racumb35

I've been living with an alcoholic for the past two years. He is now in rehab after a month-long nosedive into drinking. He's tried to quit before, but something always triggered his return to the bottle. He's lied lied lied about many things, and i feel like i'm barely breathing. Of course, i still love him, and i'm sure he's expecting me to forgive him when he gets out. On the phone last night, he already sounded so different, and it just made me angry. He told me I should do something "good" for myself, and i told him to **** off. I was intending to be supportive on the phone, but that didn't happen.

I go to therapy, and i am now looking into al-anon meetings, but it pisses me off that i'm the one who's doing all this work to save our relationship. Jesus, we're not even married! I know, i know, that i've got to do it for myself. I know i'm co-dependent. It's just, sometimes i don't know what the **** happened to my life. How did i get here??

SolTraveler

I think we have all asked ourselves this. Alcoholism is a family sickness - they drink and the families become co-dependent to cope.

I wish I could offer more specific advice. I am still struggling with this myself. I love my ABF so much, and have for over 20 years. I am crushed by this - I want him out of my life yet I desperately want him to get better and to become the man I know he could be. Everyone has the same story.

It is unsolvable. However, it sounds like you are taking the right steps to work on yourself, which is all you can do.

Dublin

Recumbent I'm sorry you are going through this and it is unfair. My RA is just past 90 days sober and it is only in the last 2 or 3 days that I felt my anger decrease. I got more and more angry in the first days of his recovery and sat in alanon meetings angry that I had to get help for something I saw as his problem. I don't feel that any more and I am very glad of alanon meetings and this forum. I still struggle but it is getting easier. I hope that helps and I hope you find calm and peace. I wish you all the best and hope you get good support.

LexieCat

Therapy and Al-Anon are to save YOU, not the relationship. Or they should be.

Maybe you won't WANT the relationship when all is said and done. That's fine, then you go on and live your life.

These rounds of trying to quit, starting again, rehab, etc., are exhausting. In spite of the fact that HE suggested it, I hope you do something nice for yourself anyway. You don't have to tell him that you did.

marie1960

The only way I know how to get past all of the frustration, hurt, and pain, is to make yourself the # 1 priority of YOUR life.

Think outside the box for a minute, think back to life before an active alkie was in the picture. Remember, how less complicated life actually was ? No lies, no drama, no unacceptable behavior, no bullsh*t ?

I got so caught up in the alkie's daily dose of crapola, I truly forgot what is was to live normally. I forgot that my home was my haven, I forgot what it was like to have a sober intelligent conversation with a man. I forgot how to laugh, I forgot how to relax.

Seems the harder I tried, (or overlooked/ignored ) the less respect he had for me. He kept pushing that envelope, it was as if in his polluted head, each time I "let it go" I was actually giving him permission to take his unacceptable to the next level, just crazy and I never felt so defeated !

I was living such a lie.

And it was a mess.

All I know for sure, when you have had enough, you will know.

You matter, my friend.

Your life has value and meaning too.

Whenever you are ready, you can choose to embrace you!

dandylion

Dear racumb35, I don't know if anyone has ever said this to you. Love is not enough when in a relationship with an active or even early recovered alcoholic. You are up against the disease--and, the disease does not care a twit about the alcoholic or you. The alcoholic is controlled by the disease--that is why love is not enough.

If love were enough, most everyone, here, on this forum would be elsewhere.

In therapy and alanon you will learn how you became "primed" to become co-dependent with an alcoholic. All this work is for you, hon, not him. He will have to want sobriety for himself and gain it through his own efforts. He knows what to do--they just told him--again.

sincerely, dandylion

Sueski

Racumb35, I understand why you're so angry. I understand the resentment, too. I'm managing those better but it's been a process. I think the anger is another one of those 'no way out but through' things. The more you fight it, the more firmly entrenched it becomes.

I was really angry that I had to go into therapy to deal with my husband's affair. HE refused to go - why should I shoulder it all?!?!? Then he relapsed after 17 years sober. Again, why am I the only one who sees a problem here??? Why am i the only one doing anything that doesn't involve a bottle?? What I'm realizing a year into the relapse is that, yeah, it's about working on the relationship but its waaaaay more about figuring out myself. A lot of it really IS the 'how did I get here' piece.

Stick with the self-care of whatever variety. It is so worth it. (And cut yourself a little slack for telling him off. He was a big enough boy to make the choices he did. He's also a big enough boy to handle some anger.)