Last Night
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, Boon. Good baby step! Remember that grief takes time. We feel like it will last forever and that we will never laugh and feel joy again--but, that is simply inaccurate.
Time and distance will cause the sting to fade. With enough time and distance, one day, it will be a distant memory in your rear-view mirror.
dandylion
Time and distance will cause the sting to fade. With enough time and distance, one day, it will be a distant memory in your rear-view mirror.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Well made it through another day but was pretty miserable doing it. Had a few crying spells where the pain was so intense I thought it would never stop. My anxiety just gets out of control and I my thoughts just go round and round leaving me feeling a lot of dispair. Dinner with my family was ok, they seemed pre-occupied and just wanted to get through town on their way home. I did manage to put a few things away in my new apartment and so it doesn't look like a homeless person lives here anymore. I did take an anti-anxiety pill today that I've had from a previous prescription a few years ago just to take the edge off because it felt like I just couldn't get a grip on the anxiety. I was looking through some old videos and pics on my phone today of him and honestly I did not have a lot of emotion, but when I think about life without him and what I'd hoped it could be and at times was, then I start to feel desperate and afraid. Man...I know I keep saying the same things over and over again but this is sooooo difficult and painful, I wonder if I'd known it was going to be this difficult if I would have tried harder to stay...I know that would not have been healthy either but at times I'm not sure which is worse. Unhealthy thought I realize but it's what I'm feeling most of the time these days.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Boon, i am going through the same pain and my thoughts match yours. My doubts are getting worse and worse. My ex has issues definately but he looked after me, he did all the jobs around the house, serviced the car, washed up, anything i asked and i see now that many of our problems were down to me as much as it was him, i couldn't see it when i was in it and the pain i feel now is overwhelming and i don't know how to make it stop. I haven't contacted him since he got angry and told me to leave him alone but i want to so badly. The thought of my life without him terrifies me but i know he doesn't want me anymore, that much i do know. I know everyone says this is grieving but knowing hes not dead, just dead to me makes it more painful and i cant see me ever moving on. I just feel so empty.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Grief can be for ANY loss. Loss of a job, for example, can cause grief reactions. Some parents grieve when their children move away. It may not be exactly the same as grief after a breakup, or grief after a death, but it is still a process, and it takes time. It does NOT last forever--no matter how sad, how tragic the circumstances.
Although it's a process, and a necessary one, you also don't want to get stuck there. Keep making yourself go through the motions of living. Try not to spend every waking minute dwelling on the loss. Left foot, right foot. Breathe.
Although it's a process, and a necessary one, you also don't want to get stuck there. Keep making yourself go through the motions of living. Try not to spend every waking minute dwelling on the loss. Left foot, right foot. Breathe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Well it for sure now. Confirmed, my ex and the other person are for sure together now. He definitely cheated on me and is with someone else now. I'm hurt and devistated and really don't know how much this has to do with his alcoholism. I still believe he is an A but this really hurts...OMG.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
Hi Boon, you have the confirmation that I am still waiting on. Like you I suspected my partner was cheating and hence his behaviour became worse and erratic. I too doubt that it was down to the drinking, I believe the erratic behaviour was more likely down to guilt and not knowing how to get out of the relationship. I know he has a problem with drinking that is definite, however I know our relationship wasn't as it should have been and I realise now that I was probably as much to blame as he was, although I didn't see it at the time, I blamed his drinking and mood swings for my withdrawal from him, which although true, didn't help him to believe that I loved him and therefore drove him to another woman, that I have no doubt.
I am hurting as well, the pain is still raw. We have no contact now, I think he wanted that as much as me as hearing from me was making him feel guilty and then he would lash out, that in turn was breaking my heart as he became someone I didn't know anymore and seemed to blame me for everything. I hope we both start to feel better soon x
I am hurting as well, the pain is still raw. We have no contact now, I think he wanted that as much as me as hearing from me was making him feel guilty and then he would lash out, that in turn was breaking my heart as he became someone I didn't know anymore and seemed to blame me for everything. I hope we both start to feel better soon x
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
I honestly entered this relationship and new he was an A. I should've left then. I did all I could to help this guy out and I don't blame myself for the majority of what happened in our relationship now that I see he has cheated on me. If there were issues he should have spoken to me about them face to face but he didn't instead he drank and argued with me telling me life was miserable but that he loved me. I thought I was the exception to the rule but I guess not. He used me and then threw me away...what a painful joke our relationship was.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Boon44 
Thanks, i know I sound like a broken record. I worry that this is going to be my life as it feels it has been for so long, even before I met him. Unable to find a relationship with someone who wanted committment. I've a lot of success in my professional life but in the area of relationships not so much. I either stay single for a long time or meet people who are in some way or another are not willing or able to be as emotionally availalbe to me as I am to them. I hear like attracts like so maybe I'm not seeing myself as clearly as I thought. I'm tired of feeling alone, desperate, and scared of being alone and desperate all of my life. My Ex use to tell me that when we met he could tell I was desperate and lonely...that we both were (one of the many not so wonderful things he said to me) and that always made me feel bad. He uses alcohol to cope with his anxiety and mine keeps me stuck...always has and I've never been able to move past it. I'm talking and telling people more about it now including writing on this blog hoping that this time it will get better and make a difference and I can finally move forward. Guessing I need regular Al Anon meetings but they get me so frustrated because it feels like I go there, share a little, listen to others share, listen to the readings and then the meeting is over and I'm left full of emotion to deal with either by myself, friends, family or in therapy. This is all fine but what am I missing about Al Anon? I tried it before and left because I felt the same way. Also, this issue with being codependent, is that me and how do I change it? I have some of the traits but not all. However, guessing that the fact that I stayed with this guy for so long and still at this point am thinking so much about his life should be a really big clue. Will this really get any better?
I asked myself the same questions you are here.
What you say above and what you're experiencing are crucial to your healing.
You say you were desperate and lonely <--- these are the two main ingredients in being easy prey to damaged people.
I like you, was always great with my career but sucked when it came to picking men and friends.
I was in 3 very long term relationships, two of them addicts and the last two cheated on me.
Once I left my ex A 3 yrs ago, within 9 months I decided to get into a relationship with the possibly worse choice I ever made in my life.
I met a guy who paid attention to me when my self worth was at it's lowest. Sorry to sound full of myself, but I am 47, am in great shape and have the looks to match, but men were not knocking down my door. Why? Because I exuded "needy" because I was so damaged by the past relationships I chose to be in, so healthy people would not come within 10 ft of me.
This last guy lasted on and off for 2 yrs and a year ago when it ended, I was officially down for the count. I knew I needed to get help and finally be alone to work on me. Learn to love myself and trust the world again. I've been alone one year, but my skills have improved. My self love has improved.
Your need for love will always make you easy prey and you will always have that need until you work on your self worth.
As painful as this all is for you right now, imagine this pain over and over and over. That's what will happen when you don't work on you and keep choosing damaged people.
If it's not this A, it will be another one, in the hopes to feel loved and accepted.
A's are the least likely candidates for offering love and acceptance. They hate their own selves, so cannot possible fill the needs of a partner.
This new "mess" he's seeing, well he will do to her what he did to you and so on.
The universe is giving you the opportunity of a lifetime right now. The gift given has to include this deep horrible pain. Why? Because without pain, there is no change. Without pain their is no growth.
Life is constantly striving for balance and this relationship you had knocked you out of balance. A healthy relationship keeps you in balance. There was no choice, it was going to happen now or later, but it was going to happen.
Right now you're weak like a kitten and I understand you have no strength to focus on you and getting life back in order.
No need to race to the gym now (it took me a month to even breath again after my break up)......for now, eat, sleep, cry, write, go to meetings, see friends....repeat.
There is no time limit to mourning. And just so you know, you're not mourning the death of the relationship, you're mourning the death of who you were.
This is an awakening if you so chose to accept it.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thank you...everything you say is right. I do not want to keep repeating it over and over again and I know everytime I focus on his life and not mine that is exactly what i'm doing. I know without any recovery he will likely do this or some version of it to her as well. I hope I never see or hear from him EVER again at this point. There is NO WAY I deserved this...NO WAY...but it still hurts. All of the lies, BS about wanting to leave to protect me from him because he knew he wasn't good enough for me...just a way to get out of the relationship and the same for her. Telling me how great she thought I was just how he didn't feel we were right for each other and that he loved me so much that he was letting me go. I'm sure she rests her head easy at night knowing she has him now...but, will she EVER wonder...if he could do that to someone he was with for 7 years, could he ever possibly do that to me? He is a lying cheat. Honest to god I wish I'd never met him. I let him convince me of so much including that he loved me and would never leave me. Scum bag, scum bag, scum bag. I'm so angry and hurt and he is NEVER going to take responsiblity for this...coward that he is. He let me get to a place in our relationship where I hoped to get married and this is his response? He was just telling his friends a few months ago how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me but just wasn't sure about getting married again...what a load of crap again. All the time he knew what he was doing and felt either resentful or guilty about what had been going on and he was just LOOKING for a way out and this marriage discussion gave him a perfect out to tell me we just were not right for each other anymore. He didn't bother to have his feelings change for me until he had someone to take my place...selfish b******! He knew how I felt about cheating and how committed to him I was...he knew and he told me he would never do that to me. What does he not think lying to me about spending time with someone skiing when we were together doesn't constitute cheating and that getting close emotionally doesn't constitute cheating because we were NOT married. We were living together...at his request so many years ago. I know this is wrong but I do HOPE and PRAY that she gets this back in spades. Sorry...so hurt and angry I don't know what to do!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Don't be sorry....get it out and yes he's a scum bag and coward. Addictions brings people to their lowest state.
Try as the days pass (as hard as this is) not to focus so much on him and what he did. We need to keep the focus on why we made these choices.
It's hard because you're pissed and are so hurt, but as the days/weeks/months pass, there will be a shift of "he's a pr*ck" to "Why did I decide to accept this"
There is no right, no wrong, there just "is"
You wished you never met him now, but believe me, in time, you will see meeting him was a part of your journey and needed to be in that.
I used to cringe when people told me "lessons learned"...I was like "Screw lessons, I want the jerk off dead" hahah! Well, you know, I learned some tough lessons.
In the process I learned to love myself more.
Send love to the parts of yourself you hate and you will see a shift.
Try as the days pass (as hard as this is) not to focus so much on him and what he did. We need to keep the focus on why we made these choices.
It's hard because you're pissed and are so hurt, but as the days/weeks/months pass, there will be a shift of "he's a pr*ck" to "Why did I decide to accept this"
There is no right, no wrong, there just "is"
You wished you never met him now, but believe me, in time, you will see meeting him was a part of your journey and needed to be in that.
I used to cringe when people told me "lessons learned"...I was like "Screw lessons, I want the jerk off dead" hahah! Well, you know, I learned some tough lessons.
In the process I learned to love myself more.
Send love to the parts of yourself you hate and you will see a shift.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Just to add, my ex A knew my ex who I was with before him for 11 yrs cheated on me with a person who had hiv (he slept with her unprotected for a solid year, then came home to have sex with me) and knew my world was so broken after that, but he still cheating on me and then blamed me for it. This was a well dressed, good job, father of 2 from a good family man, not a gutter-bug and he still was able to look me in the face and say "I would never cheat on you".
We were in couples therapy and an AA couples group and he was telling everyone I was "crazy" because I kept accusing me of cheating. He swore on his kids heads he was not cheating and told me he loved me.
Two days after he made me swear in front of our AA couples group to stop accusing him, I looked in his cell and guess what? He was cheating......
I walked that day and within hours he had a new life.
It took me a LONG time to get over that pain, but now that I am and see how sick and crazy he is. I went against my gut for a long time being with this person, so I only had myself to blame.
I knew he was no good but wanted to live in my denial and paid a heavy price.
We were in couples therapy and an AA couples group and he was telling everyone I was "crazy" because I kept accusing me of cheating. He swore on his kids heads he was not cheating and told me he loved me.
Two days after he made me swear in front of our AA couples group to stop accusing him, I looked in his cell and guess what? He was cheating......
I walked that day and within hours he had a new life.
It took me a LONG time to get over that pain, but now that I am and see how sick and crazy he is. I went against my gut for a long time being with this person, so I only had myself to blame.
I knew he was no good but wanted to live in my denial and paid a heavy price.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Boon, I have ACTUALLY done this: Gone to the edge of the woods and pretended that the object of my anger was in from of me---I then said every awful thing that I was thinking; called every vile name I could think of; screamed it over and over; tears streaming and snot running; until I was too tired to do it any more. This was then followed by sobbing tears--they naturally flowed.
I had read about this in some place about "letting go". This was many, many years ago when I had been done very wrong in a relationship. It was oh so cathartic. It helped me externalize the emotion---and get it outside my body and my mind.
I made sure that no one saw me (except the wild animals)---otherwise they would have thought there was a psychotic lady on the loose!
I highly recommend this technique when you feel like the anger is going to eat you up.
Don't forget to look around carefully, first.
dandylion
I had read about this in some place about "letting go". This was many, many years ago when I had been done very wrong in a relationship. It was oh so cathartic. It helped me externalize the emotion---and get it outside my body and my mind.
I made sure that no one saw me (except the wild animals)---otherwise they would have thought there was a psychotic lady on the loose!
I highly recommend this technique when you feel like the anger is going to eat you up.
Don't forget to look around carefully, first.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Boon44
I honestly entered this relationship and new he was an A. I should've left then. I did all I could to help this guy out and I don't blame myself for the majority of what happened in our relationship now that I see he has cheated on me. If there were issues he should have spoken to me about them face to face but he didn't instead he drank and argued with me telling me life was miserable but that he loved me. I thought I was the exception to the rule but I guess not. He used me and then threw me away...what a painful joke our relationship was.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
I am SO sorry you're going through so much pain. I was in your shoes less than 3 years ago, My ex (who was sober the last 3 yrs together) cheated on me and once I left him (the day I caught him), found out he had been cheating on me on and off throughout our 5 yrs together.
I asked myself the same questions you are here.
What you say above and what you're experiencing are crucial to your healing.
You say you were desperate and lonely <--- these are the two main ingredients in being easy prey to damaged people.
I like you, was always great with my career but sucked when it came to picking men and friends.
I was in 3 very long term relationships, two of them addicts and the last two cheated on me.
Once I left my ex A 3 yrs ago, within 9 months I decided to get into a relationship with the possibly worse choice I ever made in my life.
I met a guy who paid attention to me when my self worth was at it's lowest. Sorry to sound full of myself, but I am 47, am in great shape and have the looks to match, but men were not knocking down my door. Why? Because I exuded "needy" because I was so damaged by the past relationships I chose to be in, so healthy people would not come within 10 ft of me.
This last guy lasted on and off for 2 yrs and a year ago when it ended, I was officially down for the count. I knew I needed to get help and finally be alone to work on me. Learn to love myself and trust the world again. I've been alone one year, but my skills have improved. My self love has improved.
Your need for love will always make you easy prey and you will always have that need until you work on your self worth.
As painful as this all is for you right now, imagine this pain over and over and over. That's what will happen when you don't work on you and keep choosing damaged people.
If it's not this A, it will be another one, in the hopes to feel loved and accepted.
A's are the least likely candidates for offering love and acceptance. They hate their own selves, so cannot possible fill the needs of a partner.
This new "mess" he's seeing, well he will do to her what he did to you and so on.
The universe is giving you the opportunity of a lifetime right now. The gift given has to include this deep horrible pain. Why? Because without pain, there is no change. Without pain their is no growth.
Life is constantly striving for balance and this relationship you had knocked you out of balance. A healthy relationship keeps you in balance. There was no choice, it was going to happen now or later, but it was going to happen.
Right now you're weak like a kitten and I understand you have no strength to focus on you and getting life back in order.
No need to race to the gym now (it took me a month to even breath again after my break up)......for now, eat, sleep, cry, write, go to meetings, see friends....repeat.
There is no time limit to mourning. And just so you know, you're not mourning the death of the relationship, you're mourning the death of who you were.
This is an awakening if you so chose to accept it.
I asked myself the same questions you are here.
What you say above and what you're experiencing are crucial to your healing.
You say you were desperate and lonely <--- these are the two main ingredients in being easy prey to damaged people.
I like you, was always great with my career but sucked when it came to picking men and friends.
I was in 3 very long term relationships, two of them addicts and the last two cheated on me.
Once I left my ex A 3 yrs ago, within 9 months I decided to get into a relationship with the possibly worse choice I ever made in my life.
I met a guy who paid attention to me when my self worth was at it's lowest. Sorry to sound full of myself, but I am 47, am in great shape and have the looks to match, but men were not knocking down my door. Why? Because I exuded "needy" because I was so damaged by the past relationships I chose to be in, so healthy people would not come within 10 ft of me.
This last guy lasted on and off for 2 yrs and a year ago when it ended, I was officially down for the count. I knew I needed to get help and finally be alone to work on me. Learn to love myself and trust the world again. I've been alone one year, but my skills have improved. My self love has improved.
Your need for love will always make you easy prey and you will always have that need until you work on your self worth.
As painful as this all is for you right now, imagine this pain over and over and over. That's what will happen when you don't work on you and keep choosing damaged people.
If it's not this A, it will be another one, in the hopes to feel loved and accepted.
A's are the least likely candidates for offering love and acceptance. They hate their own selves, so cannot possible fill the needs of a partner.
This new "mess" he's seeing, well he will do to her what he did to you and so on.
The universe is giving you the opportunity of a lifetime right now. The gift given has to include this deep horrible pain. Why? Because without pain, there is no change. Without pain their is no growth.
Life is constantly striving for balance and this relationship you had knocked you out of balance. A healthy relationship keeps you in balance. There was no choice, it was going to happen now or later, but it was going to happen.
Right now you're weak like a kitten and I understand you have no strength to focus on you and getting life back in order.
No need to race to the gym now (it took me a month to even breath again after my break up)......for now, eat, sleep, cry, write, go to meetings, see friends....repeat.
There is no time limit to mourning. And just so you know, you're not mourning the death of the relationship, you're mourning the death of who you were.
This is an awakening if you so chose to accept it.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 133
I wish I could get angry with my ex but it just won't come. If I knew for definite that he was cheating it would be easier, he says he's not but the change in him over the last few months has to point to that. He says that he has just come to the conclusion that he is more than happy on his own but knowing how much he loves sex and equates it to being wanted and loved I know that he would be off with someone. No doubt he wants to leave it a month or so and then go public to look like they just met, to retain his nice guy image that he has to everyone else. He knows all my friends know the truth to his behaviour towards me but he won't want to add cheating into the mix. He has thrown at me that I never wanted to come near him, which when he was drunk is true, it really turned my stomach but sober it wasn't a problem and I had told him as much, he still chose to drink so it couldn't have meant that much to him. No doubt he's got with a drinker so they can have as much fun as possible. How he expected a relationship to ever be sorted when he didn't want to be second best to my daughter and he took 13 years to work that out!!! Doesn't add up to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by dandylion
WoW, Summerpeach! 
Talk about gaslighting!
dandylion
Talk about gaslighting!
dandylion
I thought I was going crazy! He was/is the master of gaslighting. She even told him he was and he LOL
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by EverHopeful721
WOW, Summerpeach - this is just....PERFECT!! Everything you said is right on the money! I think I'm going to print this out so I can refer back to it often. Thank you for sharing this!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Boon - so sorry you are going through all of this, and I know you are feeling so many emotions right now - anger, grief, disparity. . .I have been there.
You brought up the codependency question earlier, and while I'm still new to the process and am working through it myself, the book Codependent No More has became my "dealing with codependency Bible" lately. I don't fit every extreme, and I think codependency varies from person to person - but some of the information. . .it's like reading my life story.
When we live with an A, even though we might not have drank a drop, we still felt the effects of alcohol every single day, and when you're in the situation long enough you start to feel like you're crazy. I know I started to feel nothing but anger and disgust towards my husband - I would have done anything to help that man, but I could only take the hurt for so long without losing it. But the week after I moved him out, it was like the dam broke. I don't know if saying I cried is sufficient - it was weeping. I had friends ask me why I was so upset, I mean I had been miserable in our marriage. I was so exhausted from covering and rescuing him for 13 years, that you'd think I'd be overjoyed to get him out! I didn't know how I could make it, and immediately began wondering if I had done the right thing, could I make it without him? I even began to worry what other people would think about me abandoning him. Ugh. . .
I've learned to take it one day at a time, thanks to that book. If I start to feel the need to rescue come on, or begin to feel panicky, I cope now. I fold laundry, go for a run, do yoga, jump on the trampoline with my boys, scrub the bathtub . .whatever it takes to get my serenity back. Because I don't want to feel angry, desperate, or disgust anymore - I want to live my life and feel good again!
It is hard work, and for me it didn't come naturally, but I'm so thankful I tried it out and have stuck with it. I'm not done working through it all yet, but just taking the first steps of detaching, and learning about the cycle of rescuing, resentment, and becoming a victim have been sooooo helpful. You can do this! You deserve happiness, and you need to take care of the one thing you can control - yourself.
Big hugs to you! Good luck!
You brought up the codependency question earlier, and while I'm still new to the process and am working through it myself, the book Codependent No More has became my "dealing with codependency Bible" lately. I don't fit every extreme, and I think codependency varies from person to person - but some of the information. . .it's like reading my life story.
When we live with an A, even though we might not have drank a drop, we still felt the effects of alcohol every single day, and when you're in the situation long enough you start to feel like you're crazy. I know I started to feel nothing but anger and disgust towards my husband - I would have done anything to help that man, but I could only take the hurt for so long without losing it. But the week after I moved him out, it was like the dam broke. I don't know if saying I cried is sufficient - it was weeping. I had friends ask me why I was so upset, I mean I had been miserable in our marriage. I was so exhausted from covering and rescuing him for 13 years, that you'd think I'd be overjoyed to get him out! I didn't know how I could make it, and immediately began wondering if I had done the right thing, could I make it without him? I even began to worry what other people would think about me abandoning him. Ugh. . .
I've learned to take it one day at a time, thanks to that book. If I start to feel the need to rescue come on, or begin to feel panicky, I cope now. I fold laundry, go for a run, do yoga, jump on the trampoline with my boys, scrub the bathtub . .whatever it takes to get my serenity back. Because I don't want to feel angry, desperate, or disgust anymore - I want to live my life and feel good again!
It is hard work, and for me it didn't come naturally, but I'm so thankful I tried it out and have stuck with it. I'm not done working through it all yet, but just taking the first steps of detaching, and learning about the cycle of rescuing, resentment, and becoming a victim have been sooooo helpful. You can do this! You deserve happiness, and you need to take care of the one thing you can control - yourself.
Big hugs to you! Good luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Thank you...honestly I came home tonight from therapy and just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. The sense of hopelessness and dispair I've felt over this is unlike anything I've EVER experienced before. I've been obsessing for weeks now about my EX and this other person being together and have had thoughts that if I could just be more like her that would've made him happy and I would have my life back. Anything to avoid this pain. It's all such a mess and my therapist is now recommending I go on medication to deal with the anxiety, depression, and ruminating thinking. She is saying I lack of sense of self now that he is gone and that this is what I'd used him for and that I've a lot of work to do and that it is going to be a process...sounds long and difficult and honestly I don't know if I can do it some days. What is it about the rejection and death of this relationship that has me so turned inside out. He has moved on, not a care in the world, is happy and relieved not to have me around. Not reached out to me once since I moved out a few weeks ago...(the only contact being the one I initiated with he and the other person a week or so ago). It's like nothing else in my life matters, no him = no future = what's the point? I know I'm stuck in this place and there has been a lot of advice on how to move forward but honestly it feels like I'm in quicksand and I'm sinking...not two steps forward two steps back. Thanks for listening and responding...
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