Can an Alcoholic deal with being around Alcohol
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I don't want to offend you, but I think the alcohol in this equation is distorting the fact that your behavior has been, frankly, way out of line. I am saying this only because I think it's important. I got shivers reading this.
From what you say it's hard for me to figure out if your fiancée is a heavy drinker, a problem drinker, an alcoholic, or just a regular drinker. But that kind of doesn't matter. What I hear from your post is:
1. You were an active alcoholic until 2 months ago.
2. Then you quit, and decided that as part of that you were no longer OK with your fiancée's drinking habits, which presumably haven't changed from before.
Up to here, everything's fine. It's great that you quit and not surprising that it casts a new light on lots of things around you, including your relationship. It could very well be that you can't be with this woman now that you're sober or that the relationship will need lots of work. But this is when the story started really veering off the rails.
3. You decide on behalf of your fiancée that she is a problem drinker.
4. You create a rule, possibly without her knowledge and clearly without her buy in, in which you give her a 12pm curfew (preferably a bedtime) based around your work schedule.
5. When she breaks this "rule" you start a fight in front of her friends, in their home, and force her to leave with you. You are out of line enough that they openly tell you so.
6. A couple days later in another social setting she joins your guests in having drinks. It sounds like she waits a good long while after everyone else starts, most likely so that she won't get too drunk. You passive aggressively ask her to leave the group in order to clean the kitchen with you. She won't, and so you punish her by calling her mother and reporting that she has a drinking problem.
7. There's this: "I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? " ... you admit to verbally attacking her over this new set of rules that you brought into your relationship out of nowhere two months ago. And also that it's basically out of envy, even though you try to play it off as concern.
And finally, when asks you to leave, you say "I agreed to this" as if it might have been possible for you to refuse to leave when she asked you?
Again, I'm not trying to offend you. I just feel like this is getting missed somehow and it frightens me that you don't seem to register how controlling and possessive you are acting. You're treating her like your daughter, not your partner. You're using manipulation, humiliation, insults, and verbal force to control her behavior to fit your needs. I think you need to incorporate some therapy into your recovery, and I'm not saying that to be glib. This is textbook behavior and it's probably just being triggered by your early recovery.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is confrontational, it actually makes me quite nervous to post this, but I really did have to say that I hope you get help. You don't want to act this way.
From what you say it's hard for me to figure out if your fiancée is a heavy drinker, a problem drinker, an alcoholic, or just a regular drinker. But that kind of doesn't matter. What I hear from your post is:
1. You were an active alcoholic until 2 months ago.
2. Then you quit, and decided that as part of that you were no longer OK with your fiancée's drinking habits, which presumably haven't changed from before.
Up to here, everything's fine. It's great that you quit and not surprising that it casts a new light on lots of things around you, including your relationship. It could very well be that you can't be with this woman now that you're sober or that the relationship will need lots of work. But this is when the story started really veering off the rails.
3. You decide on behalf of your fiancée that she is a problem drinker.
4. You create a rule, possibly without her knowledge and clearly without her buy in, in which you give her a 12pm curfew (preferably a bedtime) based around your work schedule.
5. When she breaks this "rule" you start a fight in front of her friends, in their home, and force her to leave with you. You are out of line enough that they openly tell you so.
6. A couple days later in another social setting she joins your guests in having drinks. It sounds like she waits a good long while after everyone else starts, most likely so that she won't get too drunk. You passive aggressively ask her to leave the group in order to clean the kitchen with you. She won't, and so you punish her by calling her mother and reporting that she has a drinking problem.
7. There's this: "I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? " ... you admit to verbally attacking her over this new set of rules that you brought into your relationship out of nowhere two months ago. And also that it's basically out of envy, even though you try to play it off as concern.
And finally, when asks you to leave, you say "I agreed to this" as if it might have been possible for you to refuse to leave when she asked you?
Again, I'm not trying to offend you. I just feel like this is getting missed somehow and it frightens me that you don't seem to register how controlling and possessive you are acting. You're treating her like your daughter, not your partner. You're using manipulation, humiliation, insults, and verbal force to control her behavior to fit your needs. I think you need to incorporate some therapy into your recovery, and I'm not saying that to be glib. This is textbook behavior and it's probably just being triggered by your early recovery.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is confrontational, it actually makes me quite nervous to post this, but I really did have to say that I hope you get help. You don't want to act this way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What fantail points out is really important, and I'm embarrassed that I didn't mention it in my post. I guess I was looking at it from the perspective of what's good for your sobriety, and I overlooked the controlling behavior on your part.
Whether your g/f's drinking is a threat to your sobriety is one issue, but the separate issue is that you really have NO right to treat her, as fantail said, like a child. So that may be something you want to address in your therapy session. I think the separation for now is a very good idea. You have a lot of personal growth ahead of you, including working on keeping your own side of the street clean and allowing your partner the dignity of managing her own life. Another reason why waiting to marry may be in the interest of both of you.
Whether your g/f's drinking is a threat to your sobriety is one issue, but the separate issue is that you really have NO right to treat her, as fantail said, like a child. So that may be something you want to address in your therapy session. I think the separation for now is a very good idea. You have a lot of personal growth ahead of you, including working on keeping your own side of the street clean and allowing your partner the dignity of managing her own life. Another reason why waiting to marry may be in the interest of both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Thank you both for the last two posts. I agree with both of you as much as my alcoholic mind tells me not to. I spoke to my sponser yesterday and he told me that I was using my old style of thinking by wanting to control people and get my own way. He explained to me that I cannot do that, and that I have to work on myself only. Thats what I plan to do;However, this dosent meen that I cannot say whats bothering me in a respectful mature way. I hope that we can communicate better about whats bothering us while respecting each other as individuals and addressing whats best for us as a couple. Please dont be hesitant to post what you think...thats what I like about my sponser, he puts me right in my place when I need to be. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by fantail 
I don't want to offend you, but I think the alcohol in this equation is distorting the fact that your behavior has been, frankly, way out of line. I am saying this only because I think it's important. I got shivers reading this.
From what you say it's hard for me to figure out if your fiancée is a heavy drinker, a problem drinker, an alcoholic, or just a regular drinker. But that kind of doesn't matter. What I hear from your post is:
1. You were an active alcoholic until 2 months ago.
2. Then you quit, and decided that as part of that you were no longer OK with your fiancée's drinking habits, which presumably haven't changed from before.
Up to here, everything's fine. It's great that you quit and not surprising that it casts a new light on lots of things around you, including your relationship. It could very well be that you can't be with this woman now that you're sober or that the relationship will need lots of work. But this is when the story started really veering off the rails.
3. You decide on behalf of your fiancée that she is a problem drinker.
4. You create a rule, possibly without her knowledge and clearly without her buy in, in which you give her a 12pm curfew (preferably a bedtime) based around your work schedule.
5. When she breaks this "rule" you start a fight in front of her friends, in their home, and force her to leave with you. You are out of line enough that they openly tell you so.
6. A couple days later in another social setting she joins your guests in having drinks. It sounds like she waits a good long while after everyone else starts, most likely so that she won't get too drunk. You passive aggressively ask her to leave the group in order to clean the kitchen with you. She won't, and so you punish her by calling her mother and reporting that she has a drinking problem.
7. There's this: "I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? " ... you admit to verbally attacking her over this new set of rules that you brought into your relationship out of nowhere two months ago. And also that it's basically out of envy, even though you try to play it off as concern.
And finally, when asks you to leave, you say "I agreed to this" as if it might have been possible for you to refuse to leave when she asked you?
Again, I'm not trying to offend you. I just feel like this is getting missed somehow and it frightens me that you don't seem to register how controlling and possessive you are acting. You're treating her like your daughter, not your partner. You're using manipulation, humiliation, insults, and verbal force to control her behavior to fit your needs. I think you need to incorporate some therapy into your recovery, and I'm not saying that to be glib. This is textbook behavior and it's probably just being triggered by your early recovery.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is confrontational, it actually makes me quite nervous to post this, but I really did have to say that I hope you get help. You don't want to act this way.
From what you say it's hard for me to figure out if your fiancée is a heavy drinker, a problem drinker, an alcoholic, or just a regular drinker. But that kind of doesn't matter. What I hear from your post is:
1. You were an active alcoholic until 2 months ago.
2. Then you quit, and decided that as part of that you were no longer OK with your fiancée's drinking habits, which presumably haven't changed from before.
Up to here, everything's fine. It's great that you quit and not surprising that it casts a new light on lots of things around you, including your relationship. It could very well be that you can't be with this woman now that you're sober or that the relationship will need lots of work. But this is when the story started really veering off the rails.
3. You decide on behalf of your fiancée that she is a problem drinker.
4. You create a rule, possibly without her knowledge and clearly without her buy in, in which you give her a 12pm curfew (preferably a bedtime) based around your work schedule.
5. When she breaks this "rule" you start a fight in front of her friends, in their home, and force her to leave with you. You are out of line enough that they openly tell you so.
6. A couple days later in another social setting she joins your guests in having drinks. It sounds like she waits a good long while after everyone else starts, most likely so that she won't get too drunk. You passive aggressively ask her to leave the group in order to clean the kitchen with you. She won't, and so you punish her by calling her mother and reporting that she has a drinking problem.
7. There's this: "I say very hateful things to her and regret them shortly after. Will I be able to be around her while she drinks eventually and not have so much envy and jealousy? " ... you admit to verbally attacking her over this new set of rules that you brought into your relationship out of nowhere two months ago. And also that it's basically out of envy, even though you try to play it off as concern.
And finally, when asks you to leave, you say "I agreed to this" as if it might have been possible for you to refuse to leave when she asked you?
Again, I'm not trying to offend you. I just feel like this is getting missed somehow and it frightens me that you don't seem to register how controlling and possessive you are acting. You're treating her like your daughter, not your partner. You're using manipulation, humiliation, insults, and verbal force to control her behavior to fit your needs. I think you need to incorporate some therapy into your recovery, and I'm not saying that to be glib. This is textbook behavior and it's probably just being triggered by your early recovery.
Anyway, I'm sorry if this is confrontational, it actually makes me quite nervous to post this, but I really did have to say that I hope you get help. You don't want to act this way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
tossing one in from left field here...but with you at barely 2 months sober and all this friction and just being asked to stay elsewhere, this does not seem to be a good time to even be thinking of getting married IN A MONTH'S time. unless the plan is to TRY and make things worse?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Should I accept the fact that she has the right to go next door sit down in a chair outside and drink and talk for a few hours until she comes to bed? I do not know.
I think you will find you have control only over yourself.
Beth
PS
I am curious, did you actually pick her up physically? Like a child having a tantrum, to remove her from the area? If so, I suggest something else is wrong besides the alcoholism. I am asking because I have been there. Thinking I had control, where I had none.
The hardest lesson ever for me in this entire process is I have no control over my grown children. NONE!
Process being AA, ACoA, and Al Anon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I think now would be a really good time to do some serious work on yourself and how to treat others. In your post you come off arrogant and that at only 2 months sober you now have life entirely figured out and that your fiancé needs to follow your rules. I mean..lets just point out you basically gave a grown woman a curfew. If my significant told me I had to be home in bed by the time they got home or be home by 12 I would laugh.
I also want to point out that it is highly inappropriate that because she didn't abide by your curfew you called her mother. I am actually quite shocked that someone who just got sober would cross that line. Even if she has a drinking problem, it is not your place to call anyone in her family and tell anyone about it. That phone call was malicious and controlling. It was almost like "If you want listen to my rules then I will tell your mom". At only two months sober you should be concentrating on yourself. It is her choice whether she wants to stop drinking or not, it is her choice whether to tell her family members about her drinking habits, and it is her choice of she when she wants to go to bed.
If you are uncomfortable being around someone who is drinking because of your new sobriety then you have two options: one move out or two talk to your fiancé and ASK her if she would not drink around you. The key word in option two is ASK and she has every right to keep drinking or even if she says she won't drink around you to change her mind.
I am not trying to offend you but I think you need a serious reality check. Your fiancé is a grown woman and is allowed to go out and do what she wants to do. Isolating her and demanding she be home by a certain time and when she doesn't come home at that time calling her mother is not the behavior of someone who is working on their recovery. Instead of worrying about her I would work on myself and work on being humble. Two months sober does not make you always right or the main decision maker.
I also want to point out that it is highly inappropriate that because she didn't abide by your curfew you called her mother. I am actually quite shocked that someone who just got sober would cross that line. Even if she has a drinking problem, it is not your place to call anyone in her family and tell anyone about it. That phone call was malicious and controlling. It was almost like "If you want listen to my rules then I will tell your mom". At only two months sober you should be concentrating on yourself. It is her choice whether she wants to stop drinking or not, it is her choice whether to tell her family members about her drinking habits, and it is her choice of she when she wants to go to bed.
If you are uncomfortable being around someone who is drinking because of your new sobriety then you have two options: one move out or two talk to your fiancé and ASK her if she would not drink around you. The key word in option two is ASK and she has every right to keep drinking or even if she says she won't drink around you to change her mind.
I am not trying to offend you but I think you need a serious reality check. Your fiancé is a grown woman and is allowed to go out and do what she wants to do. Isolating her and demanding she be home by a certain time and when she doesn't come home at that time calling her mother is not the behavior of someone who is working on their recovery. Instead of worrying about her I would work on myself and work on being humble. Two months sober does not make you always right or the main decision maker.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
My RABF is 5 months sober. He made it clear when he came home from treatment that he didn't want me to drink in his company. He also asked if I had a drink out with friends, that I maybe stay at someone's house that night. I did not see this as controlling, I saw it as setting boundaries for himself early in recovery. When he was active, life was such hell that I was totally willing to abstain from alcohol to support his sobriety. I also learned from his rehab counselors that wine (we both were wine drinkers) gives off pheromes that the A brain can sense. So I have NO interest in drinking around him. There is NO alcohol in our home. And things are just fine without alcohol.
Now, that's my story. Your fiance is choosing to drink, even though she knows you are very early in recovery. Just my opinion, I don't see that as supportive. But you can't control what she does. The 3 C's apply to you in this situation: You don't Cause her to drink, you can't Cure her from drinking, and you can't Control her drinking. All you can do is decide what is best for your recovery and set appropriate boundaries. It may mean that she is not good for your recovery right now, and you need space.
I, personally, would NOT marry right now. As has been mentioned, they recommend no major changes the first year. You two have much to work out, and it may be that this relationship won't survive your sobriety. That's okay, your life and your sobriety are #1.
You are what they call a "double winner". You can attend AA, but are also able to attend AlAnon to deal with your fiance's drinking. So maybe consider a few AlAnon meetings to work through your feelings of having a drinker in your house.
Congrats on 2 months of sobriety, and prayers for your continued health.
Now, that's my story. Your fiance is choosing to drink, even though she knows you are very early in recovery. Just my opinion, I don't see that as supportive. But you can't control what she does. The 3 C's apply to you in this situation: You don't Cause her to drink, you can't Cure her from drinking, and you can't Control her drinking. All you can do is decide what is best for your recovery and set appropriate boundaries. It may mean that she is not good for your recovery right now, and you need space.
I, personally, would NOT marry right now. As has been mentioned, they recommend no major changes the first year. You two have much to work out, and it may be that this relationship won't survive your sobriety. That's okay, your life and your sobriety are #1.
You are what they call a "double winner". You can attend AA, but are also able to attend AlAnon to deal with your fiance's drinking. So maybe consider a few AlAnon meetings to work through your feelings of having a drinker in your house.
Congrats on 2 months of sobriety, and prayers for your continued health.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
What I wouldn't have dpne during my marriage to support AH in recovery! Wow, I didn't drink for about 10 years while AH WAS actively drinking - just hoping to set a good example! Hilarious now that I know something!
So fiancée is drinking? Sounds to me like: A). She is pretty keen on drinking and/or B). She is really p**sed with you and is drinking as a passive aggressive expression of her anger towards you.
I am really happy for your 2 months sobriety. And for puzzling this out. But I can imagine your GF has more than one good reason to be upset with your behavior right now. You have no right trying to control and manipulate her. None.
Sounds like you both need a time-out from your relationship with each other. You need to think more about your own sobriety. Right now, neither party is doing the other (or themselves) any favors.
Best of luck to you. Take courage, and be kind.
So fiancée is drinking? Sounds to me like: A). She is pretty keen on drinking and/or B). She is really p**sed with you and is drinking as a passive aggressive expression of her anger towards you.
I am really happy for your 2 months sobriety. And for puzzling this out. But I can imagine your GF has more than one good reason to be upset with your behavior right now. You have no right trying to control and manipulate her. None.
Sounds like you both need a time-out from your relationship with each other. You need to think more about your own sobriety. Right now, neither party is doing the other (or themselves) any favors.
Best of luck to you. Take courage, and be kind.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 17
My ABF used to be fine when we first started dating and I drank around him. But suddenly he began having 'episodes' where he snapped at me really unfairly and didn't stop until I was sobbing, usually related to drinking but not always. I stopped drinking, but he eventually started again. With hindsight I can see that this was the first sign that he was veering off the path of recovery, rather than the emotional residue of alcoholism that I passed it off as.
Hats off for recognising this as a problem and coming on here wanting to do something about it, that's a huge deal and shows your heart is in the right place at least, and now it's a case of (just?) following through with the great advice given here.
One thing I will add was that because my boyfriend was so aggressive in the way he communicated about my drinking, I felt it was an issue of control and got resentful of that a little. It was only when he sat me down and said 'I'm really struggling here' that I got a glimpse of the pain he was going through. Then I was more than happy to take his suggestions, although boundaries do need to be tried, tested and refined a little.
I have to echo the thoughts of the others that getting married in a month is too soon. Marriage is meant to be forever so it makes sense to wait until a very, very turbulent time is over before making that commitment.
Congrats on your two months. 90 day chip soon!
Hats off for recognising this as a problem and coming on here wanting to do something about it, that's a huge deal and shows your heart is in the right place at least, and now it's a case of (just?) following through with the great advice given here.
One thing I will add was that because my boyfriend was so aggressive in the way he communicated about my drinking, I felt it was an issue of control and got resentful of that a little. It was only when he sat me down and said 'I'm really struggling here' that I got a glimpse of the pain he was going through. Then I was more than happy to take his suggestions, although boundaries do need to be tried, tested and refined a little.
I have to echo the thoughts of the others that getting married in a month is too soon. Marriage is meant to be forever so it makes sense to wait until a very, very turbulent time is over before making that commitment.
Congrats on your two months. 90 day chip soon!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
i would postpone the wedding.
i would continue to concentrate on myself.
i would NOT call her parents, the two of you are adults, work out you own issues. From personal experience, the quickest way to invite a third party into your relationship, TELL them TOO MUCH.
i would continue to concentrate on myself.
i would NOT call her parents, the two of you are adults, work out you own issues. From personal experience, the quickest way to invite a third party into your relationship, TELL them TOO MUCH.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Well first of all I appreciate all of the comments and suggestions. I would agree with the majority of the thoughts on here. Postponing the wedding is probably a good suggestion, but we do not plan to do that. Just because we are having problems does not mean that we don't love each other. Not that this is an excuse, but we have been planning it for close to a year now and everything is pretty much in order invitations sent, date reserved, dresses picked out, dj..blah blah all of that good stuff that goes with getting married
When you truly know deep down that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, I am not afraid or scared that it would be a bad decision.
We had our therapy appointment earlier. It was nice to speak to someone else about our issues. I think the light has finally came on for me realizing that I cannot control her and what she does; however, she can still put forth effort to help make this relationship easier and healthier. I know that it is hard for her to put forth any effort now because she is still upset. I just have to wait it out and focus on myself
When you truly know deep down that you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, I am not afraid or scared that it would be a bad decision.We had our therapy appointment earlier. It was nice to speak to someone else about our issues. I think the light has finally came on for me realizing that I cannot control her and what she does; however, she can still put forth effort to help make this relationship easier and healthier. I know that it is hard for her to put forth any effort now because she is still upset. I just have to wait it out and focus on myself
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And I would gently remind you that just because you love each other doesn't mean an imminent legal commitment is a good idea.
Everyone here SUPPORTS the happiness of you both. What you may not realize is that the mere fact of NOT having an out puts additional pressure on the relationship. Weddings are postponed for good reasons all the time. I sincerely wish I had waited before marrying my second husband. There were already lots of red flags that he was not serious about his sobriety, and when he returned to heavy drinking (despite almost dying of it a few months previously) and lost his job and would not get another, I had to leave him after only seven months together.
It is, however, your decision and your life, and I wish you the best whatever you decide. Please protect your own hard-won sobriety at all costs.
Everyone here SUPPORTS the happiness of you both. What you may not realize is that the mere fact of NOT having an out puts additional pressure on the relationship. Weddings are postponed for good reasons all the time. I sincerely wish I had waited before marrying my second husband. There were already lots of red flags that he was not serious about his sobriety, and when he returned to heavy drinking (despite almost dying of it a few months previously) and lost his job and would not get another, I had to leave him after only seven months together.
It is, however, your decision and your life, and I wish you the best whatever you decide. Please protect your own hard-won sobriety at all costs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
It is great that you are 2 months sober and that you seem unfaltering in your dedication to your fiancé but I just want to point out that you are still thinking that part of the problem is that she isn't "putting forth effort" and I just want to remind you that it is her choice to put forth effort and if she decides to continue not putting forth effort will you still be able to be happy in the marriage?
I only say this because when something is causing problems in a relationship we all naturally assume that both parties will try to resolve the problem or make sacrifices to make the relationship work as a whole. Something all of us have learned on this site is that sometimes the other partner never puts forth that effort, never sees what would better the whole, etc. and we need to decide whether if this is as good as it gets whether we could live like this the rest of our lives?
Keep working on your sobriety, it is the most important thing right now. I am a recovering heroin addict so I understand how our mindsets change when we gets sober and suddenly we see how easy things can be without substances. Unfortunately, just because we have a light bulb moment doesn't mean that anyone else will and we have to become okay with that.
I only say this because when something is causing problems in a relationship we all naturally assume that both parties will try to resolve the problem or make sacrifices to make the relationship work as a whole. Something all of us have learned on this site is that sometimes the other partner never puts forth that effort, never sees what would better the whole, etc. and we need to decide whether if this is as good as it gets whether we could live like this the rest of our lives?
Keep working on your sobriety, it is the most important thing right now. I am a recovering heroin addict so I understand how our mindsets change when we gets sober and suddenly we see how easy things can be without substances. Unfortunately, just because we have a light bulb moment doesn't mean that anyone else will and we have to become okay with that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I don't really have any experiece with this--my ex never got sober--but I'll throw in my two cents anyway...
From my perspective, your sobriety doesn't sound very important to your fiancée. It sounds like she either: a.) has a problem herself with alcohol, b.) doesn't take your relationship and impending marriage very seriously, or c.) is very naive about the realities of living with an alcoholic.
It isn't her responsibility to help you stay sober, but if she loved you and really wanted a future with you, I would think that not drinking herself would be a small sacrifice to make in order to support you, and make her life more peaceful and healthy in the process.
All of that said, I agree with everyone that you can't control her or change her drinking habits, and I think you need to stop trying to do this because it really undermines your recovery.
I also totally agree that the marriage is going to cause a lot more problems than it will solve. Right now, the only person I think you should be planning on spending the rest of your life with is the sober you. I'm sorry to be blunt but I think marrying her right now with things the way you have described them to be, is really crazy. I worry it might put your sobriety at risk. How can you work on the issues that led to your drinking when you are always upset over her drinking? I realize in theory this might be possible--if you totally detach from her, her drinking won't bother you or undermine your sobriety. But you aren't there yet, and going through a marriage ceremony isn't going to magically get you there.
I'm sorry to be harsh but I just want to see you keep building on what you have already accomplished. You should be proud of your two months of sobriety!
From my perspective, your sobriety doesn't sound very important to your fiancée. It sounds like she either: a.) has a problem herself with alcohol, b.) doesn't take your relationship and impending marriage very seriously, or c.) is very naive about the realities of living with an alcoholic.
It isn't her responsibility to help you stay sober, but if she loved you and really wanted a future with you, I would think that not drinking herself would be a small sacrifice to make in order to support you, and make her life more peaceful and healthy in the process.
All of that said, I agree with everyone that you can't control her or change her drinking habits, and I think you need to stop trying to do this because it really undermines your recovery.
I also totally agree that the marriage is going to cause a lot more problems than it will solve. Right now, the only person I think you should be planning on spending the rest of your life with is the sober you. I'm sorry to be blunt but I think marrying her right now with things the way you have described them to be, is really crazy. I worry it might put your sobriety at risk. How can you work on the issues that led to your drinking when you are always upset over her drinking? I realize in theory this might be possible--if you totally detach from her, her drinking won't bother you or undermine your sobriety. But you aren't there yet, and going through a marriage ceremony isn't going to magically get you there.
I'm sorry to be harsh but I just want to see you keep building on what you have already accomplished. You should be proud of your two months of sobriety!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
I am so hurt right now. I have been crying for about 30 min. I cannot reach my sponser. I cant talk to Julie. I got off work early and went to the bedroom to get my shorts to were to bed on the couch and some stuff out of my drawer. She asked me if I could get it in the morning, but it was about 20 roles of change and im suppose to right my name and address on them so it would take a while. She immediately got defensive and told me she was trying to sleep. I just wanted my stuff that's it just my stuff and she said some mean things. I left and came back a few min later and told her that I am trying to respect her space but I would appreciate it if she would not be so hateful because it isn't healthy. She complety flipped out and jumped up telling me to get out and im not respecting her. I just want her to respect me too. Isnt that how relationships work? I am trying my appsolute hardest but am not seeing results. I do not know what to do. I hope that I have not lost her completely. My life feels as if it is completely falling to pieces and I am all alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
BeMyself.. I don't know what to say but I know your life isn't falling apart. Things will feel better in the morning, they always do. Try to go to sleep or watch a movie and put this stuff in that God box thing.
Hugs!!!
Hugs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
I think I have calmed down some. It just hurts so much to see someone you love treat you that way. I have said my fair share of mean things also, so I suppose she is still deeply upset. I am truly trying to leave her alone, but when she flipped out its like I couldn't help myself to say something. Today I have learned that Recovery is a VERY lonely time. My sponsor sent me this out of "A day at a time" "I think God for the greatest single joy that has come to me outside of my sobriety-the feeling that I am no longer alone. May I not assume that loneliness will vanish overnight. May I know that there will be a lonely time during recovery, especially since I must pull away from my former junkie friends or drinking buddies. I pray that I may find new friends that are recovering. I think God for the fellowship of the program. Today I will remember...I am not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Newburgh
Posts: 14
Some more thought....I was actually having a decent day. I replied back recently towards a job interview that I have at Mead Johnson for a Senior Packaging Associate next Tuesday. I also spoke with someone regarding a supervisor position at a new manufacturing plant that needs 3 supervisors preferably with food manufacturing experience who has worked at Ameriqual. That is actually were I work, so I feel that I may have a decent shot. The pay is excellent, and the experience would be endless. The position is for a supervisor, with position to grow into management. One good thing about being sober is my drive for success has skyrocketed. I know with my engineering degree, supervisor, and manufacturing experience, I will be very successful.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
****{BeingMyself}}} Keep working with your sponsor. You do, in fact, have a rosy future ahead of you.
But as far as feeling lonely, may I share that I never felt as lonely in my life as when I was married to an alcoholic. It felt FAR lonelier than I felt after I left him. Do you really want your early married life to be like this? Let me ask, what does your sponsor think about your marriage plans? Not that a sponsor controls our lives--what you do is still up to you. But a sponsor usually knows us, and our recovery, pretty well, and has the added advantage of being in a place to give you a more objective viewpoint.
But as far as feeling lonely, may I share that I never felt as lonely in my life as when I was married to an alcoholic. It felt FAR lonelier than I felt after I left him. Do you really want your early married life to be like this? Let me ask, what does your sponsor think about your marriage plans? Not that a sponsor controls our lives--what you do is still up to you. But a sponsor usually knows us, and our recovery, pretty well, and has the added advantage of being in a place to give you a more objective viewpoint.
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