Can I notify employer of parent’s alcoholism and abusive actions at home
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by atalose 
If I am reading this correctly – you know someone who drinks and has tendencies in HIS MARRIAGE to become angry and abusive………and you want his employer to do something about it?????? What is the wife doing about it?
You state a public safety concern – has this person been abusive or an angry drunk at work?
If I have this correctly this person is doing what he does on his own time in his own marriage and you are assuming it will one day happen at work so you are taking CHARGE of what YOU PRESUME to be HIS ISSUES…..is that correct?????
You state a public safety concern – has this person been abusive or an angry drunk at work?
If I have this correctly this person is doing what he does on his own time in his own marriage and you are assuming it will one day happen at work so you are taking CHARGE of what YOU PRESUME to be HIS ISSUES…..is that correct?????
If drinking at work (as has happened), there is a possibility that their actions / inactions could have dire consequences (again... part of the cabin crew for a major airline). If driving home from work, where they had been drinking, and they kill people, this could also have dire consequences outside of killing people.
I would rather have a parent out of work than enabling a worse situation.
Here is the rub... if anything were to happen, like wrongful death, civil actions could be taken as a means of financial recovery. I do not want the actions of one parent to destroy the life of the other. I do not want one parent to lose a home due to the other's accident. I want to sever as many ties as possible and yes, if I could take the job (which enables his drinking, by the way) out of the equation, I would do it.
Again, I am dealing with a parent. I don't presume to know what he does at work or has done at work or before driving home from work. I know. It was all covered in the first rehab and the first run through the EAP system.
I wasn't posting to look for ways to coddle, support, or destroy one parent.
I asked if anyone had any experiences, legally, with taking possible concerns to an employer.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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bajabob,
I don't think any of the posters here are being condescending. I think what you are reading is simple disagreement with your proposed tactics.
All of us here have had some kind of experience with addictions; ourselves and/or loved ones. It sucks. I know this firsthand. 7 months ago I held the hand of my long-time best friend while she died from alcoholism. My marriage was ruined by it. I have a mentally ill Mother who drinks like a fish.
I hope you find what you are looking for in regards to your situation. My only other suggestion would be to have a very frank talk with your other parent about their options. They don't have to live with an angry and abusive drunk if they don't want to. That is probably the only person in which you have any influence over right now.
Good luck to you,
~T
I don't think any of the posters here are being condescending. I think what you are reading is simple disagreement with your proposed tactics.
All of us here have had some kind of experience with addictions; ourselves and/or loved ones. It sucks. I know this firsthand. 7 months ago I held the hand of my long-time best friend while she died from alcoholism. My marriage was ruined by it. I have a mentally ill Mother who drinks like a fish.
I hope you find what you are looking for in regards to your situation. My only other suggestion would be to have a very frank talk with your other parent about their options. They don't have to live with an angry and abusive drunk if they don't want to. That is probably the only person in which you have any influence over right now.
Good luck to you,
~T
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
consequences
On one hand it's good that you are thinking about this. But on the other you now gave yourself a damned if you do or damned if you don't choice. With consequences either way. You have opened a broken door you will have to close.
Hate to say it but only the alcohol use would be the only thing you want to bring up to a third party employer period. Most airline employees or theoretically union members should have alcoholism/rehab programs available to them. If you do turn in the parent call anymously to the airline on a phone near the airport. Say you just left the airport and you noticed a possibly drunk pilot board flight number x. There will be consequences for yourself and parent. The parent if a hardcore alcoholic might not take kindly to being suspended or fired go on a binge, drive drunk and actually kill somebody-because you turned in him. It's personal choice to drink and fly/work with grave safety issues at hand.
Personally if they are drinking to the point of alcohol breath or drunk behavior I can't believe sooner or later that an airport, airline or a tsa employee wouldn't eventually pick up on that. Or if that abusive maybe a tip to an abuse line. The abuse seems to be what directly affects you. The working drunk affects others. If anything I would start with what directly affects you. If an investigation is done may the authorities would turn in the parent. But again a parent under investigation on a tip from family might not react well, drink even more and go out and harm somebody on the ground.
Good Luck!
Hate to say it but only the alcohol use would be the only thing you want to bring up to a third party employer period. Most airline employees or theoretically union members should have alcoholism/rehab programs available to them. If you do turn in the parent call anymously to the airline on a phone near the airport. Say you just left the airport and you noticed a possibly drunk pilot board flight number x. There will be consequences for yourself and parent. The parent if a hardcore alcoholic might not take kindly to being suspended or fired go on a binge, drive drunk and actually kill somebody-because you turned in him. It's personal choice to drink and fly/work with grave safety issues at hand.
Personally if they are drinking to the point of alcohol breath or drunk behavior I can't believe sooner or later that an airport, airline or a tsa employee wouldn't eventually pick up on that. Or if that abusive maybe a tip to an abuse line. The abuse seems to be what directly affects you. The working drunk affects others. If anything I would start with what directly affects you. If an investigation is done may the authorities would turn in the parent. But again a parent under investigation on a tip from family might not react well, drink even more and go out and harm somebody on the ground.
Good Luck!
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Maylie
"My job / role is that of a son who is watching a disease take one parent and turn them into a direct threat to another... legally, physically, mentally... The other parent has been the support system and subject of abuse and they performed this 'job' admirably and patiently."
I think that your response quoted above should show you that contacting his employer is inappropriate.
It is clear that your concern is for the parent and not public safety. Getting someone fired because of what the person does in his or her PERSONAL life is controlling and completely out of line. Reporting someone who you THINK might have a couple drinks at the end of his shift is just wrong. Also, if he was getting completely drunk and was the person flying the plane, then sure that would be a public safety issue but even then you would not bring in the abuse at home.
To be honest, it seems like you are bitter/mad and you are trying to punish him. You cannot start forcing someone's life to fall apart in order to "help" the person get to his or her bottom.
Do you go to meetings or personal counseling for yourself? Instead of focusing on the A in your life it would be more beneficial to work on letting go and accepting that you cannot control other people and that every adult is allowed to life his or her life as he or she feels fit.
I think that your response quoted above should show you that contacting his employer is inappropriate.
It is clear that your concern is for the parent and not public safety. Getting someone fired because of what the person does in his or her PERSONAL life is controlling and completely out of line. Reporting someone who you THINK might have a couple drinks at the end of his shift is just wrong. Also, if he was getting completely drunk and was the person flying the plane, then sure that would be a public safety issue but even then you would not bring in the abuse at home.
To be honest, it seems like you are bitter/mad and you are trying to punish him. You cannot start forcing someone's life to fall apart in order to "help" the person get to his or her bottom.
Do you go to meetings or personal counseling for yourself? Instead of focusing on the A in your life it would be more beneficial to work on letting go and accepting that you cannot control other people and that every adult is allowed to life his or her life as he or she feels fit.
I'm not really bitter or mad at this point. This has been ongoing for quite some time, but we just started to see it escalate recently and fear the aftershock when the alcoholic hits bottom. I'm on damage control.
Nope, no meetings or counseling. I'm not focused on the alcoholic. That part will work out when they are ready. I'm looking to take what action I can to protect the sober one. The sober one also has decisions to make, but that is where I play the supporting role. I listen to, am there for, empower, and support the sober one.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
It is hard when we know someone is drinking and driving because you are right, it is really dangerous.
It is a hard position to be in to know because the way our system works basically is that you can't get your license taken away until you get caught by the police drinking and driving and sometimes by that point someone has already been hurt.
I suppose if you knew for certain someone was drinking and driving you could report it to the police and they would pull him over?
As for protecting the sober spouse from legal/financial problems the only way to find out would be to go talk to a lawyer and tell them the whole situation. Maybe there are options such as keeping money in a bank account with only her name on it so it can't be touched if he gets sued, or making sure the car he drives is under only his name with his own insurance to separate her from him? I am only speculating here and in no way shape or form am saying that any of these things would work or be what a lawyer would say. I'm just bouncing ideas around.
It is a hard position to be in to know because the way our system works basically is that you can't get your license taken away until you get caught by the police drinking and driving and sometimes by that point someone has already been hurt.
I suppose if you knew for certain someone was drinking and driving you could report it to the police and they would pull him over?
As for protecting the sober spouse from legal/financial problems the only way to find out would be to go talk to a lawyer and tell them the whole situation. Maybe there are options such as keeping money in a bank account with only her name on it so it can't be touched if he gets sued, or making sure the car he drives is under only his name with his own insurance to separate her from him? I am only speculating here and in no way shape or form am saying that any of these things would work or be what a lawyer would say. I'm just bouncing ideas around.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by thequest
Hate to say it but only the alcohol use would be the only thing you want to bring up to a third party employer period. Most airline employees or theoretically union members should have alcoholism/rehab programs available to them. If you do turn in the parent call anymously to the airline on a phone near the airport. Say you just left the airport and you noticed a possibly drunk pilot board flight number x. There will be consequences for yourself and parent. The parent if a hardcore alcoholic might not take kindly to being suspended or fired go on a binge, drive drunk and actually kill somebody-because you turned in him. It's personal choice to drink and fly/work with grave safety issues at hand.
Personally if they are drinking to the point of alcohol breath or drunk behavior I can't believe sooner or later that an airport, airline or a tsa employee wouldn't eventually pick up on that. Or if that abusive maybe a tip to an abuse line. The abuse seems to be what directly affects you. The working drunk affects others. If anything I would start with what directly affects you. If an investigation is done may the authorities would turn in the parent. But again a parent under investigation on a tip from family might not react well, drink even more and go out and harm somebody on the ground.
Good Luck!
Personally if they are drinking to the point of alcohol breath or drunk behavior I can't believe sooner or later that an airport, airline or a tsa employee wouldn't eventually pick up on that. Or if that abusive maybe a tip to an abuse line. The abuse seems to be what directly affects you. The working drunk affects others. If anything I would start with what directly affects you. If an investigation is done may the authorities would turn in the parent. But again a parent under investigation on a tip from family might not react well, drink even more and go out and harm somebody on the ground.
Good Luck!
I do see that there are other paths to take prior to taking things to such an extreme right off the bat. I may be willing to deal with the effects of what it may do or cause, but you bring up a valid point that I may not be the only one that would have to shoulder the same effects.
I'm in Afghanistan, so it has been tough to find things that I can do to help from this side of the globe. I'm good at pulling the pin and letting fly, so I thought I would field the idea with people that may give me another way of looking at the issue prior to taking resolute action.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You keep mentioning that you are dealing with a “parent” instead of a co-worker as if that carries more consequences or something.
What you fail to mention is the “other parent” and what this parent is prepared to do to protect him/her self and child from the consequences of this person’s drinking.
If you are so concerned about this other parent losing everything then you are working on trying to fix the wrong person in this equation.
What you fail to mention is the “other parent” and what this parent is prepared to do to protect him/her self and child from the consequences of this person’s drinking.
If you are so concerned about this other parent losing everything then you are working on trying to fix the wrong person in this equation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Maylie
It is hard when we know someone is drinking and driving because you are right, it is really dangerous.
It is a hard position to be in to know because the way our system works basically is that you can't get your license taken away until you get caught by the police drinking and driving and sometimes by that point someone has already been hurt.
I suppose if you knew for certain someone was drinking and driving you could report it to the police and they would pull him over?
As for protecting the sober spouse from legal/financial problems the only way to find out would be to go talk to a lawyer and tell them the whole situation. Maybe there are options such as keeping money in a bank account with only her name on it so it can't be touched if he gets sued, or making sure the car he drives is under only his name with his own insurance to separate her from him? I am only speculating here and in no way shape or form am saying that any of these things would work or be what a lawyer would say. I'm just bouncing ideas around.
It is a hard position to be in to know because the way our system works basically is that you can't get your license taken away until you get caught by the police drinking and driving and sometimes by that point someone has already been hurt.
I suppose if you knew for certain someone was drinking and driving you could report it to the police and they would pull him over?
As for protecting the sober spouse from legal/financial problems the only way to find out would be to go talk to a lawyer and tell them the whole situation. Maybe there are options such as keeping money in a bank account with only her name on it so it can't be touched if he gets sued, or making sure the car he drives is under only his name with his own insurance to separate her from him? I am only speculating here and in no way shape or form am saying that any of these things would work or be what a lawyer would say. I'm just bouncing ideas around.
I'll have to reach out to a lawyer to see what steps can be taken proactively.
Thanks,
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by atalose
You keep mentioning that you are dealing with a “parent” instead of a co-worker as if that carries more consequences or something.
What you fail to mention is the “other parent” and what this parent is prepared to do to protect him/her self and child from the consequences of this person’s drinking.
If you are so concerned about this other parent losing everything then you are working on trying to fix the wrong person in this equation.
What you fail to mention is the “other parent” and what this parent is prepared to do to protect him/her self and child from the consequences of this person’s drinking.
If you are so concerned about this other parent losing everything then you are working on trying to fix the wrong person in this equation.
Not to be a ***** about it, but I would not care so deeply or be so invested in the issue if it was a co-worker's family problems.
I'm working with the sober one, thanks. My OP was more of a legal question if anyone had any experience with a course of action that I saw as viable.
Again with such judgment and condemnation…
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Consider this, too. Getting him fired from his job would not prevent him from driving drunk or engaging in other irresponsible behavior that could affect your mom.
IOW, it would not have the effect you are hoping to achieve. Moreover, even if the employer were to force him into treatment, THAT does not provide your mom with any real safety or guarantees.
I agree that consulting a lawyer about all possible options is probably the safest course. And for your own well-being, and that of your mom, I hope you will both consider Al-Anon. Great way to learn how to protect oneself from the fallout of having an alcoholic in the family.
IOW, it would not have the effect you are hoping to achieve. Moreover, even if the employer were to force him into treatment, THAT does not provide your mom with any real safety or guarantees.
I agree that consulting a lawyer about all possible options is probably the safest course. And for your own well-being, and that of your mom, I hope you will both consider Al-Anon. Great way to learn how to protect oneself from the fallout of having an alcoholic in the family.
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
Please heed my story and even though I am sure you are well intentioned, just ask yourself if YOU are willing to suffer for trying to get help for your loved one who is an A.
I wish I had had the wherewithall to ask about what I was planning to do before I did it and had listened to advice I might have received.
I wish I had had the wherewithall to ask about what I was planning to do before I did it and had listened to advice I might have received.
I'm trying not to act without weighing the consequences, but several of you have brought up a point that I had not considered... I may be willing to suffer, but there may be blow-back for others.
I am listening to what is offered. Thanks again,
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Consider this, too. Getting him fired from his job would not prevent him from driving drunk or engaging in other irresponsible behavior that could affect your mom.
IOW, it would not have the effect you are hoping to achieve. Moreover, even if the employer were to force him into treatment, THAT does not provide your mom with any real safety or guarantees.
I agree that consulting a lawyer about all possible options is probably the safest course. And for your own well-being, and that of your mom, I hope you will both consider Al-Anon. Great way to learn how to protect oneself from the fallout of having an alcoholic in the family.
IOW, it would not have the effect you are hoping to achieve. Moreover, even if the employer were to force him into treatment, THAT does not provide your mom with any real safety or guarantees.
I agree that consulting a lawyer about all possible options is probably the safest course. And for your own well-being, and that of your mom, I hope you will both consider Al-Anon. Great way to learn how to protect oneself from the fallout of having an alcoholic in the family.
Thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 17
ALCON,
I appreciate the feedback. Reaching out to a lawyer prior to taking extreme measures may be the best bet, especially when I won't be on the receiving end of the majority of the flack from said measures. Plus, my actions may cause more problems for others. Check.
Hate to cut out on the discussion, but I'll be mobilizing shortly and will be offline for a while... limited connectivity and time.
Again, I appreciate the feedback provided and wish you all the best.
v/r
I appreciate the feedback. Reaching out to a lawyer prior to taking extreme measures may be the best bet, especially when I won't be on the receiving end of the majority of the flack from said measures. Plus, my actions may cause more problems for others. Check.
Hate to cut out on the discussion, but I'll be mobilizing shortly and will be offline for a while... limited connectivity and time.
Again, I appreciate the feedback provided and wish you all the best.
v/r
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Wanted to add I've experienced the work place drunk at almost every job I've ever had. To be there for any length of time it usually takes enabling. Meaning you tip off the employer the first thing many companies do is talk to individual's supervisor and chain of command. If they are covering for them already they might do it again. They might be part of the problem or roadblock. Tip lines and formal complaints generate paperwork(written statements that puts stuff in stone with legal ramifications) and investigation interviews. In other words it's not just one call or letter making it someone else's problem.
Also it's been my experience that no one beats the test of time. Sooner or later if this person is bad as you say they will get caught and they will suffer consequences. It's frustrating having to endure a family or workplace drunk until they get caught/ hit bottom but in the end they will get it.
Focus on keeping yourself safe so you can put your efforts into others.
Again, Good Luck!
Also it's been my experience that no one beats the test of time. Sooner or later if this person is bad as you say they will get caught and they will suffer consequences. It's frustrating having to endure a family or workplace drunk until they get caught/ hit bottom but in the end they will get it.
Focus on keeping yourself safe so you can put your efforts into others.
Again, Good Luck!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I have experienced living with an alcoholic husband who is unemployed.
His drinking increased. His rages increased. My fear increased. Our savings disappeared.
You want to help your mom? Keep the drunk employed and out of the home as often as possible.
His drinking increased. His rages increased. My fear increased. Our savings disappeared.
You want to help your mom? Keep the drunk employed and out of the home as often as possible.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by bajabob
This may not appear to be very supportive, but does anyone have experiences with legal ramifications for informing an employer of a parent's alcoholism and abusive tendencies in a marriage (angry drunk).
Public safety is a concern. If drinking while on the job (which has happened), he puts people in danger.
Thoughts / feedback?
Thanks
Public safety is a concern. If drinking while on the job (which has happened), he puts people in danger.
Thoughts / feedback?
Thanks
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
The Sober One. I'm her. I'm The Sober One. Well, not in your situation, but in ours. While your actions would seem noble at first blush, please consider that The Sober One is also The Sick One. Focus on her. Alcoholism is a family disease.
Think of this: Cutting off a gangrene foot from a body has repercussions for the entire body for the rest of your life. Cutting it off with a buzzsaw without professionals is dangerous, unwise, and has repercussions you may not see from now.
Take special care of yourself and The Sober One. She's hurting. She's tired of seeing more hurting.
Think of this: Cutting off a gangrene foot from a body has repercussions for the entire body for the rest of your life. Cutting it off with a buzzsaw without professionals is dangerous, unwise, and has repercussions you may not see from now.
Take special care of yourself and The Sober One. She's hurting. She's tired of seeing more hurting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
The alcoholic is brining, fermenting, in his/her own process. Let it happen to HIM?HER. Get yourself well.
Your Sober Parent could fill out all the paperwork for a Restraining Order, and keep it on file in a safe place at home. SP could talk to a union rep from the airline. Al-anon, church, domestic violence hotline. Install a breathalyzer starter on the car.
If your sober parent is frozen in immobility and you are a minor, you can contact a school counselor. If over 18, you could move out, etc, etc.
You can't control alcoholism and alcoholics. But sometimes, when those of us around them choose to stop trying to control their disease, and start getting ourselves well, they MIGHT choose to get better. You sound angry and I don't blame you. alcoholics **** me off, too.
Your Sober Parent could fill out all the paperwork for a Restraining Order, and keep it on file in a safe place at home. SP could talk to a union rep from the airline. Al-anon, church, domestic violence hotline. Install a breathalyzer starter on the car.
If your sober parent is frozen in immobility and you are a minor, you can contact a school counselor. If over 18, you could move out, etc, etc.
You can't control alcoholism and alcoholics. But sometimes, when those of us around them choose to stop trying to control their disease, and start getting ourselves well, they MIGHT choose to get better. You sound angry and I don't blame you. alcoholics **** me off, too.
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