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Struggling with detachment :(

Old 05-22-2013, 02:05 PM
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Struggling with detachment :(

My RA girlfriend is clean 80 some odd days and arrived home from a 3 month stay at a facility in FL (to NJ) a few weeks ago.

Since then, we shared a few nights and days together. Seen a movie, taken drives, walks, etc. Just enjoyed each other's company.

Recently, she had asked her parents to stay at their shore house so as to be away from the family, triggers, (which I believe may be one in the same) etc.

She has apologized for not inviting me down the shore with her. Telling me she just needs some time. Has also recently apologized for "not being the best lately" as she puts it.

I have repeatedly told her when she apologizes, not to worry about it and to do whatever gives her some peace of mind.

As her BF of 8 years next week, I can't help but want to be around her more often as I missed her so much while she was away. However, I DO NOT push for time together or continuously ask, call, text by any means.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I am slowly realizing this to be all part of her recovery and that the space is necessary to "find herself", as many SR members have already told me.


Just sharing, appreciate any replies.
J
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Old 05-22-2013, 02:16 PM
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Hi Spantoh, is your GF in a recovery program since she left treatment? AA, counseling, etc? Are you in AlAnon, counseling, etc?

I have been with my RABF for 10 years, and he is sober 6 months, so I get where you are right now. The first few months after he returned from treatment were difficult for me. I didn't know exactly what to do. He seemed to keep some emotional distance as well, while I wanted to work on us and talk! I learned through AlAnon to let him work on his recovery, and that I could stay focused on my own recovery. As we both gave each other space to do that, we ended up doing better together.

80 days is early, I would offer that you give her the space she is requesting, and work on yourself during this time. Now.....if she remains distant as time progresses....that's different IMO. If you're staying together, at some point you'll both need to work on building the relationship again.

Kudos to your girlfriend for 80 days, and I wish you both a happy future.
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:08 PM
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one of the best things we can learn to do is to allow the other people in our lives to do what they need to do...its actually crucial, IMHO, for couples who live together, shared space, but defined SEPARATE space.

hank came home today in a bit of a "quiet" mood, nothing WRONG, just kind of somewhere else. we've had a sick dog, I stayed home today, he comes home and didn't seem all that interested in my tale of renting the carpet cleaner etc.

well, it turns out, on the way home, on the sports radio station, he'd heard that some 49'r had suffered a possible season ending injury during OTAs. san fran is our division (Seahawks, NFC West) and really just wanted to watch Sportscenter for the latest.

he was NOT upset...no issues...dog thing not a problem, carpet cleaner rental not a problem, he just was more focused on the sports update!!!! that was HIS space...after asking, once, you ok??, and him replying yes, I just want to watch this and really don't NEED to hear further details of the process of getting the carpets cleaned!!!, I GOT that he wasn't where I was at.

it's OK to be on different pages. you have different lives!! her thing....your thing. let her be her, and you...be YOU. if it's meant to be, it will be.
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Old 05-22-2013, 05:35 PM
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it's OK to be on different pages. you have different lives!! her thing....your thing. let her be her, and you...be YOU. if it's meant to be, it will be.
Well, in the name of everything holy, why did you not tell me this YEARS ago?
My life would be sooo serene!

Oh. Yeah. You were there. I was here.
But now, I am learning.

I am me. They are them. Being on different pages, okay.
I need to communicate to get on the same page on important stuff.

Before the pages go up in flames!


Just resisting what I must do. Let go.
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Old 05-22-2013, 06:20 PM
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ahh wicked, my dear lovely, I wish I could rent (pimp) out hank for a month or so...I swear he's like the walking embodiment of being yourself. first night we met....during a rather, um, intimate, moment he said....you are such a passionate woman, why can't you tell me what you want?? first time ever someone had SEEN me and GOT me. he has so few barriers, walls, defenses, against the world....for him what happens just.....happens.

evidently the Universe knew I needed some serious help...cuz hank has been like vitamins....he says I did the same for him....helped him be more of who he was meant to be. mind you I was married when we met, we had to deal with crack addiction, and then got to here, at the lakehouse, 11 years later.

here's the thing. had he and I NOT met, I would still have moved and changed and developed. I would not be HERE, but I would be somewhere. hank didn't get me here.....the choices I made along MY path brought me here.
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Old 05-22-2013, 06:22 PM
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I struggle with this too. ABF is the binge drinking sort of A, and we got into a HUGE fight last Sunday. Huge. Since then, he has been dry going on day 3. It will not last until he seeks actual treatment, but whenever he contemplates quitting he is a nervous jerk. He is constant activity and talk and movement... but no real communication. No affection.

Argh.

So hard to leave it alone.

Do the best you can. Coming here and going to Al-Anon helps a lot. In my opinion, detaching is a learned skill, and it doesn't come naturally to most partners of alcoholics.

Good for her though - 80 days is a huge achievement!
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Old 05-22-2013, 11:15 PM
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Wow. Just.. wow

She called me earlier this evening and told me she is no longer in love with me.
She feels like she can never be good enough for me and that we'd be (re)building our relationship on guilt.
All the while she was away she called and wrote about how much she missed me and loved me. Couldn't wait to be back with me. The night she arrived home she told me I was the reason she came back to NJ.
If it wasn't for our relationship and our love she would have stayed in FL.
Since then, as I've been sharing, it's gotten more and more distant.

So much for that, I guess.

Should I assume this is the end? Ironically, it is our 8 year anniv next week.
8 years.

Could I assume this is her emotionally in several different places and learning to live clean?

Basically I am asking is should I reserve any hope for us?

Thanks all,
Very sad night.
Very sad.
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Old 05-22-2013, 11:41 PM
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ahh wicked, my dear lovely, I wish I could rent (pimp) out hank for a month or so...I swear he's like the walking embodiment of being yourself. first night we met....during a rather, um, intimate, moment he said....you are such a passionate woman, why can't you tell me what you want?? first time ever someone had SEEN me and GOT me. he has so few barriers, walls, defenses, against the world....for him what happens just.....happens.
This is...wonderful. Thank you for telling me this because as I said before, I do believe that if if happens for others, it will happen for me.
I just have to keep doing the next right thing. Being me, and being the real me.
Which is pretty good stuff, but improvements always working away.
Less isolation, more connection with life and recovery. It gets better.

Spantoh,
You do sound so sad.
What do you want?
Are you going to Al Anon meetings?

Whatever she is doing, thinking, saying, is all out of your hands.
It sounds to me (and only my opinion) that she has no idea what she wants,
but it is nice to have you waiting on the side lines.

Choose what you want to do.
Wait for her moment of clarity about your relationship?
Or continue to work on yourself and detachment from her and the relationship.

I hope you find less pain as you go on Spantoh.
You sound like a lovely man.
give yourself a chance for happiness.

Beth
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Old 05-23-2013, 05:24 AM
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I'm so sorry for your pain, but sometimes relationships end, period. Sometimes one person just feels like it isn't "right" somehow. That is what happened with me, after a 13-year marriage to a sober alcoholic, who is a lovely man in every way. I just didn't feel "there" anymore in the marriage. It was nothing he had done--he was a good man, good husband, good dad. But you cannot control your feelings if you feel it's not right.

If that is the case with her, my suggestion is that you work on accepting it. Wish her well, grieve your loss, and work on moving ahead with your own life. You DO sound like a very caring man, and you deserve a relationship with someone who appreciates you.

Hugs,
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Old 05-23-2013, 06:24 AM
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You really should go to Alanon, which gives codependents enormous support during periods like this. If you really love her, let her go for a while, she needs to focus exclusively on sobriety.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:34 AM
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I agree with everyone. You will only gain power in this situation when YOU set some boundaries!!! Right now you are letting her make all the decisions, yet there are 2 people on a relationship. Please read Codependent No more. Please go to an open AA meeting. As well as an Al-Anon meeting. Seeing it from all perspectives really enlightened me. I no longer want to be the victim in my life. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know your pain so well. Also remember you have given 8 years to this relationship. Do you want to always get what you've always gotten on it? And something I tell myself everyday" life is what happens everyday" stop waiting on what you want, and realize this day is important to, don't wait on her to find happiness. It's all around you. I know how hard it is to implement these changes. But everyday it will get better. And once you set those boundaries and cease to make her the priority in your life, but instead make yourself the priority, you will begin to feel stronger. Peace to your spirit my friend.
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Old 05-23-2013, 09:35 AM
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Good morning Spantoh. I hope you got some rest last night. Try to do something for yourself today. Take a long walk, have dinner with a friend, soak in a hot bath, go to an AlAnon meeting. Something just for you. (((hugs)))
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