CarryOn

I feel like I just need to get this all out...it's been a really rough week for me. My head has been spinning all week.

Had dinner with AH on Monday...he told me he had stopped drinking 11 days prior but will not go to a treatment program. Says they have less than a 4% success rate. I was stunned - why did I have to go out to a nice restaurant to learn this and be completely embarrassed in the process? Pretty soon there will be no one in the area that hasn't seen me in tears!! Dinner ends when he tells me that if I'm not going to work on our marriage then he is moving back in, fix up the house, and we'll list it...I left, couldn't take anymore. One of the worst nights of my life.

AH tells me he will go to my counseling appt. with me. I figure fine...probably the last resource I have left. I went to Al-Anon meeting on Tuesday and had a game night with friends on Wednesday. Totally anxious going into counseling on Thursday.

Counseling...he shows up late, but did show. My counselor asks me to talk to him...I try and he has no responses for me, which is typical. Counselor talks to him about alcoholism, asks him questions about our relationship. There were moments when I saw the man I love coming out. I feel like she may have made some headway with him but who knows. So hard to listen to some things though - he says he hid the drinking partly to see what he could get away with. I told him that felt like a big F*** YOU to me - completely disrespectful and hurtful. He agreed with the counselor that the purchase of our new home less than two years ago may have been the trigger to drink...the shame of not feeling he deserved the things he had achieved. I get it but have such a hard time wrapping my head around it because we were planning so carefully for it for so long.

The hardest thing was the complete realization/understanding that our marriage as I knew it IS over. I've talked with both my counselor and our priest that I need to grieve the marriage as it was...it may or may not be over but it will never be the same. I never expected to be able to see so clearly the moment when a relationship ended.

Counselor said he has serious depression along with the alcoholism. She said even if he wanted to go to a treatment program he isn't ready for it. Recommended he see a counselor to start working through some issues, and that he attend AA to get some support. She addressed his concerns about AA.

Tonight we agreed to cease communication for awhile. We both need to think about what we want and what we are willing to do to get there. I know that we can't be together if changes are not made and I've told him that too.

Our basement flooded a few weeks back and we need to have it fixed...insurance adjuster said it was a 3-4 week job. I've been dragging my feet due to that slight hope he would get help sooner rather than later and be around to help with the process. I started calling contractors today to get quotes...I guess I better get this going.

I've been so all over the place this week...questioning myself on just about everything. I feel very lost/confused right now and I'm not sure which direction to move in right now. I feel like it has been a week of revelations - some good, some bad, some bad but good to be aware of.

Thanks for bearing with me if you made it through all this...just needed to get it out. Does this happen to everyone - weeks of nothing really happening or changing, and then a bunch of stuff at once? How do you figure out your direction again?

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry for the very painful time you are having. When I see those two letters on this forum--"AH"--I know that whatever details follow will involve a hurting, confused, despairing spouse and a husband who is supremely selfish and unreachable.

The bottom line for any alcoholic in weighing any choice whatsoever in the life is this: "Will it interfere with the drinking?"

You are in the way. In addiction, the core motivation of the alcoholic is to set up a life that supports and sustains the drinking.

Anything which does not threaten the drinking will be tolerated.

But anything which interferes with the drinking will be, by one method or another, cut out of the life. If the source of the interference is a spouse, she will be so controlled and pressured and blackmailed by the alcoholic that, in the end, her interfering will eventually stop. Either she surrenders in defeat and resigns herself to the devil's bargain of keeping up appearances and staying married to an alcoholic who does whatever he pleases. Or she leaves. The primary goal of the alcoholic is met in either circumstance.

You see, your agenda and his agenda are completely opposite today. Your agenda is to save your marriage. His agenda is to save his drinking.

Until he has fully entered into a program of recovery for a substantial amount of time, has cleared the alcohol from his body and the fog from his brain (most say this requires 30 days for the first part and at least 365 days for the second), trying to work on the relationship is, in my opinion, a futile effort.

Alcoholism causes depression. Do not be confused about what is his core problem. It is alcoholism and the bond he has with the bottle. For most active alcoholics, that bond is much stronger than the marital one.

Do what you have to do to get support for yourself and help in dealing with the reality and the options. I would not count on sobriety any day soon. So do what you need to do in order to stay emotionally and physically healthy. The stress is very destructive. And there is no good reason why you should sacrifice your life to someone who, down deep, resents you for being in the way.

LexieCat

I always laugh when alcoholics refuse to go to a program because of alleged "low success rates". What they are usually REALLY afraid of is that it WILL work, and life as they know it has to change.

Sorry for your disappointment. Looking for things that "made" him drink are usually a waste of time. There is always some reason--for me it was that a new day had started and this time I would "handle" it. I agree with EG--alcoholic drinking causes depression.

Apparently you two are separated right now. Keep working on taking good care of you. Keep going to Al-Anon and things will eventually become clearer.

Hugs,

lizatola

I don't have much to offer here in terms of advice. I just wanted to come on and say that I understand your pain and confusion. Even though my AH and I live in the same home, I know we are separated and I know it causes me to feel every emotion from guilt to sadness to fear to anger, etc. Most of the times, I just need to remind myself that my plans are just that: plans, and that they can change at any time. Sometimes by my own will, sometimes by acts of HP(God) or fate or whatever you want to call it.

I was coming on today thinking of posting something similar but I realized I'd be like a broken record because it's the same old same old thing with me. Sending you lots of 'cyber' support and positive thoughts and prayers that you will gain wisdom and guidance to stay on your true path, the one that is meant for you and for you to find peace and serenity.

MTSlideAddict

Yes, sometimes it seems like I’m getting nowhere, and then others everything happens all at once. Sometimes I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything would be in place as to how I wish. *Snap, I’m moved out in a comfortable home with my dog, and no AH hogging and stinking up my sofa.* My reality is, however, that there is no easy way to get from point A to point B. There is no clear lines drawn on a map for me to follow. I just hope I’m going the right direction, and I have to go through the pain and the fear to get to point B. Lately, however, I seem only comfortable enough to dip my toe into the fear. I test the water, but I haven’t stepped in yet. It’s been like that for a few weeks so far. Hopefully, soon I’ll be ready to take a cannon ball leap into the fear, or at least be able to ease in slowly.

Keep working on yourself. Your path will eventually unfold.

Tuffgirl

LoveMeNow posted a page from the Language of Letting Go today that seems quite fitting here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...your-life.html

I am curious what would happen if you didn't emotionally react to the "revelations"?

It seems to me that it was more of a targeted effort on his part to blow you out of the water. What if that stopped working?

Sometimes, when we stop reacting, people stop acting badly, because it no longer works. He probably didn't tell you anything you already didn't know, which I would imagine is part of the upset. So maybe next time he has some revelations - ask him to stop, and request the conversation happen elsewhere, at a time that is more convenient to you (when you are in a better state of mind). Next time he invites you to counseling and then doesn't participate much with you, get up and leave.

Expect he will fight you on anything related to your marriage. It is what addicts do - blame everyone else. Expect this and it won't seem like such a revelation when it happens.

bless5

It seems to me that it was more of a targeted effort on his part to blow you out of the water. What if that stopped working?

That's the key!!!! When I changed my reaction, my A changed his behavior. He'd threaten to move out and I would say, no - we are going to work this out..... The very last time he threatened to leave; I very, very calmly told him that was probably a good idea. I was DONE with the marriage and he knew it. He didn't leave and has NEVER mentioned leaving again.

My A struggled with depression for 20 years and I was always there for him. I finally told him for me to stay, he was going to have to do EVERYTHING in his power to get recover including eating right, exercising, stopping the drinking, etc because continuing his pity-party when he had a wonderful home, family, job, life....Was not going to cut it.
I was his biggest cheerleader for 30 years.... When I stopped cheering and told him that he had to fix this himself and that if I could have fixed all his issued, or I would have done it LONG before. That I was not an Alcoholic, therefore, I could not help him and he needed to get help from other alcoholics that struggle with the same issues. This cheerleader had "left the building" and was not returning. This was a total 180 from before for me and I think it scared him. Then, and only then did recovery begin.

But, and it's a big BUT, I was really DONE and ready to end the 25 year marriage. I guess I hit my bottom and as much as it hurts, I hope you can hit yours because then your own recovery can begin.

Sending hugs!!!

CarryOn

Thank you all for your responses. Feeling better today - spent the day working on the yard with my dad and babysitting my nephew; I'm so lucky to have my family. You each had comments that really stood out to me.

EG - You are so right about our agendas...and he is using mine against me with some of his comments.

Lexie - I always appreciate your experience and perspective, so very insightful and informative. I really could care less why he relapsed. I know the drinking is self-medicating for all the BS in his life that he never dealt with properly. To me, he is holding on to what is holding him back. I also believe he could move forward if he would let it go...but it is up to him to WANT it.

Lizatola/MTSlide - I also keep reminding myself there is no straight line between A & B, and I can move at my own pace. When I told him he wouldn't be coming home with me, I kept telling myself there was no harm in not being able to do it that day - I could do it later if I couldn't handle it, but I did, and it was hard, but I knew and still know it was the right thing for ME.

TuffGirl/Bless5 - It's interesting how posts and others' stories come up at the times we need to read/hear them. I feel I'm getting better at boundaries but am still struggling with detachment. You are right - I need to work on changing my reactions especially as I tend to be very emotional. Also, it was my counseling appointment and the only one he's come to. It was hard, but was good at the same time.

Overall, I'm finding that things happen at the right pace for me, and each hard moment does seem to result in a moment of peace or progress...maybe not immediately but eventually. This is definitely a process and I have a lot yet to learn. Thanks again.

Bluegalangal

I went to a workshop yesterday and the therapist there had a really great visualization, she said to find the seeds of hope, anything, anytime that we had caught ourselves thinking, well, at least I'll have my own couch without a drunk smelly cushion (for example!) - take that and hold onto that and make it a picture in your mind of what your new life might look like. And that can be a "magnet" to help pull you across this bridge and into your new life.

I'm so struggling with point a to point b. Thank you for posting. I don't want to have to do this, and I don't want to do it by myself. But I've come this far, I don't want to turn around and go back; so I keep having to remind myself that nothing changes if nothing changes. It helps me a lot.