Last Night

Old 05-29-2013, 10:39 PM
  # 101 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thanks everyone...I went to another Al Anon meeting today at lunch in addition to attending therapy. The women at this meeting today could not have been nicer and more accepting of me and my pain. There were many that came up to me afterwards and hugged me telling me they understood and had ALL been there. I heard other women describe scenarios with their A that they are still dealing with that I remember doing and hating every minute of it. So in terms of what I've done for myself this week, that means two therapy sessions and one Al Anon meeting since Monday. I'm exhausted I've come home and crawled in my bed and fallen asleep for a while every day. I hope this is what you all mean by working a program? I looked through the Al Anon meeting booklet today and found meetings at times where it looks like I can attend on a daily basis. I'm going to try that along with therapy a few times a week for now to see if that helps and then if necessary consider going on meds. I'm trying to leave that as a last resort because if I'm going to feel the pain I want to do so and move through it and NEVER have to do this again. I guess I will see how it goes. A friend of mine who is a great person and tries to keep things on higher ground said to me today a few things that I think are starting to make sense and are sinking in. My therapist agreed as well...it was this:

Things came to a head a month ago which lead me to get an apartment because I chose to not ever stop telling him that his drinking was an issue and that it was causing a lot of issues in our relationship. In the end I never waivered on that and he knew I was not ever going to be supportive of that and if he was going to ask me to marry him that this was going to continue to be am issue between us. I did not continue to fight to stay in the house and have him move out to "think about things" and have me waiting and relying on him financially because I did not want to be dependent on him whatsoever. I admit that I was also not ready for the relationship to be over and that I hoped he would still come to his senses, but who wouldn't after spending 7 years with someone. In the end he still chose A over me and knew he had this other person in the wings who was in someway or somehow going to deal with it differently. I did not just go to a friends house for a while I went and rented an apartment with a lease, took the dog, and did not return his calls for a couple of days to tell him where I was and what I was doing. I did this, as well as throughout our relatoinship let him know that I was not going to be okay with his drinking behaviors and all that came with it....it always just made me feel uneasy because it seemed that he OFTEN needed or wanted it...he could hardly ever do something like go to dinner, spend time at a party, or even just be at home for any significant lenght of time without a drink in his hand. He admitted just getting better and better at hiding it from me. In essence...I was always trying to change him and was never really okay with who he was. I thought I was separating him out from the alcohol but I think he believed I was not and he knew I was never going to be okay with the way he wanted live his life...that and he said he wanted to start smoking week again one day and I wasn't really okay with that either. I'm just not a big fan of having or wanting to do anything that makes you in some way not present. He on the other hand wanted to be able to choose these things and not feel pressured or rejected by me for wanting to do so. This other person, who apparently quit her job to be with him even though she says she knows he is a A must be able or willing, unlike me, to tolerate who he is and his behavior on some level that I was not able to. She accepted him for who he is and I was asking him to change...he wanted the bottle and he finally figured out a way to have both...to be with someone and to not give up the bottle and who he was. He no longer felt he had to change. I guess I understand it...it makes me sad and I so wish he could've seen that he is an A and that by getting help he would be much healthier in the long run and that yes...selfishly it would've meant we might have had more of a chance. It's been said that pride and ego might have gotten in the way here...I think that is likely true in that I was wounded in those areas when he could not see what I was saying, which is that he needed help with the alcohol, that I knew that to be true...I still believe that. I know now though that he has to do it for himself but it was my love for him and all of the wonderful parts of who he was and who we were that made me stay in the fight for such a long time. Yes, I wanted something out of the relationship...to be loved back, to be respected, to be held, to be listened to, to have someone to count on. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The fact that he was and is a A may mean in the end that there is a limit to what he can provide but I still don't think it was wrong for me to ask what for what I wanted out of that relationship. I was in it too, not just the A. He made a promise to be that he would never leave me...he did and I've every right to feel justified and hurt in that he chose the alcohol and whatever/whomever came along with that in the end. He chose to end things this way, he knew what would hurt me the most and he chose to make that happen so I would finally go. He knows how much he hurt me and does not care, in fact I believe he did this on purpose to hurt me as much as he feels I've hurt him by not accepting him for who he is. I may not have been perfect in this relationship but I don't regret having not made it more comfortable for him to drink...why should I? Step away and say to him and myself that it's no big deal when it is? I know now that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I also know that standing by and accepting someone to be a drunk where they make things around them uncomfortable and people around them (mainly me) feel lonely, miserable, and worried is also NOT okay. I see how I made my self sick trying to do the three C's...I see that now but am I wrong to also say that NOT tolerating or accepting his drinking in the end was NOT WRONG? I'm also starting to see how bizarre this new relationship he has going is. What women in her right mind quits a job to date a guy she says she knows is an A and has a disease? I know I could never do that...not that he asked, in fact he was happy to have me pay my fair share of everything and would remind me at times when he felt I wasn't such as when we went out to dinner and he would say, are you going to pay...of course not when do you ever pay? It was important for him to have me pay and be self sufficient but now he is okay with someone quitting her job to be with him? What the heck is that? Is that part of the co-dependent nature of where his thinking has now gone...if she is somehow dependent on him then she will be more likely to accept him for who he is? Sorry, spinning again. She is just the opposite of me, needy, needy, needy and I'm not. Also, it had been said that I'm not a prize to be won? Why is it not okay to want your partner to chose you over something that is so damaging himself and the relationship...should I not feel I'm worth it? Admittedly a little confused about that comment??
Boon44 is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 05:59 AM
  # 102 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Darlin...paragraphs please..... :-) Hard to follow other wise
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:01 AM
  # 103 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Boon44 View Post
Thanks everyone...I went to another Al Anon meeting today at lunch in addition to attending therapy. The women at this meeting today could not have been nicer and more accepting of me and my pain.
There were many that came up to me afterwards and hugged me telling me they understood and had ALL been there. I heard other women describe scenarios with their A that they are still dealing with that I remember doing and hating every minute of it. So in terms of what I've done for myself this week, that means two therapy sessions and one Al Anon meeting since Monday. I'm exhausted
I've come home and crawled in my bed and fallen asleep for a while every day. I hope this is what you all mean by working a program? I looked through the Al Anon meeting booklet today and found meetings at times where it looks like I can attend on a daily basis.
I'm going to try that along with therapy a few times a week for now to see if that helps and then if necessary consider going on meds. I'm trying to leave that as a last resort because if I'm going to feel the pain I want to do so and move through it and NEVER have to do this again.
I guess I will see how it goes. A friend of mine who is a great person and tries to keep things on higher ground said to me today a few things that I think are starting to make sense and are sinking in. My therapist agreed as well...it was this:

Things came to a head a month ago which lead me to get an apartment because I chose to not ever stop telling him that his drinking was an issue and that it was causing a lot of issues in our relationship. In the end I never waivered on that and he knew I was not ever going to be supportive of that and if he was going to ask me to marry him that this was going to continue to be am issue between us.
I did not continue to fight to stay in the house and have him move out to "think about things" and have me waiting and relying on him financially because I did not want to be dependent on him whatsoever. I admit that I was also not ready for the relationship to be over and that I hoped he would still come to his senses, but who wouldn't after spending 7 years with someone.
In the end he still chose A over me and knew he had this other person in the wings who was in someway or somehow going to deal with it differently. I did not just go to a friends house for a while I went and rented an apartment with a lease, took the dog, and did not return his calls for a couple of days to tell him where I was and what I was doing.
I did this, as well as throughout our relatoinship let him know that I was not going to be okay with his drinking behaviors and all that came with it....it always just made me feel uneasy because it seemed that he OFTEN needed or wanted it...he could hardly ever do something like go to dinner, spend time at a party, or even just be at home for any significant lenght of time without a drink in his hand.

He admitted just getting better and better at hiding it from me. In essence...I was always trying to change him and was never really okay with who he was. I thought I was separating him out from the alcohol but I think he believed I was not and he knew I was never going to be okay with the way he wanted live his life...that and he said he wanted to start smoking week again one day and I wasn't really okay with that either.
I'm just not a big fan of having or wanting to do anything that makes you in some way not present. He on the other hand wanted to be able to choose these things and not feel pressured or rejected by me for wanting to do so. This other person, who apparently quit her job to be with him even though she says she knows he is a A must be able or willing, unlike me, to tolerate who he is and his behavior on some level that I was not able to.

She accepted him for who he is and I was asking him to change...he wanted the bottle and he finally figured out a way to have both...to be with someone and to not give up the bottle and who he was. He no longer felt he had to change. I guess I understand it...it makes me sad and I so wish he could've seen that he is an A and that by getting help he would be much healthier in the long run and that yes...selfishly it would've meant we might have had more of a chance.
It's been said that pride and ego might have gotten in the way here...I think that is likely true in that I was wounded in those areas when he could not see what I was saying, which is that he needed help with the alcohol, that I knew that to be true...I still believe that.
I know now though that he has to do it for himself but it was my love for him and all of the wonderful parts of who he was and who we were that made me stay in the fight for such a long time. Yes, I wanted something out of the relationship...to be loved back, to be respected, to be held, to be listened to, to have someone to count on.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The fact that he was and is a A may mean in the end that there is a limit to what he can provide but I still don't think it was wrong for me to ask what for what I wanted out of that relationship. I was in it too, not just the A.

He made a promise to be that he would never leave me...he did and I've every right to feel justified and hurt in that he chose the alcohol and whatever/whomever came along with that in the end. He chose to end things this way, he knew what would hurt me the most and he chose to make that happen so I would finally go. He knows how much he hurt me and does not care, in fact I believe he did this on purpose to hurt me as much as he feels I've hurt him by not accepting him for who he is.

I may not have been perfect in this relationship but I don't regret having not made it more comfortable for him to drink...why should I? Step away and say to him and myself that it's no big deal when it is? I know now that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. But I also know that standing by and accepting someone to be a drunk where they make things around them uncomfortable and people around them (mainly me) feel lonely, miserable, and worried is also NOT okay.
I see how I made my self sick trying to do the three C's...I see that now but am I wrong to also say that NOT tolerating or accepting his drinking in the end was NOT WRONG? I'm also starting to see how bizarre this new relationship he has going is.
What women in her right mind quits a job to date a guy she says she knows is an A and has a disease? I know I could never do that...not that he asked, in fact he was happy to have me pay my fair share of everything and would remind me at times when he felt I wasn't such as when we went out to dinner and he would say, are you going to pay...of course not when do you ever pay? It was important for him to have me pay and be self sufficient but now he is okay with someone quitting her job to be with him? What the heck is that? Is that part of the co-dependent nature of where his thinking has now gone...if she is somehow dependent on him then she will be more likely to accept him for who he is?

Sorry, spinning again. She is just the opposite of me, needy, needy, needy and I'm not. Also, it had been said that I'm not a prize to be won? Why is it not okay to want your partner to chose you over something that is so damaging himself and the relationship...should I not feel I'm worth it? Admittedly a little confused about that comment??

Quoted it to put in paragraphs so I could read it
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:09 AM
  # 104 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Quoted it to put in paragraphs so I could read it
LOL, thanks for your service!
LexieCat is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:10 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Boon, it seems to me you ARE finally accepting him for who he is--an A who has no interest in getting sober, and in fact wants to add another drug to the mix (your comment about him wanting to start to smoke weed again). Accepting who he is doesn't mean you choose to tie your life and happiness to him. Accepting who he is doesn't mean you are obligated to live w/him forever. It just means you believed him when his actions told you who he was.

Now that you know that, it's up to you to choose where YOUR life goes.

Sorry if I missed the point, but that is mostly what I got from your post....
honeypig is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 06:16 AM
  # 106 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
You have figured out a lot her.......great news!
Yes she quit her job, cause like him, you and some of us, we are all codies willing to do anything to be loved.
He knew from day one you could never accept his addictions, Deep down he knows he is fundamentally broken so you both always lived with "one food out the door".
He then met someone who would accept him (nothing worse to an addict than to not be accepted because their shame rules them) so he chose to be accepted.

This doesn't make you wrong, this makes you true to yourself.

My ex cheated on me with some crazy married woman with 4 kids who admitted her BPD and who stalked me. He needed someone totally insane to accept him, cause from day one I told him the list of sh&t I would not tolerate.
He was floating, I was floating.
I loved him and wanted a life with him, but on MY terms! I wanted to control him and how he drank etc.....turns out, I didn't have the power to change anyone but me.
So I slowly changed me and he cheated.

He didn't pick booze over you.....he picked his addiction over healing...simple!
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 07:12 AM
  # 107 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
"I don't think there is anything wrong with that. The fact that he was and is a A may mean in the end that there is a limit to what he can provide but I still don't think it was wrong for me to ask what for what I wanted out of that relationship. I was in it too, not just the A."

You are spot on here, Boon. Unfortunately, an A cannot participate in the give and take that healthy relationships enjoy, mainly because their primary relationship is with alcohol and protecting their addiction. So many of us learn from our A's that to ask for what we want is selfish, so it really makes me smile to see that you understand you were not wrong to voice your needs.

(Thanks, Summerpeach for the paragraph-ed quote!)
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 01:03 PM
  # 108 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thanks...I need to keep reinforcing those thoughts. I woke up
again really missing him and again wondering what I did wrong?
Hard to accept still that the A's mentality is so different than others.
He really does think I abandoned him a year ago...but can not see
how his drinking is what caused me to pull away. I told him that for years...he didn't
want to change that...wanted me to accept it. I just couldn't do it. Oh...what I'd hoped we could've had.
Boon44 is offline  
Old 05-30-2013, 04:33 PM
  # 109 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I'm sure you did lots wrong (we all do in relationships), but ultimately, even if you did everything correct, addiction is a serious mental illness so trying to figure out what you did wrong is like trying to figuring out why you don't have the power to turn a dog into a cat.

Your mind will race with these thoughts for many many weeks and then slowly you will have these moments of clarity or an epiphany and you will say "Ahhh now I get it"

Hard to get it now, cause you're in pain and the clouds are still thick.
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 05-31-2013, 09:37 PM
  # 110 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Sorry everyone for the previously long post. It was stream of thought writing I guess, just needing to get what I was thinking out of my head.

Today has been a rough day again, so sad, hurt, and feeling betrayed by the fact that he chose both alcohol and another relationship over me. I've read what a lot of you have posted about his disease and that he chose his addiction, not another person over me but honestly I'm having a hard time making sense of this. Intellectually I guess I understand it but emotionally I'm having a hard time dealing with it. It's all I think about even when I'm doing other things. I see something on TV about couples and I imagine them together doing all that couples do, enjoying their time together. It hurts and I can't get these images out of my mind. I sleep and have dreams about him rejecting me over and over again and feeling so desperate to be wanted and loved by him again. It's so confusing...I know I didn't like the drinking and his behavior when we were together but the pain is so great being away from him I just don't know how much more I can take. It wasn't all bad all the time...I know I'm rationalizing again.

I find myself kicking myself for not listening to my intuition when she started being introduced into our lives by him. He wanted us to meet, go to dinner, become friends, etc. We did go to dinner once and she came to our house. I rejected a real friendship with her though because I don't trust any woman who wants to get close to someone who is in a committed relationship. What girl does that? Did I do something wrong about NOT getting to know her? Did I fail to protect my relationship? At the time I just thought why should I have to do that? I didn't want to feel insecure about it so I rejected the notion and I guess buried my head in the sand as to what was going on.

OR in the alternative...Is it that he is an alcoholic and it wouldn't have mattered what I did nor did not do? If I did not accept him and his drinking and all that came with that then he would have found one way or another to get out of the relationship...no matter what. He functions relatively well with a great paying job and a few close friends but honestly does not spend a ton of time with them. When we were together he wanted to do things mainly together and with friends at times but rarely did it not involve drinking on some level. He actually use to say to me that if he could not drink then he would just prefer to come home, go to bed, and not go out. We argued about this. I'm told she does not really drink either (but she was drinking with him that night I found them together), but does at times smoke weed...so why did he chose her, the weed?...broken record I know...but I can't seem to move on from these thoughts...sorry...I hope this is more clear than my last post.
Boon44 is offline  
Old 05-31-2013, 10:20 PM
  # 111 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Boon, Summerpeach wrote you a post just prior to this one which i think is very apprapo for you to consider, just now. I think it would be a good idea to post it on your fridge and read it every day.

It will help you to get through this grieving process and emerge out the other side.

Also, it is about time to check out some alanon meetings, I think.

supportively, dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-01-2013, 05:11 AM
  # 112 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Boon, I know that you have been to some alanon meetings. You might need a lot m ore face-to-face contact with others, just now. Human contact is essential when in the throes of grief.

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-01-2013, 09:58 AM
  # 113 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
You are probably right. I had to leave town for a few days, busy with family but I plan to
attend meetings daily when I get home tomorrow. I guess I just keep looking for
some way to make the pain go away. I had a dream last night about a former ex
who wasn't an A who loved me very much but we were young and I wasn't ready to
settle down so we broke up. He rejected me in my dream too...I had come back now wanting him...understandably upset. Anyway, it was just a dream but Im sure it has meaning...will cover that in therapy on Monday.

So here is where I am today...feeling very resentful that Im the one who is hurting so much and need to get all this help & treatment to move on & get better & that he is already in a new relationship having the time of his life & is happy. That they have each other and I'm the one pining for my past relationship. If I could just really believe that he isn't totally happy and that he would do anything to get me back I would feel so much better. It's like I need him to want me again to feel like a whole person. A friend told me that my ambition to make this work along with his lies and alcoholism supported my ability to be in denial. It's like all of my family & friends were just waiting for this house of cards to fall. I knew he could be an a** I just never thought he could be one to me. What my fantasy is now us to find someone else who will really love me. But what I'm being told is that I need to be alone for at least a year go get healthy so I choose a better partner next time. I'm scared I won't find that...I'm 45....from all Ive seen most men want much younger versions...have I really screwed up my life here by spending 7 years with this guy? Anyway....that's where I am today.
Boon44 is offline  
Old 06-01-2013, 10:40 AM
  # 114 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Boon, I feel just as you do in afraid. I am 44 and "wasted" the last 13 years on someone who treated me well at times and at other times awful. He has crushed my confidence and self esteem, possibly impacted on my daughters personality and has cast me aside in a really uncaring and cold manner, something I know I don't deserve. I have tried to get through today in a positive way but feel so alone. I have no family close by, my daughter has her own life and all my friends are in relationships so I don't want to bother them. My closest friend has been a great support but is working today and tonight so I am alone with my thoughts, which are quickly becoming negative. Im sorry i cant offer you any advice or support, just wanted you to know you aren't alone with your feelings.
Newlook3 is offline  
Old 06-01-2013, 03:03 PM
  # 115 (permalink)  
Member
 
Summerpeach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Boon. I have some amazing news! You will find the best most amazing, most fulfilling person to love you.......It's you! I know, it sounds so cliche, but once you gain self worth and self respect, you will be amazing how the ass*holes back off.
I'm 47 and stayed single for the last year because I knew it was time to change or be doing what I was (and what you're doing now) at 60.....ekkk! To be 60 and still having insane relationships scares me more than being alone.

I have to say Boon, you are very honest with yourself here. You see all the reality. Most people in the pain you're in, don't see it until MONTHS after a break.

As for feeling resentful....oh how I recall those days. My ex would be off with whatever new "lay" he had and here I was totally confused sitting in meetings, in therapy, crying, sick and saying "why am I in so much pain?"
Bottom line, I put myself there, not any ex. I chose to be with men who could not give me what I wanted and guess what? I got what I asked for....nothing!

I have a strong feeling you're going to heal faster than you know
Summerpeach is offline  
Old 06-01-2013, 08:31 PM
  # 116 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thank you & I hope you're right. Still considering meds...just to take the edge off while I'm going through this. Getting up everyday is a chore...I think the chemicals in my brain have become so unbalanced I can't see my way out of a paperbag. I will continue with meetings and therapy...god I hope this helps because I just feel tortured by my thoughts on a minute by minute basis. Anyone else experience this?
Boon44 is offline  
Old 06-02-2013, 02:54 AM
  # 117 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
I'm exactly where you are Boon, my breakup is very raw. I am dealing with that very badly and think depression has set in. I am taking antidepressants and should be starting therapy shortly. I am questioning so much at the moment, not just my relationship with him, but about myself and I am going round and round in circles. I just want to hide away and not face anyone and I don't know why. I wonder if I have been depressed for sometime and the break up has just brought everything to a head.
At least you are going about your daily business, I feel like I don't want to face anyone at the moment and really want to "snap out of it"
Newlook3 is offline  
Old 06-02-2013, 04:27 AM
  # 118 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hopeworks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Boon44, It is chemicals that cause the emotions that are rocking you and it is the advice given and time... time... time ... that heals and changes the chemical and hormonal releases that messes us up so cruelly.

Knowing it is chemical and not LOGICAL or SENSIBLE or REASONABLE or WISE and feelings are NOT reality made it easier for me. It is disconcerting when we realize that we cannot trust our own feelings and our brain and hormones are working against what is best for us but it is what it is. This is why I NEED to stay in recovery because it is exercising wisdom, logic and developing a way of life and a philosophy for living and relationships that changes our future!

And that should be your goal... changing your world, your values, your perceptions to fit who you want to be and shed the parts of you that are attracted to toxic persons and relationships.

It is a process and it takes time but the pain does go away and the fog of "love" and false feelings fall away too. Everything becomes clearer, brighter, sharper and sweeter and your life can become better than ever if you train yourself to focus on what is important.

For myself it was a great counselor, alanon, this site and lots and lots of books and then rinse and repeat daily! Now I visit here each day for a quick look around and still go to alanon but find myself not going as often... gasp... my life is becoming so "normie" that I forget that I am codie! lol...

But I am codie and I do need to stay in recovery as needed and I need to continue to grow as a person because ... it is an awesome way to live!

Hope that helps....
Hopeworks is offline  
Old 06-02-2013, 09:51 AM
  # 119 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thanks Hopeworks..

This is my plan, Al Anon Meetings, therapy, and reading a lot...anything I can get my hands on that might help me move forward. I'm just so tired of feeling so depressed and anxious all of the time. What is confusing is that I felt this way at times when I was with my A as well. Is this a brain thing (me being depressed) or was I wrong to make such an issue of his drinking to begin with?

I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought about was him and the two of them together...again. Images of them being together intimately have also been somewhat pervasive in my mind and that hurts a lot as well but I know this is a done deed by now. I know any relationship has to play itself out and theirs will too...but focusing on that is not going to get me anywhere. I fixate between them being together forever and me being alone forever...they win, I lose...this is what I find myself thinking about often. I imagine them doing the things we use to do together like going to baseball games and taking trips as this is when he was at his best and wanted to share and open up with me.

To counter these feelings I then try to remember the daily routine of him coming home, locking himself in the bathroom for an hour claiming to be "reading" and relaxing when in reality he likely was having a few drinks and getting his buzz on before we started our evening together. Some nights he would manage it enough and the alcohol would not take too much of an effect, other nights he would drink and get drunk to the point of being obnoxious. Then there were the nights when we would go out to dinner and he would drink so much that he would not be able to hold a decent conversation, rarely asking me how my day was or about things I might be interested in. At parties with friends he was always the one who drank the most and I hated that. It wasn't that he was drunk all the time it was often just the fear of not knowing how much and when he might drink too much and the fact that it was pretty much always a point of discussion at some point in the day about what, if, when, and how much he would drink. He told me that was my fault often because I was too fixated on it. I also know he hid it from me as well and when I suspected he had been drinking (sneaking up stairs during times in the night when we were watching TV or hanging out) I would often go on my mission and find the proof that he had been sipping on something as I'd suspected. And I know I'm repeating myself here but is it too much to ask to be able to have your BF drive you to dinner and not get so drunk at times that he forgot to pay the bill or became so drunk at dinner that he would nod off? This is what started happening lately, a couple times before we broke up. I would also hate it because my internship would run late a few nights of the week and I was resentful of the fact that if he drank and I needed him, had an accident, etc that I did not know if I could count on him to be sober enough to come and get me. I also resented the fact that he had two DUI's and instead of just not drinking so he could drive us to dinner he would just say let's take a cab. I will have a few here because it costs so much when we go out and then you can drive he would also sometimes say. I refused, why take a cab? Why not just not drink so you can drive and take me out I would say. I know this was my way of trying to control his drinking and he would just say then I don't want to go out then. It's too expensive anyway (he makes good money and this is not an issue). He is what I guess one would consider a high functioning alcoholic.

I know I'm looking backwards now because I'm hoping I did the right thing by pointing out to him that he had a drinking problem and by sticking to my guns that this was an unaccpetable way to live. Did I make too much out of it? His friends and family are all saying he is an A or at the very least has a drinking problem. I'm second guessing myself now because I'm in so much pain and did not want this relationship to end, I just wanted him to stop drinking. I'm asking myself why I just didn't learn to put up with it and accept him the way that he was? If I had I would not be sitting here feeling so scared, lonely, and sick to my stomach. Maybe my ego was too strong and I thought I knew all of the right answers when really I didn't. I gambled and lost...I really thought in the end he would never let the relationship end....that is until he allowed someone else into his heart and life. Apparently she has a different way about her in dealing with all of this and he would rather be with her than me and honestly this is what is killing me inside. Why did I get so angry and resentful in the end? Why did I just not stay neutral about it and leave him well enough alone to let him do what he needs to do? At least he would still be in my life and I would not feel like my left arm is missing and I would not be so full of regret about the life I'm never going to have with him now. He did want to open up and share his life with me but he also wanted to drink and often when he did it was to excess. I love this man...now she has him because I could not leave well enough alone. I do what I always do and push for things to be better...I wanted him to not drink because I thought that was our problem and if that could be fixed then many things could get better. I know I can't change things now but was I wrong? Am I right to think that with time I will get over this and see that my life without having to deal with an A will be better? Will I regret this forever? Was he right and did I just blow the best thing that ever happened to me in my life?

During that last week we were together he drank so much and made sure he was in my face about it. We argued and he would pass out and fall asleep. I was so anxious that I would wake him up and ask that he tell me he loved me and that we would work on things. He was drunk so he would yell at me, kick at me in bed, and even told me that I was a pathetic ***** and he didn't care if I sat in traffic and was hit by a car. I think he was just drinking so much to get me to leave and I just wouldn't. I wanted to work this out and I think he was just done (because he had already decided he was going to move on with her) and he was doing anything he knew he could to get me out. Earlier in the week he would do other things like start drinking, hide from me in the house or go outside and be texting or talking on the phone to someone (likely her) making me feel insecure and nervous about what was happening in my own home. Does this sound like A behavior to anyone? He tells me he loves me but that he can't give me what he wants and that he was just not man enough to admit it. He told me later, the last time we spoke that he just couldn't get me to leave, that no matter what he did I would just stay...not matter what (I could smell alcohol on his breath that nite as well).

I hate the fact that he chose this...WHY DID HE NOT CHOOSE ME? I know it's the same thoughts over and over again. Is it my sickness that I'm still in denial about his alcoholism? I'm so convinced I will never get over this and not meet anyone else and be happy that I just keep looking back to see what I could've done differently. Was it me? Was I the problem? Are all my friends, family, therapist just telling me what they think I need to hear? Was I just too focused on the negative with him and not enough on the positive? He would do things like make me dinner, tell me he loved me, play with our dog, keep in contact with me throughout the day via text. I always new where he was and what he was doing. But he still liked to drink...a lot sometimes and I never knew when and for me it was often too much to handle. Was I the one with the problem not him? Ugh...I'm second guessing everything now and I know many of you are going to say its OVER move on but I can't seem to do that. I wish I could but I'm wondering this morning if I made the biggest mistake of my life by not dealing with this relationship differently. Any words of wisdom???
Boon44 is offline  
Old 06-02-2013, 11:09 AM
  # 120 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Boon, I haven't got any words of wisdom but you could've been writing my thoughts. My relationship was very similar to how yours sounded, my partner too was very considerate of me most of the time. It was mainly my issue with his drinking, the not knowing if this night would be the night he had too much and would be argumentative, that caused a lot of the tension. I was permanently on edge around him drinkng because of incidents that had happened sporadically. However, I do see now that he was never going to stop drinking and I was never going to stop having an issue with it so it was never going to work. Admittedly I shouldn't have taken 13 years to come to that conclusion!
I'm not 100% sure if my ex is seeing someone else or not, I have suspicions but no proof and I'm trying not to dwell on that too much. I'm looking at the relationship with a slightly clearer mind and I know it wasn't good to live in a constant state of "walking on eggshells" and conflict.
I am terrified of life on my own, I'm not going to lie but I think I also realise that I cannot go back to the relationship. It was unhealthy for both of us.
Newlook3 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:27 AM.