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21 in trouble looking at jail time!

Old 05-15-2013, 12:32 PM
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21 in trouble looking at jail time!

Hi all this site is so helpfull, thank you all!!!
Let me start my niece was raised by a drug addict mother. Her father lives in another state. She was going to school on a full scholarship, than met a bad boy that's when she started the stinking thinking. Lost her drivers license keep getting arrested for driving on spended license. Everyone has been helping her but she keeps making the bad choices. She was in a car accident two weeks ago and might end up in jail. She is still playing all of us. We are all on to her now, but do we got a lawyer and help her one last time? Oh she has spent the pass year living off of people that have been trying to help and keeps burning bridges.
Oh yeah, she is in love and he gets out of jail next Monday??????,
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:00 PM
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I’m pretty sure it was not the bad boy that caused her stinking thinking but the fact she was raised by a drug addict mother. Other wise she wouldn’t have pick this type of guy at all.

If it were me, I’d let her figure this one out herself. There are public defenders that she would have access to.

I am a very strong believer in tuff love. I also use people’s own history to tell me the future. The past year she has spent living off of others and burning bridges so how would providing her the privilege of hiring her an attorney make a real difference with her.

And if the boy friend is getting out of jail next week – how about letting her see first hand what he’s all about, have him hire her an attorney and have him help her out.
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by nogames View Post

do we got a lawyer and help her one last time?

Oh yeah, she is in love and he gets out of jail next Monday??????,
you all save your money
she can get a free court appointed lawyer

yes we live in a great country

her boyfriends getting out soon
and
she may be going in soon
sounds like a match made in heaven ---- not
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:12 PM
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Sorry to hear you have a family member going through so much and such a young age at that. I suppose that could be the silver lining her age. She can turn this around, if she wants, and make a huge difference before shpiddles her life away.

I wouldn't offer any help other than moral support. She neds to learn there are consequences for her decsions. If your family members and friends continue to bail her out there is a great chance she may not realize that until later in life or worst, never.

My AH started out at young age and in trouble with the law (DUI's and PI's mostly). His parents bailed him out constantly. To this day, and 4th DUI to date, he has been unable to take responsibilty for his actions. Some of his behavior, granted, is due to his capability to manipulate others (which is common in AH's).

Ultimatley you don't control her future, or her present, but I wouldn't help her out.
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:26 PM
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Nope, don't step in to fix this one. You mention that everyone has been helping, but she keeps making bad choices. That's because the A figures out that no matter what happens others will help out. They need to fully experience the consequences of their choices if they're ever going to recover.

She's 21. She can get figure it out. She can get a court appointed lawyer. In my AlAnon meeting last night, a woman shared that her daughter was in much the same situation. She said she finally realized that all these years SHE had been acting as her daughter's Higher Power, always stepping in to handle things. She has finally decided to get out of the way of the REAL Higher Power, and let her daughter find her path.
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:34 PM
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I was a prosecutor for 22 years, and the Public Defenders I worked with were as good as the vast majority of private criminal lawyers in terms of the results they got for their clients.

She is legally an adult (and has been for a few years), so I would let her start dealing personally with the consequences of her actions.
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:44 PM
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Thank you all so much.. Up date not only did her friend rescue her she has a broken leg.
I told her to call her probation officer so we can have a three way converstion to find out if she can recover where we live(another state) because she found new people to help her she let it go..... Here we go I called a attorney in her state a found out she has warrants for her probation crap again she continued to get behind the wheel!!!!
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Old 05-15-2013, 11:56 PM
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So this afternoon she called crying but what she doesn't know I'm now talking to her Dad. My sister the drug addict lied so much that I found out because her dad traveled and we all lived an hour away!!! It gave the addict the best hostage space!!!!!! When it finely got to were we could see it to help we though this girl because she was so successful in high school that she was ok I love this kid so much I know we are doing the right thing.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:06 AM
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Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what is happening. It sounds as if everyone around her is rushing around trying to "help" her while she continues to do her thing.

You've given us no indication that she actually WANTS to stop living the way she is living. She is crying because she might have to go to jail (which might be the best thing for her at this point), and what she is seeing is everyone around her rushing around to save her from having to go.

Alcoholics and addicts change ONLY when they have sufficient INTERNAL reasons to want to quit. I quit drinking because I felt desperate enough inside (despite my life looking "not so bad" on the outside) that I felt I had no other option. Multiple arrests, probation, car accident--none of that seems to have fazed her. What makes you think that bailing her out this time will make a difference?

I know you love your niece, but if love and "help" were enough to get someone sober, we'd all be living happily at home with our sober loved ones.
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Old 05-16-2013, 06:18 AM
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[QUOTE=LexieCat;3967712]I was a prosecutor for 22 years, and the Public Defenders I worked with were as good as the vast majority of private criminal lawyers in terms of the results they got for their clients.

Thank you for disclosing. I know can get a better grasp on your perspective in posting.
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Old 05-16-2013, 07:58 AM
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Thank you lexie
I was just writing about what was going on. You are right she is not ready.
But oh well... We are all detaching with love. She is shocked that this is happening.
We are not bailing her out.
It's still hard to watch!!! We all have banded together and set our bountries. I know I can't fix it or her......we are all letting go and letting her higher power take over.
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:05 AM
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nogames,

TUFF LOVE !!!!!

Now is not the time to get all caught up in who knew what and when? Who lied and who’s telling the truth…..now is the time to move forward with a real plan on how YOU are going to help this girl help herself.

You have facts in front of you to work with and those are far better to work with then the raw emotions that are fueling you and your love for her.

Facts: she uses, she lies and she’s played everyone. She has warrants out for her arrest because she chooses NOT to follow rules (probation) that have already been set her for.

Your love right now wants to: smother her with love and understanding. Try and make up for what your own sister has not done for her. Cushion her fall, help her heal her leg and take a break from what she has to face.

But it sounds like that is exactly what she has been doing…..taking a break from what she chooses NOT to face. When is her day to face life on life’s terms – not on her terms?
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:40 AM
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Thank you I needed to here that!!!
Im the one telling everyone to back off and let her fall. She still has people feeling sorry for her. God I hate my SISTER!!!!!!!! When she calls we remind her that this was her choice. So hopefully she will turn herself in....
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:45 AM
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How crazy she fines out she has warrants out for her, gets all dressed up and goes to church!!! I haven't heard today if she chooses to turn herself in or run?
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Old 05-16-2013, 08:48 AM
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Are you in AlAnon? You have family dynamics that make this tough, AlAnon would be a great source of help and support for you. Kudos to you for setting boundaries and not rushing in to help. She is still young, so if faced with having to figure out how to deal with the consequences of her behavior at this age, it may save her in the long run. If everyone keeps taking care of it for her, then Nothing changes if Nothing changes.
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:28 PM
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Yes, finely found a few day meetings I work nights..the posts are helping a lot. It's crazy that the young people don't respect the law????
Her friends are fine with her waiting a week before she turns herself in!!!!
Yes LOOKING at the facts.
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by nogames View Post
How crazy she fines out she has warrants out for her, gets all dressed up and goes to church!!! I haven't heard today if she chooses to turn herself in or run?
Perhaps she is praying that this will all go away? Sadly, it won't as a warrant stays with you.
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Old 05-16-2013, 12:42 PM
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It's funny I'm sure she thinks that..... I wish her friends would stop enabling her.
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