amy55

I was in an abusive relationship for over 25 years, left it and was divorced 2 years later. Yes, he was an alcoholic, I also became an alcoholic. I stopped drinking about 6 months ago.

Guess all that is besides the point of why I still come here and go to family and friends.

I come here, not to re-live what I went through, but so that if someone, was seeing, feeling, hearing the same things that I did when I was going through this, I guess I just want them to know that they are not crazy. I didn't know what to do, or who to talk to, who to believe.

Most times, I try to do this by telling my story. BUT, what I need to know, is if that works. I guess I do that, so that the other person will know that I experienced a lot of what they did, BUT, is that then sort of like taking away from the initial OP. Is it sort of like I am hijacking the thread?

I really do worry about this, because OP should be what thread is about.

I would appreciate any opinions on this.

Don't even know if this post makes sense, but I think you will understand.

love4menotu

Amy - I am married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. He finally left two weeks ago and I am devastated. I keep having to remind myself of why my marriage has to end. He just yells and threatens me, right? Couldn't I just keep my mouth shut and stay married for another 20 years?

I am 44 years old, this is my second marriage and this was my last shot at romance. And it's over, after only a year and a half. I'm terrified of him. There mere thought of him and his anger makes me shake.

I don't know what I would have done without your posts tonight. The hope that he will change haunts me, keeps me awake at night, and unable to enjoy my life.

Your story shows me that there will still be life after all of this mess. And that I will be happy again someday - it's just that life has thrown me a curve ball.

Don't stop posting. You helped ME today.

LexieCat

We are ALL here to share our "Experience, Strength, and Hope." You, dear Amy, have all of that in abundance.

I'm very glad you are here. I may be an "expert" of sorts in DV, but YOU have LIVED it, and come through on the other side. So it is YOU who can be an inspiration to the people still living in the nightmare you survived.

Keep posting!!!!

amy55

Wow,

Thank you so much, but need to tell you, that yes, there is life after all of this.

I bought my own house, it was a foreclosure, got it cheap, fixing it up, remodeled kitchen, bathroom, next is basement.

I also thought 2nd marriage, now age 57, but so what!!!!!!!

I need to finally love me.

I don't go looking for love anymore, if it happens, it happens. My mom was 75 when it happened again.

And you helped me today, thank you.

amy55

Thanks Lexie, I just don't know if I am doing it in the right way. Didn't know if I should personalize with my own story, or de-personalize things.

Sometimes I don't know if I should just say "run", or bring someone to the depth of the abyss, by actually telling what I went through, and predicting what they will hear.

I am always happy to see your responses that homicide can happen in seconds.

That is true.

I guess I just needed a little bit more, then a little bit more, before I could actually believe that.

And sometimes, I still don't know what I am thinking. Sometimes, I think that if I can just get someone feeling comfortable to share, that they might listen to all of the other warnings.

I think I know, that I didn't, or at least it seemed that way, but I think I was actually listening.

I just really don't know if what I am doing is right, especially in a somewhat dangerous situation. It's like I am saying to sit and think, instead of get the h3ll out of there.

lillamy

Amy,

I really get a lot out of your posts. There is healing in other people's stories, comfort in knowing that you're not alone, hope in seeing that someone else has gone through what you're going through and come out on the other side.

I often think people telling their own stories can be more helpful than people giving advice.

amy55

Oh lillamy, I get so much out of your posts also, just love them. If I remember correctly, I think you got about as crazy as I did. Maybe not, but were you the one with the shotgun???? (lol)

Katiekate

Keep posting, always good stuff from you amy.

It's so helpful to all of us. And thanks

SparkleKitty

Keep on bringing it, Amy!

Dee74

Our experience is the most valuable thing we have to share Amy.
Keep on doing what you're doin'...

congrats on that 6 months too

D

amy55

I guess what I really need to know is when should I more access a situation, and tell it like I think it is, and stop relating my own situation to it?

I think I am wondering this, because, ok my ex was or is an alcoholic, but I look more at the abuse aspect instead of alcoholism.

I tend not to even consider the drinking aspect or drug aspect, I just look at the behavior.

I joined this forum because I am an alcoholic. I can admit that, can also finally admit my ex is (was) an alcoholic. I wouldn't know anymore if he is drinking or not. I don't even care.

My marriage didn't end because of drinking. It ended because of abuse.

The abuse would have been there with or without drinking. Don't know whether it would have been there without my ex having an undiagnosed mental illness. I'll never know, he wouldn't go for an eval.

Don't even know if I belong in this section? Don't really know where I belong.

I don't really need anymore kudos for talking about what I went thru, guess I really need the strong reason for why others are here, and why you answer the posts the way that you do?

If I am sounding confused, I guess you are right.

I do read here a lot, and I thank you for all of your ESH. It makes me think.

Archangelesk

I think a post with some story to explain where you are coming from is valuable. I find the stories people tell to be very, very helpful in gaining insight and perspective.

And from what I have seen, you give advice that is on point and compassionate.

This community works. And, wow, has it been working for me lately. Just typing it all out helps me process and grow. And I feel so much less alone when people take the time to respond to my posts.

I am glad you are here.

amy55

I just need to say this, I was questioning how some of my responses might have seemed maybe a bit like "me, me, I want attention", and may have took away from the OP (original poster).

I don't want attention. It's not "me me". Just didn't know how I was coming across to people.

But----

I did get some PM's asking me for more info as to what I went thru, and I am happy to share with anyone. I did actually cry when I got them. For me, it means that there might be just one less person that goes thru all the sh!t that I went thru.

Guess I am even really sorry about this thread, because I don't want things to be about me.

But will keep posting and telling my story, instead of saying to just run. Which is really what I do want to say most of the time.

Still again, I don't know what I am talking about. But you know what, that is OK.

We help each other, support each other, and love each other, and that is what it is, and that is because we made it that way.

Love you all, and thanks for bearing with me

Archangelesk

This makes me smile, one codependent to another. I was just worrying today about how what I was saying on this forum might come across, and what other posters might think. (Did I just talk too much about myself, was I too pushy or too quick to offer advice, same types of thoughts as you)

But, I think we don't need to worry about or own the feelings of all these people quit so much. They will take or leave what we have to say, just as we do when we read.

And we will continue to post with the best of intentions and trust that that is what most people are here to do.

amy55

I do know that we all post with the best intentions. And everyone can take what they want or leave the rest.

I do know what you are saying.

This is so hard for me, sometimes I can feel a potentionaly imminent danger. I can't for some reason, just say to "run". I feel like I need to develop trust first, and that might not be the right thing at that time. It's sort of like I am trying to develop a trust thing while the other person is coming in the house with a gun.

I don't respond to a lot of the posts here, I respond to the ones that sound familiar to me.

I know that I am still not making sense, and having difficulty spelling also.

I guess it may be because I never did consider my ex an alcoholic even though he was, but I more associated things with a mental illness.

I will never know if he had a mental illness, like bipolar, but researched it alot. and I know that many alcoholics have a mental illness.

So, some posts do resonate with me.

and here I am talking about me some more.

I just don't want anyone else to do all the d@mn research that I did, go thru the same heart ache that I did, then find out the same thing, there is no answer. There will never be an answer.

The answer is:

You didn't cause it
You can't change it
You can't cure it

It is what it is, but it becomes what you make it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lillamy

No, wasn't me with the shotgun (although I do like mah guns...). Crazy, though, that was me...

So Amy, think back on when you were in the thick of it. What would have helped you? What would have gotten through? What would you have been able to hear?

I absolutely love your insight that you have to earn someone's trust before you can give advice. I just tend to forget that here and go straight to "run! Run for the hills!!" Even though I know that whenever someone said that to ME when I was in the thick of it, I pulled down the iron curtain and decided that person couldn't possibly understand how special MY AH was or how much I loved him...

I also understand the sense of urgency. I was offered help to get out of my marriage and run away, by a few friends who saw before i did that AXH was dangerous. I wasn't ready but got really mad at the people trying to "stage a Codie intervention" and broke contact with them. When I was ready, years later, all it took was seven words, someone saying: "What you are living with is abuse."

I think that yeah, maybe we take too much responsibility for how other people react to our words. Maybe part of it is control and fear (I've found those two are always linked). But I also think that being aware of the effect of your words is an art form that's endangered. It's a good thing.

But at the end of the day... You can only tell your story and hope it helps someone. And if they are ready to hear, they will. And if they are not ready, there isn't a thing you can so about the choices they make.

Keep telling your story, friend. I if helps only one person, it's worth it.

Jazzman

I know what you mean.

I read a lot of posts but respond only to a very few. Sometimes I don't respond to any for weeks at a time then get on a roll again. I stay away from personal "hot button" posts or melodrama so I can be fair and objective and only respond where I have experience.

I try not to get too caught up with the fact that there are so many here that need real help and I'm just not qualified or in a position to assist. If I did that I'd just stay away altogether!

BTW, I think people that have the most to offer are the ones who have hit bottom and bounced back

kasie

Hi Amy,

I originally came to this forum looking for answers. I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 5.5 years and in that time endured emotional and verbal abuse; on one occasion it nearly turned physical. He's been in and out of countless rehab facilities, and each time I think I'll let go, for some reason I can't (I'm off the scale when it comes to codependency). His parents (both alcoholics too) have threatened me, subjected me to verbal and emotional abuse, threatened to call the police (for what I don't know) and jeopardise my livelihood. I think that's even harder to take as they're adults - and they should know better (but they're alcoholics, I know!).

What I have found through this forum is love and acceptance from a beautiful family - of which you're a part of. People who don't judge, people who know how I feel, people who know that it's not so easy to just pack up and leave. It's been the most comforting place for me to grow, learn about myself and realise that I'm stronger than I think I am.

I'm in my mid 20s and, because of people like you sharing your story, I know that I can wake up each morning and continue on with life - and expect good things to happen because I'm valuable, special and deserve it. You, and many others, sharing your experiences of recovery, building new lives and forging ahead despite the hurt (physical and emotional) we have endured.

To you - and those who keep on posting about their story - you're not hijacking a thread. You're providing the strength and leading by example that people like me need. It's because of people like you that I come back here - to hear your stories of hope, courage, determination and strength when life can be cruel - and to know that if you do it, I can too.

Like they say in AlAnon, keep coming back.

Xxx

PippiLngstockng

Hi Amy,

Well, you've all helped me along the way!

Part of the question here is how to best help someone who is caught in an abusive relationship. I came here when things were very hard in my life. (Not that it's easy now!). What made me leave wasn't resolve. I had tons of that. It was having after many years of work, having made for myself a new life and a safe place to escape from my past world with AH. No one on a forum was going to convince me of something that monumental.

I think people find themselves here when they are looking for answers and they have already figured out that their lives can't continue without profound change.

What I find here, from you and from many others, is what you say earlier. Reassurance that I'm not totally nuts, confirmation that stbx is an A and an abusive narcissist, comaraderie, the voices of experience, kindness, all manner of revealing insights, problem solving strategies, kindness again, understanding, truth and support.

If someone isn't ready to get out of an abusive relationship, nothing we say is necessarily going to make a big shift. I wasn't ready to get out before because I needed to have a plan first. When I made my plan, I didn't even realize that's what I was doing. I was so secretive about it all, I didn't even really tell myself!

One thing we should keep doing here is reinforcing that it does get much better. I feel stronger and more confident all the time. It's so great to have stepped out of that mess and into the sunshine! Hallelujah!

I think you and everyone should keep right on telling their stories. There's often spmething to be learned from even small anecdotes or the craziest longest threads! Yay team SR! We're awesome!

Bluegalangal

Dear Amy,

I find so much value in what everyone posts. I too worry about hijacking but as you know sometimes it's hard not to share and sometimes it's validating to hear, hey, you went through this too and you made it. Maybe I can make it too.

Thank you for ALL of this... your ongoing posts and this thread too.