SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/)
-   -   Could use advice (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/295461-could-use-advice.html)

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 06:58 AM

Could use advice
 
Some of you may recall about my job issue of last month--- I was non renewed, then reinstated for next year then got an interview at a different school etc...

Well, on Sat the principal where I interviewed a month ago called me and offered me a job. It's an amazing school (a charter school), I'd be teaching what I LOVE most (social studies to middle school kids vs special ed which I fell into a few years ago and have found it hard to get out of and back into social studies in the traditional public school setting). It's in my town too so no commute.

I met with the principal yesterday and got the official offer and the pay is horrid. Almost as low as my first teaching job ever 15 yrs ago.

To take the job I would HAVE to rely on xAH. I would be dependent on his paying child support. In my current job, a job working for a woman who is vinidictive and in a position I do not love, I am financially fine on my own.

I am so torn. I want to be happy at work since I have to work (what I would like to do is be home with my kids but that's not an option) and being happy with what I do makes me a happier person in general. But I also have a deep fear of taking a job that leaves me financially dependent on a man who has shown he can not be trusted or depended on-- even when it comes to his kids.

I was up thinking about this a lot of last night... I've made lists, I have looked at it (I think) from every which way... I just am really torn.

If I had to choose today I would probably choose to stay in my current job because of the money and I really have no idea if that is a bad idea...

I could use others thoughts.... I feel like my head is cluttered by worry and confusion and maybe I am missing seeing something...

Thoughts welcome :)

LexieCat 05-22-2013 07:08 AM

I took a pay cut to get into an area of the law I wanted to get into. I didn't have the same financial issues you do, but here's the thing. You spend SOOOO much of your life at work, it it worth a TON to be happy there.

You will not stay at that salary level forever. Do you know what the salary increase system is at the new school? It also will get you out of the professional rut you are in, and get you back to doing what you WANT to be doing--making it much more possible you can move into another job somewhere else doing the same thing.

The other thing is that as a teacher, you COULD take a supplemental job during school breaks.

Obviously, my opinion leans toward taking the new job. Your ex SHOULD be paying support--and if he is required to pay through probation, they should enforce it.

Just my two cents.

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 07:16 AM

The new school does not have a salary increase/step system. No union, not part of the state teacher retirement system. It's a LOT of things to give up (financially) but deep down I find myself saying "who cares?!"

I just don't want to be selfish and irresponsible in an attempt to be happy with my career...

The principal knows the salary is a concern and told me to think on it. I am thinking I will contact her at the end of this week or early next and ask if there's any negotiation room. Even though it is local, the hours are longer so I would have to still pay for after school care for D7 so something has to give...

There is a temporary order for support for xAH and he is paying but knowing him, I know NOT to count on him doing what he is supposed to so I have tried for a few years now (even when he was under the same roof) to be sure to have jobs that allowed me to support myself.

Ugh. Why does money have to be a factor. And I find myself being resentful of him about all of this because I left a good job, paid well that I LOVED teaching social studies in another state when I married him. He was supposed to start a business with a friend, I asked to see the business plan and was told it was all set and not to worry... Sure enough I got a job in this new state, we moved and there was no business plan. And for 9 years I have scrambled and had crummy jobs I have not loved but which paid really well so that I could support us while he did jobs that he loved... Now he is getting paid a LOT and is happy in his job and it's because I gave up everything for him to be able to have that....

So, I think all this anger is clouding my ability to make a clear decision too....

ShootingStar1 05-22-2013 07:16 AM

Can you talk to the principal of the new school and say that all that is keeping you from accepting the job is the salary because it will not let you be financially independent? Figure out how much more you would need to have a minimal financial comfort level and see if they can accommodate you.

Or another thing to do, and where it is a charter school and not a public school with legal salary step scales and all, is to ask if you can have a review after the first semester for a x% raise.

And a third thing is to see if there are any extra assignments that you could take on for a stipend - maybe running a club, or sports or music, if you are so inclined.

Maybe there is some kind of work - office work or administrative or curriculum planning - that you could do PT in the summer.

They already have decided they want you. And if they get you, they also don't have to keep on going with the search, so they are motivated to make this work.

Expect that they will want to work this out, and approach them with that attitude and when you express what are very genuine needs, you may be surprised at what they can do.

This will also get you back into the mainstream of teaching regular classes instead of special ed, and in the future, if you just can't make it on this salary, you will be much better positioned to get the kind of job you want in a regular school system.

ShootingStar1

Tuffgirl 05-22-2013 08:29 AM

What does your gut tell you?

dandylion 05-22-2013 08:38 AM

Dear wtbh, thinking outside the box---Is there ANY way you can think of to augment the salary that the "New" job would pay?? Necessity is, after all, the m other of invention.

dandylion

CentralOhioDad 05-22-2013 09:23 AM

I certainly wouldn't depend on AXH to provide any means of support - you are on your own. Even if it's ordered, it could take some time for enforcement to kick in.

I would try to negotiate something higher on what you need, not what you would LIKE to make at this point.)

Obviously the decision is all yours, with consideration to your child, but you have the financial stability now, along with the long-term retirement aspect. All that will be gone, and there is no guarantee you'll ever recover from that.

Just my 2 cents, reagrding your many cents.

C-OH Dad

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 09:39 AM


Originally Posted by Tuffgirl (Post 3978279)
What does your gut tell you?


That I should stay with what's safest which is the current higher paying job...

There is no way to quantify job satisfaction though and I really have to wonder how much 'value' there is in my being happy at work vs dreading getting up each day...

I don't know what I will decide. I don't have to decide immediately so I have time to think and I guess I need to do more of that...

I used to teach middle school Social Studies and LOVED it. I moved into Special Ed bc it paid better when I returned to teaching after staying home with the girls and that was what AH wanted me to do. I passed up several jobs I wanted simply for one that paid more because he was hell bent that I owed it to him to do that since I had stayed home w the girls for a few years...

I have been miserable in my jobs for the past few years. I have no passion for what I do and it definitely impacts my entire life...

I guess I need to either change my attitude and MAKE myself like what I do or choose what I love and find a way to make it work monetarily...

Sorry to be so whiny.. I just resent that I have to choose between stability OR being happy all bc AH is an a$$ and can't be relied upon to do what's right by his kids...

Guess I am having a pity party day....

I was so excited about the job offer and simply stunned by the appallingly low salary. I had already envisioned myself working there bc I figured the salary would be decent since it's a public school... So I am just reeling with disappointment... And ultimately will make the responsible decision which probably will mean staying in a job I do not love.

Tuffgirl 05-22-2013 10:06 AM

WTBH, with all due respect, it seems to me your gut is saying something different, because everything above is your head talking. And as a long-time single parent, I understand your financial concerns. I have lived this life for over a decade now, including unreliable child support.

However, I refuse to have a job I don't like. Lexie is right - it is a huge amount of time and emotional investment. I am actually looking at a similar situation here right now, only its choosing between a job I love that doesn't pay well for a job I might love that pays fantastic! And I am grateful I can choose! Haven't decided yet...

Take your ex out of this decision. Being angry with him is complicating it. Play the tape forward - what if you scrimped and saved and clipped coupons for a year to take this job and see how it goes? By now, you have some special ed experience under your belt, right? You could go back to that if this isn't quite up to par, right?

Picture what it would be like to go home every day happy and content. Will you get that where you currently are? If not, take the new position. Believe me, it will all work itself out. I never ceased to be amazed at how much I worry and fret over that never actually happens!


I'd be teaching what I LOVE most (social studies to middle school kids vs special ed which I fell into a few years ago and have found it hard to get out of and back into social studies in the traditional public school setting).

I used to teach middle school Social Studies and LOVED it
To me, this is your gut talking. Notice how much of an emphasis you put on "love".

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 10:18 AM

TG-

I am being brutally honest right now... this is what I am thinking...

Yes I would love to take the lower paying job BUT I have so many "what if's" and those are making me think that I should stay and be unhappy professionally but at least have certainty of how to pay everything each month.

That's cowardly isn't it?

I feel like I am doing with work what I did with my marriage-- I am afraid to leave something that SUCKS because at least it is familiar...

What is gnawing at me most of all is this voice in me saying "how selfish can you be WTBH to even THINK of taking a job paying $15,000 less all because you want to teach a different subject- it's NOT about you-- it needs to be about your kids".

I don't know if that's common sense, if that's my ex's voice, if it's craziness or what but THAT is what is causing me the most distress.... I am listening to that voice and having a hard time arguing with it... Is that crazy?

Tuffgirl 05-22-2013 10:23 AM

No, its not crazy, its realistic. Taking a financial hit is something to consider very carefully. But instead of thinking its a BARRIER, try to reframe it as a CHALLENGE to over come. What could you do differently in your life to afford to take a hit? Can you downsize? Find care for your kid that is free? (i.e. child care swapping - did this a lot in the early years, even though it meant my weekends were spent watching other people's kiddos) Sell an expensive car for a cheap one? Cancel cable? Qualify for any support services, i.e. child care, etc.?

Look at it from that standpoint - what CAN you do to make it work, instead of it simply being CAN'T.

And lastly, as a single parent, you owe it to your kids to be happy yourself. A happy Mom is an engaged Mom.

LexieCat 05-22-2013 10:27 AM

I think if you take the new job you will find a way to make it work.

If you stay where you are, you will continue to feel this is something you were forced into, that you never wanted in the first place. The decisions of the past will continue to rule your life and I don't think that can help but have a negative impact on the quality of your life and, by extension, your children's lives.

Kids are better off, I think, with parents who feel happy and whole than with having material things. You guys can make it financially. It might mean some drastic belt-tightening for all of you IF your ex doesn't pay (that's still not clear, either). But you aren't going to be homeless or eating out of a dumpster.

It can be a huge inspiration to kids to see their parents making a satisfying life for themselves. Especially in the face of other challenges. Do you want to teach your kids that they should never take risks, even ones that could better their lives dramatically?

I think you ARE sort of tending to cling to the "safe" option, which is understandable, but ultimately will hold you back. I think taking a little bit of reasonable risk under the circumstances would be a healthy thing to do.

Again, you are the one who has to live with the outcome, but if you were excited about the offer and the prospect of the job, that is not something you should dismiss as selfish.

LaTeeDa 05-22-2013 10:37 AM

Your situation is obviously yours and not mine. I cannot tell you what you should do, but I will share my own experience.

When I was married to XAH, I took a job that paid very well for the area. Subsequently, I got some major raises and ended up being pretty much the sole support for our family. He worked only enough to support his habit and play. When I divorced him, I did not ask for child support because I knew I could support my children and didn't want to chase him for a check each month. He agreed to sign over the house, which has since lost all it's equity and is teetering on underwater status. My boss retired and the new one was the biggest jerk I have ever worked for. Changes came down at all levels of the organization I worked for and my once-fulfilling career became drudgery. I hated getting up in the morning and sat at my desk all day wishing I were somewhere else.

Because of budget cuts, an incentive was offered to all employees for separation/early retirement. They gave us one week to decide. I ended up taking the offer. My monthly pay went from over $8K to $1500. I am currently negotiating with the bank for a mortgage modification. I have cut my monthly expenses to the bone, and I still struggle with having enough to last through the month. My ex still pays no child support even though he has since landed a job that pays around $70K a year.

And you know what? I've never been happier! I would do it all again if given the chance. Struggling financially is oh so much better than struggling emotionally. JMHO.

L

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 10:38 AM

Lexie- Yes he is paying child support -- there is a temporary order- probably will remain exactly as it is when/if this is ever finalized... So yes he is paying (though very little bc I make close to the same as him right now)... He would have to pay more if I make substantially less and I am letting my worry about how he might react to that control me I guess... I don't think I realized that until I typed it out-- hmmm....

I am excited by the offer and prospect... I have a lot of thinking to do I think :)

wanttobehealthy 05-22-2013 10:49 AM


Originally Posted by LaTeeDa (Post 3978452)
Your situation is obviously yours and not mine. I cannot tell you what you should do, but I will share my own experience.

When I was married to XAH, I took a job that paid very well for the area. Subsequently, I got some major raises and ended up being pretty much the sole support for our family. He worked only enough to support his habit and play. When I divorced him, I did not ask for child support because I knew I could support my children and didn't want to chase him for a check each month. He agreed to sign over the house, which has since lost all it's equity and is teetering on underwater status. My boss retired and the new one was the biggest jerk I have ever worked for. Changes came down at all levels of the organization I worked for and my once-fulfilling career became drudgery. I hated getting up in the morning and sat at my desk all day wishing I were somewhere else.

Because of budget cuts, an incentive was offered to all employees for separation/early retirement. They gave us one week to decide. I ended up taking the offer. My monthly pay went from over $8K to $1500. I am currently negotiating with the bank for a mortgage modification. I have cut my monthly expenses to the bone, and I still struggle with having enough to last through the month. My ex still pays no child support even though he has since landed a job that pays around $70K a year.

And you know what? I've never been happier! I would do it all again if given the chance. Struggling financially is oh so much better than struggling emotionally. JMHO.

L

LTD- :thanks
Thank you for sharing your story from the trenches...Truly. I have taken jobs for the past number of years based on $ and providing for my family and NOT on my satisfaction... My worth has been tied to my ability to provide since my worth as a person has been nill (that's how I have felt-- I know it's nuts). So, hearing that someone else has taken a big cut in pay and managed to survive and that it CAN be okay... I have a lot to think about...

"Struggling financially is oh so much better than struggling emotionally"... That is a great quote and one I need to give a great deal of thought to.

My priorities are always my girls but I think that I have worried more about financial stability than I have worried about the emotional toll on them of their mom being miserable and I think I need to reassess priorities...

skippernlilg 05-22-2013 10:54 AM

WTBH: I don't know if you remember me, but I'll quickly tell you: I'm the single mom with a now 12 year old son. We have had very spotty receipt of child support through the years and nothing in the past year. I am in school full time learning an entirely new career because I was so unhappy in my former career life. I'm living off a student's part time salary right now, very poor financially, but VERY RICH emotionally. My son and I have never been happier. Just thought I'd let you know.

Bluegalangal 05-22-2013 11:02 AM


Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 (Post 3978193)
This will also get you back into the mainstream of teaching regular classes instead of special ed, and in the future, if you just can't make it on this salary, you will be much better positioned to get the kind of job you want in a regular school system.

ShootingStar1

That's my thought, FWIW. I would not want to be dependent on him and I would be very worried about it, BUT does this job open up some future possibilities you don't have currently? Thinking down the line?

4MyBoys 05-22-2013 12:24 PM

WTBH,

OK, I know you are in another state so you might not have the same resources but here in CA I did not give my husband the option to not pay me. We have a local service that is run through the county. I submitted my temporary orders and they had his wages garnished within the month. My attorney just told his attorney it was her idea. So there was no option. If I was waiting for him to pay me if would never happen. (He never pays his half of daycare currently, so that will be added to the garnishment also)

If I remember correctly your STBX has a steady job. Maybe a service like this would be a good option for you. It would give you piece of mind for supplementing your income if you chose to take the other position. As long as he is working, he does not get the choice not to pay you. The service costs me nothing and they direct deposit right in my account. Try Googleing your state and "Child Support".

4MyBoys

marie1960 05-22-2013 01:45 PM

My personal experience,

Anytime I have made a decision, where I allowed money to be the deciding factor,

I SCREWED MYSELF, ROYALLY!

There are so many ways nowdays to supplement your income, you just have to find a niche that works for you.

I have a couple teacher friends that do tutoring, one has a seasonal summer job at a swanky restaurant, and one is a rep for a home party based product. She is actually doing quite well.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

I believe you will make the right decision for you and your family

TemporaryUser 05-22-2013 08:32 PM

You are in a tough spot, but it sounds to me like you really want the new job. Being an independent woman myself, I'm queen of cutting back. It doesn't matter what you make, but how you manage it. I don't know your debts, but can you make cuts? For example, I refused to pay the increase of a cable billbill so I researched tv antennas... I have 26 channels for free! I got out of credit card debt 15 years ago thru Credit Counselors (a reputable one). Maybe its time to get creative on expenses. I,m sure there are sites to help with ideas. I didn't read every single response so if this is a duplicate idea, I apologize. Anything we enjoy doing never seems to pay, but I can say that job happiness is priceless. Good luck and take time to think about it. Always negotiate higher salary. Always! There was article on ***** just today about that.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:56 AM.