Hi. I need some input from others who have done this.

Old 05-22-2013, 10:29 PM
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BodkinVanHorn's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
Hi. I need some input from others who have done this.

Hi. I haven't been on in a while. Things have been very hectic.
I have an AXBF.
We broke up last summer. He was jobless and after the breakup I made clear my plans to leave. He freaked out, "no, I don't want to be homeless, I don't want our daughter to see me like that...just wait until I get a job and get on my feet". He had been on unemployment for 2 years. Didn't look for a job.
You can probably guess how that has gone.
He got a job in the fall. Was fired by NYE. Got a job in March? Quit this month. I am moving out next month, with our daughter.

You all really helped me last year when I was super struggling.
So thank you.

Right now, I feel like I'm playing on the mood swings.
I'm elated to be moving out of this apartment, out of this situation, away from him, he's been so unpredictible, maybe he's drinking at 6am, maybe he's crying over dinner, maybe he's surly or maybe he's just sleeping on the freaking couch ALL DAMN DAY. So, I've been taking my kid to work with me in the am, then taking her to school, picking her up, losing hours, sometimes he's reliable, sometimes he's freaking wasted at 3pm. I foolishly keep thinking that just because he's here, he's HERE? Do you know what I mean? That he will step in and help and he doesn't. And then I'm angry. And it's only 9am, at this point of my day, lol.

I have detached, I don't take his rants personally or try to engage him when he's wasted or aggro. I try to say, he's this person, he's not the person I thought he was, to expect him to be this other person is kind of irrational. And it's helped. A lot. I used to just be livid and having panic attacks all day. I can't fix hiim.
Thanks for that. I'm not sure I understand the detaching fully but, it's working for me!

He keeps saying he's going to end up in the mental institution, he suffers from PTSD due to abusive AF? I don't know if it's a play for sympathy? He's a super awesome manipulator. I try to deal with him from a healthy distance. But he's my daughter's dad. I told him if he is worried about his mental health, that a hospital is the best place to go. I don't know where he's going to live. I fear that after I move, he will not be a part of our daughter's life at all. I'm sorry, I'm kind of deconstructing here! On one hand, would it be that bad if he were not a part of her life? On the other, I'm out here alone, my family is hours and hours away, his family is so out of touch. I think his mom has cut him off, from the way he is ranting about her. And it's somehow HER fault? Like she's a terrible mom? He's 37. His dad left him a huge amount of money and he spent it all. He has nothing. Why is it her fault? I know I can't expect logic from him.

And the lies infuriate me. Why lie to me? Why? I'm leaving. The other day he was freaking out about how he hates this city (we had to leave the last city b/c he burned too many bridges and was actually in danger from skinheads or something?). We need to move to other cities. Not toghther, but as a family? And I was just like, kid's in school here. I have a job here. I love it here. She has friends....we're not leaving.

How would moving make it better?

And then I'm back to YAY I'm moving!!! After months (years, really) of looking, I found a place and I'm so excited and there's a yard and a decent kitchen, a block away from a couple of coffee shops! I can have a bottle of wine in the house again! I can watch Dr. Who till the cows come home! And How I met Your Mother! And I don't have to listen to hardcore music at 4am anymore!!! No drunk guy on my couch yelling at me for being too loud as I get myself and child ready for work/school!!! Yay!!!!

Does that make sense?
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Old 05-22-2013, 11:06 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Scotland
Posts: 72
Total sense. You're doing great.

When I asked my stbxah to move out, I felt like an elastic band. I had slowly stretched and deformed and stretched some more. I was at the point where I could either stretch a little further and break, or use all the pent up energy in the stretch to ping off and land somewhere else.

Seems like you know you're at the point of maximum stretch, and the joy in your words about a new place and a new life tell me it's a springing point rather than the edge of breaking.

It'll be up and down, even though separate lives would clearly be your best option, and you are ready to make the move.. change is sometimes hard and can often surprise you with pain in places you may not expect.. (Like my body after a gym session!) But that's okay. Feel the feelings of pain and let them pass..

Peace and love and joy for you and your daughter, it's just around the corner.

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Old 05-22-2013, 11:10 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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That sounds awesome!! And you know, it takes whatever time it takes for you to get to the point where you make up your mind. The good part about you letting it take this long is that you're not going to sit around and wonder if you really gave him a chance - if you really have the relationship your all.

You did.

And let me tell you, the feeling of freedom when you're in your own place? Best. Feeling. Ever.

His talk about ending up in a mental institution and being a victim of an AF sounds like quacking and a play for sympathy to me. It would probably be good for him if he did - at least he's be sober for as long as he's there.

Congratulations on putting your child and yourself first. That's the only people you have any responsibility to save.
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:17 AM
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I totally get all those feelings. Trust me, you will be SOOO relieved to be out on your own in your own place.

Yes, his situation is sad, but not hopeless. If he has the energy to make up all these grandiose plans about moving and getting another job, he has the energy to drag his butt into a hospital or rehab or AA meeting and say, "Help!!" To people who actually CAN help--if he wants it.

Hang in, as LS said, it's just around the corner!
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