mary559

Well I haven't posted in a while but I really feel like I need you guys now.My AH has been sober for over a month. He is going to AA almost daily and he is doing a good job.
This has happened after a month of hell. I will just say that he went on a beinge never came home got a $2000. bike stolen and got kicked out of the house. Made a pest out of himself with me. especially at work. Which I lost my job because my personal life was too much for my work. I went to work with bruises on me and he was 3 weeks sober when this happened. So lets just say that after dealing with him for 5 years being an alcoholic I have just put my hands in the air and closed off my heart.
I have told him that I care about him and do love him but I am not "in" love with him. His new obsession is what I am doing all the time. Now he thinks or rather thought I was cheating on him when I was working. I have been nothing but undeerstandind and have put up with too much of his sh*&! I can't even stand it sometimes when he tries to hug me or kiss me. I know he is trying and 2 months ago going to AA was like taking the devil to church. I realize he is doing well but I have warned him for a year that he is killing my love for him and now I am afraid he has. Any input is welcomed.

mary559

my name used to be maryl

Lorelai

Mary -
I'm kind of in the same boat. My H has been "sober" for almost a week. He's still drinking in secret but I haven't seen him drunk in 5 days. I would have never imagined my wildest dreams that he would go one day without being drunk.

I'm like you - kind of unsure about what happens from here. After 15 years, I don't really even know the man when he isn't drunk. It's almost like starting over like when you first starting dating.

I've decided to give it some time so that we can both figure it out. I'm not letting him pressure me into doing anything that I'm not ready for. I'm still working my program and concentrating on me. I don't want to be in danger of falling back into my old patterns. Maybe things between us won't work out anyway but I don't have to decide that right now.

Let me know how it goes with you. It takes time to trust again and after all the time we gave them, they owe us as much time as we need.
Hugs - L

rivercitybelle

It's a hard place to be in. You can't change him only you. Your safety (and sanity) must come first. The obsession with what you are doing, etc.. tends to come from them trying to contol you. They are sure that there is someone else because why else would you want nothing to do with them? Other than their behavior and actions
-rcb

dax

I would give it some time. The thing is if he reallygets hooked on the program, expect to be alone a lot while he is at meetings. My husband has 25 years sobriety. When he stopped, the love had not died so I gladly encouraged him to go to many many meetings. This is necessary in the beginning. But a word of warning or sweveral. First they can get so hooked on AA that you never see them and they put all their AA friends befor you. This hurt but I lived with it. I would also ask your spouse to go to men only meetings and limit the coffee and lunches afterwards. After years of sobriety, an Aa friendship with a woman crossed the line into a 9 year affair. I was clueless because he was 'at meetins' ah ha-not always. This has so hurt me that in some ways I wish I had left him in his drinking years. The betrayal has been so great. Now I am 60 and Iam stuck due to health insurance and finances[much money he spent on ow]. I think an alcoholic is always going to lie it is so ingrained. sO IF YOU DON'T FEEL MUCH FOR THIS MAN AFTER ABOUT A YEAR, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER LEAVING HIM. yOU WILL ALWAYS BE SECOND BANNANA TO THE PRPGRAM IF HE STAYS SOBER. I wish now I had opted for a more normal life. This of cousres due to the affair. People in AA ciover for each other. Sobriety is all that matters-not wife and kids. This is just my personal feelings. Ask to go to open meetings with him. This will help you stay close and also understand the program. My husband would never let me go to meetings with him.

mary559

Thank you all of you for your input. This is all very new to me. I have wanted to go to a meeting and will soon. I do want to give it more time because I do know he is serious. I will let you keep informed as I need help myself for this situation. I will also go to an Alanon meeting for myself, it's hard for the alcoholic to understand what they have put not only themselves but everyone through
Thanks again, Mary

Ann

Mary

In any group of 20 or so people you will usually find some who are jerks or go to meetings to cheat, but the majority of people are there for recovery, so don't let one bad example make you nervous. A cheater will cheat whether or not they go to AA.

I think that the important thing now is you and your recovery. Regaining your balance will help you make healthy decisions for yourself, including whether to stay or go. I am saying this presuming the physical abuse has stopped...if not then I would suggest putting a safe distance between you while you decide. It has been such a short time that I would be very careful about trusting him not to add more bruises.

Please keep your safety and needs first, and take special care of yourself.

Hugs and prayers
Ann

mary559

Thanks Ann,
You are right focus is what I am doing on me and my sons. I told him if he's not serious about not drinking than let me know. I can do it with my sons and I am not Scared just concrned. This is my life. The one I thought was going to last forever. Who knows but like I told him if he hasn't sunken to the bottom already than I won't be sticking around to see it. I know I have to give it a chance but I have been doing this for 5 years. Finding comfort in you and your postings and the knowledge that I am not alone. I have now gotten strong and feel that I do deserve better. This has taken me a year to figure out. Thanks for all the support!!
mary :sink

splendra

Mary-

***Hugs*** to you. Has your H undergone any therapy for his violence? I would think your reaction is very normal for all you have been through. Give yourself enough space to feel safe.
Oh by the way the devil goes to church every wednesday and twice on Sunday

mary559

Lisa,
You are right , he has not seeked help. He has only done that once but that is all it takes. I will look into it. We have talked about counseling and it is good. He did start the argument but I did participate by throwing things back. He is 6 foot and I am 4"10. Not much of an advantage.
By the way it must be a coincidence that the devil happens to go to church on the very days my AH will not miss his meetings. TOO FUNNY!!!!
Mary

mary559

We just spent the morning together and he is finding it a little uncomfortable that I have this site up all the time. It feels like that to him. So I finally read a post I wrote to someone outload. He was hurt that I am not falling in love with him again but still finding it hard to trust him. Sobriety for a little over a month doesn't earn anyone the trust that has been shattered in 5 years. I do want to trust him but I am finding that he still acts immature sober. Any suggestions??
mary

tootiredmom

I loved the statement above..... "It takes time to trust again and after all the time we gave them, they owe us as much time as we need." My husband doesn't get that. He just keeps telling me, "I can't change the past, you need to focus on the future." He is just pushing us farther and farther apart. I don't know your answer, but I think, after this weekend, I think I have found mine and it is sad. It is sad to face the end of what started out as a beautiful dream so many many years ago. The loss of the dream is as heart breaking as the lose of the love I thought I had with this man.

mary559

Tootired,
You are so right. I wish I could convey all the hurt he has caused but I must agree when what you had seemed so promising and good turns out to be the worst thing for you its a sad revelation. I hope my AH can help me too turn that around and I can say he is really trying. Thanks for your reply, it's comforting to know that I am not the only person going through such an overwhelming situation.
mary

whiplash

haha! Trust. I'm sorry to laugh, but it reminds me of my ssick husband's latest little volley about trust. His newest one is that I don't trust him because I don't believe he can be a social drinker. Boy these guys will just do anything to turn it around.

Mary, please wartch out for your safety!!

mary559

my hubby is so silly.
I go to a friends house and spend more time than I thought than I go on an errond with her and now I am a lier and don't pay attention to his feelings. Ya right. How does it feel after all thes years. not what I wanted to say but what I was thinking. He is so irritating to me I find it hard sometimes to be in the same room. I wonder if I can keep going. please help me someone.
mary :sigh:

best

If he puts some effort into working the steps and starts to understand what the steps are about... you will see real changes. Women are filled with love. It is the nature of a woman to love. Us guys need to work at it. When you see real changes and a true commitment, your nature will carry you through and you can find that love again. The steps understood and worked can change his behaviors. He needs to want it.
There is hope and with that hope and prayers you can do what ever you want or need to do.

Lorelai

(((mary)))
They are insane in that department. A few weeks ago, I went to a local bar with one of my (married) girlfriends. I told him I was going, he knew who I with, he knew where I was. It was five blocks from our house if he wanted to come and check on me. We had two drinks and a nice conversation, listened to the band and came home at 9:30.

He has talked about that about a dozen times since then. "You don't need to be in a bar." "You don't know what might happen." "I don't want you going out like that, especially looking like you do." (The only compliment(?) I've ever gotten from him.)

I just have to laugh. How many times has he been in bars when I don't know where or with who? How many times has he lied about being in a bar? How many times has he been so drunk he doesn't even remember what he did?

I don't know if they will ever understand the insanity of what they're saying. I just told him "Maybe you'd like for me to lie to you so you don't have to worry?" (His line.) That pretty much shuts him up.
Hugs - L

Magichappens

We are not responsible for others' unhappiness. No one can kick me unless I'm already kicking myself. Hugs, Magic

mary559

Thank you so much for all of your input. I really need it. He just told me last night that he is afraid of drinking again. Especially now that he lost his job day before yesterday. Now we are BOTH jobless and dealing with this mess at the same time. To be frank I am proud he hasn't drank yet. But like I told him don't say yet because that means that your expecting to. Talk about a setup.I am only responsible for me and my kids and I have made that clear to him so I think he is afraid of th happiness I will find without him. I have had to deal with this for 5 years and the last 2 I have just realized that I have been doing my own thing. Even for holidays he was drunk in bed well I and my kids were doing the holiday visiting and fun. I wasn't going to rob my kids because he didn't care. To be honest, I am afraid I might like it without him than with him. BOY< THIS IS CONFUSING> I think reading his AA book might help. Your support out there means the world when you feel it's all closing in on you.THANK YOU ALL!!!!!!
Mary