Lulu39

Repeat it after me:

Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.

In April XAH (he is still actively drinking and taking drugs) asked me, again (via email we are no contact) for my banking details so he could pay child support directly to me. I did not respond directly - I just forwarded the email I sent to him last November containing my banking details.

He asked again about two weeks ago, via email, for my banking details so he could pay child support privately. He said I had not ever replied with my banking details. I again forwarded the original email containing my banking details from last November.

Last Thursday, payday, he sent an email saying he was caught up at work and couldn't get to the bank to pay - apparently he is no longer able to conduct Internet banking - perhaps he forgot how? Who would know.

Last Friday he sent a similar email - he couldn't take a full lunch hour and therefore was unable to get to the bank to pay.

This Monday he sent an email saying that he forgot to pay child support and besides, he spent a lot of money on the kids when he had them on Friday night (WTF? He bought them a takeaway Malaysian dinner, he must be BANKRUPT from that!) however, he would be sure to pay in the next day or so and start to make up the arrears.

Guess what? N O T H I N G! No child support paid. Not one red cent.

It's not like I didn't know he wouldn't pay. I knew from the moment he asked for my banking details for the third time that he would not pay. I knew from what he wrote that they were just words and that he would not pay.

It's not like my children, HIS children, need his money to survive. I did it alone for umpteen years anyway when he WAS living here so I can do just fine without that ******** or his money thankyouverymuch.

Yet, I am so dumb. I knew they were just words. I knew he would NOT pay the child support because he NEVER EVER does what he says he is going to do. That's part of why he does not live here any more.

Somewhere inside me I had this stupid little glimmer of hope that he would match his actions to his words. He didn't. Never has, never will. It was all just verbal diarrhoea.




Note to self: Expect NO T H I N G

Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.

LexieCat

Yup--I used to get a phone call once a year from my second husband asking if I wanted him to mail me this book of mine that he had. Small thing, but I said, "Sure." Of course it was never sent, and a year later I'd get a call asking the same thing.

I think it's both an excuse for contact, as well as an attempt to get brownie points for good intentions.

You are right on the money about those expectations. We can really set ourselves up that way.

Florence

I'm guilty of this myself. Intentions are not facts or acts. It might be time to pursue automatic withdrawal through the state, maybe through his paycheck. It takes the onus off of you to chase him down for money.

BlueSkies1

I so agree with florence! Take the madness out of this equation. The state will take the money from his paycheck and send it to you. No communication necessary, because this isn't about communication...it's simply let's see the money.
Put the money where your mouth is! Since he can't do that...the state will eagerly do it for him.

The state won't call you up. It won't want to have a discussion about this week's or month's payments. It won't want to discuss details over and over again. It won't want to discuss what was spent on this that or the other thing lately. The state doesn't want to talk to either of you. It works wonderfully...efficiently...and simply transfers the money. Who needs to talk here? Nobody...no talk needed.

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry, Lulu.

I'm currently trying to lower my expectations of my AH... perhaps lowering them to the point that I'm no longer his wife.

I wish you didn't have to feel that disappointment. Hugs.

lillamy

Ditto Florence. Hand it over to the state, that way they'll garnish his wages without you having to get involved.

Lulu39

I have handed it over to the state...last November...on their website it states he owes me a couple of thousand. The state has told me they have communicated with him and are confident he will voluntarily pay, so they find no cause to take child support through his wages. He must have pulled out all the stops to charm whoever he dealt with there.

About a month ago I wrote to them and told them he hadn't paid me anything since February. No response from them.

I may get what he owes, eventually, if he ever does his tax ever again.

LexieCat

I would call. Letters sometimes get misfiled.

Funny, I paid child support for about eighteen years or so, and we had to specifically decline the requirement that I pay through probation. It's the rule in NJ that you pay through probation unless there is a specific order to the contrary. Of course, I was excruciatingly conscientious about my support obligation--and during a couple of brief periods where I was unemployed or making significantly less money, the kiddos' dad agreed to a temporary reduction or relief (I repaid anything I owed to him, with interest, directly).

Hammer

Ok.

Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.

Thanks, Lulu.

Even typed them rather than Cut and Paste.

Just hoping it might sink in.

---------------

mkay. Truth.

I have really been looking forward to getting to hold on to some resentment.

I justify that by telling myself, by keeping and harboring those resentments, it will caution me to not repeat what caused them. Figuring, of course, self-righteously, that I did not cause or help cause them. See how that works? All neat and tidy. My resentments exist for a just cause.

(can I possibly hit more Off The Beam thinking in just one post?)

Archangelesk

[QUOTE=Florence;3968668]Intentions are not facts.QUOTE]

I am writing that down. Thank you, Florence.

wicked

Okay, I bust out laughing when I read this, because it was true for me too!
I was the long suffering, in recovery, trying to raise two children with minimum payments.
Oh yeah, can I get an AMEN!

Thank you Lulu,

Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.
Expectations are future resentments.

and, I would like to add something I am learning from AlAnon.

Acceptance is the key to my serenity today.

I emphasize learning, I think acceptance may be the key to everything.

Sorry for wandering off topic Lulu.


If he has already had his info taken by the state, they might believe his foolishness now, but numbers do not lie. I had to sometimes call the state office and ask,
"What is up with no payments? I know he is working! Here is the address."
Just my experience, finally he just ran away and lives in Louisiana.
No driver's license. Living with an emotionally abusive alcoholic.
I do pray for him though, I have to.

Beth

PurpleWilder

State child support enforcement agencies are absolutely flooded with work. Don't be afraid to be politely persistent that they pursue your case. You need to forward those emails stating that he would pay, and then show that he hasn't.

But you must get that withholding down in a legal document. No 'shake on it' agreements. It's not about being mean or money grubbing. If you need the money and your children are entitled to it don't feel guilty about making sure they get it. If you have no immediate need for it, place it in a college fund or savings account for when they get older or if they have an emergency.

Be persistent! Good luck.