Honeybean

My AH has been gone over a month now doing his recovery in Florida. He is flying home today to attend our youngest daughters graduation from elementary school. I am picking him up and bringing him home for a 3 day stay and he will be going back to continue his treatment. I know he has been working hard and saying all the right things but they are things I have heard before and it's hard to trust a liar. I'm nervous about seeing him but not excited? I think he has expectations that I want him back but I'm not really sure if I do. I love him but I'm not sure if I am still in love with him. He has hurt me so much that I don't know if I can go forward with him. I have built a fortress around me so he can't get through my iron-clad will not to be F'd over again. When I hear him speak it's like blah-blah-blah and nothing sinks in my head. We have a child who needs him but he's been such a self-centered & destructive person - do I really need to subject myself or her again? I have been fine on my own and taking care of business! Yes, there are periods of sadness but overall I have been working my program & becoming stronger every day. I don't want him to see me weak as his tells me his sob story and my heart breaks for what could have been. How do I trust a liar? How do you move forward together as a couple? Can I or do I really want to go back? I need words of wisdom as I face down this day of unresolved feelings. I down not want to blow up like a cannon/I am tired of being angry. If any of you have had to face the question of Do I or Don't I want to give him another chance, please share your wisdom with me... Thanks

Katiekate

Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal.

It's a tender time for you, what is important is that you keep your boundries, or define them if you have not.

Be compassionate with yourself, it's okay for it to be about you, that stuff that is about you. If you need space during his visit , take it.

Of course you don't trust him, and it is fine to let him know that you don't.

His acceptance of what you are going through will say much about his work in the program.

You are allowed to feel safe.

lillamy

Briefly: remember that you don't have to resolve it all today. All you have to do today is get through today.

Rehearse your responses.

"I do not think we should discuss the future as long as you are in treatment. You need to focus on your recovery and I on mine. More coffee?"

And keep your boundaries. Tell him if you don't want to talk about what he brings up. Remember that NO is a complete sentence.

You don't have to know everything right now. More will be revealed. Be patient. I know how we all want to flip to the last chapter to see how it ends. But it doesn't work that way.

unsureoffuture

I feel the exact same way! My therapist wants me to stage an intervention with my AH to get him into treatment for the sake of the kids. My AH has never tried any treatment but I know once I threaten divorce and custody he will most likely go. I have dealt with this so many years and I am just worn. I too have built that "iron wall" and am not sure I even want this man anymore. I have all those same feelings you have. The what if's and the how much longer can me and the kids take this if the reality is that most do not get better. The lies, the trust how is that rebuilt. I don't know but just want you to know you are not alone.

Honeybean

Thank you both for your posts. I needed that. It's funny that today seems to be filled with reflection and words of comfort as I travel through this day. I am calm and at peace when I woke up this morning I was filled with anxiety and uncertainty. God is guiding all of us and I know that what will be will be and I am ready to face whatever comes my way and I'll be OK. Love to all

akalacha

My A left last summer to get treatment. We stayed in touch by email and phone. It was horribly hard for me at first. But I learned to cope on my own and began to enjoy the stress/drama free life I was beginning to have. Just as I was starting to get my life back he told me he was coming back (five months later). At first I was excited thinking now that he was in recovery we could once again have the good life we'd had before his drinking got out of control. But the more I thought about it the more I started to panic at the thought of having him back. The time before he left was a nightmare that I never want to experience again. He had broken my trust and I didn't know if that was possible to fix. I was finally feeling at peace and enjoying life again. I told him that he could not live here but we could see each other and take it from there. He came back, got his own place and we started seeing each other for coffee, lunch, etc. I'm happy he's sober, I'm glad we can be on good terms, but I found I had no desire to spend my life with him again. That part is over, I've moved on. You don't have to make a decision right now. I agree with katiekate and lilamy. Make and keep boundaries, take care of you and your recovery, more will be revealed.

ShootingStar1

Remember, just because somebody asks you a question doesn't mean you have to answer.

You get to choose when and how and if you get into a discussion about the future with your AH. Not him.

If you want to leave open that possibility, it would be helpful to say whatever you can that is genuine and positive. Maybe "I am proud of you for taking what I imagine is a very hard step to get into treatment and start to get better. That gives us a possibility for a future together that wasn't there before. I am also working on my own recovery. I need to get a lot farther into that before it will be productive for me to talk about the future."

ShootingStar1

Honeybean

Akalacha-

Thank you for your words of wisdom. We seem to have a lot in common. I plan on taking this slow and easy. I will stand my ground and yet I want to have a nice visit. I know that it is too early to trust a word that comes out of his mouth because he still thinks he can charm me into believing that we will be OK if only I would let me come home for good. He will promise to stick to his program and share his experiences with me and that I will be doing this for the good our marriage and our family. But from experience comes knowledge that this time the choice is mine not his. My recovery is finally more important to me than him...

dandylion

Yes, Honeybean, BOUNDRIES;BOUNDRIES;BOUNDRIES You don't have to enter into any discussions that you don't want to. As suggested--perhaps have three or four ways to deflect any attempts of his to suck you into such discussions. Rehearse them in your mind. Simply cutting him off with "That discussion is premature, right now" OR "I'm not going to discuss this right now" OR "I am working on my recovery and am taking it one day at a time"...etc..... If he persists--sometimes, detaching and leaving the room or the area works.

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

Thinking of you today-- if he is really taking recovery for real and working a program he will be getting the message that expecting anything of you (or anyone for that matter) is a recipe for resentment and is not something that should happen. You have every right to doubt and not trust him and it's my opinion that those who go into recovery need to accept that EARNING trust back is a part of the deal. Just because he's stopped drinking doesn't mean you have to or should give him trust. It took a long time to destroy it, it will take a long time to earn it back.

I think that humility seems to be a key to recovery-- my xAH never once had an ounce of humilty or ability to think about others... That told me that he would never be interested in recovery. Pay attention to the actions or your AH and I think that will tell you a lot.

Honeybean

Thanks everyone! I am about to leave to go pick him up and I'm nervous but I know that this morning I gave all my anxiety and worry into the universe which led me here this morning and I know that no matter what I will be OK. Wish my luck and I'll touch base soon.

PaperDolls

Sending love and hugs your way!