Summerpeach

I've been really good over the years and having 4 yrs of consistent Al Anon under my belt that has helped me to detach from others and stop enabling. The amount of ppl I've cut out of my life is staggering, but this one friend just keeps coming back every time I walk away. With a new story, a new promise.
When she is not high, she is the most loving soul (aren't they all) and when she sees I am detaching, she becomes verbally abusive, needy, and mean (she does this to others as well).

As for the OP, I can only say, with my other friends who are active addicts who cause chaos, I've done two things; for some, I just cut them off (they could have cared less if I did) and others I detached and saw/spoke to them when I had to.
This one friend I am talking about in your thread is really needy and I am so relieved when I just "cut her out of my life" but she always comes back with "I'm getting help, I am better, I miss our friendship" and being the good codie I am, I believe her.
I've tried the detaching with her, but sometimes, the best bet with someone super active in addiction is to cut them out totally.
I guess it's like a spouse, you just have to go no contact in order to heal.
In my case, I know I need to cut this person out, but just having a hard time with how I do it to get the least drama from her.
Good luck, I hope you can figure it all out

LexieCat

Summer,

Sometimes friends have to be "divorced," too. It's OK, you aren't the only person in the universe who can be her friend. If she does get well, she will make new friends. Friendship should be a two-way street. If one person continually gets dumped on, it isn't reciprocal.

This isn't a one-time crisis you are helping her through. It's an ongoing problem that only she can fix. If she is draining you dry you have every right to walk away for your own well-being, and to tell her the friendship is OVER. You can wish her well, but tell her you are DONE.

peacedove

lexie

good point on having to divorce friends sometimes, too. through this dealio with learning about codie tendencies and behaviors i've even distanced myself from some of my own now. more of a "pull me down" situation than lift me up one and who needs that. don't have to do it in a drastic way either--just let go of too much interaction pretty much. one lives out of town so it was mostly an email thing or texting but constant chaos involved versus "hi, how are you? let me tell you something cool i saw or something neat..." nope...through this i've learned DELETE the texts--no response at all from me--and the emails? well, read them and if i want to respond, i do, if i don't then i don't. no reason to waste energy or thought time for some people who just insist on drama of some sorts at all times. good things do come from bad experiences and we are able to apply the techniques across the boards in our lives. kind of cuts down on number of people actively in your life but i'm finding i'd rather have a couple of great ones than alot of nonsense ones. that's my take on it today, anyway!

Lily1918

well as far as detachment goes, I have not only had to distance myself from alcoholics and addicts, but also other codependents who are not in recovery as well.

for me, at least, the insanity os the same if not worse.

MilaWhite

It's not really what my thread is about. It's just about your people's opinions about cutting someone out of your life, because they are addicts - nomatter who they are or how long they have been sober.

And it's not about detachment either. I am asking about the advice of cutting someone out because that is the advice I got. There was nothing about detachment.

wicked

So, you want an opinion on someone else's advice about your life? (your brother?)

wicked

delete

I asked to delete this. I do not understand. Obviously.

skippernlilg

You received advice to cut your brother out of your life and you want opinions from us. Is that correct?

From my experience, "cutting someone out" because they are "addicts" is akin to this statement, which sounds disciplinary to me: "You are not in my life because you are an addict."

What has worked for me, after I accepted a Higher Power, has been to realize that my actions really do not affect the stage of the addict's addiction one way or another. I hardly notice! That's the point. I have practiced detachment by defining what BEHAVIOR is acceptable for me to live a peaceful life. I have drawn realistic boundaries and I have understood that those boundaries are important for MY well-being. Most of my relationships have healed in some way (most of which I could never have predicted) as a result. That was the by-product and not the goal.

I learned these things through the tenets of Al-anon. This is where I learned that the notion of "If I do A, my alcoholic will do B" is just crazy making.