Recovering2

I have to agree with Lexie. The lonliest time in my life was when my BF was actively drinking. I felt lonely, isolated, miserable. I can not imagine starting a marriage like that. At the end of the day, who cares about dresses, cake, invitations??? What matters is your life, and starting out together with your best foot forward. If that means you postpone things until you get through this period of time, then people will understand.

Your GF is not supporting your sobriety, and sounds like she's on edge. That is a recipe for disaster in a new marriage. Talk with your Sponsor, make the right decision for YOU. Take care of your sobriety first and foremost.

LaughAway

BeingMyself, a few thoughts to consider:
Since you are not actively drinking at this time you are now seeing life, not just your relationship in a whole new light. I would assume that when you did drink that you drank when you were happy, sad, bored, excited, etc….You have never truly had the opportunity to live life as an adult with clarity. Your buffer for all things has been removed.
Your ability to think and feel real raw emotions has come to surface. And with those emotions you now feel fear, pain, suffering, loneliness, and much much more.
How you choose to handle these emotions is up to you and you alone. I would imagine you have never really learned to deal with such emotions which is why this situation seems to so grueling. But the key is learning to cope. The ability to change is not magic.
I ask you to please refocus. Restructure your wondering thoughts and remember this is about you. Do not allow yourself to fixate on your fiancés lifestyle, for that is her doing. Let all things go and start anew.

LaughAway

[QUOTE=Recovering2;3968816]Your GF is not supporting your sobriety, and sounds like she's on edge. That is a recipe for disaster in a new marriage./QUOTE]

What would be the best way for the fiancé/GF to be supportive? What is she suppose to do? She couldn’t fix him when he was an active AH and she can’t fix him now that he is broken. I feel as though the main focus is being lost in translation here. You cannot hold someone else accountable for your actions.

LexieCat

Not being drunk around him, at minimum. That should be doable.

Yes, BeingMyself is responsible for his own sobriety, but partners can avoid being drunk around the recovering alcoholic and avoid having drinking "in his face." That's pretty much common decency.

LaughAway

So take the alcohol from the equation and all is fixed? I know that is not what you meant for there would still be much work to be done. But it just seems like that is the main focus...he acts this way bc she does this.

I have lived with an AH for years and I use to blame him for such much of my unhappiness. But it wasn't his fault I felt that way. I allowed myself to live in that type of enviroment. I surrounded myself with negativity and I would sink to that low level and argue over nothing. I tried to force his him to stop drinking....but in the end I threw my hands up and said "I'm done". This is not my problem and not my fault. And I feel much better for it.

LexieCat

No, of course "all is not fixed". You asked for an explanation of how she was not being supportive of his recovery. That's what we were referring to. It is one of several problems that may be going on here. I don't think anyone is suggesting that if she would stop being drunk around him everything would be OK. It sounds as if she has a serious problem with her own drinking, but that is for her to address.

For an alcoholic in early recovery, marriage to a nonalcoholic would be a huge challenge. Marriage to an alcoholic who is fine with getting drunk around him complicates the whole scenario immeasurably.

BeingMyself

Well it's been a while since I have updated my status. My fiancé and I are on speaking terms again. We both felt that I needed some time to focus on myself and not what she is doing. I have learned that I cannot control her in life. I can put forth suggestions, but trying to tell her what to do, especially when she is already upset with me, can cause major issues. I will continue focusing on myself and recovery while hoping that she will continue to support me anyway that she can. We are suppose to go to an AA picnic on Sat to eat and listen to a speaker tell his story. I have not told her yet, but just that truly means so much to me. AA seems as if it will be a large part of my life for the near future, and having my partner there for support is absolutely amazing for me. I hope she will continue to participate in these functions and new lifestyle that I have chosen.
I also had my job interview at Mead Johnson the other day for a Senior Packaging Associate. I hope I hear good news. Wish me luck S.R Friends