MTSlideAddict

I had a therapy appointment earlier today, so I left the house. My AH seemed alert when I had left, but he appeared to definitely be hurting from the night before's drinking. I went to my appointment and did some grocery shopping after, so I was out for like two and a half hours. When I returned he was up and he was going back and forth into the garage. I'm pretty confident that he has a stash of some kind of alcohol in there as well as in his car. He paid little mind to me, as he walked by. I knew then he started his drinking time again. I just went about my business cleaning the kitchen and so forth. My niece came home from school and she was all excited about how she had picked up her grades. Her progress report was nearly all A's and B's. She was sharing the news with him, but he acted like he didn't care. She knew it then that he had been drinking, but she tried again in sharing some news about what she had heard about her parents and the CPS case regarding her little brother. She is civil with her parents. He kind of cut her short and made a snappy remark. She just dropped it. Then, he wanted all of us to go to a local Italian food restaurant and share the family platter for dinner. Normally it would have been nice, but with how he seemed to be in such a negative mood fueled by alcohol I told him that I wasn't hungry and that I didn't want to do that. It would have been an uncomfortable dinner for both me and my niece. He insisted that I drive there and that we do it despite what I had just said, so I just told him that I really didn't want to drive there. He got mad, and said, "fine I guess we won't go." He laid down on the couch and fell asleep.

I kind of wanted to get out of the house, and thought it would be neat to go look for a gift for my brother's soon to be born baby girl. My niece wanted to come, so we proceeded to leave. My AH woke up as we were walking out the door, and started saying, "that's not cool." "You'll drive there, but you won't drive to get something to eat?", he asked. I told him that I wasn't hungry, but I just wanted to go look around at this baby store. He repeated with the that's not cool remark. My niece and I left anyway. He then proceeded to call my phone. I didn't answer, so he started texting my niece's phone. She responded back to him. He was going on and on about how we didn't consider him, and how it wasn't right that he was being so disrespected. I told her not to engage in the texting, but she texted back anyway.

Then he called her, and that's when things went from bad to worse. She answered and he told her that she had an attitude with him, and he wasn't gonna have that. He said he was going to take away her phone, and that he was about to call her parent's and just have them pick her up. All that was definitely extremely hurtful to my niece. He had told her once that if her parents were to try to take her back without her will, that he would fight for her. He promised her that he would be there for her. He knows that threatening to send her back home is the most hurtful thing he could do. That is the exact kind of stuff my AH talked so bad about that her dad does to her. Her dad would say one thing. She would get excited, and feel good about herself. Then he would claim she had an attitude, and then take away that one thing. Like when she was "allowed" to work, but then he took away her money and forced her to quit, because she had an "attitude." That is how she has learned to not trust anyone's word. She blew up AH.. She told him that she was tired of his drinking, and that he had broken a promise to her. She said that he was being very harsh to her, and that she didn't want to talk to him when he's been drinking. She then hung up. He texted her, "I haven't been drinking, but since you're accusing me then I'll just go get something now." He followed that text with another saying that he was calling her dad.

She texted her dad telling him not to pay attention to phone calls from my AH, and that he had been drinking. At the same time my AH was calling her dad. He was still calling me over and over in between too. I eventually took a phone call from my AH, because it was getting worse with my niece being the target. I wanted to get her out of his sights, so I finally picked up one of his repeated calls. I lost it. This anger had been building and when he started the conversation yelling I just lost it. I know it probably did no good, but I just ripped him one. I felt a bit better afterwards. I told him that he needed to leave us alone and that he is being fueled be alcohol, and that we didn't deserve that. He tried denying his drinking with me, but I wouldn't let him speak until he confessed. He finally confessed, and eventually we both calmed down, especially when I explained on how his words are really hurting our niece. At the same time that I was having this conversation with my AH my niece's boyfriend was breaking up with her on their phone call. Quite an emotional time it was. She felt like the world was crashing down on her. When I told my AH what she was going through he began to show sympathy. I told him that I wanted to get off the phone, and that we were gonna try to relax for a bit. He finally let me get off. Not sure how much of the conversation he'll remember tomorrow.

Next, I get a call from AH's dad. Apparently, my niece's dad called their dad to inform him of my AH's drinking. Great... Now, I get this phone call, and my AH's dad is concerned and questions me as to why I didn't call him sooner. He wants to know what all is going on. I tell him as to what happened tonight, because I'm not going to lie and he's probably heard it already. What a mess. I felt kind of sucked into that one. He wanted to confront him tonight, but I had told him it wouldn't be a good idea. Apparently, he's coming by tomorrow to talk to my AH. I'm so done with drama.

When my niece and I got home AH was passed out. She went to try to relax after a hard hurtful night. I, on the other hand, discovered that my dog peed on the bed. When she gets nervous she won't leave the bedroom, and she typically looks to the bed for comfort. She must have been so nervous she peed there too. Poor thing. I changed out my bedding and tried to give her plenty of love. Right now she is content after playing fetch, rip the stuffed kitty, and wrestle. She is cuddled by my side sleeping soundly.

This weekend I finally asked my brother if it would be alright for me to stay with him for a bit. Then I think I would look into roommate situations. A plan is in progress to make my exit. I think my next step is to help my niece get her driver's license so she wouldn't be stuck here without transportation capabilities. I wish I could take her when I leave, but she wants to stay at her school. We talked about it. I also have to think about what I'm gonna do with the cats. I can't take them either. My dog is coming with me.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. Typically I'm pretty wordy, but this really turned out to be quite a vent.

unsureoffuture

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It is so hard to see the person you love be so mean due to alcohol. Great job recognizing it and calling it for what it really is. You and your niece and the dog dont deserve that. You did the right thing by leaving and doing your best to not engage him when he is drinking. Keep the focus on you. You deserve better. My DH keeps his stash in the garage too. He thinks he's so slick going out to the garage 52 times a day to drink like I don't know what he's doing. I'm also getting a plan in place to leave.

DirtyRiverMan

That story makes me sad. Sad for your Neice, and for you.

I was much like your AH and caused my wife much grief and stress over the years by acting like a jerk. There was no excuse for it and I would give anything to go back and say I am sorry for all those drunken times. But it is too late for me. She is gone.

Drunks can be so mean. You deserve better!

LexieCat

Oh, MTSlide, I'm so sorry--what a miserable evening. You handled it so, so well, but you must be completely exhausted.

Glad you are strategizing to get out. And it sounds as if your niece at least knows what is going on, and if she ever needs to get out she has at least one reliable adult in her life.

Many, many hugs. I hope today feels more peaceful.

SolTraveler

I am sorry too Your poor niece. And your poor dog - so funny how they pick up on the problems. I told my ABF once that even his dog knew he had a problem.

At least his behavior may have been the final straw, right? Imagine how nice it will be when you are finally on your own and you don't have to deal with this stuff.

choublak

You may have to eventually get a restraining order against him.

LexieCat

Um, it doesn't sound to me like he's done anything that would result in an order being granted. Being an unpleasant jerk is not a basis for a restraining order.

Restraining orders are appropriate when one needs PROTECTION. They aren't a solution for an unhappy alcoholic relationship.

choublak

He hasn't done anything that would result in a restraining order being granted, yet. My point was to be aware.

The compulsive repetitive calling is definitely a behavior that could escalate and get to the point of needing a restraining order, especially if he's calling other people (like the niece). The phone calls may well turn into unwanted "visits" once they are living apart, etc.

It happened between my parents...my father was a compulsive caller, and then when my mom finally put her foot down and had had enough, he started showing up at her house, her workplace, restaurants she frequented, etc. So she got a restraining order on him.

Just my experience...

Justfor1

A friend of mine who is a cop once told me that the types of people who get restraining orders against them are the very same types of people who will violate them. While restraining orders are necessary they are not fool proof.

PurpleWilder

How far away is the place you want to move to from where your niece goes to school? Sometimes schools will make residency exceptions in extreme cases.

MTSlideAddict

It's about 30 miles. It's also in a different county. My brother doesn't have another extra room though, but she is welcome. She is my niece by marriage and I do love her. We have bonded quite a bit, but she is still closer to her uncle. She wants to stay. She has friends here in the neighborhood and close by. She rides the bus to school, and works minutes from home. She has her own room, and I think she is just now feeling stable despite her uncle's drinking. She is saving up to buy her own car, and after last night I signed her up for driver's Ed. She'll be eighteen this October, and she needs to be able to transport herself regardless of anyone else's addictions.

Things are much more peaceful today. My AH must be feeling pretty bad; he's been sleeping all day. I'm here at the house doing my own thing, and he has barely moved. His dad texted me and is planning on coming by after work. I'm a bit anxious to that. It has nothing to do with me, but for some reason I feel that my AH may end up blaming me or our niece for his dad's knowledge of his loss of sobriety. I guess I'll just let things happen as they will, but I do not want to play 50 questions with my father-in-law. This is my AH's side of the street, and his business as to what he tells his dad. I will not lie for him either, so I'm anxious as to how to handle this upcoming confrontation. Any thoughts would be welcome.

LexieCat

I think your gut instinct is right. Tell his dad that you are working very hard at not interfering in your husband's relationships with other people, and that it makes you uncomfortable to be in the position of "reporting" on his life. You COULD tell him that for your own well-being you are thinking you are going to have to step away. What happens between them is between them. I think you can, however, legitimately express your concerns about your niece, since she is presumably his granddaughter.

Hugs, I know how uncomfortable these situations can be.