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Old 05-23-2013, 09:44 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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oh honey, you really need to figure out YOU first.

If you don't you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and disappointment.

I seemed to have spent years of my life embracing other people's causes, issues, dated a couple of guys whose interests, did not interest or stiimulate my mind. I was spinning my wheels and often found myself stuck in the mud.

I can only suggest, until you truly know what makes you tick, what makes you come to life, makes you smile, makes you cry, you probably shouldn't be involved.......

Find your passion, my friend.

Until we truly know who we are, we don't have much to offer others.

You cannot go through life with you light shining under a bucket.
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Old 05-23-2013, 10:33 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
oh honey, you really need to figure out YOU first.

If you don't you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and disappointment.

I seemed to have spent years of my life embracing other people's causes, issues, dated a couple of guys whose interests, did not interest or stiimulate my mind. I was spinning my wheels and often found myself stuck in the mud.

I can only suggest, until you truly know what makes you tick, what makes you come to life, makes you smile, makes you cry, you probably shouldn't be involved.......

Find your passion, my friend.

Until we truly know who we are, we don't have much to offer others.

You cannot go through life with you light shining under a bucket.

I have me figured out, for the most part. I actually have to work on (day in and day out) keeping my chin up and smiling. Sometimes it's genuine, and sometimes I fake it 'til I make it. Not too many can tell the difference. Just as my RAXBF has his demons, I have mine. Mine just aren't substance based.

More than anything, my greatest passion is currently my job. That's why I took slight offense when someone suggested that he was my single source of self-esteem, because he isn't. He's not even at the very top of the list.
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Old 05-23-2013, 11:24 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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If he is no big deal, let it go...

He's not even at the very top of the list.
I think you said something like this before, what is at the top of your self esteem list?

You waited a couple of years until he finally asked you out?
So, now that he has said he wants to end it, and you are fine with it,
what is the problem?

I do understand that there are no guarantees in recovery; but that was I chance I was willing to take. I've lost the key to my happiness long before I even met him, and I don't know that I'll ever find it.
Okay, you were unhappy when you met him, but waited two years for him to ask you out.
He does, turns out badly, he wants to break it off.
He does (break it off), you say you agree, but you cannot or seem unwilling to let go.

You are willing to risk your happiness in life based on someone else's recovery, that is a recipe for disaster.
I am one of those who waited for someone to change into a white knight. He just got meaner and older.
I had to let go for my children's sake, and then for my own.
I have one life.
I did not want to use it all on the chance he might get better.

To be honest with you, I was considering waiting on him. I've known him for a couple of years (before he relapsed), and I was really excited when he finally asked me out. I guess you're right, but it feels wrong to just move on...
It feels wrong to move on, why?
What is wrong about leaving someone alone who asked to be left alone?
Because it is not what you want?


You had an emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive ex before this one for 18 months.
You knew this latest man for two years waiting for him to ask you out.
Did the eighteen months coincide with part of the time waiting for this latest guy to ask you out?
If so, maybe you idealized this last guy, and still do to a certain extent?
Is it possible?

It could be wrong to move on (or in my opinion impossible) until you do some work on yourself.
If you do not need a man for self esteem, then have a sabbatical from men.
Take a break and work on the things you enjoy and bring you joy.
Work from the list of things that bring you self esteem, and make you feel good about you.

No man will do that for you. None. There is no one out there looking for women who are not whole, unless they are not whole themselves.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

If you sit around, waiting for this guy to call, no one will see you, they will see you waiting for someone else.

Seems like a lonely way to spend one day of your precious life,
let alone weeks, months and then turn into years.

There is one guarantee in recovery, it works if you work it.

Beth

Work on you and see what happens, what have you got to lose?


to the club of those working on themselves.
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Old 05-24-2013, 07:13 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I think you said something like this before, what is at the top of your self esteem list?
My job, for the most part. I take great pride in satisfaction in what I do, knowing that what I do makes a difference in the lives of others.

Other than that, I have a few hobbies that I enjoy to balance things out.

Originally Posted by wicked View Post
You waited a couple of years until he finally asked you out?
So, now that he has said he wants to end it, and you are fine with it,
what is the problem?
The problem is that I don't see it as an end. I see it more as a pause.


Originally Posted by wicked View Post
It feels wrong to move on, why?
What is wrong about leaving someone alone who asked to be left alone?
Because it is not what you want?
No, it isn't what I want. It's what he needs, though; and to move on feels like I'm abandoning him in a way.


Originally Posted by wicked View Post
You had an emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive ex before this one for 18 months.
You knew this latest man for two years waiting for him to ask you out.
Did the eighteen months coincide with part of the time waiting for this latest guy to ask you out?
Yes. I met them both around the same time -- though my first ex first.

Originally Posted by wicked View Post
If so, maybe you idealized this last guy, and still do to a certain extent?
Is it possible?
It is possible...
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:04 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I am sorry that you took offense, that certainly was never my intent.

When I first arrived here two years ago, I was quite emotionally defeated.

More than once a poster would share their personal insight, and I would think how is this helpful? Or my situation is different, that just doesn't apply, or they don't know me how can they say that?

I did not want to hear, what I was not ready to hear.

Sometimes I was left to chew on those words for days, I started to see that there is a difference between my ego, and my self worth, to place value on my today, was different than allowing my scorned, righteous ego control over a very sad situation.

I knew the answer, and I knew what needed to happen for him to be healthy, but it really didn't matter what I knew, because this was about HIM. I had to let go....... I had to accept...... and some days I did feel as if I had given up on him, and that's a big pill to have to swallow. But then I remember, I matter too, and I know whatever happens, I am going to be ok.

There is something truly magical about settling into your own skin, to realize what a precious gift life is, and living it to the fullest.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:27 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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It wasn't you who said it, Marie. Someone else did; and although I know they meant well, it was just like: "How can you assume that? I never even said anything like that."

I wasn't ready to hear a lot of things, but that's why I came here. I know that I need to hear them. No one in my non-virtual world understands what I'm going through. I can't even really explain it to them because: 1) I know they won't understand and 2) it's not my place to out my RAXBF's skeletons. We don't live in that big of a town, and we're both well known around here. I wouldn't want him revealing my dark secrets, and I won't do it to him.



So many things to do, so little time!
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:25 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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you mention that you derive a great deal of self esteem from your job...I believe it was Earnie Larson (recovering addict who wrote some fabulous books about recovery etc) called that being a Human Doing rather than a Human Being. self esteem should come from........SELF. simply by being. not by what we do, what we have, who we are with. ideally we should be a couple days out from a shower, in grubbies or pj's, doing absolutely nothing redeeming and be OK.

you mentioned when you had your car accident you called everyone you knew for help. easiest way to make SURE you get the help you need is....good ole AAA. they WILL respond, they WILL come assist you. we need to learn to properly allocate our "need based" issues....house catches fire, we call the fire dept, get in a car wreck, call 911 and AAA or other coverage. health issue? go to the doctor. feeling the need for love and validation? look to OURSELVES. need help sorting out life's issues? get a good therapist. self sufficiency is about learning what resources work to our benefit....learning where to go for the things that ARE beyond our abilities.
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Old 05-24-2013, 04:47 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I think you're right, Anvil, but I know I got HUGE self-esteem from my job. When I was temporarily unable to do it, when I moved away and was unable to find anything remotely as satisfying, I felt truly bereft. It was also a huge motivator for me to get sober--I don't know how I would have dealt with losing my job over my addiction.

A friend of mine, who has an important job but has run into a lot of administration-related headaches that have caused him a lot of personal strife, is fond of saying, "You may love your job, but it won't love you back." And he's probably right. But I think productive work--using our talents in the best way we can--is a legitimate source of self-esteem. Particularly where the job satisfaction is based on more than how much money you make or how much power you have. Those are less satisfying--for me, anyway.
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:46 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
you mentioned when you had your car accident you called everyone you knew for help. easiest way to make SURE you get the help you need is....good ole AAA. they WILL respond, they WILL come assist you. we need to learn to properly allocate our "need based" issues....house catches fire, we call the fire dept, get in a car wreck, call 911 and AAA or other coverage. health issue? go to the doctor. feeling the need for love and validation? look to OURSELVES. need help sorting out life's issues? get a good therapist. self sufficiency is about learning what resources work to our benefit....learning where to go for the things that ARE beyond our abilities.
I didn't have the money for AAA, and it wasn't a serious enough wreck to call 911. Plus, these services were created and are maintained by humans; which means they are not perfect and there's no guarantee that they WILL always be there to help.

I allocate my need based issues differently than others, because my needs are different than others. Even with self-sufficiency, you still need other people. This includes the need for love and validation (it does for me, at the very least). Sure, I provide some of it -- but a lot of it comes from elsewhere. And for me, that's okay.
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Old 05-24-2013, 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
A friend of mine, who has an important job but has run into a lot of administration-related headaches that have caused him a lot of personal strife, is fond of saying, "You may love your job, but it won't love you back."
I consider myself lucky enough to have a job that loves me back (believe it or not). It's not the most glamorous of jobs, but it chose me and I chose it and I wouldn't be the same without it.

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
But I think productive work--using our talents in the best way we can--is a legitimate source of self-esteem. Particularly where the job satisfaction is based on more than how much money you make or how much power you have. Those are less satisfying--for me, anyway.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:06 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnonK View Post

I didn't have the money for AAA, and it wasn't a serious enough wreck to call 911. Plus, these services were created and are maintained by humans; which means they are not perfect and there's no guarantee that they WILL always be there to help.

I allocate my need based issues differently than others, because my needs are different than others. Even with self-sufficiency, you still need other people. This includes the need for love and validation (it does for me, at the very least). Sure, I provide some of it -- but a lot of it comes from elsewhere. And for me, that's okay.
My love comes from elsewhere too... like my cat... she loves me always.

imho I think you should really reconsider why you called him.

I like to be a damsel in distress myself. Many times I have manipulated D to rescue me. If I wasnt getting attention from him I would slightly exaggerate a negative experience to kick his rescue reflex into gear. sometimes it worked, others it didn't.

If it wasnt a serious enough emergency to call 911 then why would it be serious enough to call someone who has said they don't want talk to you?

I know it hurts. I have been where you are right now.

sometimes I still find myself there in my head.

hugs.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:41 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Lily1918 View Post
If it wasnt a serious enough emergency to call 911 then why would it be serious enough to call someone who has said they don't want talk to you?

I've called 911 twice in my life: once when my home was on fire and once when myself and another individual were in harm's way. It wasn't enough of an emergency to pull rescue workers from something more urgent. That doesn't mean I didn't need help. I have a very short list of numbers in my phone. After an hour of trying everything and everyone I know, I reached out to him. I was running out of time, and it was a last resort.
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Old 05-24-2013, 10:15 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I have a very short list of numbers in my phone. After an hour of trying everything and everyone I know, I reached out to him. I was running out of time, and it was a last resort.
Why, if he has asked you not to call him, is he ON the list at all?

I guess it was a long process for me to let go of my ex husband.
He had proven himself to be less than useful when I needed some help.
I continued to call on him, until I got it.
He cannot help me anymore.
He does not want to, and even he did want to, he did not have the skills.

No, I don't guess it was a long process of letting go, it WAS a long process.
I hope you do not "pause" your life for too long waiting for someone who has expressed his wishes, clearly.

I do not even know you other than this forum, and I want better for you.
Let go or be dragged.
One of the club (of those working on ourselves) sayings.

Take him off all lists, take him out of the phone (for now, for the pause) and if he comes back, put him back in.
That is a possibility too.

Beth

Excuse me, I am so darn hot again. I need a break.
Checking the air conditioner again.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:18 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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I allocate my need based issues differently than others, because my needs are different than others. Even with self-sufficiency, you still need other people. This includes the need for love and validation (it does for me, at the very least). Sure, I provide some of it -- but a lot of it comes from elsewhere. And for me, that's okay.

how is it that YOU are so DIFFERENt from others that the same rules don't apply? and how's that all working out for you? seeking validation from others??

you state that 911 and AAA are human based and therefore FAULTY, but then YOU called every HUMAN in your phone book. that's a disconnect, doesn't make sense. you want to be special and not like others, and yet complain that you feel lost, alone and rejected.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:25 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I allocate my need based issues differently than others, because my needs are different than others. Even with self-sufficiency, you still need other people. This includes the need for love and validation (it does for me, at the very least). Sure, I provide some of it -- but a lot of it comes from elsewhere. And for me, that's okay.

how is it that YOU are so DIFFERENt from others that the same rules don't apply? and how's that all working out for you? seeking validation from others??

you state that 911 and AAA are human based and therefore FAULTY, but then YOU called every HUMAN in your phone book. that's a disconnect, doesn't make sense. you want to be special and not like others, and yet complain that you feel lost, alone and rejected.
Anvil, I HATE when the little hammer in your avatar knocks relentlessly on my thick skull...like it did w/this post. Thank you.

Back to the discussion at hand.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:50 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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This is how I see it.....A person went to the hardware store for bread (Anok, in this case).
The person experienced the natural consequences---was disappointed and
"educated" at the same time. The person is in midst of an exquisetly painful (but, necessary) learning curve.

Who, among us has not done the same thing at some time? It seems to me that a discussion about the how and why hardware stores don't dispense bread and why alternative choices might be better in the future---than to pummel the shopper for doing the act in the first place.

Support rather than criticism would be the best in this situation, IMHO.

sincerely, dandylion
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Old 05-25-2013, 12:01 PM
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you want to be special and not like others, and yet complain that you feel lost, alone and rejected.
Ah yes, anvilhead. This is it for me exactly. No one understood me, because no one knew me, no one knew me, because I did not allow it. That left me pretty much alone in my "specialness" or a better term, terminal uniqueness.

I do not want to feel lost alone and rejected anymore. So, I do not drink, I allow people to see the real me, and I am keeping a safe distance from men who are either addicted or unavailable in some other way.

This is one place I do not feel those feelings, I feel I belong here.
I also belong at meetings. Those are my people.

There comes a time when lost, alone and rejected is not enough.
I hope it comes for you soon AnonK.

Beth
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Old 05-25-2013, 12:42 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Experience, strength and hope

Hello AnonK.,

I thought I was supporting you by sharing my experience.
I also thought I was sharing hope, by hoping you find a better way out of lost alone and rejected.
I shared my experience of finding my way out of being alone, rejected and lost.
I guess what I thought was expressing my experience, strength and hope is not?

AnonK., I was expressing my experience with hanging on to a man who was unavailable, how hard it was to let go, but let go I did.
I stopped thinking of myself as so special no one could help me.
I go to places and meet people who have an understanding of me as an alcoholic.
Heck, we even laugh at our stupid selves sometimes.
If anything I have said has been less than helpful, I am very sorry.

If I have not said it, then I want to say it now. I have been where you are and the pain is bad. It was so painful my chest ached from the loss.
I am sorry you are not getting what you want from someone right now.
I hope you find a way to peace and serenity.

My way out of depression and alcohol is AA meetings, meds for my depressive disorder and Al Anon meetings.
Your way may be way different cause you are way different than me.
That doesn't mean I do not understand or want to help.

I hope you continue to post and work it out.
This is a great place for healing, and surprisingly, there are people here who have been where you are now, and care how you heal.

Everyone has their own style. Obviously, mine is wordy.
Sometimes, I can be a know-it-all, but I work hard on that,
and try to avoid posting when I feel all powerful or all angry.

Yesterday, I had a minor meltdown and I am sorry it happened.
I do not know what is best for anyone.
Only me, and sometimes, not even that.

This thread, in this forum is about AnonK.
How is it going today AnonK.?
Do you care to share anymore about your relationship,
or what you are doing to take care of you?
I went for a walk with my little dog, she gets lots of positive attention.
I smile a lot.
What makes you smile?

Beth

for being here, I am getting some experience, strength and hope from your thread.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:14 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
I allocate my need based issues differently than others, because my needs are different than others. Even with self-sufficiency, you still need other people. This includes the need for love and validation (it does for me, at the very least). Sure, I provide some of it -- but a lot of it comes from elsewhere. And for me, that's okay.

how is it that YOU are so DIFFERENt from others that the same rules don't apply? and how's that all working out for you? seeking validation from others??

you state that 911 and AAA are human based and therefore FAULTY, but then YOU called every HUMAN in your phone book. that's a disconnect, doesn't make sense. you want to be special and not like others, and yet complain that you feel lost, alone and rejected.
Let's just agree to disagree.

I'm not exactly sure where it is I said that the same rules don't apply to me, or that I'm special. It seems like you think that I think that I'm better than everyone else, and that's not the case.

I said that 911 and AAA are human maintained, and therefore they do have faults. They can't be perfect 100% of the time.

I never said I called every person in my phone book. I said that I called everyone I knew that could potentially help in the situation, and that did include my ex.
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:16 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
This is how I see it.....A person went to the hardware store for bread (Anok, in this case).
The person experienced the natural consequences---was disappointed and
"educated" at the same time. The person is in midst of an exquisetly painful (but, necessary) learning curve.

Who, among us has not done the same thing at some time? It seems to me that a discussion about the how and why hardware stores don't dispense bread and why alternative choices might be better in the future---than to pummel the shopper for doing the act in the first place.

Support rather than criticism would be the best in this situation, IMHO.

sincerely, dandylion
, Dandylion.
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