SoConfused410

I've posted about my good friend with a problem with alcohol before. In March, he admitted he had a problem with alcohol, but of course, he continued to drink. I didn't say anything because I see it as his problem to deal with. Well, he has started calling me when he is intoxicated. He called me friday night completely wasted. He was saying all kinds of crazy things! I was repulsed!!! When he called me saturday, he said he knew he talked to me, but he had no idea of what he said. Of course, he had all the excuses, his drinking is getting better, he doesn't drink as often. Sunday was Mother's Day so his excuse was everyone that was there had a beer and others had more, the excuses never end. I didn't say anything, I just wanted to get off of the phone until he asked me a question that brought it all out. I told him the truth, his drinking is still a problem, he makes all kinds of excuses to justify it, and I think he needs professional help to quit. He called hisself quitting on his own, but we see how that went. I told him it is his problem to deal with, I have no control in it, but I can control allowing myself to be subjected to alcohol's effects on him.
When I spoke to him yesterday afternoon, he was very aggressive saying things like he's not out committing crimes or things like that. I guess he was feeling like he's not a bad person because he drinks, I don't know. I know he was struggling with his feelings. Later on in the evening he thanked me for being honest and said he needed to hear it. The thing is I feel like he has some sort of resentment towards me and/or he is ashamed. He's really not talking to me. We normally talk several times a day. Is it normal for someone facing their addiction to withdraw from people? Is it possible that he does feel ashamed and doesn't want to face me right now? I'm thinking I need to just give him space to work it out. I miss my friend though...any advice?

Tamerua

He probably didn't want to believe his problem was that bad and you laid it out to him. How would you react if someone did that to you over a work thing? I'm not saying what you did was bad, he probably needed to hear it. But he also probably needs time to process it, especially if he thought no one knew. Make sense? He will come around.

LexieCat

Maintaining a friendship with an active alcoholic can be every bit as frustrating as having a partner, parent, or child who is an active alcoholic. I suggest you avail yourself of Al-Anon. You have the right not to engage with him when he is drinking.

Arguing with him about whether he has a problem, and what he needs to do about it is useless. He wants to keep drinking. He wants to be able to continue to drink and is trying to "manage" it so he can. Obviously he is failing, but it took me, personally, four and a half years of trying to "manage" my drinking before I was ready to throw in the towel. Some people just continue to spiral down for years and years and years.

You can let him know that you care about your friendship, but that his drinking is interfering with that. You can tell him that you will no longer talk to him on the phone when he is drinking--that you will hang up. IOW, you can create some boundaries to protect your own sanity.

Please give Al-Anon a try. There are some very good tools that will help reduce your frustration with this situation.

SoConfused410

Thank you for responding!

Tamerua...he did actually think he was doing better with his drinking by not drinking every day, but when he has been drinking he gets sloshed. Oh well, it's up to him to deal with, I can't control him.

LexieCat...I will give Al-Anon a try. I told him I value our friendship, but like you said, I won't talk to him when he is intoxicated.

I appreciate your advice, I guess he'll come around eventually, but I will maintain my boundaries though.

Tamerua

Soconfused, I think your honesty was great. The alcoholic mind is great at playing tricks. I would wake up, look in the fridge the next morning and think, hey! I only had a bottle and a half of wine... Not both completely, I'm doing great! Lol

Recovering2

His decision to drink is his. You can only decide what YOUR reactions will be. Set firm boundaries. I would not accept a call when he is drunk. I would not respond to a text. I would not answer the door. You're not responsible for him, you don't have to get dragged into his decisions.

Definitely seek out AlAnon. You will learn how to follow through on this, and leave him on his own path. He will either get it...or he won't. Either way you have no control. You can only take care of you.

FWIW.....if he pushes your boundaries or becomes angry/defensive...he's not a friend.