LeSigh

hey guys..

i know i don't post that often, but i do read read read.

you have all been an amazing guide and such a kind group without even knowing it.

i've been having a tough few days. a quick recap since i'm not so regular.

STBXAH moved out in nov last yr after 14 months of marriage. i was done done and done. which meant i could be very clear on what i wanted, needed and expected from him, and with the help of the resources here at SR, things have gone largely according to plan. been focusing on myself, taking things easy, living quietly. allowing myself to feel the feelings, understand they will pass, focus on my work (which I love) and the wonderful people around who have been so supportive.

we have not been in much contact, save for 2 meetings since nov, and one phone call.. a bit of texting, which ended about 6 weeks ago when he finally crossed into angry stbxah and started blame shifting towards me. I recognise there are things that I could have done differently, with the benefit of hindsight, but i know i did not make him drink. i stopped replying 6/8 weeks ago.

so. working on me, taking it gentle, being kind to myself.

but its lonely. and tiring. i've tried a few al-anon meetings, but they don't feel like the right fit. i'm a fairly committed atheist, and the idea of letting go and letting god makes me itchy inside. i am doing okay with just the letting go bit for now, and finding the peace and serenity in simple things like a good walk, or taking myself out for a coffee or a drive.

in the past few days, its felt like I've made really good progress in moving forwards with the reality of the nuts and bolts, though it has been painful to take the necessary steps..

saturday - i emailed the solicitor and told her to go ahead with the separation agreement. felt pretty sorted for the week leading up to writing the email, but the moment i pressed the send button, tears tears and more tears..

sunday - i had to clear out some personal items from my workplace (its very homely and personal / messy space, so i schlepped about 4 big boxes of vases, doilies, sewing machines and vintage sewing patterns home!). my boss's wife was a bridesmaid at our wedding, and when it was over we went straight on honeymoon. she kindly gathered all the table flowers which were dried arrangements, and brought them back to the office. when i got back they were nicely arranged in our office window, and they get loads of compliments when people visit us <awkward!> while i was clearing out my other bits and pieces, i took the time to pack them all away. i was sobbing pretty hard, and chucking them all into a black bin bag at the office door, when the business owner from next door passed by and saw me snivveling. she stopped to ask if i had a cold, i burst into more tears and told her what was happening.

although I'm a cynical old atheist, it does seem sometimes that the universe sends you what you need.. just at the point of overwhelming grief, someone came along to lighten the load.

i told her the reason for the marriage ending, and it turns out shes been married to an A for 15 years. she reassured me I was doing the right thing, with such a short marriage and no kids.. she kindly offered to take the bin bag of wedding flowers away and throw them out for me.

today - i get home to a card from STBXAHs parents, the first contact in 6 months, saying how sorry they were to realise we wouldnt be getting back together, but that they understood the reasons, and wished me well..

and then i was checking my calendar for something else, and i realised it is STBXAHs birthday. we got engaged 3 years ago today. thinking back, my rose tinted view falls away. we got engaged in a ******* of a mood as he had failed to turn up to join me and my friends the night before, because he was too drunk to make it. i really caught myself a prince there. if i'd not checked the calendar, i would have forgotten, so that has to be a good sign for the recovery within..

anyway.

oh well. it is what it is. i won't be contacting him today, as tempting as it might be to lift the rock and see what is going on under it. i value the peace too highly, its not worth going there again.

so i'm whittling away the hours till its late enough for an early night..

sorry for the long post, it somehow helps to write it all down, i know some of you might understand a little of what i feel, and then i mightn't be so lonely. that will help while i wait for the rest of my life to heal around me.

thanks for reading guys..

x

AnvilheadII

as tempting as it might be to lift the rock and see what is going on under it.

well said.

neferkamichael

LeSigh, you are FANTASTIC.

lillamy

Good hard painful work.


I'm not an atheist. But even the staunchest atheists I know have been able to cling to things like "more will be revealed" - because you don't need to believe in a deity for that to happen...

I know Al-Anon meetings are very different. At mine, people may or may not mention "higher power" or "God" - its certainly not a central aspect of our meetings... But I've also heard of meetings that appear to be more religious in nature.

One of my Al-Anon friends who is a devout atheist (she calls herself that ) says "I kind of figure that when I go to a doctor, I don't care what his belief system is, and when my car breaks down, I don't care if my mechanic is a Hindu. So I decided if Al-Anon can fix me, I don't care if there are people there who worship something they can't convince me of. As log as it works, that's good enough for me."

I don't know if that helps any - but I just thought I share it.

LeSigh

It does help, thank you lillamy..


I think I can maybe get behind the idea of a higher power being anything that is just not "me".. It seems to be a way of expressing our understanding that we aren't in control.. I feel like maybe, if I can really understand and feel peaceful in knowing something is not in my gift to fix/disect/clean/worry over, then perhaps that is what step 3 means for me..

Maybe it's just the place I live, most of the meetings near me are in churches, or alternatively some scary parts of town.. I'm reading Paths to recovery independently, and in spite of my atheist traits, it does seem the world is conspiring to support me in its own way.. Chance conversations and openness are allowing me to find the support.. Because I have made the firm decision that the relationship is over, I think I have freed myself of some of the guilt and shame that is often experienced in an alcoholic relationship.. I am open and honest with those on my "side" of the relationship and it has brought some strange co-incidences to light.. For instance, the window cleaner for our office is the man who has given me his copies of paths to recovery and the other book with the daily readings.. He checks in on me when the office is quiet and we have some great conversations about coping, living and finding joy in life without the A.. He's been in al-anon for 15/20 years and has seen it all..

Funny how the world turns..

Thanks again x

Sueski

Good job, Lesigh.

LexieCat

LeSigh (love that name!),

It sounds to me like you are doing very very well. I'm dead serious.

And I think you are on you way to having a spiritual experience--which really has nothing to do with religion. I have very amorphous ideas about who/what "God" may be (I tend to think there is SOMETHING, but I don't think anyone can come close to really conceptualizing Him/Her/It), but I took a great deal of comfort on Buddhist philosophy when I was newly sober. For me, so much of what helps is just getting out of my own damn way. When I do that, I discover (like you) that things and people that I need tend to appear. Maybe it's that I can really see them for what they are because I'm not looking for something that fits what *I* think they look like.

BTW, the fact that meetings are held in churches have NOTHING to do with any kind of religious "flavor" of the meetings. AA and Al-Anon have traditionally held meetings in those spaces simply because the church is willing to provide the room and the rent is usually nominal. A meeting held in a Catholic church isn't likely to have a "Catholic" flavor, nor would one in a synagogue have a "Jewish" flavor. It's just meeting space.

And, in my experience, every Al-Anon group does things a little bit differently. And obviously you will have some individual members who talk about religion because that is what Step Three means to THEM. I've gotten very comfortable going with the flow and letting other people express their beliefs without feeling that they have to influence my own.

You're doing great--keep it up!

LeSigh

Thanks lexiecat!


Tears and a lumpy throat to be told I'm doing well..

And I know what you're saying about church meetings not being churchy.. I grew up in a conservative religious family, went a bit more evangelical in my teens, studied religion in an academic setting, but when I was 19 or so, it was like I finally realised the emperor had been diddled and his new clothes were really his birthday suit! I grew in confidence in the absence of all the faith that was once second nature, and here we are decade(s) later, and my world view is drastically different to how it once was. I think this is a good thing. I think that kindness for kindness sake, for humanity and humble belief in the inherent value of others has more resonance with me than searching for a god who loves me and has a plan. Things evolve, and coincidences happen. Chance makes the world go round..

But that's just my slice of the pie, I wouldn't want to press that on anyone else..

Ill keep reading, keep talking, and take a dip in some more al-anons if it feels like the next right thing to do..

More will be revealed as you guys have said xx

wiscsober

you get a big hug from me...best always...

Readysteady

Ok...one big hug, coming up!