First Al-Anon meeting
 

I know there have been threads about this before, but I'm considering going to my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night, work permitting. I'm looking for advice on what to expect. Particularly, I have questions about the different designations of meetings. The meeting I was looking at isn't specifically designated for newcomers. It's labeled as appealing to adult children of alcoholics, but still open to everyone. Should I go anyway even though I'm the partner of an alcoholic? It's also a step meeting - does it matter that I haven't even started working the steps yet? There's one on Tuesdays that is just open discussion, but there's a cross country race I really love running on Tuesday nights, so I'd like to keep doing that. Any guidance would be appreciated.

Every group has a different flavor, I have found no 2 groups are alike. But I have taken great information and support from each meeting. It took me a few groups to find the one I am most comfortable with. So I would say go, and see what they have to offer you. My group goes through the steps, and even though I may not be where they are, the discussion is always great. You will find that everyone is at a different place in their journey, and the discussions will follow that.

See what this meeting is all about. If it's not for you, maybe give the Tues night meeting one try....you will either love it or not. Maybe there's an entirely different group out there for you. You have nothing to lose by exploring your options.

The most important thing, IMO, is stepping in the door and working towards your future. :)

I started going last week, so I don't have too much experience...but if your experience is anything like mine you will feel welcomed and a huge sense of relief.

Let them know you are a newcomer and they will give you a packet and read you a greeting to let you know what Al Anon is all about. All the meetings I've gone to started off with some basic group business, then the leader of the meeting will start off, read from one of the Al-Anon books, and then share their thoughts and experiences. Then people in the group can share, one at a time, their own thoughts and experiences. There is an emphasis on keeping the focus on the Al-Anon member him or herself instead of the actions of the Alcoholic, but that's obviously not always adhered to :) You don't need to share unless you are comfortable-it's totally voluntary. My first couple meetings I did nothing but cry, which I never do in front of anyone but as soon as I walked through the doors there was a sense of being in the right place, being with people who knew what I was going through and understood without me having to say a word.

I wouldn't advise going to a Step Meeting for your first time. ACOA focus should be fine-many ACOA's end up married to A's, and experiences of being both the child of and partner of an A are frequently discussed. It may take a few tries before you find a meeting that's a good fit for you anyways.

I have only been to a few meetings so far, but I would definitely say go. The people were so welcoming that I have felt comfortable in each meeting I have attended so far. Each meeting I've been to thus far (I'm still trying different meetings) they have asked for newcomers and offered a newcomer meeting. A few members will take anyone new aside and explain the principles of Al-Anon and invite you to share your story, share theirs, etc. I haven't starting working the steps either...I am still researching Alcoholism, codependency, etc. but wouldn't shy away from a step meeting because I find that hearing what others have gone through/done is so helpful. Good luck!

I don't think you need to find a Newcomer's meeting--almost any meeting is suitable for a newcomer, but I think you might get more out of a meeting that isn't geared to ACOA. Just slightly different issues at play--ACOAs are often dealing with trauma from their childhood in an alcoholic household, while a group that has more people currently dealing with alcoholic loved ones (which might include some ACOAs) might have more people you can immediately identify with.

But certainly it wouldn't do any harm to go. And you can probably pick up some pamphlets and books and get a start on some good reading in the meantime.

Thanks for the advice, all. I'll do a little exploring to find what local meetings fit my schedule and my needs best. I noticed there's a meeting on Sundays that appears to be a women's step meeting that caught my eye, but unfortunately I've already missed it for the week. Perhaps I'll try the Monday or Tuesday meeting just for this week and then switch around if I need to.

Thank you all. This information was most helpful. I think I may even check out the local library for reading materials.:tyou

theseithakas, good for you for making the decision to try Alanon! Definitely try any meeting that you possibly can. I have encountered a few meetings (not just Alanon but other 12-step meetings) that I did not care for and did not attend more than once or twice. I also found a number that were very useful. Since all it costs is an hour of your time, there's little to lose by going and seeing what each one is like.

Also bear in mind the ever-present Alanon saying: Take what you like and leave the rest. There are parts I may not agree with or care for, but it is unusual for me to leave a meeting w/o gaining some little pearl of wisdom!

Please do post and let us know how it went.

Although my situation is rough right now, it is a little less rough since I have attended 3 Al-Anon meetings. I had no idea what to expect, but don't regret it. I was amazed at the warmth and caring I experienced from total strangers. Take heart.

I went to my first meeting last Tuesday. I have to say that the people were just wonderful. I cried through much of the meeting, but no one called me out -they were just kind. Afterwards, they personally greeted me and offered assistance.
The one thing I wasn't prepared for was that they passed a donation basket, and I had no cash on me at all.

All groups are self-supporting--they get no funding from ANYWHERE except the folks at the meetings. The money is used to pay rent, pay for coffee, literature, and any other group expenses. Any leftover money usually gets contributed to the local Intergroup or World Services.

HOWEVER, most people only put a dollar or two in the basket, it is COMPLETELY voluntary, and if you don't have it, you never have to feel bad about not contributing. I've been caught without my wallet a few times. If I think of it, I'll sometimes put in a little extra next time, but nobody keeps track, and it's nobody's business what any individual puts in.

Glad you had a great meeting--keep comin' back!

Just as a reminder, new members to meetings are always welcome. There usually is plenty to listen to. There is reading material and newcomer pamphlets. The beautiful part is... you don't have to say anything... You are not pressured in anyway if it is a good meeting. You can stay as long as you feel comfortable. There is no problem with coming late or leaving early. The meetings are for you! In my area there are several meetings; You can always try others to find one that fits you. take care and peace be the journey.

Felt a huge sense of relief when I went to my first meeting over two years ago. I just sat there and listened. It made me feel better. Now, I go every week. good days and bad.:herewego

:agree

Oh, I had no question that the money would be put to good use. I just felt bad that I literally didn't have one red cent on me. I'll be better prepared tonight - for my SECOND meeting.
I'm not sure what I hope to gain by attendance, but I'm open to attending. Much like here - I don't know exactly what I want or need, and I'm not used to being a non-contributing member of anything! But I keep coming back!

I have been to 2 meetings in the past and I didnt feel comfortable. They must have been step meetings because they went around the room and had us reading from a book of some kind and commenting on what we read.
What I really wanted to get out of going was to hear what others were going through and to eventually share myself. I feel like Im carrying this huge weight on my shoulders and im desperate to unload it.

This has been my experience too. I've been to two different meetings several times and that's all they do. But..I can't say that the last couple of times I went i didn't get something out if it because I did and I wasn't expecting it. Maybe keep going and/or trying other meetings before you decide it's not for you. I've heard it said one should go 6x(?) before making a decision about it. I'm sure someone will be able to correct me if that number isn't right.

Katchie, I think what you're describing is true for many of us when we first start going to Alanon. I surely felt that way. Continuing to go, even if you don't "get it", is important. More will be made clear as you continue to attend.

I think that many of us first go to Alanon expecting to learn how to change or fix our A's, or wanting to share stories of what's going on w/our A's. We're disappointed when no one seems to even talk about their A or alcoholism in any way. Eventually, we learn that Alanon is for and about US, the partners/parents/friends/siblings of the A. We learn that we did not cause, can't cure and can't control the A's drinking. And we learn that the twisted thinking we've engaged in for years has affected every aspect of our lives.

We learn to work on ourselves, our own actions and perceptions. And slowly we start to get better.

If you're struggling to see what Alanon is about, Katchie and Butterflyfree, I'd suggest reading some of the Alanon literature. Two books I'd recommend for starters would be "How Alanon Works For Families and Friends of Alcoholics" and "Paths to Recovery." Both are available on Amazon in new and used (save $$) condition.

The Alanon site http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ has a lot of great info also. You can read the Twelve Steps there, or click on the "How Alanon Works for Me" heading to hear a short podcast or read a brief article. You can click the "Alanon Literature" section and find 3 articles each month from the "Forum", the monthly Alanon magazine.

Another suggestion would be to see if you can find a "beginner's meeting" in your area. That might help you get your questions answered and have some understanding of the structure and format of Alanon and how it helps people.

Also, I've found it very useful to go a little early and stay afterwards to help clean up at meetings, since this is when you get to meet and know people a little more. If a group is going for coffee afterwards, go along. If the group needs volunteers for something, offer to help. Most meetings have a phone list (first names and phone numbers) of members; make sure you have one and then DO use it. In my experience, people will be more than happy to talk w/you and help in any way they can.

One more thing for you both to think about: The Alanon program does encourage you to get a sponsor at some point. This is someone you choose to help you work thru the 12 steps and be a mentor to you in general. There is no limit on how soon or late you may decide to ask someone to sponsor you. If you feel it would be helpful at this point, don't hesitate to ask someone to be your sponsor. You can even set it up as a temporary sponsorship for 3 months, 6 months, or the like, if that feels more comfortable.

I hope some of the things I mentioned here turn out to be helpful to you in getting to understand what Alanon does and how it can help. There really is so much more to it than meets the eye at first. Keep on going, keep on trying different meetings, and things will start to fall into place.

Honeypig, you always explain things so well!

I would like to add that the reading & sharing that seems odd at first has become very enlightening for me. As when we come to SR, when we first start AlAnon we are often in crisis and we just want someone to tell us the answers! I've learned that the answers are there - just not in the form I was expecting. The people don't tell me how to fix the A, but how to change my thinking so I can break down my own ways of thinking and rebuild it in a healthier form.

For example, one of the experienced AlAnon members explained "Progress not perfection" as something he actively practices...he doesn't worry anymore about mowing his lawn in perfect lines or having his pantry perfectly set up...in allowing these differences to his own perceived need for perfection he has learned that he does not need to do things perfectly, but to do things well enough to function and/or move forward with his life. Something in his sharing helped me realize that I expect perfection of myself - no one else does, so I'm learning that expecting perfection from myself or anyone else is pretty ridiculous. Does life move on without perfection? Sure does, and I'm less stressed trying to make everything perfect.

Not sure if that helps you right now, but it's one of the many gems I've gotten from my group. It has nothing to do with RAH, but everything to do with me. I have little epiphanies by listening to these people on a regular basis...their shared experience is changing my life one snippet at a time.

I attend Celebrate Recovery which is much like Alanon. If you are ever needing a meeting but it does not fit in your schedule you may want to try to find a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I have been to both.

To me it is about finding a group you click with. It is so nice to be welcomed and to have people around you who are dealing with the same issues, they really do get it.

Good Luck, hope you go!