My Mother is *INSANE*
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Originally Posted by Hammer 
Part that is amazing to me is the number of Alcoholics I run across in Alanon, at least in one group near our home -- and many seem to have mental illness issues in their families -- typically mothers.
The folks that come over from AA to Alanon are what some folks call double-winners (or whiners
).
They have more or less Made It to Sober Land in AA, and the real life matters that drove them to drinking need to be worked on and they wind up in Alanon.
But these are seriously adult -- 30 to 60 + year olds still have problems from/about their mentally ill mother(s). They do not tend to describe their mothers as mentally ill, per se, but from the descriptions -- like in this thread -- there is little doubt.
The folks that come over from AA to Alanon are what some folks call double-winners (or whiners
).They have more or less Made It to Sober Land in AA, and the real life matters that drove them to drinking need to be worked on and they wind up in Alanon.
But these are seriously adult -- 30 to 60 + year olds still have problems from/about their mentally ill mother(s). They do not tend to describe their mothers as mentally ill, per se, but from the descriptions -- like in this thread -- there is little doubt.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by SolTraveler
My mother is also insane - she has borderline personality disorder and is bipolar. A fun combination that made for a chaotic childhood.
Did you watch the new "Maron" episode on IFC? If not, it was pretty good - it was all about his crazy dad and unstable childhood. Really hit home for me, especially when he said that there comes a time when we must give up on the fact that our parents are going to be who we want them to be - when they fail, we must parent ourselves. Sad, but it was true for me.
Honestly, and I am not advocating this, what helped me most of all was not talking to my Mom for a year. She had an episode during a holiday that resulted in my (now) ex throwing her out, and rightfully so - she was completely out of control. But it helped me step back and see that I had very weak boundaries when it came to her. While I wish the event hadn't happened, it really helped me step back and re-evaluate my relationships and boundaries, and that has helped me a lot.
I guess my point is to take a step back when you feel overwhelmed. I am not saying do not talk to her for a year, but maybe don't answer the phone or see her for a day or a week if it is just too much. You need to take care of you, first and foremost.
Did you watch the new "Maron" episode on IFC? If not, it was pretty good - it was all about his crazy dad and unstable childhood. Really hit home for me, especially when he said that there comes a time when we must give up on the fact that our parents are going to be who we want them to be - when they fail, we must parent ourselves. Sad, but it was true for me.
Honestly, and I am not advocating this, what helped me most of all was not talking to my Mom for a year. She had an episode during a holiday that resulted in my (now) ex throwing her out, and rightfully so - she was completely out of control. But it helped me step back and see that I had very weak boundaries when it came to her. While I wish the event hadn't happened, it really helped me step back and re-evaluate my relationships and boundaries, and that has helped me a lot.
I guess my point is to take a step back when you feel overwhelmed. I am not saying do not talk to her for a year, but maybe don't answer the phone or see her for a day or a week if it is just too much. You need to take care of you, first and foremost.
I'm just too upset to go into our history at this point but suffice it to say she's the type of lunatic who appears to others as some sort of wonderful person, while cold and calculating and back stabbing me.
And to think how I've been worrying about her health lately.
Peace.
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[QUOTE=wanttobehealthy;3975158][QUOTE=SolTraveler;3973585]My mother is also insane - she has borderline personality disorder and is bipolar. A fun combination that made for a chaotic childhood.
Mine too... I wonder how many of us who marry or get involved with addicts or abusers or both grew up with one or more parents with these mental disorders.
To the original poster-- you are not whining. You are experiencing hurt that any person would be hurt by. Your description of your mothers behaviors struck a nerve with me-- they are exactly how I would describe my own mother.
I find that when I reach out to her, no matter how well intentioned or loving my efforts, I always wind up hurt. The only way I have sorted out to protect myself from that hurt is to severely limit contact with her and to go into interactions (or try to) with her expecting her to be what I know her to be (which is negative, passive aggressive etc...)
All that being said, I did share some good news with her last night-- foolishly thinking that was a good thing to do as we were having a relatively pleasant conversation-- and the reaction I got was DEAD silence. Crickets chirping in the background. I should have hung up then and there but I didnt and all that happened was that I tried to hide my hurt and then spent the evening mad that I let her get to me.
I am so sorry you have a mother who can't be a mother to you and who probably never was. It's a shame that while we have to apply to own pets, any a$$hole can become a parent and do a bang up job of hurting their kids. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her a guaranteed right to be in your life if she is negative and hurtful to you.... I am slowly coming to accept that myself about my own mother.... I know what you mean.... I reached out to her, and didn't even give details, was just vague bc I don't trust her..... and an now glad I didn't open up more. I should've known. In a way I'm glad it happened as it did.I can no longer be under illusions. She's awful, a back stagger, a manipulator, and I'm done.
So sorry you know what it's like. Hugs.
Peace.
Mine too... I wonder how many of us who marry or get involved with addicts or abusers or both grew up with one or more parents with these mental disorders.
To the original poster-- you are not whining. You are experiencing hurt that any person would be hurt by. Your description of your mothers behaviors struck a nerve with me-- they are exactly how I would describe my own mother.
I find that when I reach out to her, no matter how well intentioned or loving my efforts, I always wind up hurt. The only way I have sorted out to protect myself from that hurt is to severely limit contact with her and to go into interactions (or try to) with her expecting her to be what I know her to be (which is negative, passive aggressive etc...)
All that being said, I did share some good news with her last night-- foolishly thinking that was a good thing to do as we were having a relatively pleasant conversation-- and the reaction I got was DEAD silence. Crickets chirping in the background. I should have hung up then and there but I didnt and all that happened was that I tried to hide my hurt and then spent the evening mad that I let her get to me.
I am so sorry you have a mother who can't be a mother to you and who probably never was. It's a shame that while we have to apply to own pets, any a$$hole can become a parent and do a bang up job of hurting their kids. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't give her a guaranteed right to be in your life if she is negative and hurtful to you.... I am slowly coming to accept that myself about my own mother....
So sorry you know what it's like. Hugs.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by irisgardens
My mother swears to my daughters (one was high on crystal meth when told) that I am the one who has issues...bipolar--and my daughter interpreted it as "crazy" and almost got her rehab to derail me...manipulation is her middle name...and now with her own daughters is labeling me as well...while I have been in therapy and getting better for 23 years...yes...unipolar depression and anxiety...on meds...therapy and whatever I can do to improve myself. It's gotten to the point, where I am simply unwilling to listen to the rot that she says and all while drinking daily...from at least age 50 to age 83. She is probably a narcissist...I say probably, as I don't label unless I know there is a formal diagnosis...and was proud to tell me after Dad died (she was 72) that she was an only child and used to getting "EVERYTHING" she wanted, and proceeded to shun me and tell the family that I have huge mental problems...and now I have no family of origin...it ended when Dad died...and well, there is addiction in my immediate family as well. I am feeling better than I was two months ago...my mother truly has huge problems...and I have had difficulty disengaging...it has taken 13 years for me to detach...she made it easy...she went from being my best friend (& me doing all the hard emotional stuff) when she was 72 and me 45...as Dad died...to not making contact and silent treatment when I did go and making it clear that her values (not anything I had experienced before while Dad alive) were that "children were to be seen and not heard". Really devastating and weird, but I am the only life I can improve. Just always hope that it is not too little, too late.
Peace.
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Originally Posted by MilaWhite
Uf, I know that feeling of needing to "whine"/vent.. It sometimes appears that mothers act like that on purpose, just to push your buttons!
The first foster mom my brother and I had, was very much like that. All the freaking time. Even if someone disagrees with her the slightest, she will act like they are possessed by a demon.. Because, how in the world could anyone ever disagree with her when she is SO right and perfect!?!?
Gosh.. Just thinking about her makes me want to vent and whine!
The first foster mom my brother and I had, was very much like that. All the freaking time. Even if someone disagrees with her the slightest, she will act like they are possessed by a demon.. Because, how in the world could anyone ever disagree with her when she is SO right and perfect!?!?
Gosh.. Just thinking about her makes me want to vent and whine!
I swear....
Sorry about your experience...Hugs....
Peace.
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Originally Posted by OnawaMiniya
Oh I know..... the only apology I ever got from her growing up was,"I'm sorry your mad at me". That was the only one.
I swear....
Sorry about your experience...Hugs....
Peace.
I swear....
Sorry about your experience...Hugs....
Peace.
I hope you don't let it get too much to you.. Mothers should accept that their children grow up and get their own opinions
And if they can't its their loss!
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