What to do with full bottles?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 3
What to do with full bottles?
Hi, I am a new member! I have discovered about 6 months ago that my hubby is an alcoholic - he probably has been for many years but was really good in hiding it or I was just too naive. But, how should I have known, he never has been a big socialiser, never a pub goer, he occassioally drank a glass of red wine with me , i.e. I have never seen him drinking a large quantity of alcohol in front of me although he has shown the signs of being drunk. Anyway, over the last couple of months he has made some kind of progress, i.e. he has admitted that he has an alcohol problem, he is going to AA. The last two weeks were really lovely with him and I believe he was dry. Unfortunately, he started again this weekend. I found few bottles while he was trying to hide them and confronted him with the bottles. I took them away - although I know it is pointless - and emptied them.
I read somewhere that you shouldn't do it but I am always so angry when I find them and think at least I make it harder for him .... What is your view/advice?
I read somewhere that you shouldn't do it but I am always so angry when I find them and think at least I make it harder for him .... What is your view/advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome to SR! Keep reading here - lots of good information to be found on our home page, in the stickeys.
So let me ask humbly, what if he wanted you to diet and found your hidden chocolate bars and threw them down the garbage disposal? How would that make you feel?
Sure - chocolate doesn't tend to bring out the inner a-hole in us, but the point is the same. He is a grown man. Let him sleep in this bed he is making. Preferably alone!
So let me ask humbly, what if he wanted you to diet and found your hidden chocolate bars and threw them down the garbage disposal? How would that make you feel?
Sure - chocolate doesn't tend to bring out the inner a-hole in us, but the point is the same. He is a grown man. Let him sleep in this bed he is making. Preferably alone!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Do you think he can't replace the bottles? Do you think you stopped him from drinking?
He will simply become sneakier and better at hiding--trust me. I got very creative with my hiding places.
He will simply become sneakier and better at hiding--trust me. I got very creative with my hiding places.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
That's the hard part of detaching from the alcoholic behavior. I spent a LOT of time looking for bottles, pouring them out, throwing them out, etc. Guess what? Somehow he kept drinking.
Learn the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He is responsible for his behavior, and there is really nothing you can do to change it. What you CAN do is decide what you want in your life. Learn to take care of yourself, don't let your emotions get caught up in his actions.
Learn the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He is responsible for his behavior, and there is really nothing you can do to change it. What you CAN do is decide what you want in your life. Learn to take care of yourself, don't let your emotions get caught up in his actions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Nothing you do will stop him from drinking. Literally, NOTHING. You can yell, you can cry, you can hide all the alcohol in the house, you can pour all the alcohol in the house out, you can take away all his money so he can't buy some, you can hide the keys, you can threaten to leave, you can tell him it is you or the alcohol, you can leave him, etc. and NONE of it will make a difference.
He will do what he wants to do and well, he is an adult and you need to respect that. Sure, you don't have to stay with him or live with him, but he it allowed to choose to drink himself to death.
He will do what he wants to do and well, he is an adult and you need to respect that. Sure, you don't have to stay with him or live with him, but he it allowed to choose to drink himself to death.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome Minchen.
When my AH started drinking again (hadn't known him when he drank before), I didn't know what to expect and he told me if I thought he went too far with it to throw the alcohol away. The night that I removed the liquor from the house was the night I admitted the drinking had gone too far...and I was being affected by it too...off to counseling for me...I quickly learned what the others have said - I could not control his drinking. I kept trying anyway, but nothing I did (pleading/begging/bartering/ultimatum/ignoring/etc.) stopped the drinking. He just got better at hiding it. It reached the point where he was picking up some beer on his way home, drinking it, then taking the empties away from the house & showering, brushing teeth, etc. all before I got home from work.
Now is the time to start focusing on yourself and start setting boundaries that you can/will stick to. My first was I would not interact with my AH when he was drinking...it only led to arguments & my feelings being hurt. The Three C's are key - but hard to learn. It takes a lot of work to understand & put into practice that their drinking is out of our control. Keep reading & posting here, there is a lot of support & great advice to help you through this.
When my AH started drinking again (hadn't known him when he drank before), I didn't know what to expect and he told me if I thought he went too far with it to throw the alcohol away. The night that I removed the liquor from the house was the night I admitted the drinking had gone too far...and I was being affected by it too...off to counseling for me...I quickly learned what the others have said - I could not control his drinking. I kept trying anyway, but nothing I did (pleading/begging/bartering/ultimatum/ignoring/etc.) stopped the drinking. He just got better at hiding it. It reached the point where he was picking up some beer on his way home, drinking it, then taking the empties away from the house & showering, brushing teeth, etc. all before I got home from work.
Now is the time to start focusing on yourself and start setting boundaries that you can/will stick to. My first was I would not interact with my AH when he was drinking...it only led to arguments & my feelings being hurt. The Three C's are key - but hard to learn. It takes a lot of work to understand & put into practice that their drinking is out of our control. Keep reading & posting here, there is a lot of support & great advice to help you through this.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
can I pack you a lunch
Originally Posted by Recovering2 
That's the hard part of detaching from the alcoholic behavior. I spent a LOT of time looking for bottles, pouring them out, throwing them out, etc. Guess what? Somehow he kept drinking.
Learn the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He is responsible for his behavior, and there is really nothing you can do to change it. What you CAN do is decide what you want in your life. Learn to take care of yourself, don't let your emotions get caught up in his actions.
Learn the 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. He is responsible for his behavior, and there is really nothing you can do to change it. What you CAN do is decide what you want in your life. Learn to take care of yourself, don't let your emotions get caught up in his actions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 3
Thanks for your feedbacks! Sorry it took me so long to reply but life has been full - work, family, hobbies etc. Just to say I know it is pointless to empty the bottles and most of the time I don't do it - if I find them by coincident I monitor how much he is drinking to judge where the day/evening is going to go and make my plans accordingly. However, when he had his last relapse, I was just so angry that I stormed off and empty the bottles in front of him. I did apologise to him later - as you quite rightly point out I ought to respect his wish to drink himself to death - but to my surprise he said that I don't need to apologise for anything, it is him who is doing the 'bulls**t' - the evening he emptied the last two bottels of beer and I assume his vodka and since he has been really good. I am not so naive to believe that he doesn't top up his level but he is behaving impeccable, very helpful and motivated, i.e. I can live happily with the current version of husband, just dreading when the 'ugly' one comes back. Overall, emptying the bottles of vodka is for me more an act to release my anger - not a means of control. I know I cannot control it, I know it is not my fault that he drinks and I know I cannot cure him - but sometimes I just have to release my anger ...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Would he come here?
Does he want to stop and just hasn't got it right yet!
My wife helped me by allowing me to fail but keeping the praise going for the time I had , much like house training a puppy!!
Her love really did help, although the timing had to be right, it could so easily have gone the other way.
Love John.
Does he want to stop and just hasn't got it right yet!
My wife helped me by allowing me to fail but keeping the praise going for the time I had , much like house training a puppy!!
Her love really did help, although the timing had to be right, it could so easily have gone the other way.
Love John.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
I would rethink emptying the bottles, especially if he is already drunk. I have heard stories where otherwise peaceful alcoholics suddenly became violent when their alcohol was being washed down the drain. Even if that doesn't happen, do you really want him to get in the car and go buy more? Because that is the most likely result.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hm, but you also said in the first post that you "think at least you make it harder for him."
That sounds like control to me.
Seems to me there are better ways to release your anger. Have you looked into Al-Anon?
That sounds like control to me.
Seems to me there are better ways to release your anger. Have you looked into Al-Anon?
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