Tryingtoletgo3

I just received a call from my lawyer stating that our initial divorce hearing has been moved to next week now because STBXAHs lawyer has another engagement. Does it not matter to the judge that I took off work for the initial day, as did my family and the domestic violence advocate? Obviously not. So, ex initially asked for joint physical custody. Both lawyers have now stated they know this is not going to happen due to his history and issues. He is agreeing to supervised visitation, but states that he has been sober and is doing amazing.....BULLSH*T! I ran into him recently at the grocery store and he was drunk. He also recently lost his job....Ok. I don't expect people who have no education or personal experience with an addict to see through his lies and manipulation. So I ask for Soberlink or similiar monitoring- Denied! So I ask for court ordered counseling for him- Denied! They are pushing for 30 days of supervised visitation and then having the entire thing revisited to prove that he is on the up and up.....I know from experience that he can stay sober for 30 days. Hell, I saw him stay sober for 9 months. That doesn't change the fact that he has paranoid personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder on top of anger issues and he always falls back off the wagon. 30 days is a joke after showing 15 years of legal issues due to his drinking in black and white that prove that he can go for periods being sober, but always falls back hard. He is an alcoholic. He has hard core mental health issues that cause him to have dangerous behavior. He has a history of domestic violence with me and the kids. Lets look at all of this and give him 30 days of supervised visitation.....BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T, BULLSH*T!!!!!!
And on top of it all, our son is 8 months old, blind, and terrified of male voices because for the first 5 months of his life all he heard was daddy screaming and breaking things. He hasn't seen his dad in almost 3 months now and I am not going to be allowed there during the period where he is reintroduced to him as comfort because STBXAH states that he is scared of me because all I have tried to do is cause him harm! I called the police and sought a protective order after I had had enough of him being physically abusive towards me! AAGHHH and the court is falling for his manipulative, self-pity crap!!
vent over for now

stella27

request a psych eval. Take yourself and your baby with you to counseling. And then ask your lawyer to have the counselor testify about the baby's needs and the steps you are taking.

DG0409

I am so sorry to hear you're experiencing this.

I remember filing for a restraining order against my ex and I was so scared they would listen to all his lies because he was so smart, manipulative, and willing to lie excessively. It was such a relief to me that the court saw through all his BS and granted me the restraining order. They pretty much told him he was an a$$, too!

I can only imagine how hard it would be to deal with the same thing and have the court not see through the BS.

My heart goes out to you.

Tryingtoletgo3

DG- I have the protective order. It was granted. Unfortunately, the judge hearing the divorce case has decided to dismiss it for our son so that he can be given parenting time. It was granted because he locked me, my 4 year old and our 8 month old in a bedroom, attempted to throw our sons crib with him in it, attempted to strike my 4 year old, and then punched me in the stomach while I was pregnant with our second son because I tried to stop him. I called 911. They could hear me screaming for help and could hear him screaming at me and threatening me. Prosecutor refused to file charges. The area we live in is a joke for womens rights and childrens rights. Men are king.... Sooo frustrating!

wanttobehealthy

I don't even know what to say... This is madness and I am experiencing much the same nonsense as you.

Judges who think it is SANE to have a RO against a person bc of his violence toward a partner but who also think that same abuser is safe with his kids ought to take a look at the number of horrible news stories where the abuser ALSO turns on his kids. How many "we made a mistake and will investigate this" stories like Susan Powell's kids or any number of local news stories need to occur before judges wise up.

Can the DV advocate help you at all?

Tryingtoletgo3

We go to court Tuesday and I have come up with a list of things I would like for my son's sake. My lawyer is telling me they are unreasonable, but I am not budging. What do you guys think?
1. 6 months of supervised visitation with a professional supervisor- alcohol testing during this time period for non-visitation days.
2. Family counseling with a therapist who has experience with substance abuse, divorce, and coparenting a special needs child (already have a great one on recommendation.)- this is important to me because he refuses to communicate with me. i have worked so hard to keep my son on track and I feel that if dad is going to be involved, he should be openly communicating about our son in a healthy manner, no more bullying.
3. Agreement to communicate and share in sons drs appts and treatments
4. Sole physical and legal custody to me
5. Dad attends parenting classes

LexieCat

I don't think they sound unreasonable, but they may be unrealistic. Your lawyer has a better idea of what you can realistically get.

Remember, even if they sound reasonable to you, if they look unreasonable to the court then everything you ask for will be looked at as unreasonable.

If you trust your lawyer, I would follow his/her advice. It's what you are paying for. See if you can boil down what your biggest concerns are and ask how those concerns can be addressed in the context of the agreement.

wicked

I cannot get past this. Of course you are being more than reasonable.
Your lawyer does not sound very reasonable in my opinion.
I hope LexieCat can help you.
I will pray for you and your children.

HP please give Tryingtoletgo strength to get through this ordeal, and get what is fair, right and just for her and her children.

Beth

Tryingtoletgo3

LexieCat- My biggest concerns are keeping my son safe...STBXAH is the worst alcoholic I have ever encountered (and I am a substance abuse counselor.) He has a 15 year criminal record for alcohol related offenses, has serious diagnosed mental health issues that pose a danger to our son and has shown time and time again that he will not follow court appointed rules (he has violated parole and/or probation to the point of being returned to jail/prison 9 times!) He is a violent, out of control monster and I have no doubt that if he drinks while with our son, he will kill him. His father molested him as a child and yet he lives with him! Both parents not only condone his drinking, but they help blame it on everyone else and buy him booze.... I just feel absolutely helpless in this situation and it seems like I am banging my head against a wall. I don't want to keep him from our son. Quite the opposite. During periods of sobriety, he is a good man and I believe will be a good dad. It is just the points where he returns to drinking, and he always returns to drinking, that are scaring the hell out of me. I am seriously close to gathering what I can and getting the hell out of this state with my kids.

Tryingtoletgo3

stella- I requested a psych eval. It was denied. I have called DCS, they told me there is nothing they can do until he physically harms our son. I have reached out to every resource I can think of....

AnvilheadII

what if you changed your tactics....went for full custody and NO visitation which then puts the onus on HIM to prove himself a worthy parent???

and i too am floored that your attorney says you are being unreasonable in your request.

if the STBXAH is that f'd up maybe he wouldn't even notice if you left the state.

Florence

In Indiana this can backfire. If the judge thinks you're vindictive, the fallback standard is joint custody and visitation according to the state guidelines, which are liberal.

If you feel up to it and feel like you are capable of playing chess, force this into mediation, which is often recommended in Indiana before going before a judge. Ask for everything you want times ten, then pare it down to something more "reasonable" in negotiation.

AnvilheadII

thanks Florence, i wasn't aware of the "legal culture" regarding divorce in Indiana.

Archangelesk

I think that you lead with the 2nd part - you want him to have a relationship with his father. BUT, everything you know about this man (list facts objectively) indicates that this must be supervised. A lot of what happens has to do with establishing yourself as calm and credible.

"I want _ to have a relationship with his father. The only thing I want more than that is for our son to be safe. I have observed extremely violent and unstable behavior and it is my sincere belief that our son's life is in immediate danger while _ is drinking. This is why supervised visitation and family counseling is a necessity." Were I a judge, and someone looked me in the eye and sad this steadily and calmly with deep sincerity, I would think about whether I could sleep at night if I did not maximize protection to the child. In this context, your list looks very reasonable to me. It may be that it is unrealistic, based on the lawyer's experience of what gets granted. But that does not mean not to ask for it. I would just make sure to put the concern for the father's connection up front, call your son "our" son (watch the pronouns!) and be very, very calm.

I think (and I am not sure and cannot offer legal advice), that if you leave the state, your ex can file a peitition for custody and complain that you left the jurisdiction with the kids. I assume you filed this custody petition?

wanttobehealthy

Tryingtoletgo- I am so sorry you are going through this... My xAH is undiagnosed NPD at best and I think he's closer to sociopath than not and is a raging abuser and alcoholic and there is nothing legally that I did that helped my case in arguing against shared custody and requesting visitation be supervised. The courts are idiots in IN and in my state and my guess is in many others too. The presumption without child abuse reports (that are deemed founded) in my state is that time equally with both parents is in the best interest of the child. I think it's way for the courts to rush through proceedings and spend less time sorting out who is and isn't competentant as a parent. Clearly my kids spending any time, let alone half their time with their "father" is not good for them but the court thinks so. And that WITH a restraining order against him.

Sorry for my rant... I just know all too well where you are at right now and sadly you will probably be jerked around more and more by the "well meaning" court just like me before anything is resolved.

Sending warm thoughts and hope your way.

Archangelesk

Geez. This is why I am not a divorce attorney. I'd never be able to function if the stakes were that high for my clients. With what I do, the worst I could loose would be money. Sigh. This thread makes me so sad.

Florence

Tryingtoletgo3, I sent you a private message.