SolTraveler

Hi Everyone-

Sigh....

I need ESH and big hugs today.

Last night, ABF rolls in at 3:30. Another first. Well, almost. He did this once last fall and we had a huge fight and he apologized - didn't happen again until now. My point is that, especially since I am in my last trimester of pregnancy, that I need to know where he is and what time, approximately, he will be home.

The agreement is that he will let me know if it is going to be late, ESPECIALLY if it is that late.

Well, he didn't. And I am damned if I do and damned if I don't because if I call to check up on him, I am being nosy. If I get angry because he didn't call, I am being a B**** because he has a right to go out with his friends. I don't dispute that right, I just think he at least owes me an update so I know where to get him in case of emergency.

So I am sorry to say that my anxiety addled codie brain handled it very badly. I got very, very angry. Then, I looked at his call log and discovered a number he called previously that night and called it - asked the girl who answered where he was. Stupid, stupid, stupid. But I felt like I couldn't help myself. I was THAT MAD. And that worried.

So anyway, he comes home, and - again, stupid, everything I know goes out the window. I accused him of screwing around on me and of being an inconsiderate A-hole for not letting me know what was up. To be fair, the latter is true, but not the former.

So we argue for 2 hours. Duh - I KNOW better.

I told him that sending a text to say "hey, I will be later than usual" takes 2 seconds. He really had no defense for it - just lost track of time and didn't feel like it, basically. So then I told him I knew he was going to the bar on days he said he would come right home. He denied it, but weakly.

Mainly his strategy is to turn it around on me. Classic move for an A. To be fair, I handled it badly but still. He was incensed that I accused him of cheating and said I will never trust him. How can I trust him when he never does what he says? And in the past, he had a big problem with flirting and it led to problems. That was over a year ago, but yeah, it makes it hard.

His drinking is escalating. Instead of being out until 2 every now and again it is twice a week, and as I said, I suspect he is filling in and stopping by after work as well. He told me a month ago that he wants to quit - and at the time he was very sincere. Now it is worse than ever.

I have gotten no sleep and I am also suffering majorly with prepartum depression and anxiety, and that makes it hard to separate where I am actin irrationally and where he is being a dick.

I am going to see my OB today to find out what my options are for help. I need it - even without him adding to it I am really suffering. I can't sleep and I feel awful.

So anyway. I just wanted to vent. I take responsibility for my end - treating him like a child again. He said last night I am pushing him away and maybe that is right. But he has responsibility too....

I have got to get a grip and be stable so I can make a rational plan and decision. Right now I am in no shape.

I need a hug!!!!
Alex

Tuffgirl

Hugs from me. Ahhh...pregnancy hormones AND alcoholism issues. Yikes!

But here's my position on it all. He's a grown man with a pregnant woman at home, and I believe you said you had an older child, as well? Why is he "going out" until 3am? That's what young, single people do. He's not a young single person anymore, he's a man with a family. Sure, having a "guys night" with his buds is fine. But the family men I know are usually home by midnight. Why? Because their wives and kids wake them up too early the next day!! And because they have other responsibilities to tend to in the mornings, besides nursing a hang over.

Just my humble opinion here, hon.

In the meantime, try to take care of yourself here. You are very much needed as a Mom. To hell with what he does. Take good care of that baby.

~T

SolTraveler

I completely agree, Tuffgirl. 100% and that is partially why I was so furious. He says he will quit going out that late after the baby is born, but I know he won't. Because we go around and around about this all the time.

I need to just dump him but I am not quite ready yet. Getting there faster and faster though...

dandylion

Dear SolTraveler, from where I sit, it looks like the fact is: He is an alcoholic (not in recovery); He is immature; He is doing what alcoholics do---and you want him to behave like a normal healthy father and husband: He resents you for interfering with his drinking and social life (including other women--at some level); You resent him for letting you and his children down.

Hon, this business of 2 seperate agendas is putting you and your children at risk. Stress is a HUGE factor in pre-term labor. You are the only one that your children can count on in this world. You are going to have to take care of yourself--you know that you can't count on him.

We co-dependents are famous for trying to change the impossible. You have no control over his alcoholism. He will turn it around and blame you every time!!

What will help you is detaching from him and LOWERING YOUR EXPECTATIONS. You have the health and lives of 3 people who are paying the price for clinging to false hope for this relationship.

I am so glad that you are going to your doctor today!! Level with him/her. Lean on others who care about your welfare for help---and detach, detach, detach.

Also, don't worry one bit about getting angry with him. You would be abnormal if you didn't!

sincerely, dandylion

Tryingtoletgo3

I just want to offer hugs! As another preggie I know how hard it is to keep your hormones under control while living with an AH. I went through the same thing while pregnant with my now 9 month old. The entire pregnancy was chaos and stress and just plain miserable. This pregnancy (currently 7 months along) we seperated before I found out and even through the heartache and stress over custody and divorce, it has been so much better. Life is overall peaceful and calm....Just know you aren't alone. Only you will know when it is time to leave, but consider the harm the stress and panic living with your AH puts on your baby and child as well.

SolTraveler

Thanks, everyone. It helps to know that I am not completely nuts. The doctor said I can start taking my anxiety meds again (yay!) and take Tylenol pm occasionally for sleeplessness.

I also called a counselor and am trying to get in.

FireSprite

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but lots of ((((BIG FAT HUGS))))) because I can't even imagine how hard it is to be in your 3rd trimester & dealing with all of this crap.

It sounds like a lot of "classic" A behavior & I agree with you that he has no real intention of quitting once the baby arrives. Do you have a Plan B person to help you if *god forbid* your labor starts in the middle of the night & he's drunk? Even if you can locate him at that moment, he's not likely to be in condition to assist you during labor. The idea of you having to deal with him being intoxicated DURING your labor turns my stomach!

SolTraveler

It does mine too, FireSprite. This poor little girl is coming into this world already hampered by an active A for a father.

I have no family within 1500 miles, unfortunately. My eldest daughter can pitch in and watch the two younger ones in a pinch until a babysitter can get there (I have 2 who are pretty reliable). In addition, I plan to give the info to a friend or two just "in case." When it is all said and done, I hope to have 4-5 people I can call in a pinch.

But God help him if he shows up wasted. I will leave the birth certificate blank. Let him get a lawyer and sort it out.

It just makes me so sad.

Things have calmed down for now. I have my therapist appointment and my meds. That makes me feel proactive - I am doin my share to clear up my side of the street, which is all I can do. I had hoped to make it to Al-Anon tonight but the schedule is making it impossible. I am aiming for Wednesday. Looking forward to it.

We have not discussed it today except for me to tell him that I am still angry about his actions but that I am going to try to detach and stay out, for now because he has to hit bottom on his own. There is just no more point talking it over with him.

Lower the expectations.... yep. Gotta do it. He isn't going to change.

LexieCat

Sol,

Just wanted to send you some big hugs.

Here's just one other thought. Maybe brief your friends on what to do if you go into labor and he's out doing his "socializing." Rather than YOUR having to track him down and deal with him if he is wasted, have one of them call him, attempt to ascertain his condition, and if he is drunk, instruct the hospital not to let him in. Yes, you would be upset if you knew he wasn't there because he was drunk, but it seems less upsetting than actually having him SHOW UP in that condition.

Glad you got to see your doctor. Hang in there!

SolTraveler

Good idea, LexieCat. Or I could just not call him - he can go screw haha...

I will have a c-section scheduled (various medical reasons) so hopefully I make it to that morning rather than go into labor early, like I usually do. Going into labor on a night when he is blotto is my worst nightmare...

Sigh... Well, whatever comes, I can deal. It isn't like I will have a choice!

LexieCat

Not that this is any kind of comparison, really, but I remember the day I went to the doctor to get my tubes tied. I was in my 40s, knew I didn't want any more kids (love mine but two were enough), had discussed it with my then-b/f (whom I later married--second husband who went back to drinking after nearly dying of it) (he had never had kids and I wanted to know he'd be OK with it).

Well, he drove me home from the appointment, but then went out for a few drinks and came back wasted as usual. Meantime, I'm at home feeling like crap after the surgery (not as big a deal as a C-section, but fairly uncomfortable), feeling a little sad at the thought I would never have another baby (even though I didn't want one, it's still kind of an emotional thing), and feeling SO alone with his being out there throwing down the booze while I was at home feeling this way.

Ugh. One of my more unpleasant memories.

SolTraveler

Yeah, I am dreading that too, no matter what. I am getting my tubes tied as well during the c-section. Four kids is quite enough... especially since ABF has turned out to be a disappointment and if it doesn't work out there will be NO steady man until all the kids are at least in middle school (so 12 years - I promised myself...)

The thought of doing it makes me very sad, even though I know it is the right thing to do. But I dread the aftermath - hopefully I don't take a big nosedive into depression again, especially with no real support from him or family.

I am really trying to be excited about this baby. She deserves to have a family that is excited. Instead I feel sad that she is going to have such a rough start.

LexieCat

Well, don't be sad for her. She has an AMAZING mom who cared enough for her and her siblings to get sober for them. She will always be the special "baby" of the family, and she will be loved.

Hopefully, her dad will someday get sober, but even if he doesn't, you will be enough for her, and can help her understand that her dad loves her, even if he isn't able to be as together as you would all like.

What will her name be?

Maylie

I just wanted to stop by and send you some HUGEEEEEE hugs because you really deserve some right about now.

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. His actions are screaming loud and clear that he is in active addiction and that he is immature and not responsibility. I am sure that it is scary nevermind disappointing that it doesn't phase him that you could go into labor or there could be an emergency and he would be out trashed and not even answer the phone. He is showing you that he is just not going to be the father you want him to be or the partner you want/deserve. While it hurts to know that, it is better to accept it and make a plan B so that if you do go into labor or there is an emergency you are not stuck relying on him. An A can just not be trusted or leaned on for support

Of course he will claim "oh when the baby is here I will stop" just like I am sure when you first found out you were pregnant he said he would stop and help you and before that I am sure he promised a million times for this or that reason he would get his **** together. It is a never ending cycle and it is best to not get your hopes us in thinking that a baby will bring him to reality. (If anything, recovery takes a lot of effort and he should have been preparing months ago to be sober and fully there for the baby if his plan was to be in recovery for the birth!).

Keep talking to your doctors and taking care of YOU. Stress is never good for anyone, never mind when you are pregnant. I remember telling a friend who was pregnant and crying to me that her baby would have an addict father I looked her right in the eye and said all that matters is that YOU got sober, and YOU love this baby more than anything, and YOU are going to show this baby what true love is and what is means to be a good person, and YOU are more than capable of doing this by yourself because you are stronger than you give yourself credit.

Imagine me looking right at you saying the same message to you because YOU are so strong. You are a wonderful role model and example of what true recovery and dedication is. Keep moving forward and as long as your baby has YOU she will be fine. It is better to have one parent that gives it their all then two so-so parents in my opinion.

huuuuuuuuugggssssss. Be gentle with yourself.

wicked

This is just an idea, but something I would like to say.
I am a depressive, I do not know if I suffered from post partum depression, because I usually started to drink as soon as I quit breast feeding. YUCK.
My HP would not let me keep the beer down when I was pregnant, thank you so much HP.

My point or idea is, let this babies life be the start of a new life for you.
You can be reborn in a way.

I don't mean give the baby a job like saving your marriage, but her birthday could be your birthday as a new woman.

Like your birthday you have for your sobriety from codependency.

A woman who began her journey through AlAnon and becomes stronger.

The amazing mother showing her children that life is what you make of it, good or bad. Your marriage may not survive, but you will and you will be better for it.
Babies are such a gift of love, who need all of us to support them with love, patience, security and serenity.

If her father cannot be that support of love, security and serenity for you, then he must take a back seat to the power you will be.
Gather your friends and AlAnon forces around you. Do you have a sponsor yet? Maybe that would help you now.

If the strings of codependency start to strumming at your heart, take it to the babies. Take it to your sponsor. Bring it here.
Anything but let a drunk ruin this precious special bonding time in your life, and the lives of the babie's siblings.

My ex husband arrived high on crack and alcohol for our children, the shame I felt was overwhelming. It makes my heart hurt a little now, but it was his choice to ruin that moment for himself. I was active duty in the military, and I was sure everyone was aware of his state, my command was made aware too. Just one of the many moments of my sick, drunk relationship with my ex husband. My youngest was a little jaundiced and needed that light for a day or so, well, he turned that into a great tragedy, calling his mother and crying! Because his baby was yellow (not only that, he kinda blamed me for it). My mother, an RN told him to get over himself. She was not happy when he showed up drunk lemme tell ya.
LOL I am so glad she was there. She reminded me how beautiful and delightful my daughter was and that she (of course) was the prettiest baby she had ever seen. I miss my mom.

I wish I could bring my steely evil eye to the hospital, and if he tried to show up drunk, well. Hmph. Sometimes these immature men are jealous of the babies and they show up like that just to get attention. It is so sad and sick, but I think the truth.

Anyway, gather your troops, stay in the light, you have back up here.
Love, hugs and support from one of the troops!

Beth

Florence

I started pursuing my own recovery when I was pregnant. To assuage all the anxiety about my AH, my therapist advised me to comfort myself as much as possible. Do things I wanted to do, eat things I wanted to eat, swaddle myself in warm blankets, thick socks and comfortable clothing. And to drink hot tea for the warmth and comfort. Go to a health food store and get an herbal tea for pregnant woman. The ritual of this was really helpful in the final days of pregnancy. Take care of you, expect less from him. The pieces will fall into place as you clean up your side of the street.

SolTraveler

Her name will be Charlotte.

Yeah, I know I have this. And I am so fortunate that I can afford to care for her and her brother and sisters on my own.

Last night he not only stayed in but he didn't have a single beer. Not entirely unusual since he is a binge drinker, but it was nice. Today he has the day off, so he will probably be sober today as well. I will take it.

We got along ok. Although I am embarrassed about my actions (not so much for being angry, just how I handled it) at least it gave him pause - and I say pause because I know it will happen again.

Now I have my sleep aides that the Dr said were ok - next time he goes out the phone is going off and I am going to take one. That way I will get enough sleep and not have to worry about what idiot thing he is doing.

LexieCat

Charlotte--I love it! Beautiful name.

Glad things have calmed down for the moment. Enjoy the peace.

Florence

I love Charlotte! Enjoy your peace.