TemporaryUser

New to the board and will spend some time here very soon to read more threads. I've read several already and they are very helpful to me, so thanks to everyone!

The reason for my online ID is because I won’t be on this site for long. I have decided to leave my 43-yr-old alcoholic boyfriend of one year. He is not mean at all, but since he’s been an alcoholic for his entire life (which I just learned this month – he hides it well), it has affected his mind and body in a way that he has no desire for human contact in any way, shape, or form. I cannot live without human touch. I moved in with him and put my house up for rent so I’m with him until my tenant’s lease is over next March. I have already talked to him about his addiction and let him know that I would support him if he desired help, but he said that he does not and chooses to drink and wants to drink.

So from time to time, I do have questions of what to do - mainly to help him. I can keep the peace by not mentioning his drinking or his lack of affection. Right now, I am wondering if I should say anything about when I find the empty bottles hidden in bushes or flowerbeds, etc. or do I just leave him be and ignore the situation since my decision has been made? I care about him and just want to do what’s right, but I don’t know what that is at the moment. I read that alcoholics usually don’t get help until someone notices they have a problem and voice their concern. I have done that. I have researched and read what to do and not do, etc etc, but just have lingering questions when they arise… because I do care even though I have decided not to make his life my life.

I also am unsure if he’s an alcoholic or abuses alcohol because I can’t seem to get clear about the difference… and if it even matters at this point with him.

Thank you.

DreamsofSerenity

I don't think voicing concern helps alcoholics very often. Alcoholics have to reach rock bottom and no one know what this looks like. For some of them it is homelessness and others even death.

I would get into Al Anon ASAP and learn how to protect yourself from this horrible disease. Being around an alcoholic will make you sick too. I don't really know whether you should tell him you found his empties or not. I'm inclined to say "no" because I think it will only end up hurting you somehow. Leave him and his booze alone to duel it out, and just work on saving yourself.

Warm welcome to SR!

marie1960

How would mentioning the empty bottles benefit YOU?

I am more concerned in the fact that March is 10 months away, that's an awful long time to be stuck in this situation. I would be searching for a new temporary living situation. People are always looking for roommates, people need house sitters, where there is a will there is a way.

Alcoholism is a disease, the only cure is to abstain, and embrace a recovery program.

His actions are creating the sad and unmanageable issues. That is what this disease does, it causes our lives to spiral out of control.

keep reading and feel free to ask all the questions you need.

We are here to support you.

Florence

To answer one of your questions, once someone is hiding the empties and not putting them in the trash or recycling like a normal adult, you're knee-deep in alcoholic territory. OTOH, if someone is NOT hiding the empties and instead keeps a house empty of food and beverage except for vodka...

The drinking is his problem, but as friends and family, we often find ourselves battling relationship patterns that keep us mired in addict relationships, or in unsatisfying relationships with unavailable people. If this seems familiar, hey, welcome, read on.

BlueSkies1

It's his bushes, right? His house? Do you think he knows those bottles are there in the bushes? My guess he does. So what does informing him that you know they are there accomplish?
It's a control manuever, albeit a passive one. If he wants liquor bottles in his bushes, let him. Not for me, not for you, but to each his own, and it's his house.

What can you do to help you through this time period? If you have to live with him because of finances, then there's the question of how to survive this time period. What little things can you do to make your days pleasant, regardless of whether he is drunk or not?
Can you remove yourself easily from his house for the evening, and the whole night, should you feel uncomfortable? Can you afford a hotel or do you have a friend that will take you in for the night on short notice? Just things to think about in your planning to always have an exit plan available.

If he doesn't want any intimacy, have you discussed that you are only roommates? Do you need to pay him rent to feel better about the situation? (Maybe you already do) Would you then be free to come and go as you please without having to answer to him or inform him of what you are doing, who with, and when? What ways can you change the situation and live more peacefully in it? If there are little things that bother you, such as that he wants to know where you are and when, then the relationship is imbalanced because he wants to know these intimate things about you but doesn't share intimate things about himself (like that he drinks that much, or why there is no affection or sex) then can you find a way to restore balance? Do you feel obligated in ways that are imbalanced? What can you do to restore balance, fairness, and safe feeling boundaries?

Noticing I'm not talking about helping him at all? He doesn't want help, in fact, he doesn't even want your imput on the subject of alcohol. If you don't believe me, ask him yourself.
The focus needs to be on you. How can we help you? How can you help yourself?
He already knows he drinks too much! He's the one drinking it right? Nobody is sneaking it down his throat while he's passed out? Then assume he knows, and you can pretty much assume also that he wants to make the decisions about his own life, including how much alcohol he consumes.
I'm not trying to be a smartass. I'm trying to point out to you what you already on some level know.

wicked

What is right at this moment, is for you to take care of you.
(I am a recovering alcoholic, and no one could get me to recovery but ME!)
So, leave him to his own devices, leave his bottles where he hides them, and leave his recovery (or lack of) to him.

Your only obligation in this life, in my opinion, is to live your best life.
10 months is a long time to live with alcoholism. I cannot see any good outcome for you.
Any attempt you make to "help" him will be met with angry resentment, and after a while, that can be disheartening and depressing.

Please consider finding another place to stay, or at the very least spend as little time possible around him. He will get worse, that is a fact.

TU, I am in recovery, I have been married to an alcoholic/addict and my family of origin is full of very sick alcoholics.
When I tell you it will get bad, please believe me.

How do you think he will take it when you say, "Well, I have a date tonight"?
Or have you been thinking of spending the next ten months alone?
You do not need to answer here. Just something to consider.

Come back whenever you need to ask a question. You might not hear what you want to hear, but it will be from the heart, and it comes from a place of wanting to spare you the pain.



Beth

atalose

At this point in time why mention the empty’s that you have found. It’s not going to change a darn thing.

It’s been my experience that voicing your concerns to an alcoholic falls on deaf ears. And you have already done this, you have already talked to him about his addiction and he’s told you exactly who and how he wants to be.

My concern also is with you subjecting yourself to this daily living situation for the next 10 months.

When you were dating him for the last year was there human contact at all? Is this something new he’s developed since you have moved in?

FireSprite

Welcome to the board!

IMO, I see no point in mentioning the empties to him - it can't possibly serve any positive purpose since it sounds like he has CLEARLY stated his desire to drink. I understand why this decision doesn't sit well with YOU, but it's his decision to make & unfortunately, live with.

I agree with the other posters that 10 months seems like a long time to drag out this ordeal if you've both already made up your minds about how you are going forward in life. It really sounds to me like the perfect breeding ground for problems & resentments.

You mention having questions about ways to help him, but I think that's going about things the wrong way. You need to be way more concerned with YOU. I have never heard any theory that substantiates that addicts tend to get help once a loved one voices a concern. In fact, in my experience & throughout all the stories I've ever read here at SR, I think the opposite is more true. I hope you stick around & keep reading!

TemporaryUser

Thank you all for the great responses. You don't have to worry about telling me straight. I prefer it that way. Also know that I have never been around an alcoholic so this is all new to me, but have learned a lot in a short period of time by reading and talking to an ex-wife of an alcoholic. I was on my to an al-anon meeting and decided it wasn't what I wanted my life to be since I don't plan on sticking around. To answer your questions:

I moved in with the b/f rather quickly because I saw how good he was and how different he was from all the joe blows I had met and dated. He treated me well... still does considering. I realize that was a mistake on my part and I knew better. I'm smarter than that. There were signs and I brought them up. I heard the excuses that he is shy, that he doesn't think about hugging me cuz he has other things on his mind, but invites me to hug him when I want and to initiate when I want, he always had an excuse, says he needs encouragement... blah blah blah, doesn't want sex in the morning, his bladder is full.... He told me that he's lost interest in sex through the years and we even had his blood tested at the doctor thinking it could be medical. NOT. After I moved in, I honestly thought he may be gay, but researching that left me with more questions. When I finally realized he was a functioning alcoholic, I researched alcohol and intimacy and THAT all fit in to place perfectly. When I mentioned that I'd support him if he got help, he told me he was in rehab once when a teenager (and I even researched how to have that talk with an alcoholic so I'm doing everything I can). He chooses to drink. Funny thing is... he rarely gets drunk - since he met me anyway (maybe 4 times in a year at that). He told me he used to drink A LOT more. Now, he just passes out (falls asleep) after 5 or 6 beers. He can drink a beer or two every other day and be okay. To me, it's not how much you drink, but how it effects you. And, considering he used to drink more and NEEDS it, he's an alcoholic. The reasons I'm staying till March are many. He works 2nd shift so I rarely see him and on weekends we may spend 12 hours a day together and it's easy to do; we get along well as long as I don't bring up intimacy and alcohol. He's not mean and he doesn't always drink so it won't be hard to do. As for dating, I don't really do much of that anyway when I'm single. It's hard to meet men in this area. If he does get drunk and gets irate, then I do have a place to go, no problem. I also can't just pick up and move because I have a 60 lb. dog that will remain at my side. I can come and go as I want and do things with friends without him questioning me, he doesn't want to know intimate things about me, it's all about him anyway and he doesn't care about a damn thing at all, he's very easy going; I have mentioned that we're only roommates and he didn't like that, I do pay rent! LOL, From researching, hearing all of your stories and I consider you all experts, and my experience are the reasons why I HAVE MADE THE DECISION TO LEAVE. But, if he chooses to get help, I will be his FRIEND and support him however I can from my own house. I will NOT live my life with him. I do dumb things, but I'm not stupid.

In the next 10 months, I will be shopping for things to remodel my home (plus have to repurchase a bed, tv, table, etc). I put myself on a strict budget so that I can use the tenants' funds for this. This keeps my mind occupied and something to look forward to... It will be refreshing & uplifting to be in an upgraded home. I have planned monthly girls' days out and on Sundays we tend to go to his parents. IT WILL BE OKAY... will feel like eternity, but will be okay. Dating or meeting someone new will be what's on hold because I don't cheat. However, I do have an overwhelming sense of guilt over this secret of knowing what I have planned and he hasn't a clue. But, I am watching out for myself.

I came to this board to find answers on some of the nagging questions I do come up with. And, I have another one. I do enjoy a beer occasionally on a Saturday afternoon or so. I can drink socially. I have not drank anything in his presence since I approached him with the "talk". Since he made his decision, am I able to drink in front of him??? I mean, is it the right thing to do?

I hope I answered all your questions. Thanks again. I love all the responses and it's great to hear things straight up. Will help me stay strong and not waiver in my decision because when I tell him, it will kill him. He may go through an anger stage, but it will tear him up. But... ME FIRST.

OnawaMiniya

Hi Temporary,

Others have given great advice and words of wisdom.

There is nothing I could add, just wanted to say sorry you are dealing with this.

Take care of YOU.

Peace.

LexieCat

Well, I don't think I'd care to be in your shoes, upgraded house or not, but it's your decision, obviously.

Still, I don't quite get it. You are not going to date, because you don't cheat, yet you have no intention of staying involved with this guy. In fact, you'd be gone now if it weren't for your housing issue, if I'm following you correctly. Are you playing along and leading him to believe you are in an intimate relationship with this guy? Is that fair to him?

My own feeling is that if you have zero interest in an intimate relationship (and I'm talking emotional intimacy, at least, if he has no interest in physical intimacy), then the decent thing to do is to tell him you consider him a roommate and you are going to live your own life in the meantime. You ought to be paying him rent, under the circumstances.

If you want to be friends, be friends, but the least you can do is to be upfront. And if he is still drinking with no interest in quitting, then I guess if you want to drink around him you can.

It just all seems very surreal.

Oh, and incidentally, I wouldn't necessarily write off Al-Anon just because you don't plan to stay with this guy. I know people who are in Al-Anon to cope with the effects of neighbors or co-workers who are alcoholic. If you are going to be living in the same household as an alcoholic, you more than qualify.

TemporaryUser

LexieCat, you are very right and I feel overwhelming guilt. He begged me and begged me to move in and then didn't help me one single bit with any of it or getting my house rentable. I made foolish mistake att that point and made excuses for him. In one of his arguments, he wanted to kick me out. Then begged me to stay... that was 3 weeks affter tenants moved in. I have a 60 lb. Dog and can't just go anywhere or afford any place and then move twice more? I wish things were easier or different. If I tell him I just want to be friends or roommates, I will certainly have to go... and where? I am in an area with no family and not many friends. I'm not from this area. You are right in everythg u said, but I feel like he put me in this situation. I do pay him rent, half the bills. I ask him for affction and he pats y head or hip. I'm on phone now and can't see what I type so I will close. I appreciate ur opinion, its right on, and tha

TemporaryUser

And that is why this is soooo difficult for me.

Recovering2

He did not put you in this situation, it was your decision to move in with him. You are looking at 10 months living with an alcoholic, AlAnon would be a great benefit to you. There is a reason you are enmeshed with this man, so even if you leave AlAnon will help you figure that out.

Life is short...and there are no guarantees. You seem to be settling. What if you only had 1 yr left? Is this how you would plan to spend it?

dandylion

Dear Temporary user, sometimes we get ourselves between a rock and a hard spot. Also, we don't really get to know the depths of a person until we have lived with them--especially if we haven't known them for very long. Good for you that you can draw a boundry as to what you are willing to live with in your life--long term. At least, you aren't willing to sacrifice several years of your life with an active alcoholic--just to find out that it doesn't work!!!

Right now, from where I sit, It looks like he is willing to have you live there as long as it is a "romantic relationship" with long-term comittment. Since you can no longer go there---it looks like you need another place to live. Otherwise, it looks like you will have to "live a lie" in order to have a place to live. That just seems, to me, to be a very high personal cost to yourself. You will pay in guilt feelings. UUghh.

Soo--finding a place to live that accepts a sweet dog would be your biggest problem.......? That can be solved. It really can.

By the way, he may have a melt-down and accuse you of all sort so things--but, trust me--he will live!! He is an alcoholic--he will just cling to the bottle ever m ore closely. But, alcoholism is his problem to cope with. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

sincerely, dandylion

Mountainmanbob

LexieCat

I think, personally, I would find a place to move. You have income from the place you have rented. It's habitable, even if you would like to have the upgrades. You should be able to afford a place with a pet deposit. My own peace in my living situation would certainly trump having new paint and carpets. Yes, it is inconvenient, and a pain in the neck to move, but I think you are signing on for 10 months of feeling miserable for the sake of not rocking the boat.

Alternatively, you might check into house-sharing arrangements with people who want nothing more than someone to share the rent. The dog makes it a LITTLE more difficult, but not necessarily impossible. I just think the current situation sounds very uncomfortable.

TemporaryUser

You all are all VERY RIGHT on all accounts and this gives me a lot to think about and look into. I know what I'm doing is wrong and I am such a good person, the kind who is the one who usually gets wronged by others, so this hurts me because I've always done right by others until now; I just didn't know what to do. I guess not hating his company makes it hard, too. Why couldn't he just be mean?! I appreciate the responses and will even see what's out there for rent this weekend. I could be honest with him now, but I'm afraid of the drama that will come out of it because I told him what I needed and wanted in March and we argued for most of the month about it. I looked at rentals then and nothing worked for me. What a tangled web we weave. Ugh. I don't know how I could be so stable and in my own home for 9 years and then let someone just rip my life apart like this. Thanks again everyone!!! You're saying things I already know in my heart.

TemporaryUser

I may even try to gain the courage to talk to him and see where he wants me to go. He may like getting half his bills paid... I don't know.

LexieCat

Well, he hasn't deliberately wronged you, any more than you are trying to deliberately wrong him. You two are simply not on the same page, ya know? So mistakes happen, and maybe you each bear some responsibility for that. But since YOU are the one who is the most uncomfortable with the situation, YOU are the one who has to take responsibility for taking action to make your life what you want it to be.

Yes, scout around. My bet is that you will find something that may not be perfect but will give you a safe place to live in the meantime. Who knows--you may decide to stay in your own place longer, raise the rent a bit on your old place and make enough to still do those eventual upgrades.

BTW, be sure you are tracking all of your business expenses for renting your home. I once owned rental property and it was a huge tax-saver!