nothopeful1

For so long I let his craziness, his moods, his everything decide what my days and nights would be like. What mood I would be in.

He's 2 weeks in on AT LEAST a 90 day program. I've been angry, sad, numb, hopeless, doubtful, moody. You name it. I will not spend another day letting what he's done effect me anymore. The light has exposed everything. There are no more questions. Yes. He WAS drinking. YES. He was using cocaine. NO. He was not loyal or faithful. I consider strip clubs cheating. I consider confiding to some one cheating. I now know what addiction is and I now realize the marriage I had planned will never happen. I will never be his only person. The addict needs so many confidants. So many sober companions and life coaches. And quiet honestly, he will not be my special person. He can't be. There are so many things that he's insecure about that I will NEVER be able to be completely be myself around him.
There are problems I will never burden him with. This person can't handle life, much less conflict.

I don't know if I'm done. I don't know if I will leave him. I don't know what my role in his life will be.

But I do know that right now, I control my future. I control my moods, choices, heart and schedule. I will not even allow myself to communicate for at least another month and a half.

And today and tonight I'm happy. With me.

OnawaMiniya

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been put through. But it's awesome that you are taking such a strong attitude....good for you!

Wishing you the path to peace.

Peace.

Tuffgirl

Well said!!

nothopeful1

Thanks. I've had 5 letters in 2 days from AH from rehab. He's asking for support. He's needing affirmations. I'm working on my tan with my 2 year old and enjoyed getting my seventeen yr old daughter ready for prom.

The help I've found here has helped me immensely. I write him letters pouring out my heart, my pain, my utter disgust. And I put them in a drawer. I won't hurt his recovery with my pain. I will work on me and I will not feel guilty for not jumping on the "I'm here for you honey" band wagon. He got himself here. Only he can get himself well.

I can't tell you how liberating and powerful I feel. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for replying back. It means so much!!

wicked

You are doing it! Yay on the suntan and the prom!

Exactly.

Beth

lovesunandsnow

" I've been angry, sad, numb, hopeless, doubtful, moody. You name it. I will not spend another day letting what he's done effect me anymore. The light has exposed everything."


I have to say I feel this way at least once a week and my exabf and I have been broken up for 9 months. I keep letting him occupy my mind and what you said is true! Why do I do this? I will keep looking to figure out but really Your just really healthy, keep it up...

nothopeful1

It's been a long year! He's on 3 rehab in less than a year. This time could be 3-6 months. IF he stays. All I can say is read EVERYTHING here and read the book codependent no more. Try really hard NOT to react. Then examine what your reactions motivation is. You cannot change or cure them. But YOU can change yourself!

Lyssy

You are not alone in your feelings. I too was at my "line in the sand" when H went to rehab this time. I too, decided that I was going to start taking care of myself and let him deal with his actions (or lack of actions). You are much, much stronger and resolute than I was, but I am walking the baby steps. I am doing things for myself, by myself and getting out of my comfort zone.

I too, am not sure where H fits into my life (if at all), but I HAVE made up my mind that his actions (or lack there of), will NOT determine mine.

I am new here also! Stay strong, enjoy the kidos and keep reading!