Feeling weak today, please help me get through this
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Feeling weak today, please help me get through this
I feel so weak today. Every night I go home and think I will start packing, then I am too tired and I am drained. I am definitely moving out, there really is no other healthy option at this point. I just can’t seem to get started. I am avoiding the emotional pain of deconstructing the home I have shared with my partner of 10 years. This is so hard and I have avoided this for so long. I did everything I could to avoid the end of our relationship. I truly believed for so long that our relationship would work out, that he would get over addiction and we would live happily ever after. Now something that I worked so hard at for ten years has failed and I have to look it in the face. What I tried so hard to avoid, is now unavoidable. Please help me get through this.
I’m also overwhelmed about the details. I am moving out at the end of May and do not want to pay rent for June. This means I may have to tell him, before I am actually moved out, and I worry that he will try to come home early. Maybe he won’t but I have anxiety about him showing up before I am out. When do I tell the realty company? His name is on the lease and I won’t be legally held responsible for unpaid rent, but I also don’t want to saddle him with bills he won’t be able to pay. He likely has to be the one to call them to terminate the lease. I will pay half of the early termination fee. These details are totally overwhelming to me right now and I feel like my head is spinning. I don’t know when it’s too early or late to tell him. I need to avoid as much drama as possible and I need advice on how to do that.
I’m also overwhelmed about the details. I am moving out at the end of May and do not want to pay rent for June. This means I may have to tell him, before I am actually moved out, and I worry that he will try to come home early. Maybe he won’t but I have anxiety about him showing up before I am out. When do I tell the realty company? His name is on the lease and I won’t be legally held responsible for unpaid rent, but I also don’t want to saddle him with bills he won’t be able to pay. He likely has to be the one to call them to terminate the lease. I will pay half of the early termination fee. These details are totally overwhelming to me right now and I feel like my head is spinning. I don’t know when it’s too early or late to tell him. I need to avoid as much drama as possible and I need advice on how to do that.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Start by taking a deep breath. Relax. Try not think of this change as such a burden or stressful moment. Think of it as an opportunity to began anew. Start over fresh and work on you. You are not obligated to tell him anything. Yes, it would probaly be the right thing to do but it is however your choice. Just as it is your choice to leave. You clearly have made the decision in your mind but your heart is hurting because your human.
Don't leave this relationship feeling as though you have failed. You cannot change, control, or cure another individual. I would suggest seeking an Al-Anon group in your area for some support. Also, SR is a great place to come for encouragement and support.
I wish you all the best of luck! Everything will be ok!!!!
Don't leave this relationship feeling as though you have failed. You cannot change, control, or cure another individual. I would suggest seeking an Al-Anon group in your area for some support. Also, SR is a great place to come for encouragement and support.
I wish you all the best of luck! Everything will be ok!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
Is there anyone who could help with the packing and moral support? I don't know how open you've been with friends, neighbors, coworkers, relatives, etc. about what's going on with you and your partner, but I know I have a very hard time sharing stuff about my personal life with others, but when I do I almost always find that people are much more understanding and supportive than I expect--I've especially found that with coworkers. (And I have a pretty good family too--but I know that's not true for everyone). Maybe just commit to just one box today, and take in baby-steps? Would you be willing/able to pay June rent so you can have the conversation you need to have with your partner when you are more comfortable having it? I can understand not wanting to pay rent on a place you are not living in, and maybe you can't swing it financially, but if you can--well, I think peace of mind is worth a lot.
I don't know if any of that helps you--I'm just throwing some ideas out there.
I don't know if any of that helps you--I'm just throwing some ideas out there.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: The beautiful Midwest
Posts: 202
Shutterbug..... things WILL get better! keep yourself busy and don't dwell on the negative thoughts. When you start feeling sad and down, GET BUSY with something to take your mind off of it. Things will work out as they are supposed to.
When I was in your shoes, I picked one thing to do each night.... not letting my mind get overwhelmed with ALL I knew needed done. Just focus on one thing at a time..... like tonight I am going thru the kitchen and packing up what I will need for ME. Tomorrow night I will pack up my photos..... the next night I will gather items my children made for me....etc...etc..... I think you will find that onece you get started, youmight even do more than one area each night.
I know its hard making a change. I will be needing support myself again after I get MY mind straight and start loving myself again.
Hugz...
When I was in your shoes, I picked one thing to do each night.... not letting my mind get overwhelmed with ALL I knew needed done. Just focus on one thing at a time..... like tonight I am going thru the kitchen and packing up what I will need for ME. Tomorrow night I will pack up my photos..... the next night I will gather items my children made for me....etc...etc..... I think you will find that onece you get started, youmight even do more than one area each night.
I know its hard making a change. I will be needing support myself again after I get MY mind straight and start loving myself again.
Hugz...
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Are you on the lease? If not then you are not bound or responsible for anything. And I wouldn’t at this point bargain paying anything toward early lease termination, keep that as a wild card in your back pocket for now.
He is still active correct? The best policy is never giving any money to anyone in active addiction for any reason, it tends to never go where it should despite the best of intentions.
And if you aren’t on the lease I don’t understand why you would need to tell him anything. Just leave, quietly is always best, with little information given out. And this is for you not him. And this is how you avoid drama. Just in case you don’t know you do not have to explain a damn thing to anyone about the decisions you need to make for yourself. And it is probably safer and less complicating if you don’t. You aren’t obligated, surely you have expressed enough haven’t you how you can’t live like this, in this madness…
He is still active correct? The best policy is never giving any money to anyone in active addiction for any reason, it tends to never go where it should despite the best of intentions.
And if you aren’t on the lease I don’t understand why you would need to tell him anything. Just leave, quietly is always best, with little information given out. And this is for you not him. And this is how you avoid drama. Just in case you don’t know you do not have to explain a damn thing to anyone about the decisions you need to make for yourself. And it is probably safer and less complicating if you don’t. You aren’t obligated, surely you have expressed enough haven’t you how you can’t live like this, in this madness…
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
atalose, he has never been physically violent with me in the past. It’s just that I’ve seen him get so drunk several times when it almost seemed like he was tripping/hallucinating and definitely not himself. It was quite scary simply because he was not himself. Only on one occasion did he get insanely drunk and start screaming that he was the most powerful person and better then all of us (friends were over) and he could kill us, he was the devil etc. He was standing on the bed screaming for several hours till he calmed down. I almost called the police and stayed up all night in fear that he would wake up and hurt us. It was TERRIFYING. One of my friends never came back to our house again, understandably. But aside from that one incident, which happened several years ago, he’s never been that bad. I just fear that he is capable of going there.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
incitingsilence, he is the one on the lease. He is in rehab now. I feel like if I approach it as a suspension of our relationship, it may pan out smoother because he won’t feel the abandonment he struggles with so much and therefore will be less tempted to act out. If he doesn’t act out, this will be so much easier for both of us. I am trying to control it aren’t I? I am trying to find the easiest way out of this mess and am trying to do the right thing to minimize damage to both of us. I still care for him, but cannot be with him so I have to leave, but don’t want to do it in a callous way….I’m so confused.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m glad it was never physical. And I am glad you have a friend coming to help you. Maybe just the sheer act of packing and beginning the move will be all you’ll have to do unless he’s a complete idiot. Probably no need for a lot of discussions and try not to let him drag you into any.
Do you have a new place yet? Can you start moving some things out now and put them in the new place or in a friend’s garage?
Start with all the things you value the most, clothes, any sentiment family loom type things….always get the most important things first…..especially you. And you may want to re-think your friend staying with you and you stay with your friend for now while you are moving.
Do you have a new place yet? Can you start moving some things out now and put them in the new place or in a friend’s garage?
Start with all the things you value the most, clothes, any sentiment family loom type things….always get the most important things first…..especially you. And you may want to re-think your friend staying with you and you stay with your friend for now while you are moving.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
He's in for 30 days which is up around the first week in June, then he transfers to a 40 day program. I wanted to wait until he was in the 40 day program to tell him, but the timing is off because of rent. I really don't want to pay for an extra month when I'm saving to move out.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I hired movers to get my stuff out of the rented house I had with my second husband. Part of the reason I moved was he went and signed a lease renewal without my consent after I told him not to--that we could not afford it--and I was the only one working. I believe I left him one month's rent and told him he was then on his own.
When I moved out of my subsequent apartment to move back to NJ several months later, I felt exhausted, just like you, and a good Al-Anon friend came over and got me started, opening boxes and just throwing stuff into it. It got me going.
Just get moving (so to speak)--it's getting started that's the hard part.
Hugs,
When I moved out of my subsequent apartment to move back to NJ several months later, I felt exhausted, just like you, and a good Al-Anon friend came over and got me started, opening boxes and just throwing stuff into it. It got me going.
Just get moving (so to speak)--it's getting started that's the hard part.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
You know, this has nothing to do with him … and even though I am huge on being fair, civil, and as sane as possible, I don’t know how to be fair here.
But I have to say this, you wrote that you fear he is capable of going there…into that insanity you saw before.
So now it becomes if you are in fear then you need to do this the way that keeps you safe and doesn’t involve him at all. I have such a hard time understanding why everyone feels the need to share their ever move. It isn’t warranted. If it is over, it is. There doesn’t need to be an explanation. Could it be the codie in you, needing it to all work out nice and neatly, that peacemaker part, the part that hates the confrontation…I have to ask are you walking on eggshells still with him away, playing the scenarios out in your head? You can not predict any of his reactions, it isn’t possible but there is a reason why you fear where he will go and that is because of something he did or said. Even if it seem insane to yourself, pay attention to that.
And it is some twisted sense of controlling, the outcome, but you won’t ever be able to. No matter how you choose to leave, it will turn out good or bad and you won‘t know till you know… the part of concern should always be what is safest.
But I have to say this, you wrote that you fear he is capable of going there…into that insanity you saw before.
So now it becomes if you are in fear then you need to do this the way that keeps you safe and doesn’t involve him at all. I have such a hard time understanding why everyone feels the need to share their ever move. It isn’t warranted. If it is over, it is. There doesn’t need to be an explanation. Could it be the codie in you, needing it to all work out nice and neatly, that peacemaker part, the part that hates the confrontation…I have to ask are you walking on eggshells still with him away, playing the scenarios out in your head? You can not predict any of his reactions, it isn’t possible but there is a reason why you fear where he will go and that is because of something he did or said. Even if it seem insane to yourself, pay attention to that.
And it is some twisted sense of controlling, the outcome, but you won’t ever be able to. No matter how you choose to leave, it will turn out good or bad and you won‘t know till you know… the part of concern should always be what is safest.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Hi Shutterbug
Moving out is not an easy step to make huni. I can only tell you what I did. After months of saying I would end things, I finally did it without any thinking or planning. I arrived home from working a night shift, wrecked tired and looking forward to some sleep. I walked into the bedroom where my xabf was sleeping off another hangover. The smell of the stale alcohol coupled with my need to sleep just flicked a switch in my head. I opened the curtains and the windows and told him to get up and pack his stuff and go. Then I ran downstairs, phoned my friend and left. When I arrived back 4 hours later he had packed all his belongings. It tore me apart because I wanted the alcoholic in him to go but when faced with it I realised how much I would miss the other side of him. But he left. Here I am 4 months later, it's still hard, I still miss him but I do sleep easier which is something I hadn't done in a long long time. I couldn't do it when I had to plan it but that one morning it just clicked that I deserved to have a nice, comfortable home to come home as I work so so hard.
Good luck with things shutterbug, try to focus on your new chance to change your life for the better. It's not easy, but how easy is your life living with him. xx
Moving out is not an easy step to make huni. I can only tell you what I did. After months of saying I would end things, I finally did it without any thinking or planning. I arrived home from working a night shift, wrecked tired and looking forward to some sleep. I walked into the bedroom where my xabf was sleeping off another hangover. The smell of the stale alcohol coupled with my need to sleep just flicked a switch in my head. I opened the curtains and the windows and told him to get up and pack his stuff and go. Then I ran downstairs, phoned my friend and left. When I arrived back 4 hours later he had packed all his belongings. It tore me apart because I wanted the alcoholic in him to go but when faced with it I realised how much I would miss the other side of him. But he left. Here I am 4 months later, it's still hard, I still miss him but I do sleep easier which is something I hadn't done in a long long time. I couldn't do it when I had to plan it but that one morning it just clicked that I deserved to have a nice, comfortable home to come home as I work so so hard.
Good luck with things shutterbug, try to focus on your new chance to change your life for the better. It's not easy, but how easy is your life living with him. xx
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I have been through two divorces, and it is never easy, even when your feelings are completely gone (and it sounds like yours are not). My strategy was just to rip the bandaid off and do as much as possible before my feelings had a chance to overwhelm me. i just kept going until the divorce was filed for and he was out.
However, if doing a bit at a time works well for you, go for it. Whatever works! Just keep going - one small thing at a time. Before you know it, you will be finished.
However, if doing a bit at a time works well for you, go for it. Whatever works! Just keep going - one small thing at a time. Before you know it, you will be finished.
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