
After the most recent blow up with my AH there is a state of calm. Monday night was the last bad night in a string of several proceeding. That is when my niece and I decided to go shopping instead of go to dinner with a bitter selfish drunk. We left my AH at the house, and he didn’t like that much. Since my niece was the only one willing to play his game he set his sights on her. He said some hurtful things to her and made threats. All of it ended up snowballing, and from where I left off Tuesday he was laying down very hangover. Through the snowstorm the night before his side of the family had been notified of him drinking again, and my AH was about to be confronted by his dad. I had very little to do with the gossip train, but I felt uncomfortable about his dad showing up at our house to confront my AH, especially since I would have been caught in the middle. A previous thread that I had started regarding this gave me some wonderful responses and I was prepared to utilize them to stay on my side of the fence, but as it turned out I didn’t need to. I had taken my dog for a long walk that day to clear my head before this confrontation was to happen and when I got back home my AH was on the phone with his dad. His dad didn’t come over after all, but I guess they had a good talk. He later apologized for his actions to me and to our niece.
Yesterday was a good day. He did not drink. He played basketball at the gym, and was fun to be around when I got off of work. He was present both physically and mentally. We had a good family night, and I really like seeing my niece smile and laugh with him. He slept in bed, last night, which was bitter sweet I guess. I am so used to him not in bed it was kind of a nuisance to give up so much room and blankets, however it was nice to have the silent companionship.
Today, I am getting phone calls of genuine wanting to talk to me and find out how my day is going, rather than his drunken calls that tend to be self serving attempts to pass along negativity and burden me with his issues. I have to admit, it has been nice to have him back even it is just temporary. His playful humor has been a nice break in the home’s lately more frequent tension.
I am not going to allow this calm to steer me away from making my plan, however. I know this is a calm before the next storm. It has happened time and time again throughout the years. He has not done anything differently. There is no miraculous breakthrough or spontaneous recovery program. He has not suddenly woken up and become a non addict. He also decided to get off his prescription anti depressants without doctor assistance. They are both low dosage, but to my knowledge medication, especially psych meds, should not be suddenly stopped without doctor’s approval. He stated he doesn’t believe they were working and made him feel weird. I advised him to make an appointment, but he is choosing not to. Well, whatever. Not only is it a dangerous choice, it also doesn’t seem like a promising long term fix either. So, I went ahead and signed my niece up for Driver’s Ed.. Her not having means for transportation when AH drinks was a worry of mine. She is so excited to be working on getting her license she worked so hard and is actually almost done with the online classroom portion of the Driver’s Ed.. It’s only been two days! She is close to getting her driving permit, and we’ll be doing behind the wheel training after that. Every step counts.
Is it wrong to enjoy this little piece of him while it lasts? Despite the shoe hanging in the air waiting to drop, I find myself able to smile a bit with him during these sober days. This doesn’t mean everything is “a okay,” and granted it’s not full out “I’m happy forever” smile, but it’s just a having fun smile. Is it wrong to enjoy these days knowing that my plan is geared to leave? I haven’t discussed leaving with him any deeper than me assuring him that I do not want to live with a practicing addict long term.
After the most recent blow up with my AH there is a state of calm. Monday night was the last bad night in a string of several proceeding. That is when my niece and I decided to go shopping instead of go to dinner with a bitter selfish drunk. We left my AH at the house, and he didn’t like that much. Since my niece was the only one willing to play his game he set his sights on her. He said some hurtful things to her and made threats. All of it ended up snowballing, and from where I left off Tuesday he was laying down very hangover. Through the snowstorm the night before his side of the family had been notified of him drinking again, and my AH was about to be confronted by his dad. I had very little to do with the gossip train, but I felt uncomfortable about his dad showing up at our house to confront my AH, especially since I would have been caught in the middle. A previous thread that I had started regarding this gave me some wonderful responses and I was prepared to utilize them to stay on my side of the fence, but as it turned out I didn’t need to. I had taken my dog for a long walk that day to clear my head before this confrontation was to happen and when I got back home my AH was on the phone with his dad. His dad didn’t come over after all, but I guess they had a good talk. He later apologized for his actions to me and to our niece.
Yesterday was a good day. He did not drink. He played basketball at the gym, and was fun to be around when I got off of work. He was present both physically and mentally. We had a good family night, and I really like seeing my niece smile and laugh with him. He slept in bed, last night, which was bitter sweet I guess. I am so used to him not in bed it was kind of a nuisance to give up so much room and blankets, however it was nice to have the silent companionship.
Today, I am getting phone calls of genuine wanting to talk to me and find out how my day is going, rather than his drunken calls that tend to be self serving attempts to pass along negativity and burden me with his issues. I have to admit, it has been nice to have him back even it is just temporary. His playful humor has been a nice break in the home’s lately more frequent tension.
I am not going to allow this calm to steer me away from making my plan, however. I know this is a calm before the next storm. It has happened time and time again throughout the years. He has not done anything differently. There is no miraculous breakthrough or spontaneous recovery program. He has not suddenly woken up and become a non addict. He also decided to get off his prescription anti depressants without doctor assistance. They are both low dosage, but to my knowledge medication, especially psych meds, should not be suddenly stopped without doctor’s approval. He stated he doesn’t believe they were working and made him feel weird. I advised him to make an appointment, but he is choosing not to. Well, whatever. Not only is it a dangerous choice, it also doesn’t seem like a promising long term fix either. So, I went ahead and signed my niece up for Driver’s Ed.. Her not having means for transportation when AH drinks was a worry of mine. She is so excited to be working on getting her license she worked so hard and is actually almost done with the online classroom portion of the Driver’s Ed.. It’s only been two days! She is close to getting her driving permit, and we’ll be doing behind the wheel training after that. Every step counts.
Is it wrong to enjoy this little piece of him while it lasts? Despite the shoe hanging in the air waiting to drop, I find myself able to smile a bit with him during these sober days. This doesn’t mean everything is “a okay,” and granted it’s not full out “I’m happy forever” smile, but it’s just a having fun smile. Is it wrong to enjoy these days knowing that my plan is geared to leave? I haven’t discussed leaving with him any deeper than me assuring him that I do not want to live with a practicing addict long term.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I think it's a form of detachment to allow yourself to smile, but still keep a safe emotional distance. You're wise to recognize this for what it is, and not get caught up in it. And if it helps keep the calm for awhile,even a few days....why not? You know the truth, and you continue to make plans for your life.....keep up the good work. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
IMO, enjoying the calm between the storms is one of the ways we can be healthy. (Entirely possible that I'm nuts, though!) When there's little drama, it just gives us more space to live our lives. You are continuing with your plans as happily as you can, aware that the other shoe WILL drop, but not freezing in place because of that knowledge. Good for you!!! I don't think it's wrong at all. I think it's realistic.
Our niece lived with us for a year, MT. It was one of my first huge lessons in why I should not make someone else the primary focus of my own life. Sounds like your situation is turning out better - nice to hear about that working out for someone!
Our niece lived with us for a year, MT. It was one of my first huge lessons in why I should not make someone else the primary focus of my own life. Sounds like your situation is turning out better - nice to hear about that working out for someone!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Nope, it's called living in the moment. Not a thing wrong with it, and really, that's what we all need to do.
I think you are doing GREAT with your recovery. And I think your niece is very lucky.
I think you are doing GREAT with your recovery. And I think your niece is very lucky.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
You are very wise and recognizing the situation for what it is. You have your guard in place but it is ok to enjoy yourself. I have lived the same roller coaster with my ADH, he gets bad I pull away and he gets better showing me a glimpse of that man I married until he feels everything is "OK" between us and then the cycle starts again and the addiction wins. You are very wise to continue your plan. That is what I am doing too. Baby steps. I was so inspired about how you stood up for yourself and so calmly took your niece and yourself away from the chaos the other day. I hope I can learn to be as strong as you are. Continue to focus on yourself and your niece. You are being a great example for her on what to NOT accept in a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
"I am not going to allow this calm to steer me away from making my plan, however. I know this is a calm before the next storm. It has happened time and time again throughout the years. He has not done anything differently. There is no miraculous breakthrough or spontaneous recovery program. He has not suddenly woken up and become a non addict."
Good for you! I think this is so hard to see sometimes. We often want to badly to believe that the calm will last and that it represents a real change and we do all we can to maintain it - including changing course away from what we were doing for ourselves.
And, sadly, it is a calm before the storm. But if on slim chance it isn't, you're still been doing what is best for you. And that is the right way to go - because he is going get better or get sicker - whichever one - regardless.
I write this partly as an affirmation for myself. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Good for you! I think this is so hard to see sometimes. We often want to badly to believe that the calm will last and that it represents a real change and we do all we can to maintain it - including changing course away from what we were doing for ourselves.
And, sadly, it is a calm before the storm. But if on slim chance it isn't, you're still been doing what is best for you. And that is the right way to go - because he is going get better or get sicker - whichever one - regardless.
I write this partly as an affirmation for myself. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 58
Enjoy your life..do the things you love. He can cry in his drink. It is his problem to solve..not yours. Do not feel bad about being good to yourself and having fun. If he is anything he is wondering why you are ok..if he is so miserable. Alcoholics hate that Lol!
God bless
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I look back now and can enjoy those moments of normalcy...it is what kept me in that relationship for longer than I should have stayed. I craved those moments. And they were wonderful! He was an amazing man when he wasn't under the influence.
The ups and downs of it all finally got me. I can't live like that...I need consistency and with him it was chaos.
But even now - a year out of the relationship - I still look back fondly on those calm and happy moments.
Enjoy it!
Peace,
~T
The ups and downs of it all finally got me. I can't live like that...I need consistency and with him it was chaos.
But even now - a year out of the relationship - I still look back fondly on those calm and happy moments.
Enjoy it!
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Thanks for the reminder to stay realistic, MT. I needed to hear this, as I may be experiencing a calm myself. I am trying to remain realistic, and it helps to hear from someone who has been there.
You are doing very well, and I am so glad!!! You are really an example to me.
You are doing very well, and I am so glad!!! You are really an example to me.
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