Yet another cycle to grieve and let go
 

Since I left my abusive AH last July 4th, and finally came to agreement with him and jointly signed the divorce papers a couple of months ago, I have felt much freer. I have done so much recovery work since I left him, and begun to put in place the beginnings of a new happier life.

Over the past few months, my STBXAH has seemed to begin to grasp the enormity of the consequences of his abusive behavior, and the finality of my leaving. He has apologized and he has asked me to come back. I have said no, and I have not told him where I am living, or anything about my new life.

Now we are working together cooperatively to get our jointly owned house - that he has lived in alone since July - ready to put up for sale as soon as possible. He has cut way back on his drinking, and that is evident because his thinking is not psychotic as it was when I fled last July.

There is a huge amount of work to be done to get the house ready to sell, and since most of the value of the house was awarded to me in the divorce, it is important to me that the work get done. My STBXAH is again taking pride in the house, which he loved, and is working very hard to fix it. I am pleased and proud of his efforts. I am working hard on the house and it is looking better each day.

I am driving the long drive up to the house frequently, and see that I will have to spend extensive time there in the next two weeks to get done what I need to do.

I do not want to go back to him. I do not want to go back to the house, though I loved it and essentially re-built it in three major renovations. I do not even want to drive back to that State, and when I leave, I push "Go Home" on the GPS with pleasure and relief.

But I am again seeing some of the best parts of my husband. We are again sharing some of the best parts of our marriage - the ability to work together as a team in a big project. His humor is back, and he is the best I have seen him in years.

So at times I feel massive grief again that all this happened and I feel the pull back to the best parts of what we were together. He told me that he is sorry for what he did, that he is so sorry he was such a jerk. I agreed that he was. I said he had no idea of the emotional devastation he caused for me, and said no more. He has quietly asked me where I am living, and I just reply that there is no need to talk about that.

I stood on the deck and looked over the railings at all the gardens I worked on and loved coming into bloom, and I cried.

What I didn't expect is that I am again making the choice to leave him. This time, when he is not abusive, when he is not at his worst, when he is not a raving raging incoherent drunk incapable of any rational or respectful behavior at all.

I am contented on my own. I like the new life I am building. I like living in a community that has lots of artists by the ocean. I am making friends. People seem to like me.

But I loved him deeply, profoundly for 20 years, despite all his abuse and my loss of myself. Now I can see again why I did, and that makes it all the harder, that makes the grief and the loss all the deeper as I leave him again.

It is especially hard because while I am contented on my own and very proud of myself with all I've accomplished since I left, I miss having a man in my life to share with. I miss being married. Not because I am dependent, but because I am lonely. I liked sharing my life with someone.

I am not going back. That is not what this post is about. Given the depth of despair I felt and the profound loss of myself and the loss of my belief in myself as an independent, worthy, self-reliant, happy person when I was with him, I could not go back with any belief that I would survive as whole as I am now becoming on my own. I can now understand and own much more of my own role in the devastation that our marriage became.

But it is hard, very hard, to go and do what I have to do at that house and find myself enjoying his humor, enjoying the easy-going pattern of working together that has re-emerged.

I think that he now understands the consequences of his bad behavior in his own life. He has lost a very good, loving, committed woman. He has lost my grown children forever. He has lost the home and land he loved.

I do not think that he can understand what the costs were to me, and I expect that he will never be capable of that kind of empathy. If he were, he wouldn't have done what he did in the first place.

He has not done the emotional work of recovery that would be needed to feel that, if he were to have me back, he wouldn't slide right back into the domination and de-valuing me in order to aggrandize himself that got me into this mess. I do not see that he has dealt with the resevoir of rage that he carries; he has already had and ended a relationship with another woman in great anger because she tried to control him.

I am clearer about who he is, and that he has the right to be who he wants to be. I am clearer that I am no longer who I was, and I understand that, were we to re-engage, my clarity about who I am and what I will live with and what I won't would eventually enrage him. I am clearer about what in me let me fall under his control and domination.

So it is yet another passage to endure. At every turn in the road, I find another transformation that I must make as I seek to become whole. I left him so emotionally abused that I fled with some terror and the determination that I needed to live without him in order to not lose my soul.

Now, I have to leave him again, this time, despite his quiet and subtle entreaties that I come back, because I need the freedom and peace to become who I need to be.

Oh but it hurts. It hurts so bad.


My psychiatrist said: Beware of the Cheshire Cat - he is most dangerous when all you can see is his smile...

Thank you ShootingStar...I send you all the positive things I can (hugs, thoughts and prayers) to help you through this. Be strong through this process and know you have support.

I just responded to a post from Nanoo, and then came to yours...you both give me such hope that whichever way our paths go we can be okay. The experiences posters share is so helpful, I can't thank you and all the others here at SR enough. All the best!

Sending prayers and comfort your way. Think with the head, not with the heart and just get on the other side of this. You are strong!

:supernan

Wow, you are something special, ShootingStar.

Even in your sad times, you have ability to offer strength to others.

Thank you once again, for your heartfelt words.

Wishing you peace, my friend.

ShootingStar1,

People seem to like you because you are likeable.
Delightful. Perceptive. Intuitive. Brilliant.
Thank you from my heart for your posts and this one especially.
Keep doing you. It will work out for the best.

Beth

Thank you all. I really need to be comforted tonight.

ShootingStar1

You are such a strong and inspirational example of what it means to put yourself first and to keep moving forward.

It is hard to leave someone who you shared so much of your life with, especially when he seems to be showing more of who he used to be when things were good. Unfortunately, as you already identified, it won't last and sometimes two people just can't be together in a healthy way.

Keep moving forward, this was such an inspiring post that even when you are hurting you are still able to see the situation for what it is and put your needs first. I hope to be so clear headed one day.

Hugs to you, Star,

What helps me at times like this is to remember that sometimes people come into our lives for a reason. Even when it ends "badly" maybe while they were there they did something good for us. When we're in the middle of the chaos everything gets so confusing--the good and the bad. With distance, I've been able to appreciate some of the good aspects of these men, while not losing sight of the fact that staying with them would have been impossible and very, very bad for me. Very few people in this world are "all bad".

I hope you both find a measure of peace in your lives going forward.

ShootingStar1-

Thank you for your post. It is inspiring to know that we, the survivors can and will move forward with a healthier perspective on life. It is true that when we do the work on ourselves things become so crystal clear and God is guiding us through all the pain and hurt to the other side which I find personally peaceful. You are a survivor and have many wonderful years ahead of you. When one door closes another opens...

Thank you for sharing because I know all of us at some point feel unsure of our choices and the regrets we may ponder. None of us ever expected or chose to be in this situation. WE cannot control the actions of others only ourselves. You mentioned that he "cut down" but did not completely quit. That speaks volumes in that the potential is ALWAYS going to be there for the drinking to increase and the behaviors to begin again. You know the cycle-honeymoon phase to right back into heavy duty drinking. It is hard in that deep down you see that man he was when you married but he is no longer that man and cannot be unless he commits to complete sobriety and works on his issues that cause him to drink. It sounds as if you have done a fabulous job of taking care of yourself. I am just beginning the process and you are an inspiration to me.

Maylie said pretty much what I want to say to you also. Yours is really an inspirational post about courage and clarity, and one I'm sure I will return to again and again when I need a refresher on those two qualities.

Thank you so much for posting this.

I am teary reading your post. I am in awe of how strong and healthy and whole you are. I hope to be there myself one day. It must be so hard to be sharing moments that are good with your ex and still know that he is not good for you. I don't know that I would be strong enough to stand firm if I saw my ex improving (no hope of that so it's a hypothetical). I am going to save your post in my personal folder on my computer so that if a day comes that I doubt my decision to be done with my ex I can read your eloquent post.

Thank you for this post.

You sound good, ShootingStar. Clear-headed and strong.

It is such a lovely image to me. XAH apologizes, you work and laugh together, you remember what brought and kept you with him, you see how you are stronger on your own.

Bravo!

You are AMAZING, ShootingStar.

Thank you SO much for taking the time to share this episode of your recovery. You have such a beautiful, empathic way with words that I feel like I am standing right beside you seeing what you see & feeling what you feel.

:You_Rock_

Does SR have an "Auto-Thank" function so I can just go ahead and set it up for all of ShootingStar's posts? ;-)

And so this time, you make the decision consciously, soul-led, and standing in the clarity of truth. You loved him well, you love him well as you leave, and you will send blessings out to the Universe that his path may be blessed for the best and greatest good. This brings to mind for me one of my favorite poems, Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken":

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Blessings on your road, ShootingStar~
posie

LIKE!
:c031:

I know you have no idea, how can you, but I really really needed to hear this right now.

And your new home sounds lovely and peaceful and WHAT YOU DESERVE NOW.

Powerful, powerful post. Thank you.

I could feel the emotion and grief in your post. Sending you hugs and cyber support today as you move through your weeks and on to your new life. Be at peace with where you are, ShootingStar, you are doing great and your honesty is truly a blessing here.