Crazed

Just getting over being sick for 5 days, and it is black skies and raining. Havent spoken to her in weeks, but the last short conversation we had she told me she made promises to her counselors that she would have no outside influence while in rehab this time around... I.e no conversations with me. She then told me she loves me, misses me and thinks about me every day.

If that was the case, why wouldn't she pick up the f'in phone in her room and call me? Why does it seem like it is easy for her, and that I am viewed as the cause of all this (assuming this is why her therapists are insistent on no contact with me)?

LexieCat

Oh, man, Crazed.

Look. If she is following the recommendations of her treatment professionals, that is a GOOD thing. It means she is finally following instructions. It does NOT mean that she doesn't love you, miss you, and think about you every day. She can do ALL those things, and not pick up the effin phone and call you when it is not good for her recovery.

Now, the fact that getting distracted by your relationship while she is in rehab is not good for her (she NEEDS to CONCENTRATE on getting well, not on her relationship right now) does NOT mean ANYONE thinks you are the "cause" of her drinking or her relapses. It is her own distractibility and failure to focus on her recovery that is causing her problems. It isn't you, personally--it could be ANYONE she is involved with. She keeps getting derailed because you two can't seem to let go long enough for anyone to get well.

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well. I suspect that's feeding a lot of your emotions right now. You've been doing much, much better lately.

Can you get out of the house and do something to take your mind off her for a bit?

Tuffgirl

I can't say it any better than Lexie.

I obsess. A lot. I really have to make a point of NOT obsessing and distracting myself with other things/activities/etc.

It isn't easy - my crazy head can spin round and round. But I know when it spins, I am usually creating drama where no drama needs to exist.

Let it go, for now. It doesn't have to be forever, just for now.

Peace, Crazed. I hope you feel better soon.
~T

Hammer

Ok, If we cut away the wrap, we get down to the crap . . . .

HER Crap is not about YOU.

That is why Her Crap is called HER Crap.

If it were Your Crap, it would be called YOUR Crap.

See how that works? It is a pronoun thing.

But I follow your concerns, as I had some similar crap dumped on me. Strangely and supposedly from T's and what nots whom I had/have never met nor ever talked to. Only common point I found was Mrs. Hammer in these stories and tales of woe, so I kind of figured out the source of the Problems.

Her Problems, she did not want to own or clean up. But all-in-all -- Not MY (watch those pronouns) Problems.

But let's go back to the very first day of the very first walk-in the door at Alanon -- btw, are You staying up on YOUR (notice the pronoun, again) meetings?

Did you see a sign on the wall that said something like . . . .

YOU (great pronoun in this case):

Did NOT Cause It.
Cannot Control It.
Cannot Cure It.

Crazed

Thanks all for getting me grounded. I was heavily obsessing yesterday, and really wanted to talk with her. I miss her a lot- or at least the good parts of her, and the sober person I thought she would become.

Today will be a better day.

Hammer

We ALL do. I hear you real loud.

Don't know if "she" and the "we" will ever make it back.

Dunno.

Maybe it never really was.

Dunno.

Maybe it was a dream.

Dunno.

Amen.

By God's Grace, and our willingness to make it so.

FireSprite

Hey crazed, I know how those crappy days feel.

Hammer pretty much summarized what I was thinking, it's hard not to take it personally but you can't. Her recovery isn't anything AGAINST you.

Also, it's kind of an assumption that you're making when you think that it's easy for her to not pick up the phone & call you.

Have you read the Four Agreements? It's not for everyone but 2 of the 4 basic tenets are:

Don't take things personally
Don't act on/make assumptions

When I originally read it I thought, whatever, I DON'T take things personally, I DON'T make assumptions. And then slowly it started to make sense because I started to examine it more closely when these things happened.

Did she SAY it's easy for her? Do you have any concrete proof of knowing that? Nope, your making an assumption disguised as an educated guess. When I find myself doing this, I take a step back & ask myself, "What do I KNOW to be TRUE about this situation?"

Usually I know very little & my assumptions are based on my emotions. It's somehow easier to let it go when I've already proven it "untrue" in my mind. With practice, this little tool has helped me shorten my ride on the carousel of crazy thinking when RAH & I are at odds or miscommunicating.

Crazed

Thanks.

Firesprite - I definitely take things personally and jump to the worst assumptions/conclusions. But unfortunately my instinct has more times than not proven to be right. But I have also been wrong at times

I know absolutely nothing. I have been living with blatant lies from EXAG on every front which got worse and worse until she finally crashed. At this point, I don't even know if I believe her when she said she loved me and missed me.

Tuffgirl

Crazed - I have had a hard day today myself. And for similar reasons that you describe - being shut out by someone I care about and not understanding why.

It is a lousy place to be in...wondering what the heck is going on.

But Firesprite makes good points above, and I too need to heed that advice. I am in a position of ONLY making assumptions, and of course, like all other human beings, my tendency is to assume the worst. I am taking it personally, I recognize this.

He hurt my feelings. There. I said it out loud. And that just plain old sucks.

But this too shall pass. Rationally I realize this is all within my control...these feelings I am having. I can't control how he chooses to behave. But I can learn from it, and make a conscious choice to not treat people this way, as well as choose to let it go.

Hope today is better for you.
~T

SolTraveler

I have nothing to add except that I too know what it is like to feel shut out and to obsess about it. I find solace in being busy when I can't stop my mind from turning.

(Hugs)
Alex

FireSprite

I totally get that! When my RAH was actively drinking I felt like his "ways" (lying, manipulating, gaslighting) only allowed me to act based on assumptions. Everything was always so vague & subject to interpretation. If I asked how long it'd be before he got home, he'd respond that he was leaving the job pretty soon & on his way. In his line of work, his "job" could be as close as around the corner (5 min) or up to 50 miles from home through the worst seasonal traffic (3+ hrs). With the way he'd answered the question he'd avoided committing to anything specific & built in playtime to drink or do whatever the hell pleased him until he felt like making an appearance. No matter HOW I interpreted his response & no matter what expectation I made based on it, I was setting myself up for failure & I always came off looking like the raging lunatic. My instincts would be going off like alarm bells & I would just ignore, ignore, ignore.

My only solution was to stop asking & expect nothing. When I expected nothing something kind of clicked & allowed me to understand what detachment really meant. I stopped fighting with myself - when my instincts would scream I stopped ignoring them, acknowledged something was wrong but out of my control & that not a single bit or worry or anger or thought about it at all would make even an ounce of difference. And that freed me of the responsibilty to try & fix it, which I didn't even realize was weighing on me.

I still loved him very much & mourned the loss of what we had once been, but I wasn't letting every single part of my day become swallowed by thoughts & concerns of him & where he was, what he was thinking, why he was doing the things he was doing.