Roxxxy

Hello all,

Thanks to all community readers for visiting my post. Just a friendly note, before reading this post I suggest you read my previous post titled "12 months to long!" to have an overall view of both posts put together. Thank you and happy reading!

Let me first add, that I'm grateful for finding such a great place were I can vent, be confused, ask questions, express.. etc.. and at the same time grow as I'm given another day to become even stronger, to listen and try to understand why I became a victim. Likewise, why this terrible disease (alcoholism) has taken over so many people, especially those we completely love.

Per my last post titled "12 months to long!" Yes indeed 12 months to long it was and what an experience it was. Per hell on a daily basis I tell ya. Sure their were some good times but the reality of it was that the negatives outweighed the positives in the relationship. For the most part, I have always been the kind of person to take an experience in life and not classify it as a "mistake" but rather than a lesson learned, and an experience grown, and also curious in understanding why, why, and why?

Here's a question I'm sure many of us can relate to. If I was miserable on a daily basis why did i continue to stay in the relationship as long as I did? Why didn't I detach the ball and chain sooner? Was I really codependent?

Speaking for myself, the answer is YES I was really codependent, in the unhealthy kind of way. In what I have learned their are two types of codependency is a relationship. The healthy kind and the unhealthy kind. Every relationship needs to have a codependency relationship, otherwise their is no relationship. So what type of codependent relationship is a healthy one? It is were both partners in the relationship can relate to one another such as, acknowledging their feelings, respecting them, understanding them.. etc. Whats an unhealthy codependency relationship? It's were denial, low self esteem, compliance and control patterns are being used by the codependent self consciously. In other cases such as mine, always trying to fix someone, their broken heart, addiction to drugs, depression, etc. That is just out of the good nature of me. But what I realized is that people don't want to be fixed, they'll fix themselves when and if they want to. Therefore, I was codependent in my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend because in some way I was always trying to fix him... in helping him get a job, his depressed walking zombie attitude and then once I realized he was an alcoholic, his addiction to alcoholism.

So.. what did I get in return during my codependency? Nothing! Just complete neglect towards myself. I also learned that someone who is codependent in a relationship has problems acknowledging their own issues. For example, were emotions ever discussed in your family growing up? Mine weren't, they were always sweep underneath the rug.

With that being said, before you try and fix someone maybe it's you who has to fix yourself first (acknowledge any deep issues) that way your 100% healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. This will lead to a healthy codependency relationship rather than a unhealthy one.

Sueski

Hi, Roxxy! I forget where I read it, but the healthy codependency is also called interdependence. Pretty cool concept, actually. I mostly have The Other Kind, though!

I think, for me anyhow, that I get to feel like I'm a good person by acting codependently. Sometimes, I slip across into moral superiority and/or martyrdom. Not good. I'm working on it. I totally agree about fixing ourselves. It's tough, though. Hard to even recognize what I'm doing in the heat of the moment.

This is such a great place to learn and get support. Welcome! I'm glad you found it.