Unsure how to set boundaries vs being codependant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Unsure how to set boundaries vs being codependant
I have a question about setting boundaries.
My DH is an alcoholic. We have two small children ages 7 and 4. My husband drinks every night about 4-5 glasses of wine and then on the weekends from the time he gets up throughout the day until he goes to bed about 8 or 9 pm. He still goes to work everyday and never has a hangover. He doesn't "pass out",get beligerent or aggressive or violent. He is more the reclusive drunk and most of the time seems to "function" well not seemingly intoxicated. If you didn't know him you may not even be aware he was drinking. I would say he is in the mid stages of alcoholism. About 2 years ago we had a frank discussion about his drinking, its effects on the family and how I felt he should seek AA. He is a non-confrontational person so there was no back and forth discussing just me talking and him saying he would do better. Fast forward two years and things are still the same. Whenever I bring it up which is rarely anymore he will "cut down for a few days or a week and then its slowly right back to the same patterns of drinking. Like a roller coaster. He has yet to take any action.
Anyhow I recently found out from my children that he is drinking in the car when he picks them up from school. He will stop at a convenience store and pour a tall beer into a cup for the ride home. This to me is appalling. My question is, he doesnt know that I know because he hides it away in the garbage before he comes into the house. (I have searched for the empties). I know I'm not supposed to monitor his drinking and technically he would not be "impaired" yet in the 10 mile drive to our house with his first drink but should I confront him or is that being codependent? Do I let the chips fall where they may and hope someone sees or he gets a DUI or do I intervene? I don't want to be the rescuer but at the same time don't want my kids seeing that and thinking its acceptable. If I do confront him he may just get better at hiding it.
Second question, since I recommended AA two years ago and he has failed to do anything about his drinking do I keep nagging him about it or do I just worry about myself and leave the recovery to him? I read all these stories about family members in treatment and wonder how long it took them to get there. Did they agree on the first discussion or did you have to "nag" some? I guess I am just having trouble with knowing my boundaries.
I am taking care of myself. I have joined online Al-Anon groups and hope to get to a meeting nearby soon. I will be seeing a therapist this week to sort out my codependancy issues. I am planning to visit a divorce lawyer to learn about my rights.
My DH is an alcoholic. We have two small children ages 7 and 4. My husband drinks every night about 4-5 glasses of wine and then on the weekends from the time he gets up throughout the day until he goes to bed about 8 or 9 pm. He still goes to work everyday and never has a hangover. He doesn't "pass out",get beligerent or aggressive or violent. He is more the reclusive drunk and most of the time seems to "function" well not seemingly intoxicated. If you didn't know him you may not even be aware he was drinking. I would say he is in the mid stages of alcoholism. About 2 years ago we had a frank discussion about his drinking, its effects on the family and how I felt he should seek AA. He is a non-confrontational person so there was no back and forth discussing just me talking and him saying he would do better. Fast forward two years and things are still the same. Whenever I bring it up which is rarely anymore he will "cut down for a few days or a week and then its slowly right back to the same patterns of drinking. Like a roller coaster. He has yet to take any action.
Anyhow I recently found out from my children that he is drinking in the car when he picks them up from school. He will stop at a convenience store and pour a tall beer into a cup for the ride home. This to me is appalling. My question is, he doesnt know that I know because he hides it away in the garbage before he comes into the house. (I have searched for the empties). I know I'm not supposed to monitor his drinking and technically he would not be "impaired" yet in the 10 mile drive to our house with his first drink but should I confront him or is that being codependent? Do I let the chips fall where they may and hope someone sees or he gets a DUI or do I intervene? I don't want to be the rescuer but at the same time don't want my kids seeing that and thinking its acceptable. If I do confront him he may just get better at hiding it.
Second question, since I recommended AA two years ago and he has failed to do anything about his drinking do I keep nagging him about it or do I just worry about myself and leave the recovery to him? I read all these stories about family members in treatment and wonder how long it took them to get there. Did they agree on the first discussion or did you have to "nag" some? I guess I am just having trouble with knowing my boundaries.
I am taking care of myself. I have joined online Al-Anon groups and hope to get to a meeting nearby soon. I will be seeing a therapist this week to sort out my codependancy issues. I am planning to visit a divorce lawyer to learn about my rights.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When it comes to the safety of your kids (his drinking in the car with them), worrying about co-dependency is the least of your concerns. He cannot be trusted to drive them. Find another way for them to get home from school.
Nagging and badgering won't help get him to do something about his drinking. Apart from making sure your kids are safe, you need support for YOU to decide what you are willing to live with. I highly recommend Al-Anon.
Nagging and badgering won't help get him to do something about his drinking. Apart from making sure your kids are safe, you need support for YOU to decide what you are willing to live with. I highly recommend Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello unsureoffuture,
No, he will not take any action because of anything you do or say. It has been two years and he has done nothing. I am a recovering alcoholic, the only thing that got me to recovery was being ordered to rehab by my commander in the Army. It was losing my job and my career that forced the issue for me. Luckily for me, I became willing while waiting for a bed. He can only start recovery when he wants to start recovery.
The best and only practical thing you can do is take care of you.
You are going to AlAnon and seeing a therapist, this is excellent news for you and your children.
Your children will learn from you how to take care of themselves and not take on other people's responsibilities to themselves and their families.
Okay, driving with the children while he is impaired is unacceptable.
I am not sure what to do here.
I just could not take a chance on him driving my children home.
Is there any other way for them to get home?
There will be others here with better ideas, I am too close to this situation to be helpful about drinking and driving with children in the car.
To me, it is a red alarm emergency, my father drove us while he was drunk and even worse, I drove drunk with my children.
I can only say:
Children's safety, first, last, and always.
I am glad you found us, unsure.
This is the best place for experience, strength and hope.
Beth
He has yet to take any action.
The best and only practical thing you can do is take care of you.
You are going to AlAnon and seeing a therapist, this is excellent news for you and your children.
Your children will learn from you how to take care of themselves and not take on other people's responsibilities to themselves and their families.
Okay, driving with the children while he is impaired is unacceptable.
I am not sure what to do here.
I just could not take a chance on him driving my children home.
Is there any other way for them to get home?
There will be others here with better ideas, I am too close to this situation to be helpful about drinking and driving with children in the car.
To me, it is a red alarm emergency, my father drove us while he was drunk and even worse, I drove drunk with my children.
I can only say:
Children's safety, first, last, and always.
I am glad you found us, unsure.
This is the best place for experience, strength and hope.
Beth
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear unsureoffuture, In this particular instance (if it were me), I would talk calmly to h im about the matter. Since it is a very short distance and it is his first beer--he can probably "hold off". I'm guessing that he feels safe that he is "getting away with it". If he knows that you know he may want to curtail this practice.
You might consider talking to him about the effects of putting the children in the middle--like him assuming that the k ids will keep the "secret" for him.
Just a thought......
sincerely, dandylion
You might consider talking to him about the effects of putting the children in the middle--like him assuming that the k ids will keep the "secret" for him.
Just a thought......
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I am so sorry. Dealing with an A as a significant other is problematic enough...
If it were me, I would never allow him to drive the kids anywhere. Period. I would also tell him that you know - try to do so calmly (if possible - just do the best you can). This is a definite boundary that you need to set, so I reiterate the others who said they would not worry about codependency in this instance.
As for the recovery - no, there is no point. I completely empathize with your desire to want to push the issue a little. It would seem logical that, because they love us, our significant others would want to do what they have to do to make us happy. But alcoholism is not logical, unfortunately. As the others said, he will find his bottom on his own.
It sounds like you are making great progress on your own recovery though. Good for you!!
If it were me, I would never allow him to drive the kids anywhere. Period. I would also tell him that you know - try to do so calmly (if possible - just do the best you can). This is a definite boundary that you need to set, so I reiterate the others who said they would not worry about codependency in this instance.
As for the recovery - no, there is no point. I completely empathize with your desire to want to push the issue a little. It would seem logical that, because they love us, our significant others would want to do what they have to do to make us happy. But alcoholism is not logical, unfortunately. As the others said, he will find his bottom on his own.
It sounds like you are making great progress on your own recovery though. Good for you!!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: ME
Posts: 14
I feel for you
My AH did this as well. I got a text from my 12 year old daughter that "DADDY IS DRINKING AGAIN" and "I HATE THIS". At the time he was driving to pick up family visiting from another country and he had our two girls in the car.
I had to drive and catch up with them. I had to have them (two girls and visiting nephew) help get him to stop because he would not pick up the phone when I was calling (They finally were successful when they said they had to go to the bathroom) and I plucked them out of his car. I was so angry that he put them in danger that I left him at the gas station where they were stopped and went home with them. When I met up with them he was bodly saying "I haven't been drinking" which all evidence said otherwise (slurred speech, drunken rheumy eyes, barely able to stand straight).
Now he is not allowed to pick up our daughters. He is 34 days sober and counting but I can't trust him enough right now to ensure he won't slip and drive drunk with them in the car. When he drinks he can not be trusted to make any good decisions. The "next right action" is a drink.
For my sanity I deal with the girls. He deals with his sobriety. It is healthier for me not having to worry. I can't control his drinking but I can control the safety of my girls.
I had to drive and catch up with them. I had to have them (two girls and visiting nephew) help get him to stop because he would not pick up the phone when I was calling (They finally were successful when they said they had to go to the bathroom) and I plucked them out of his car. I was so angry that he put them in danger that I left him at the gas station where they were stopped and went home with them. When I met up with them he was bodly saying "I haven't been drinking" which all evidence said otherwise (slurred speech, drunken rheumy eyes, barely able to stand straight).
Now he is not allowed to pick up our daughters. He is 34 days sober and counting but I can't trust him enough right now to ensure he won't slip and drive drunk with them in the car. When he drinks he can not be trusted to make any good decisions. The "next right action" is a drink.
For my sanity I deal with the girls. He deals with his sobriety. It is healthier for me not having to worry. I can't control his drinking but I can control the safety of my girls.
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