Repost: I'm Putting This Where I was Told
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I'm starting to think that the answer to dealing with addicts is actually very simple: don't deal with addicts. We all make things so much more complicated than they need to be--I did the same thing so please know I don't judge you. Your daughter needs to be out of your house and out of your business, end of story. Are you going to make it happen or not? If you can not make it happen, you need to ask yourself what is getting in the way and work on fixing it. I'd say the same to anyone, even my mother who is held captive by my adult addict brother. It just comes down to one thing: she needs to get him out of the house. Talking about anything else pertaining to the situation unless it is about her own recovery and how she can make this happen, is a waste of time. Similarly, you can vent all you like about your daughter's terrible behavior (and I agree it is terrible), but it changes nothing, accomplishes, and wastes your energy. Make a decision right now: are you getting her out or not? If yes, start focusing your energy on how to do that today.
Addiction SUCKS. It's a tragedy like any other. But look at it this way, if your house burned down, would you argue with the Universe about what had happened and try and undo it, or would you build a new house? You'd build a new house. Build a new life without your daughter in it.
Addiction SUCKS. It's a tragedy like any other. But look at it this way, if your house burned down, would you argue with the Universe about what had happened and try and undo it, or would you build a new house? You'd build a new house. Build a new life without your daughter in it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Dadofone, alcoholism is a FAMILY disease and I'm afraid you all have the sickness, not just your daughter. You don't have to put a bottle to your mouth to be sick from this disease, just love an alcoholic is all it takes. What others are telling you is that you have a choice to get well so that maybe you might when you are well will be there to help the others in your family. Choices can only be made to get well by the individual and pushing will not get them there no matter how loud you yell or threaten. Someone here once said " The airlines tell you to put the oxygen mask on first before you try to put it on your child, because what good can you do if you can't breath?"
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by DadofOne 
okay , fair enough-today is another day-but tell me this-if their "SH**" is their "SH**" then what do you do when it has a direct impact on you each and every day. My office is at home. I am here for it all 100% and I cannot afford to have an office outside of my home. Am I to just sit, watch this happen, watch all the rules of my house be broken, watch and listen to all the b/s that accompanies my daughter until she does get out with this guy? Am I to not even voice my opinion of the situation? AM to "take it dry" as the saying goes, in my own home, that I pay for and provide for, until she is good and ready to go? Also, what happens if I put the boot to her and tell her she has to leave in one week or whatever the case and then my wife goes against that? As she has in the past? "I will not turn her out to the streets, there is a right way and a wrong way and that is the wrong way, what parent would turn their child onto the streets" and that has been 'stop, rewind and play' on me for two or three years now. I am just so damned exasperated each and every day it seems that it is just that like a tape recorder.
Stop-Rewind-Play
Stop-Rewind-Play
Buuuutttt, it seems okay to speak from our own view and/or experience.
Mr. Hammer would show them the door.
Sing along?
al bundy - psycho dad - YouTube
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm starting to think that the answer to dealing with addicts is actually very simple: don't deal with addicts. We all make things so much more complicated than they need to be--I did the same thing so please know I don't judge you. Your daughter needs to be out of your house and out of your business, end of story. Are you going to make it happen or not? If you can not make it happen, you need to ask yourself what is getting in the way and work on fixing it.
...Addiction SUCKS. It's a tragedy like any other. But look at it this way, if your house burned down, would you argue with the Universe about what had happened and try and undo it, or would you build a new house? You'd build a new house. Build a new life without your daughter in it.
...Addiction SUCKS. It's a tragedy like any other. But look at it this way, if your house burned down, would you argue with the Universe about what had happened and try and undo it, or would you build a new house? You'd build a new house. Build a new life without your daughter in it.
When I was able to get through the FOG (Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) the steps were pretty clear. I had told my AH that if he continued drinking he wasn't allowed to stay with us. He chose to drink, over and over. Eventually I had to get the cojones to make good on my statements and kick him out and be the bad guy, even if it meant alienating myself from my friends and family. I did it a few times and took him back a few times, then finally I changed the locks on the door.
I won't lie, it had ripple effects on friends and family. I lost a lot of friends, and I lost my family's goodwill. His parents are pissed at me.
But! It was and is unfair for us to have to bear the burden of my husband's addiction indefinitely when he had no real intentions of changing. It's still unfair and I think they should cut him off too. They probably won't.
Your dispute with your wife about how to help with the daughter is enabling the daughter. Your fear, and your wife's obligation and guilt, are working in your addict daughter's favor. She will exploit that until you cut her off.
The thing about addiction? There's nothing we can say or do to make an addict "get it." The best thing we can do for them is cut the umbilical cord. If they fall, we let them fall, and we don't pick them up. We have to learn the difference between helping and enabling. And they have to learn how to stand on their own two feet, without our money to spend or our shoulders to cry on.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
A final suggestion from me. This was one of the best things that helped me define my boundaries in the beginning:
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
Good luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
Good luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's the problem: you can't have it both ways. You can't placate your wife by allowing your stepdaughter to stay AND have peace and serenity in your home. It cannot be done.
So your choices boil down, it seems to me, to having a showdown with your wife, or learning to live with the chaos in your household. Doing nothing will change nothing. You may have to risk her extreme displeasure. She may get over it, she may not. Maybe you WILL wind up in divorce court. But is that REALLY worse than what you are enduring right now? You sound like you are at the end of your rope. You never know--if your wife sees you are ready to head out the door she may come around. Or not, but you won't know unless you start putting those boundaries in place. You can't possibly plan for every contingency, but if you are as desperate as you sound, you will have to take some risks.
And as far as your experience with Al-Anon goes, who cares whether other members approve of your smoking pot? Why even go there? There is no requirement that you reveal every aspect of your personal life in meetings. You are there to learn how to cope with the effects of dealing with the addict in your life. Stick with what is relevant. Try another group, and try being more discreet about that aspect of your personal life. As Hammer said, it isn't usual for people to be judgmental in Al-Anon, but you also must remember that everyone in there has suffered as a result of dealing with other people's addictions, so some of them may be hypersensitive to it.
So your choices boil down, it seems to me, to having a showdown with your wife, or learning to live with the chaos in your household. Doing nothing will change nothing. You may have to risk her extreme displeasure. She may get over it, she may not. Maybe you WILL wind up in divorce court. But is that REALLY worse than what you are enduring right now? You sound like you are at the end of your rope. You never know--if your wife sees you are ready to head out the door she may come around. Or not, but you won't know unless you start putting those boundaries in place. You can't possibly plan for every contingency, but if you are as desperate as you sound, you will have to take some risks.
And as far as your experience with Al-Anon goes, who cares whether other members approve of your smoking pot? Why even go there? There is no requirement that you reveal every aspect of your personal life in meetings. You are there to learn how to cope with the effects of dealing with the addict in your life. Stick with what is relevant. Try another group, and try being more discreet about that aspect of your personal life. As Hammer said, it isn't usual for people to be judgmental in Al-Anon, but you also must remember that everyone in there has suffered as a result of dealing with other people's addictions, so some of them may be hypersensitive to it.
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